All mine, always.

Ear Candy: "Always" by Blink 182

I am in this amazing place right now, and I am loving every minute of it here. But there is a part of me that is always looking into the future, always planning and dreaming. Since being here, I have come up with a much clearer and more cemented vision of the life that I want for myself, and it feels really good. I have solidly landed on a major and a career path, which puts my educational goals into a clearer perspective. And as soon as I get home, I have amazing things waiting for me: a hair cut (YES!), a job with rad people (and a raise), a fun play to work on, an amazing schedule, my wonderful friends, and a very special boy. All in all, things are looking good. In honor of such, I have decided to put together another list of things that I want to do in the future:
• Get my toes done. It’s silly and little, but it makes feel pretty, and I don’t get to do it very often.
• Go to the river. I didn’t go all summer, and it was lame.
• Go back to Yosemite.
• Other camping.
• Learn to snow board.
• Learn to sew better.
• Ice skating.
• I want to eventually spend a summer working in Yosemite at one of the lodges.
• See more plays. (Rosie and Bryan, I’m talking to you.)
• Officially get into the management certificate program.
• Learn to play piano
• Get better at French and Russian
• ROAD TRIP
• Go to Alaska to see the Northern Lights (and the puffins!)
• Travel around California to see my friends that are now more spread out.
• Learn to drive stick shift.
• Go to the beach. I miss it so much.

I am excited. It’s a really good feeling.

I miss you. And I love you.

E

love is a place

Ear Candy: "Love is a Place" by Metric

the end of another summer. i officially needed more than just my quilt last night on my bed to be warm. scattered all over my room are the remnants from other summers, and i keep having the weirdest flashes back to what it felt like to be in those moments, and how odd it feels to not be there anymore. i guess this is what growing up feels like. i am not sure how i feel about it yet... but since i can't fix it or stop it or fight it, i guess maybe i should go with it. i keep feeling like it is happening too fast, or like one day i will wake up and suddenly feel ready to take on all of this. maybe i already am, and i just don't know it? maybe, growing up is just becoming more aware of the things that were already true. when did i become some sort of cheap knock off of the dalai lama?

"you shed not a single tear for the things you did not need, because you knew you were finally free"


i leave in three weeks for london. that snuck up on me. i still can't quite picture it yet, but i think i am excited. mostly, i am terrified. and sad. because the people that i love are all going off on their own paths, and i support that fully. but it doesn't make me any less sad to see the little family we've built for ourselves drift away. i can only hope that the people i care about have some inkling of how much i really do love them, and how very proud of them i am, regardless of where i am, or they are. i have mostly been quite lucky with the people who i find in my life. why do i always get sappy and sentimental at the end of summer? i guess this is when reality sets in.

when i get home in 15 weeks, i know there will be a life waiting for me, but what will it look like? who will be in it? what will i look like? i am standing on the brink of the oblivion, and i can't quite see through the fog... but i guess that they were right when they said that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? for me, fear looks like uncertainty.

i guess i just have to trust that things will fall in to place in the right way, and that the best possible future is the one whose path i am on...? how rsbs is that?!


wish me luck as i jump into the unknown.

wherever you are, i love you.

e

it's bad enough that my dad doesn't really want to be my dad. he has more pictures of his girlfriend and her kid on his desk than he does of his own kids. there are no pictures of me or my sister, but three of his girlfriend, and two of her daughter. that bitch already has a dad, why the fuck does she need mine?

now, my dad has decided to completely cut me off financially, because he has decided that i shop too much? which is weird, because the last time i went shopping, i was in london, and that was the only time this year i had used his credit card for anything besides food and gas, which i guess he is tired of paying for.

but the part about this that is so frustrating, is that he justifies it by saying that he is taking kerry's credit card away too. however, kerry is going to college next fall, where she will have a meal plan, so she doesn't need to worry about buying food, and she can't have a car, so she doesn't need to pay for gas. i feel like my dad is only ok with this because it it no way affects my sister. if he had to pick between us, we all know he would pick her. and the worst part about that is that he doesn't even try to hide that. he is throwing her a graduation party... i got into every college i applied to when i graduated, and my dad told me that i couldn't have a graduation party, or send out announcements, because i hadn't really accomplished anything. he wasn't that proud of me... however, my sister, who only got into three (and two of them were Chico and Humboldt) of the ten schools she applied to is having a big graduation party, and aren't we all so fucking proud of kerry... i was informed today also that my birthday dinner will have to be postponed in favor of a graduation dinner for kerry, since my dad doesn't want to have to bring my grandma down more than once that month.

and since my sister is unaffected by this, she doesn't give a fuck. and she is picking on me for being so upset. which is so weird, because when she whines at me to go get her something for dinner, i am curious how she thinks i pay for it... when she whines that her car needs an oil change, and i switch cars with her for the day, how does she think i pay for that? with my minimum wage job and my ten hours a week? no.

