Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better...

Ear Candy: "Get Better" by Mates of State

I haven’t been very consistent with updating this thing.
I am not actually sure that anyone cares that I don’t update, or even read this, but whatever…
Basically, life has been really shitty lately. I feel like I am in a funk, and I am having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of it. I want to do better, to be better, but I don’t do anything to fix it, and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to fix things. And then I feel guilt and stress and more unhappiness because I am not doing as well as I should be. I am drowning in my school work, which takes up so much of my time. And when I am not doing school, I am working. I work all the time now. I like my job so much, and the people I work with are awesome, but it is very consuming. I am there every day.

I don’t see anyone anymore, and I am feeling really forgotten. Sometimes I am talking to Andy when other people call him to hang out. I don’t get calls anymore. I hear through the grapevine (read: blogs and Andy) about movies and A’romas visits and whatnot that no one even thinks to call me for. I know that I am busy with school a lot, and that I am not always free. But I feel really forgotten. I miss last fall, when there was a group of us who did stuff. There were dinners, and movie nights and basketball until 3 AM. I miss that. I don’t even know when people are playing shows anymore, and no one calls me when I am not at things. Or, worse, people go ahead without me on plans that I had been a part of. I am not important enough to be a part of plans I helped to create.

And on the rare occasion that I am included in things, and can’t go because I have a family obligation (Kerry just threw her back out and my dad isn’t fully healed from his surgery) or work, or school, I am left to feel guilty. Like I am a bad person for not being able to find enough hours in the day.

Our Halloween plans fell through. I am really disappointed. I was so excited about dressing up with everyone. I usually don’t know what I am going to be for Halloween, so not having to do it so last minute was nice. And the feeling of being included in this was my favorite part, because I don’t feel that way very often. I don’t play in anyone’s band, and I can’t draw, so I don’t make the shirts or the posters. I’m left out of everything. I just kind of hang on at the sides, but this was something I was a part of, and that felt really good. Like that one time Spike told me that if no one else could do it, he wanted me to sell his merch. But I now feel like I got ditched as soon as a better offer came along. Which is basically a culmination in itself of how I feel. Replaced. Forgotten. Unimportant. Like a last resort.

Also, my grandma died. She was my Aunt Shannon’s mom, so not my actual grandmother, but yeah, she was my grandma. We did holidays with her, I called her grandma, and it all happened so fast, which made it even worse. And, as always, every time someone dies, it piles on. It brings up every other person I loved who isn’t there anymore. We have officially entered funeral season, and it came earlier than I was prepared for.

I just feel like I am never going to do anything, or get anywhere, or matter.
And it fucking sucks.


(P.S. James: I am glad you like the shampoo/body wash/lotion.)

~E