I Think a Change Will Do You Good

Ear Candy: "A Change" by Sheryl Crow (despite the fact that she is a dirty homewrecker, the song is appropriate)

LALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA!!! I am sooo happy right now!

Now, because I am (apparently) a trend follower (unintentional, everyone just beat me to the inevitable) I have new hair. Well, it is my old hair with a fabulous new twist. I love it! And only two of you have seen it... Whatev, it is fab. I wish everyone a good hair day.

If you are reading this, I love you (and your hair).

I am completely insane. And I love it!

~E

Everytime you close your eyes: Lies! Lies!

Ear Candy: "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

ARG! There are some days where I just hate being me... Katie and I went out for a long run with the dogs this morning and then laid out for a while. I got a fabulous sunburn from the run, so I now have a wife beater burned into my back. Charming. Kerry freaked out on me because I had borrowed her bikini top to tan in (she had all of mine for Hawaii) and then went even crazier when I found a bunch of my stuff (we are talking half a suitcase) in her laundry from the trip when I was putting it in the dryer for her. She started screaming about how I am a liar, and that they aren't my clothes, and that she can't live with me anymore, and she went completely insane, screaming and throwing things, and sobbing... It kind of freaked me out.

I had dinner with my dad and uncle, which is usually fun. Except that my uncle berated me and chastised me and talked down to me for an hour and a half because of last weekend, and basically made me feel like utter shit. So now I am home, alone and miserable because my poor dad who has to put up with all of us, and my sister have gone to the grocery store.

I hate being me right now. I want to cry, but I know I won't. I won't feel better, just stupid for crying. And nothing will be accomplished. Crying only feels good when there is someone to comfort you and to brush the tears off. Doing it yourself feels empty and sad. I am tired of being empty, and of being looked down on and talked down to. I am not a bad person!!! I am not a criminal, or a punked out thug kid with no goals. I have goals! I am a good kid! I have not thrown my life away and ruined my future. My uncle says I have. I wanted my friends to have a place to play, and to have a good time, and now I apparently have no future. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I don't even know anymore. Fuck this, I am so not happy. I need to get out of here. I need to go far away. I need to go to the beach hardcore. I need to go to bed.

If you are reading this, and not just because you have nothing else to do, but because you really want to know what I have to say, I love you.

~E

I'd dig a tunnel from my window to yours

Ear Candy: "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire

Last night made me happy. Dinner on the couch talking and driving in circles makes me feel happy and good and needed and all that wonderful stuff. I have been in a really weird mood lately. Comfortable and very chill, and very tired. Every muscle in my body hurts, and I am on the brink of collapsing. but I have neevr felt more alive. Much flirting with cute boy, much rock (even rock with neg. after effects), much fun with my girls. All of them. I am loving everything and everyone right now. I am happy to be alive. I really wish I could drive. Like, so so so much. Driving = freedom. Erin = wearing an ankle bracelet.

On another note, another friend (totally different from the last pseudo-anonymous rant post) has been making me make my grrrrr face lately. I am not going to use her name, even though I think that it is pretty obvious who it is... But whatever, I'll let you guess, because I am doing this for my own venting purposes, not for gossiping purposes. If I wanted to gossip, I would be saying this, not writing it.

So my friend Velora* has been getting on my nerves hardcore lately. She is one of my oldest friends, and I love her dearly, but I am never quite sure if I even know her! She is rather antisocial, and she never talks. Trying to have a conversation of any substance with her is like pulling teeth, and she is very secretive about everything, which I respect is her style, but it is hard to know someone if they won't let you know them on anything more than a shallow acquaintence basis. She seems confused and like she is struggling to find herself and her place in the world. She is always so desparate to be "non conformist" or "eclectic"and original and artsy. i love ehr, and I think she has an adorable style, but it would be cuter if you knew that it hadn't taken her 45 minutes to get the "I just threw this on" look she has. We never hang out anymore because she is always with her boyfriend, and they don't seem happy at all together. She says she is with him because she made him jump through too many hoops not to be, and he seems like he is with her because she is hot and way out of his league. But they don't seem happy. She is in love hardcore with her exboyfriend, it is obvious that they should be together if you see them together, and yet she isn't. It is hard for me to admit it, but I honestly think that she will be one of the friends that I stop knowing after high school. I miss her! I miss talking to her and getting more than "uh huh..." in response. And sometimes I don't even know if I can trust her to be genuine with anything with me. I miss certainty.