and i know i sound like such a bratty, spoiled rich girl. but i really don't give a fuck. my dad doesn't pay attention to me, doesn't really care about me, or any of my interests, and opts to throw money at me because it was easier. now, he isn't even doing that... he has retracted the only thing that he does to show me that he is even aware i exist. so please, spare me all of the stories about how i could have it so much worse. how you all have had to survive with less, whatever... because this is about so much more than the fact that my dad took my credit card away (by the way, closing that account totally FUCKS my credit score. fantastic.) he basically told me that since i am almost 20, i am no longer his problem, and he's done. fantastic.

relax, tree trunk

"why are you here?"
"to fuck you. and then go home, if that's all right."



"you know there are no happy endings in our future, don't you?"

The girl who had made you her own, and then you left her alone...

Ear Candy: "Star Mile" by Joshua Radin

i would love it if, just once, you picked me.

i know i sound whiny, but it's just not fair.

I'm alone, on a bicycle for two

Ear Candy: "Black Hole" by She & Him

even if all this time a part is for the best (i'm still not entirely convinced), it doesn't make me miss you any less.

what sucks the most is that you're happier now that i'm gone.

i don’t believe anything is lost forever, it think that sometimes you just have to work extra hard to find it again.

My Grande Finale at SRJC

Ear Candy: None. It's early and I am trying not to be too awake.

MONDAY/WEDNESDAY:
7:30 - 9:00: English 1B
9:00 - 12:00: Art 7A
12:00 - 1:00: Pilates
3:00 - 5:00: Math 15

TUESDAY/THURSDAY:
9:00 - 10:30: Sociology 1
1:30 - 12:00: Psych 1B

Not too shabby, it is 17 units... But it is a far cry from any schedule I have had so far. Let's see how this works out!

E

I wouldn't like me if I met me...

Ear Candy: "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara

I have always known that I am not perfect. That there are things about me that I am not incredibly fond of. I know there are things I don't do well, things I could improve on. But it is not until these things are put in front of me in black and white, in the words of someone whose opinion matters most to me, that I have decided that there is something wrong with me that can no longer be ignored. I have often spent time re-evaluating myself and my personal character after conflicts with other people, and usually the conclusion I reach is that I kick ass and they can't handle it. However, the common denominator in all of these scenarios is me, and maybe there is something to be said for that. Plus, it feels different when the negative opinion is one that I actually care about. So, rather then completely giving up on myself, I have decided to put together a little MTV Made project for myself, only I am not going to put it on tv, because those people look sad.

To Do List:
- learn to take criticism better
- learn to listen to others better
- begin to conquer my fear of failure
- get over my fear of looking stupid in front of other people
- play my drums better (where other people can witness it)
- calm down
- do something new and exciting just for me once a week.

I think that this has the potential to be good. At the very least, it is something to get me out of bed.

e

you turned me into somebody loved

Ear Candy: "Somebody Loved" by The Weepies

last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.

i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.

and i still am.

It's always prettier in Icelandic

Ear Candy: "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" by Sigor Ros


The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.

That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.

e

so who's gonna watch you die?

Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie

...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.

i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.

please don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them

Ear Candy: "These Days" by Mates of State

i can't remember the last time my picture was taken. i have no recent pictures of me, and not really any pictures of me with my friends. what seems strange about this is that i am often at events where lots of pictures are taken, but never any of me. i am not even lurking in the background. the last picture of me that i remember having taken was when we were walking in to outside lands and spike and andy and ben all agreed that i looked like a dude in it. fabulous.

halloween: n. 1. a holiday that no matter how much hoping, optimism, and careful planning is put into it, it will always be a huge disappointment.

2. one of erin sweeney's top five least favorite days of the year, and 4th least favorite holiday (3rd if you, like me, don't consider Columbus Day to be a holiday.)

i was stupid this year and bought a costume thinking that my plans would work out the way i wanted them to. i always get such high hopes for Halloween, because in my head it is this really amazing, super fun day where me and all my friends dress up and go to parties and have an amazing time. what is strange is that that has NEVER happened. it is now looking like it will be a night of me sitting home pretending we might get trick or treaters. rosie and i might go see zach and miri make a porno tonight, which would be fun.

i am also extremely concerned that my blog is rapidly becoming repetitive and boring. i am working on being more interesting, although it isn't really panning out right now.

i just want to feel like i don't have to try SO HARD to be a part of something. and also, i am super tired of being bailed on. it gets old super fast.

whatever. time to go dress up as a person who gives a fuck about halloween!

erin

i need you so much closer

Ear Candy: "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie

i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.

in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.

i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?

i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.

i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

no love this time, as there is none left for me.

