There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week

Ear Candy: "Portions of Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

I am so smurfing pissed off. And the worst part is, there isn't really any particular reason that I can pinpoint, or anyone I can blame. But what it all basically comes down to is that I am a pushover. I always am the one that backs down, and lets other people get what I want to avvoid a fight. I am always the one who tells myself that I don't deserve to be happy, to get what I want, which is incredibly hypocritical of me to do that, because I am always telling other people that they deserve to be happy. But then why am always the one who ends up sad? The roles in plays (or musicals) and boys, and even when we go shopping and both try on a dress that looks good on both of us, I let her have it. WHY?!

Currently, my biggest issue is with my friend, let's call her Margot*. She is incredibly self righteous. Everything in life that she wants, she assumes that she deserves. And not only that she deserves it, but that she is the only person who is worthy of having it. Everything is always about her, whether or not it actually is. I can't actually remember the last time my opinion counted for smurf, or that I even finished a smurfing sentence without her either cutting me off or start fidgeting with the anticipation of having her turn to hear herself talk while saying pretty much nothing. She assumes that she is always the leader of everything, that she is always the best, and she makes herself a part of things that she has no business being a part of. And, on the very slim off chance that she is rooting for someone in lip service, she will then procede to turn around and stab them in the back, if not directly. And the worst part of all, she will tell you the entire time how she is so unworthy, how you are so much better, even though she struts around like she is god's gift to mankind. SMURF THAT.

I have had a thing for Peter* on and off for the better part of five years. And I have watched him hook up with [repetedly], date, and hurt many friends of mine, all of whom [repetedly] assured me that my time would come, that I was so pretty and so smart, and so wonderful and how could he not see that? Apparently, very easily. And dear, DEAR Margot herself was the front runner on the most recent "Oh my God, you guys are totally perfect for each other, it would totally happen" campaign, has once again, pulled some classic Margot action, and made it all about her. Telling Peter to his face how much she likes him, how much she wanted to be with him, and apparently, he would want to be with her too, were he to be in any sort of relationshippy place. WAIT. HOLD THE SMURFING PHONES. WHAT?!?! Was she not just telling me that she was totally rooting for me? Bull smurfing smurf if you ask me.

Where is my vindication? Is there no smurfing justice in this world? I think I cannow definitively say that I know what it feels like to be kharmically smurf slapped by a six-armed goddess. I am seriously just getting incredibly tired of everyone letting her have her way. Her dreams; her boys; her roles; her songs; her choice of what we listen to in the car, even if I want to hear something else, or hatethe song she has picked. Does anyone care about my vote? SMURF NO!

And the worst part? I get labled the insensitive bitchy"bad friend" for thinking any of this. It is getting really hard to love people when you are freezing your ass off in their shadow and they just borrowed your sweatshirt.

If you have lent me a sweatshirt in the last 18 months, I love you.

~E (who shall, heretoafter be referred to as Anne Frank. No Jew comments, please. Mother smurfers...)

Could we please be objective?

Ear Candy: "Seeing Other People" by Belle and Sebastian

Did you miss me? I haven't written anything in so long, I doubt anyone still even reads this. So many times I have had so much to say, and I had every intention of sitting down and pouring my heart and mind into my key board, but each time would sit down with a purpose and get up not quite remembering what that purpose was.

I hate those posts that just summariaze life, because if you really were so curious about my life, I suppose you could just pick up the phone and call me. I am finding friends in the strangest of places, hands reaching out to me from places I would not have forseen. And then there are the old friends who I feel like I have lost (or maybe never had?) And my heart strings are being fired up in the starangest, and oldest of places. Isn't it funny how you can bury something into your heart and forget about it, seemingly having destroyed it, and then months later it can rear its ugly head? I don't think I will ever understand my own emotions. And I don't think I would ever want to.

People are so surprising. I find out new things about the people I thought I knew at every turn in the road. Dimensions make me love people more. And isn't it strange and funny how people take things and call them their own, and only you know the truth? When suddenly you become a fallower of your own ideas? That doesn't sound so bad, but I hate being told what I thought...

I am suddenly overcome with a paniced feeling, like I have no future, like there is nothing for me after high school, and maybe I am not so smart after all? What happens when I am sitting there with a pile of seven letters and none of them want me? What then? What happens when there is no one who wants me?

If you love me, I love you.

~E