Now don't get me wrong, I love her, and all of my friends very much. Fighting and finding flaws is one of the the things that makes relationships function. No one likes perfect. I personally think that is just because we all wish we were, and we hate what we can't have.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E

Don't Ever Go, Don't Every Leave Me...

Ear Candy: "Naked Girl" by The Velvet Teen

There is nothing I hate more than being lied to. If I can't trust you we have nothing, and there is no quicker way to get me to lose all respect for you than to lie. be yourself, it's what I love you for. And it is the only way you can ever be genuinely happy, I guarantee it. But for fuck's sake, could people please stop lying?

it hurts me that this it what we have come to.

Love, E

Are you still moving?

Ear Candy: A Dozen Roses" by Braid

FUUUUUUUUCK THIS!!!

Ok, so this is going to be a hardcore rant post, I am warning you all now. I am also not going to tell you who the person is, because 1. I don't want to start shit, 2. I don't feel the need to try to sway your opinion of anyone and 3. because it really doesn't matter.

So anyway... I have this friend Julie* who used to be a somewhat less than attractive girl. She was cute, but never in the way she wanted to be. We were really good friends, we had tons of classes together, and we were pretty much two extensions of the same person. Around the beginning of last year, I started hangingout with some other people, but Julie and I were still definitely friends... We would fight from time to time, both being severely dramatic people, so it was nice to have somewhere else to turn. I introduced her to my other friends, and whenall the shit hit the fan, I lost her. But I lost her in more than one way.

I feel like I don't even know who the fuck she is anymore. She changed everything about her, physically and otherwise. She abandoned her principals, her morals, and apparently, her best friend in an attempt to be the person that she thinks everyone else would want her to be... She was more than willing to turn on me and stab me in the back, spilling things that I told her that were by no means meant to be heard. She acts like an air head, always ditzy and flirty with guys, and she will do anything to get ahead. She even changed her name for the most part. It is like two different people, and she can't even see it. I lost her, and she blamed me. I am a constant, she is a new person, and I am not sure that I like her anymore.

I am fuch\king fed up with everyone trying to be someone they aren't, trying to be what will make them "cool". I had a run-in with "cool" this weekend, and it can fucking suck my metaphorical balls. I am so tired of no one being genuine. In a full out Holden Caulfield move, the world is so full of phonies, there is no escape. I always pride myself on being 100% myself and of always thinking for myself, but is she across the room talking about what a phony I am? Damn.

I hate this. All of it. High school and the PJC and hicks and police and parties that make me and my friends cry and have panic attacks can go to hell. F THIS, MOTHER F-ERS (Mormons make me smile)

On a totally random note, I had a great conversation with Shane last night. I love being able to change my negative opinions of people. I love it even more when I make people smile.

Ok, so I am done with this for several reasons:
1. I am quickly losing my ability to type, and it is frustrating me.
2. I am running out of things to say (SHOCK!)
3. I am realizing that it is very apparent who I am talking about, and I am not trying to start shit.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E



*Name has been changed to protect the bitches involved

Days of Suck, Night of Sleeplessness

Ear Candy: "Blue and Yellow" by The Used

Say what you want about the lame factor of the Used, I love this song... And I am exhausted. My body is starting to shut down and cease to function from stress and overwork. I am tired. of trying, of living my life in a medicated haze trying to function, of pretending to be happy when I know I am lying, of having to carry the weight of others, of feeling like a burden when I try to lighten my load. I am scared. I am tired. I need a hug. I want someone to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that everything will work out. I am tired of being the strong one, the one that doesn't cry, the one that can handle anything. I can't. I want to be finished with this goddamn@$@$&$@$%^#Q&%#&%&*@&%&*%#7 film project, and for my dad to not find out about the party, and for this all to work... I want to do something this weekend, I want everyone to be happy and to have someone or something that makes them that way. I have come to resent everything that used to make me happy. I feel like I am six again, and I am being teased and I try to fight back, but I am too small and there are too many of them. It is just too much.

