Just like you said it would be...

Ear Candy: "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice

I was fine.

I was completely ok. I had forgotten. No, not forgotten, but pushed from my mind. Made my peace, moved on. I was happy, it was far from my mind, I had moved on. But now this...

Out of sight, out of mind. What do I do when I know that it is there again? There is no temptation when the temtaion is removed, but whatabout when it is returned? I don't want that, any of it. I am so glad to be rid of it.

So then why do I feel so sad when I see pictures? And why do I now feel sick to my stomach knowing that?

I need to not love you.

~E

If you don't ask the right questions, every answer feels wrong

Ear Candy: "Hell Yeah" by Ani DiFranco

GAH! I hate my dad right now. SO much! And I thought we were making progress and getting along and everything, and then he has to go be a total asshole and fuck everything up again. I am so tired of this.

And I have to stay in MARIN with my grandparents for a WEEK while he goes on some trip with his buddies and they have to drive me to Santa Rosa to go to school every day because he doesn't trust me home by myself anymore, due to the horrendous train wreck that was Sweenstock.

Happy fucking birthday to me. (He won't even let me have a birthday party, parties are so banned in my house.)

And I am sick. I so don't even need this!! And Bush canceled the O.C. damn him. (Yeah, I said negative things about the president in a public forumn, so if I mysteriously disappear, someone may need to come to Cuba and bail me out of Guantanamo Bay... Ah, the Patriot Act in action... )

Ack, I am pissed off and my dad is being annoying and pestering me. Thank you for O.C. night, even if Bush hates the O.C. and took it off, seeing you all was perfect.

I'll write later.

If you aren't pissing me off right now, I love you.

~E

If you want to find somebody else that's better, go ahead...

Ear Candy: "Go Ahead" by Rilo Kiley

I am not crazy. I am tired of being told that I am crazy. I have heard it so much I am actually starting to believe it. My dad and everyone else seems to think that I am suicidal and crazy, and dangerous or something stupid like that... I don't feel like I am allowed to function. My dad has had me medicated and in therapy since I was eleven, and now five years later I am still saying the same thing, "I don't need this". I am not depressed! I am not in any way interested in killing myself. I am fine just being as I am.

I will never measure up. I will never be as good at things as my dad wants me to be, and I am ok with that, but he can't accept it. I like to sing, but I will never be great at it. I like to dance, but I am not a dancer. I like to swim, but I am not fast nor will I ever be. I am tired of being told to try harder and of what I am capable of when how the hell does anyone but me know what those are?! I am fine with the person I am turning into. There are so many good qualities to me and why is that not enough? I am smart, but I am not motivated to do well in school because it is not the right environment for me. I hate the structure; I feel trapped. Trapped by his expectations and the disappointed looks and the fasley calm tone to his voice when he is telling me how I should be better.

I will never be him, and I am ok with that. Why isn't he? My dad is suddenly realizing that I am going to be gone soon, and he wants to get closer to me. Can't he see all he is doing is pushing me away? I want to have a good cry over this or something, but it is so freaking stupid!! I won't let myself! Jo and I just had a talk about someone else bitching about stuff like this, and yet here I am doing the same thing!! And what is worse, I hate hippocrites. But I do not hate myself! I am not a bad person and I am tired of hearing that I am not good enough; I am.

I am good at so many things, just not the things he wants me to be good at. I am a good writer, but not a fast runner. I am not ugly, but I will never be the pretty one. I am not the one in a crowd that stands out, and if we have only met once, you probably won't remember me, but that's ok. He still has Kerry, right?

If you love yourself, I love you too.

~E

Do you see what I see?

Ear Candy: "They" by Jem

So this is a short post to just say that I love Megan, my non-girlfriend. (i know she reads this, so...)
Megs, you are amazing. You are so sure of yourself, and so beautiful and smart, and creative, and delightfully dorky, and off beat, and soooo funny!! I love you! You always make me feel so much better, and give me little pick-me-ups. You know me so well, and I love it... I am not really sure how to put it all into words, and I am sure this sounds dumb and incoherent, but you are for sure wonderful and amazing and fabbity fab fab and I love you. Thank you for being you, always you and no one but you. Thank you for not having a fake soul. You rock me.

I love you (especially if your name starts with "M" and ends in "-atteberry"

~E

Tell Me What You Want to Know

Ear Candy: "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" by The Killers

+++++ I have a date for prom
++++ I am actually 100% sure that I do this time... hehehe
+ Star Search was awesome yesterday
+++++++ Good talks with Katie Cooney
- Not hanging out with Andrew last night
+ Meeting Lisa (she's so cute!)
--- Taylor is a poon
++++++++++++++ My prom dress (is the BEST!)
+++ Did I mention how fab it was?
+ Seeing Brie at the coffee shop yesterday
- No OC night with the gang
+++ Talking to Laursies
+ "Presents" from very cool people I just met (not as sketchy as it sounds)
-- Waking up to early
+++ Going to the city today!
-- Brie being gone at the Ershered-out Hanson wedding
-- Not having talked to Shane since I got home
++++++++ Hugs

If you're happy and you know it, I love you.

(I love you even if you aren't sure)

~E

You're So Fucking Special

Ear Candy: "Creep" by Radiohead (again. I am addicted)

+ Five days away from school
-- Missing Taylor's show (and Taylor)
+ Everyone liking my skirt
- Noticing a sequin fall of
+++ My prom dress that Caitie and I are making
++Canada
--------------------------------- My iPod being stolen
++ Rob being awesome and sweet and making me feel better
------ My dad being a bitch
+- Andrew being the new me
------- My project for Fishman not being done
++ Leaving in 10 and a half hours
--- Not seing all of you before I leave
-- No prom date

I hate today. It can blow me. And it was looking so good.

If you care, I love you.

~E

I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Ear Candy: "Creep" by Radiohead

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!

Gah, I hate this so so sooooo much!!! FUCK THIS!!! AHHH!! Am crying to hard, can't focus on anything. need to pack for Canadia trip. I love you all, I hope your evening is better than mine.

~E