~e

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better...

Ear Candy: "Get Better" by Mates of State

I haven’t been very consistent with updating this thing.
I am not actually sure that anyone cares that I don’t update, or even read this, but whatever…
Basically, life has been really shitty lately. I feel like I am in a funk, and I am having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of it. I want to do better, to be better, but I don’t do anything to fix it, and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to fix things. And then I feel guilt and stress and more unhappiness because I am not doing as well as I should be. I am drowning in my school work, which takes up so much of my time. And when I am not doing school, I am working. I work all the time now. I like my job so much, and the people I work with are awesome, but it is very consuming. I am there every day.

I don’t see anyone anymore, and I am feeling really forgotten. Sometimes I am talking to Andy when other people call him to hang out. I don’t get calls anymore. I hear through the grapevine (read: blogs and Andy) about movies and A’romas visits and whatnot that no one even thinks to call me for. I know that I am busy with school a lot, and that I am not always free. But I feel really forgotten. I miss last fall, when there was a group of us who did stuff. There were dinners, and movie nights and basketball until 3 AM. I miss that. I don’t even know when people are playing shows anymore, and no one calls me when I am not at things. Or, worse, people go ahead without me on plans that I had been a part of. I am not important enough to be a part of plans I helped to create.

And on the rare occasion that I am included in things, and can’t go because I have a family obligation (Kerry just threw her back out and my dad isn’t fully healed from his surgery) or work, or school, I am left to feel guilty. Like I am a bad person for not being able to find enough hours in the day.

Our Halloween plans fell through. I am really disappointed. I was so excited about dressing up with everyone. I usually don’t know what I am going to be for Halloween, so not having to do it so last minute was nice. And the feeling of being included in this was my favorite part, because I don’t feel that way very often. I don’t play in anyone’s band, and I can’t draw, so I don’t make the shirts or the posters. I’m left out of everything. I just kind of hang on at the sides, but this was something I was a part of, and that felt really good. Like that one time Spike told me that if no one else could do it, he wanted me to sell his merch. But I now feel like I got ditched as soon as a better offer came along. Which is basically a culmination in itself of how I feel. Replaced. Forgotten. Unimportant. Like a last resort.

Also, my grandma died. She was my Aunt Shannon’s mom, so not my actual grandmother, but yeah, she was my grandma. We did holidays with her, I called her grandma, and it all happened so fast, which made it even worse. And, as always, every time someone dies, it piles on. It brings up every other person I loved who isn’t there anymore. We have officially entered funeral season, and it came earlier than I was prepared for.

I just feel like I am never going to do anything, or get anywhere, or matter.
And it fucking sucks.


(P.S. James: I am glad you like the shampoo/body wash/lotion.)

~E

baby, you can drive my car

because i probably can't.

Ear Candy: "Drive My Car" by The Beatles

now i'm fucked.
erin got in too many car accidents. so the lovely california dmv is making her go down there and sit before a review board to determine whether or not she should be allowed to keep driving. they could suspend her license for up to five years. FABULOUS! the shit keeps piling up.

what are the chances that anyone would be willing to write erin a letter of reference saying she actually knows how to drive a car? it could be helpful in saving her license. she'd owe you big time.

thank you.

erin (and apparently the other person who speaks for her.)

i drowned in mine

Ear Candy: "Run in the Front" by Dear and the Headlights

i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.

e

i've got nothing to do today but smile

Ear Candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel

Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.

Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done

any takers?

if you love adventures, i love you.

~e

sleep on the floor and dream about me

Ear Candy: "Anthem for a 17-Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene

thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.

after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.

basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.

if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.

~E

when everything's made to be broken...

worst christmas ever. well, second worst. i think the worst christmas ever was the one right after my mom died, when we were all trying to pretend like it was a normal, happy holiday when it was very, very clear that is was not at all. christmas is my favorite holiday. i love it even more than my birthday. i look forward to christmas all year. it is the one day when my whole family gets together, and we have so much fun, and there is good food and good company and everyone enjoying each other. i love it. at my house, christmas eve is really the main event. my dad's whole family (his parents, my uncle and his two daughters, his sister, his adopted brother) come over, as well as my mom's sister and her two kids, and my second mom and my three older half siblings. i love it. and the day always goes like this: at about 2, kathleen picks us up for the christmas mass at st. rose, and the six of us (kathleen and five kids) go to mass, and then look at christmas lights on the way to the house where dinner and festivities and some presents take place. this year, everything went wrong.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.

it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.

i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?

but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.

kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.

christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.

i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.

where ever you're going, i'm going your way

Ear Candy: "Moon River" by Henri Mancini



i didn't write this, but i could have.


~e