I want my mommy.

I love you.

~E

You love me, but you don't know who I am...

Ear Candy: "The Scientist" by Coldplay

Maybe I don't even know? I have always been, or at least much more recently, who I wanted to be, and I have always had the attitude of "blow me if you don't like it". But if so many people decide they don't like something in me, is it them, or is it me? I have thought for so long that it was them. But why then? Jealousy? Insecureity? We are all insecure about something. I want to be a rock star and hide my insecurity in my words and my music. Guitars make people sexy. I want to fly away from all of this. From everything, and float over it and see how stupid it is. Right now, I can only hover, not so high as to keep my toes from it. I have loved me, I still do. So why can't everyone else? Why is it that love never comes in the way that you need it to when you need it? It works in mysterious ways, and I hate surprises. Another birthday, another year older, closer to leaving and going away and forgetting. Forgetting everything, everyone. Forgetting me. I want to be the one who isn't forgotten, or replaced. I want to be the one that you love regardless.

You are sheerly you and I am small and undefined. Your imperfections make you perfect and mine make me weird and lower my value. You are unique, I am crazy. I am jealous, but I don't want to be you. I don't know what I want. I want to be the favorite. So much competition, not enough positions. No jobs. No open roles. I want to be what you want, but all I am is me. When will that be enough? When will you smile with your eyes? I want to be beautiful, I want to be your muse. I was just guessing. You don't know how lucky you are.

"Tell me you love me/Come back and hold me"

I am going in circles, triangle sheet music is just rhythm. I felt stupid, but I had to know. Nothing is better left un asked, and no one should leave things unsaid. You are beautiful.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E

You Can Always Be Gone...

Ear Candy: "Champagne From a Paper Cup" by Death Cab for Cutie

Thank you so much Claire...

You saved my life.

I love you.

~E

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes...

Ear Candy: "Collide" by Howie Day

So tonight was OC night, which was fine and all, but honestly, the only real event of the night was the ride home. Ginge drove me home, which was fun, because it was like old times. We talked about everything that had happened, and I told her that I missed her so much. And she told me she missed me too, and that she had never hated me, and we both apologized. I know that I can never hope to have back what we used to have, but I am so thankful that I can have at least this with her. She is a best friend like none I have ever had, and when I lost that, you can bet I felt it. Even after everything that was said and done, she still means so much to me. There are so many songs that make me think of her, so many memories that make me smile, or cry... And I still can't go get bagels in my jimmy jams without missing her. I know we will never be close like we were, but I need to at least be ok with her, and to know that we are ok... I need that. And there are tears streaming down my face (I fell so stupid when I cry in front of people) and I don't know if they are happy or sad, or relieved, but they feel good. It feels so good to get all this out. So Gingey, (I am not even sure if she reads this or not, not that any of this is anything she hasn't heard...) I lurve you darling... Thank you for tonight... For everything. I owe you.


If you are reading this, especially tonight, I love you.

~E

All I Really Want Is You...

Ear Candy: "To Forever Embrace the Sun" by Sky Came Falling

You know that the second best feeling in the world is? Having a crush on someone. It just makes me feel alive... I dunno, I just love it! The heart pounding when you see them, the unsuppressable grin when they say hi, just wanting to be with them. The first best feeling in the world is knowing that someone has a crush on you. But for now, I'll settle for second. And second ain't bad! Just when I forgot I was living, I get brought back. I love that.

I apologize for being girlish and crazy. But I won't say that it won't happen again, beacause that would be crazy talk.

I love you.

Laters, E

Tell It Like You Still Believe...

