fill my empty room with the sun

Ear Candy: "Empty Room" by Marjorie Fair

I haven't updated this in quite a while, so I doubt anyone still reads this, but that is ok. It makes me sad that I don't update very much anymore, because I used to all the time, and I think it was good for me. But nevertheless, here I am now. I worry that this entry will turn into my own little pity party, although that is not my original intent, but I can see that the topics I plan to go into could go that route.

I feel like I am not a part of my family anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. When I am home in SR, I usually stay at Rosie's house, not at my own. And although it would appear that that is because my boyfriend lives at Rosie's, and while that is a definite bonus, it isn't my big reason. When I am gone, my sister's friends sleep in my bed. They go through my things, they wear my clothes, and my family uses it as storage. When I am home, my sister likes to remind me that it is not my house; that I don't live there anymore, while my dad stands by and says nothing. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised that he says nothing, as that is his usual stance when Kerry is being horrid. She says things to me that are more hurtful than I could ever explain. If the things she says are how she really feels, then it breaks my heart that my sister, who means more to me than I think she, or anyone else, really knows, thinks that lowly of me. And my dad pretends he can't hear it, but suddenly develops the hearing of a bat when I respond, and the arguement is ruled my fault and is ended. So he sides with her in arguements. That is nothing, I am sure you are thinking... Erin is being a big, silly over-reactor if that is the big problem. And generally, I would agree with you. Only that is just the tip of a big, mean, Leonardo DiCaprio killing ice berg.

More recently, my father purchased a brand new, shiny Honda Civic, which will be shared by me and my sister, who will both be liscenced drivers this summer. At the end of the summer, I might be able to take it to school, if it survives Kerry and her permit. (She already backed into the wall at the top of our driveway and jacked up the paint on the back, as well as added a lovely dent. It is less than two months old.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am way stoked about a car. It just sucks that Kerry gets a new one when I go to school, and I get the one she trashes. He and Kerry have also started this new thing where every Sunday they do something together, which in my dad's mind I'm sure was things like bike rides and hikes. In reality, it is more like Kerry gets majorly spoiled. Here is a recap:

- Sunday, January 21st (I'm still home at this point): Kerry and my dad go on a raid of the Coach outlet in Petaluma. Kerry comes home with a new bag, a pair of shoes (that should only be worn by tennis playing, fake blonde, martini drinking middle aged house wives who married CPAs with bad haircuts), and a pair of sunglasses that do not compliment her face shape. My dad got a belt that Kerry made him buy. He couldn't even tell the difference between the men's and women's belts. Erin got a phone call telling me to do the dishes and walk the dog.

- Saturday, January 27th: Kerry and my dad go to a nice lunch at some classy place in SF, then go to see a Golden State Warriors game where they have third row seats. They do not invite me, even though I am close enough to the game that they could have gotten me without going too far out of their way.

- Sunday, January 28th: Kerry is taken by my father to get her cartiledge pierced. Now, that probably does not seem like that big of a deal, only a little less than a year ago, my dad told me I couldn't have a piercing there because of the high rate of infection. WTF? Now, I know what you are thinking, "but Erin, you have a nose ring, so isn't that equal???" No. Because Kerry thinks my nose ring is dumb, and does not want one, where as I do want an upper ear piercing. Boo.

Now, I can guess what you are thinking here. "But Erin, you really just sound like a spoiled rich girl whose daddy is not buying her enough." Perhaps, but not really. Because while my dad was out buying Kerry her own island in the Carribean or whatever, he was forgetting to pay my tuition, so they cut off my meal plan for three days. And he was planning trips to Hawaii and Germany, both of which I am not only not invited on, but I wasn't even told about them initially.
The line up for Hawaii: My dad, his bull dog-resemblant girlfriend Liz, her two kids (who, after two years of dating, Kerry has met, but I haven't), Kerry, and Kerry's lame friend.
The line up for Germany: My dad, Kerry, and some friend of Kerry's.
Who is missing from those? THE OTHER DAUGHTER!!!!

Now, I am really not sad about the lack of things being bought for me, or the lack of vacations in my future. What is really hurting my feelings is the lack of inclusion in supposedly family activities. When did I stop being a part of the family? Was it when I left for school? Or when my grandparents forgot to get me Christmas presents? Or perhaps when random friend of my sister took my place at all the events. Whenever it was, I don't think that my family realizes how much it breaks my heart that I am not included. I feel like an orphan with a living family for the amount they check up on me. My dad never calls me, and when he calls me back, he usually calls me Kerry by mistake. Monterey is only three hours away at most, but I feel like I have dropped off the face of the earth, and it sucks big time. I don't want them to buy me stuff; love doesn't have to be a material thing, which is something my dad should understand, because that is how he thinks too! Maybe it is easier to please Kerry because she is more material than I am, and as a result sees my dad's love manifested in the purse/jeans/third world country he buys her. But for me, it is in the time when my dad and I go out to lunch, or to the music store, even if we buy nothing, or even when we just sit and talk. But that stuff takes more time, and it's harder to fit into one's busy schedule, so it becomes less important. And apparently, somewhere along the line, so did I.

If you remember to love me, know that I am remembering to love you back.

~E