I used to live alone before I knew you.

Ear Candy: "Hallelujah" by Imogen Heap

A fair warning: This is perhaps even more crazy, off-beat, nonsensical, and cryptic than everything else I write, so make sure you have your thinking pants (as opposed to the coveted drinking pants...) on.

And away we go.

My life is a paradox. I find myself in a very peculiar spot right now, where in a time that I am finally finding myself in a place that I can call home, surrounded by people who love me, I have never felt more alone. I can't help but fear that the people around me will see that I am pretending, that I am not cool or funny, or pretty, or fun, and that they will see me and grow tired of me and leave. People are always leaving me, especially when perhaps I need them the most? I like to think of myself as a strong person (which after that last sentence sounds ludacris, I am sure...) but I think that I (and perhaps everyone else?) assume that being a strong person means never having a moment of weakness. I have always been the strong one, who doesn't cry, who everyone else can lean on, and who carries others when they can't walk. So when I need to fall, why do I beat myself up? For being human? For having a momentary moment of weakness? I feel like an idiot when I get upset.

I am a complex set of crazy contradictions; I am so confident, and I love myself, but I am always scared the no one else will, and I will be left alone. I am terrified of being alone, but that is when all my best thoughts come out. (Is that then a fear of myself, and knowing what I really think?) I hate people who fish for compliments, but I love getting them. I like to think that I am pretty, but in reality, I think I am weird looking, and that you could do much better. I think I'm amazing, but I always doubt that anyone else will. This blog stands as a reminder that I am that ridiculous teenage girl who is wracked with doubt and insecurity, the same girl that when I see her, I wonder why she can't see herself as wonderful as we do? I pride myself on knowing who I am, but I am constantly changing, so how can I know myself? And if I can't even figure me out some days, how can I ever expect anyone else to venture into the jungle I call my thoughts and expect them to make it out alive? I hate people with big egos, but I hold my self in high esteems most of the time.

This blog is a contradiction! It is purely emo, but I am a [mostly] happy person! Althpugh I suppose I can attribute that to the fact that I only write when I have something to say, and nothing breeds words quite like discontent and pain. I have never been speechless from misery, although have often found myself speechless with joy. I always mean to sit down to write what I think, but sadly, the thoughts tend to run away from me before the computer can trap me, and I am never as eloquent as I like to think I am.

If you have such a big heart and a sweet smile, andso much charm and strength, what makes me worth your time? Who is the adventure? And why do I always asume that the adventure can only be one half? That one is the adventure and the other is the British man in a safari hat (preferrably with a monacle on his eye) trying to make sense of the whole thing? Maybe we are all our own jungle.

I love to think of myself as an adventure. I hate to disappoint. I love to love, and snuggle, and giggle, and be crazy, and be near people I love, and to have them know I love them. I love kisses (even the ones that get me written up, hahaha...) I love my family, even if they are crazy. I love myself, even if I am crazy. I love my friends, especially because they are crazy. I love the people that take the time to read the nonsensical ramblings that I put into writing. And I always appriciate the people who take the time to try to make me make sense, I know that it is not an easy task...

If you love adventures, I love you.

~E

the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet

Ear Candy: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap

Wow. This is really it. I was looking at a picture of me and Claire at graduation, which was sitting next to the evidence of a photobooth escapade of ours circa 8th grade, and one thing stuck out at me was how old we looked! Before the ceremony, I was twirling around Rosie's living room in my new dress and dancing around in a caffinated craze while James mocked me and played gameboy. We were babies, back at six with nothing to do by play and be happy. And then we put our robes on, and we were suddenly back into our real bodies, but we look damn good in red. And all I could think was how thrilled I was to have my best friends there with me.

Yesterday was the most surreal experience of my life. Processing out onto the field in all my red (after narrowly escaping a panic attack in the gym and adjusting the eye make up that was streaming down my face in nervous/excited tears) with everyone I had gone to school with was crazy. I could see all the people, but the only sound was the band. I couldn't hear the cheers. When I was in my seat before we had to sing, I was shaking, and I grabbed Lach's hand. He squeezed mine and held it, and that was all that grounded me. We sang, and I loved being up there with seven people who have been seven of my favorite people and closest friends from day one. When we got nervous, or scared, Lach and I would grab hands and reassure each other. I could feel the love and the friendship, and knew we were all connected. Watching my classmates cross that stage was crazy unreal. I could hear the crowd, some people getting lots of cheers, some none at all, and I wondered what reaction I would be met with. But when I got up there, as I was grinning like a damn fool and Auntie Shannon was in no way subtly taking pictures, the last sound I heard was my name. There was no sound, only me in the sunlight. It was like a movie, I swear. That was so amazing, but I can't believe it's real.

Aren't I too young to be doing this? To be graduating? Growing up and moving away? I won't think of that now. New school, new people, new friends, (new shoes!!!), old Erin? Everything is changing, the world is still spinning, and I am sitting still. Not still in the way that I am never moving forward, because I am too much to not. But sitting still in the way that I am content to just watch the worl for now. I am waiting for a "Dare to be Great" situation.

As we all go on, and become the great people that we already so much are, I can only hope that everything that has happened will not be lost entirely. But if that is the case, than all I can say is that it has been amazing. But I know that the people who mean the most to me, and the friends whom I hold closest will not be lost, because I simply love them too much to let them go. So I guess that we will stad together, arms linked, iPods on ready to kick some ass.

Congratulations to the Class of 2006. Way to kick some ass.

If you and I have our arms linked, I love you.

~E

And You Can Have This Heart To Break

Ear Candy: "So It Goes" by Billy Joel

"I have gilmpsed the future, and all I can say is... GO Back!"

My God, I wish I could. As I have reached the end of high school, I've been looking back at everything, and although there are things that I would do differently if I had a second chance, I don't regret anything. But all I want is more time. More time with the people I love, more time to get everything done. To go to the beach more, to hang out, to go to more parties... To tell him how I fell, how I've felt. But what good would any of it do? I can already feel us drifting apart, moving away from each other... And I can feel my heart aching.

I am scared. For the future, for jumping without you all as my parachute. All I have wanted my whole life is to grow up. And now that it is happening, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my head in your lap while you play with my hair. I want to watch the sun rise, and know that when we say oodbye, it isn't forever. That we won't come home strangers. I want to know that you know how much I love you, and I need to know that you love me too. I am so excited to have had my best friends with me for so long, but I am scared that in three months, I won't have them anymore.

I've been watching Cameron Crowe movies, and they make me nostalgic for something I've never experienced... Which adds to the nostalgia that I am feeling for everything. I want to hug you all with all my might and never let go. The kind of hug where i know our hearts/souls/whatever are hugging too. I miss feeling infinite. But we're all leaving, and growing up, and I can wish for no more than as we go, for you to know how much all of you have truly belssed my life. How wonderful knowing you has mademe, and how I would in no way be the person I am if I hadn't had all of you. And that I really do love you.

So to everyone who reads this, or knows me, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. And I mean that more than I have ever meant anything in my life.

I heard you singing this song, and I doubt you saw the true irony of the situation. The greatest irony is the line "you're the only one who knows", because I highly doubt you do.

If I've said it once... I love you.

~E

"And you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break..."
consider it broken.