Ear Candy: "Amie" by Damien Rice

So today in Ms. Butler's class, and old student of hers came in to say goodbye. He graduated last year, had just turned 18, and had enlistend in the infantry of the Marine Corps. I had never met him before, and I was not even sure that I had seen him around school before... He looked vaguely familiar, but done up in his full out military gear, he looked less like a student and more like a stern-faced adult. His name was... something Chamberlin I think. Like I said, I didn't know him. But for some reason, seeing him there in his uniform, I just wanted to cry. He said that he was being shipped to the Fallujah-Bagdhad area, and that he would have one of the most dangerous jobs in his unit. The song "Amie" by Damien Rice was playing on my iPod while he was talking, and I just felt so sad for this boy. He was so young. And I know he is all brave and everything for going to "defend his country", but he is so young! He has his whole life ahead of him. And the thought of him never coming home absolutely broke my heart. I kept thinking, "that could be Galen... Or Pierpaolo..." And how much I love them both so much and that I couldn't bare to lose either of them. How much I didn't want to lose anymore people I care about. The guy got a sad look on his face when we said that none of us were enlisting, and all I could think running through my head when I saw his face was, "why?" And "When do you come home?" I have never met him, but in the five minutes he was in my life, I felt so sad at the thought of him going to war. I have no idea why.

If you are reading this, I love you.

Love, E

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

Ear Candy: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane (I love everything about this song)

I did nothing today. Well, nothing of significance anyway. And I loved it! After Katie dropped me off in her new car (!!!) I bummed around, played the Sims, showered and dragged my dad to the grocery store, all the while dodging phone calls from annoying people who I did not want to hang out with on my lazy day. Then I made a really good grilled cheese sandwich. It was a successful day. Now I am going to go drive around with Jess and Katie and have things be as they were. I miss those days when we were all so close. But it just goes to show you, you can never go back. But I think tonight we might try, and either way, I will always love my girls...

Laterz, E

Oh, I lost mine...

Ear Candy: "This Velvet Glove" by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

OK, so tonight was fun funny fun fun fun. I went out for thai food with Katie and Rosie... Cathy showed up half way through, and we had some delightful thai rolls and all sorts of yummy things. I love thai iced tea, ephedra content be damned!! Today I pretty much did nothing but lounge around, but it was fun.. I needed a chill day after last night's surf rock-induced fun. I love the beach. And of course, the lovely phone call from my dad "So, me and your sister had to take a trip to the Emergency room.... We're fine... Just thought I would let you know..." WTF?! He just split his head open, which in the spectrum of all the idiot injuries we have gone through, is not that bad. I think I fully freaked out Julia though... But back to tonight... After dinner (at Thai Taste, which is very good. Good food, reasonably priced, cozy intimate atmosphere...) we walked around for a while, and then went and saw Hide and Seek with Buffi and Sarah. Wow, that movie terrified me. I did NOT See that coming... But I was laughing at really inopportune moments, because the sherrif in the movie was played by the same guy that played Robert Macnamara in Thirteen Days, that Cuban Missel crisis movie we watched in history last year. So whenever he came on the screen, I had to make a comment in the Kennedy accent... BOMB! Needless to say, we were curled in eachother's laps wibbling and freaking out... I think I bit Katie. But me, Katie, and Sarah were afraid to sleep alone, so we are all crashing at Katie's house... And I am tired, so I'm out...

I love you.

Laterz, E

But yes, I did call her monkey...

Ear Candy: "Bad Dream" by Lyrics Born (courtesy of Brie via Cappy)

BAHHH!!! Guess who has two thumbs and hates EVERYTHING? *thumb point at self* This guy... Yeah, so maybe I don't hate everything... These are things that I like:
* Brianna
*Brianna's Bed
*Lap tops
*Hot Chocolate
* Brianna's little Monkey-Dog
*Destiny's Child making me "Lose My Breath"
*When Brie dances like a black person +++++
* Not having to go to French
*Proposing to my Katiekins with roses
*Late night conversations with RoRo involving action figure-sized hobbits...

Yeah, I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that relate to what I am doing right now... Um, this week has sucked my ass so hard it is not even funny... But that just means that the universe owes me a really good weekend. Git 'r Done. Heckacopter tonight a la Phoenix... I am not even going to try and compete with the Puppycat groupies.... LAME. Erin = too cool for that. Erin= too modest for words...

Here's a theory for you to completely disregard: Anything can be accomplished by wearing a slutty shirt. Unless you are... er... rather "portly", then we will do anything to make you change.

That was mean of me. I am feeling bitchy and this is my blog. Fuck off.

Cleaning Brie's room. Late.

Laterz, E

Follow your heart, not your comforts...

Ear Candy: "Time of No Reply" by Nick Drake

So today sucked. A lot. I am so so tired of it sucking and of only writing blog posts that ooze emo and bum people out.

So I was talking to Khouansiva today (I love her so much. She is truly amazing in every way possible and she doesn't even see it.) and she asked me what I want. It's a very simple question, but I came up with a lot, and I felt the need to get it down...

*I want things to make sense
*I want certain people to like me and to go to turnabout with me and to stop being a dillhole.
*I want my old friends to stop hating me and treating me like dirt and talking down to me, and to get over themselves, and for us all to get along. I miss them, Gingey especially...
*I want everyone to stop yelling at me and being mad at me for things I didn't do.
*I want a part in a play that means something, and for people to realize that I deserve to be there just as much as they do...
*I want a vacation where people actually call me and I don't have to pull teeth to see people
*I want a real hug with a squeeze that makes me feel better
*I want friends that aren't only friends with me because they want something, and that I know I can count on.
*I want to be happy. I am so fucking tired of being unhappy.
*I want... I want my mommy... There is nothing I can do about that one.

I want a minute of normality... I am so tired of all of this, of everything. I need to go to bed.

Mario and Brittany need to stop fucking to we can finish filming our project. I take a while to edit. BAH.

I love you.

Laterz, E

I Didn't Lose My Mind... Someone Took It...

Ear Candy: "Dear Can" by !!!

GAH!!!

I am so so so soooooooo NOT ok with people telling me what to think or do, or pressuring me into their way of thinking. Contrary to popular belief, not only do I have a conscience and the ability to make decisions, I use them!!! And people speaking for me and basing things off the crazy things I say when I am mad (which I usually NEVER act on) is completely stupid and don't blame me when y'all put words in my mouth.

Fuck this, why am I defending myself? I didn't do anything wrong.

Get over yourselves.

Laters, E

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Ear Candy: "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles (l'original, bitches!)

OC party was fun. O.C. = heroine for the brain. I like it better than heroine because there is no needle involved. Apples are not kosher. Krispy Kreme is. I miss Frankie very very much. I want to pay his phone bill. Not shaving legs is nasty. Not wearing deoderant is worse. Ryan is good at spelling. Gwen Stefanie should never rap. Last night was both super fun and super depressing. Birthday parties and Damien Rice = bad combination. Michael is a good guy. I am up way to early. I am excited for shopping. Kacey is throwing a party, I get a free cup. I probably wont go. Everyone is going to turnabout. No date. Everyone is dating someone. They're lame. I am tired. My dad is buying me a car. I hate sounding spoiled. I hate driving stick.

I love you.

Laterz, E

Naptime Rebels!

Ear Candy: "Naked Girl" by The Velvet Teen

SO yeah, went to the Phenomenauts show with Katie. There was much fun to be had.

Opener bands = LAME LAME LAME
*Left Alone -should have been kept that way
* Mastema -who brings a four year old kid to a rock show? If I were in a band, I would stop rocking when I had kids... Or at least keep them at home!
* Freak Accident - So lame we were forced to go to Deaf Dog, which is not lame.
*Mongoloid - trying to be the Phenomenauts, only dumber.

Night in recap: Fun bus ride on warm comfy bus to Petaluma. Cold walk to Phoenix from bus stop. Petaluma = cold as fuck. Opener bands = suckage like whoa. Deaf Dog = yum. There were these little pocket-sized punks that I swear could not have been older than 12, and they were all rebellious and anarchistic, and I have to question, what were they rebelling against, nap time? Hence the term the Naptime Rebels. There was one in particular, a very rowdy, annoying boy with a lot of black curly hair and a bow that for no fathomable reason we referred to as 'Lunchmeat'. Much amusment (word to not being able to spell!) there. Phenomenauts were awesome, def worth the wait. Rockage was achieved, although Lunchmeat staged dived and kicked me in the eye. Will have mark there, which will be referred to as a battle wound.

I am tired. I can't stop shaking, I am so tired. And my heat got fixed today!! YAY!

Erin = heading off to her nice toasty bed *grin*

I love you.

Laterz, E

It was only a kiss...

Ear Candy: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

I love love love this song times 10. It boggles my mind how people write songs... I write poems all the time, but setting them to music just seems difficult. Especially in a world where it is so important to be unique and different and to distinguish yourself from everyone else. If you have to make your sound different than everyone elses's, what do you base off of?

Sorry to everyone if I have been in a funk lately... I am not entirely sure what is up with me. But I know I get very difficult to be around at times. And that I talk a lot. I have a lot to say, and this theory that everyone needs to hear it. Perhaps I take the theory too far? New resolution: Blog more, talk less.

Song change: "Let Go" by Frou Frou

I love when the people around me amaze me, or surprise me. In a world where I am constantly feeling separated, it is always nice when someone says or does something (usually little things that they don't even realize they are doing) that bring me back. Shane is awesome. I don't actually know him that well, but he is really cool to talk to. For no reason that I can understand, I got up early today and went for a run. I hate running, but I was moved to go, so my dog and I went and did our hearts a favor. I can't wait for swimming to start. Unfortunate fact about swimming starting: It starts on Valentine's Day, one of the three most depressing days of the year. BAH to that.

Last night was really funny. I was sitting with my dad and my sister on the couch eating our dinner of sushi and this really yummy tofu thing my dad made (the table is too covered in our paper work to actually eat at) and I go to let the dog inside (he has a habit of running away when the garage door opens, but he always comes back) and he comes running in with something in his mouth. We all kind of look at him, and then my dad says " is that a loaf of bread?" It was. SO my sister starts chasing the dog around the house trying to get the bread back, my dad is continuing to marvel at the fact that the dog has a loaf of bread, and I am falling over I am laughing so hard. I think I am the only one that finds the situation amusing, and I am not even sure why I laughed.

I need to do something.

If you are reading this, I love you.

Laterz, E

You there, in the adorable scarf...

Ear candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel

So yes, today was definitely a day of Arthurian Legend films. Props to Ethan and Dillon for their supremely well-edited project film, I was impressed. I must say, the presentations def made me feel quite shitty about the poster I made at three in the morning. And this is looking to be a weekend where I do absolutely nothing and just study. Not cool, but will accept it. Hell, I probably need to study for French. I slack off way too much in that class. I think the only way we know some of the phrases is because Madame yells them at us waaay too much and tries to get us to speak more French.. ("Ah non, Beatrice! En francais!" "Nicholas! Pas en anglais") Yeah, kinda like that...

So here's a theory for you to completely disregard: Everyone has gone crazy. Completely and totally insane. All my friends for one, seem to have caught spring fever like, three months early and are all boning eachother. And then they are all emotional and snippy and vague. I am so completely confused by everyone around me... What ever happened to using your words?

Phenomenauts tomorrow at the Phoenix. I think Katiekins and I are going to be hitting that shit up mad style... We haven't been to a show in entirely too long. Can I just say that I love Katie so so so so much. I know she doesn't read this, but she is still fabulous.

Song change: "Little Piece of my Heart" by Big Brother and the Holding Company

This is one of those posts where I really don't get around to saying much, because although I have quite a lot to say, or to write about, or that I want to say and whatnot, putting it into words is the tough part. If you really care that much, get me all liquered up and I'll probably tell you. That or attempt to make out with you. It's like a fifty-fifty chance...

If you are reading this, I love you.

Laterz, E