Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies...

Ear Candy: "Forever Young" by Alphaville

I went and saw Elizabeth Town with Quinnie after school today; it was fabulous. I liked it better than Garden State, which I loved. It was beuatiful as Cameron Crowe is pretty much amazing, and the best ever. The story, the acting, the dialogue, were all wonderful. And the cinematography was brilliant. I loved it.

But it made me so sad. I was crying, and not just for the movie, for me. I have been thinking about her so much lately. What with it being my senior year and then I am leaving home, and my dad talking about getting married and replacing her, and just in general, all of the things that I don't have her to do with me. In the movie, he went on a road trip with his dad's ashes. He talked to his father, and got to say good bye. He had all of his memories. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. Out of everything, there is only one thing that I really want. I want her back. I want her to hug me, and tell me she loves me, and that she is proud of me, and to have a mom again. I am so lost and confused in the way that only my mom could help me with, and I think I am stuck lost. I just don't understand it. I miss her so much it kills me. Aunt Shannon and Kathleen and everyone tell me that I am just like her, that she would be proud, blah blah blah. I never got the chance to know if I am like her. Because I never got to know her as anything more than my mommy who made me sandwiches and took me to ballet and made the costumes and did hot lunch at school and yelled at Bethany's mother for being dumb (which is apparently genetic). And how do they know what she would think? She isn't here to say it.

God is supposed to love us. To protect us. Good things happen to those who are good, and the wicked are punished, right? Then why the fuck did such and amazing, genuinely good woman who cared so much for everyone around her suffer like that? And why did I have to watch my mother, my fucking mother, decompose? Forget my name and who I was, lose her hair, her body, her mind, and be swallowed up by something that no God could have ever wished on anyone. Where the hell was God? And what am I supposed to do know? If God isn't watching out for us, then who is? I can't put my faith in Him. I am faithless.

I think I have been talking about her more lately, and I am sorry if that makes everyone uncomfortable, I am sure it must be hard to know what to say or how to react, and I don't blame you. Nor do I want you to pity me or anything like that.

I'm not really sure what brought this all on. I'm sorry...

If you love the people who love you so much it hurts, I'm hurting for you,

~E

The innocent can never last...

Ear Candy: "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day

Ok, so kick me for being cliche, but I love this song... It strikes a chord with me for some reason.

Last night was phenomenal. It was perfect. Getting lost has never been so fun. James has never been more amazing, and he only cracked under pressure once. Bitches from Arizona have never been bitchier. Back spasms have never been funnier. Wilco has never sounded more like Coldplay (*cough*). Chessecake has NEVER been tastier, nor more well deserved. The Castro has never been cuter. And I doubt any of us have ever done that much impromptu sight seeing before. The city has never been prettier, or more perfect.

I loved every moment of last night, from the faces being made at passing drivers, to all the getting lost, to the good food with great company, and it feeling like Devin's daddy was with us, he called so much... Dinner is always better at Midnight. James telling us repetedly that last night was the best night ever reiterated the point in my mind. There is nothing I would have rather done last night. And I must say, that was the right number and mix of people. Yay us. (Not that we didn't miss you Megs.)

If you love San Francisco, I love you.

~E

Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Ear Candy: "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Ani DiFranco

Typing things is cold. I know that it should be the same as writing things down, but it never is. I have so many thoughts and ideas, and I can pour them through my hand into the pen and watch the pen flood the paper with my heart, and it will feel warm. But when I get to the computer to spill my ideas onto it, I am suddenly empty. Everything bubbles right underneath my surface, and I can’t think. I am frustrated. It is cold and unfeeling. Handwriting is different for everyone, but on a computer, we all type the same. We all have the same fonts; we all use the same spell check. Typing things makes them impersonal. This makes me sad, because if I take the time to write something, then it means something. And how can I convey that if it is all the same? I wish I could hand write a novel; but my handwriting is crap, so perhaps not…

If you have random moments where you feel the need to share your thoughts, I love you.

~E

I might never reach you...

Ear Candy: "Writing to Reach You" by Travis

I am not saying divorce. I am not saying never again, and I am not saying hate. But I am tired. Tired of all of this. I feel like I am speaking fucking Japanese or something. I am probably a little therapy brat, but I honestly feel like things can be fixed by talking. They can, but only if you are listening. But you hear what you want to hear. And that isn't anything that I am saying. I have been screaming at you, crying at you, whispering, anything and everything, just trying to reach you. To make you hear me. And I don't think you ever will. I loved you. I love you. I would have done anything for you. What we were was real. But you threw it away on the pursuit of something that will never be real. And I can't wait forever for you to figure that all out.

It is not about the boy. I need to make that very clear. Because as far as he goes, you two deserve each other. (And yes, you could have said no. You could have handled it gracefully, or tactfully, or thinking even a little bit... But there is no attention to be gained from doing it that way. Did you get your applause?) It is what he represents, the fact that you always have, and always will put yourself and trivial wants before us. And so often have I given up what I wanted to satisfy you. And I am really not sure how you have repaid me. You abandoned me, knife to the heart style, last year when I needed you more than ever. Sure, maybe I keep throwing it in your face. And yeah, you apologized for that, but we never talked about it. Not really anyway. And it still stings like it was yesterday. It killed me, and you laugh it off like it was nothing. No more trivial than you losing a shirt you borrowed.

You aren't being the girl I know. Why do you need fake love so much? And if you want love, then why are you pushing away all the people who really care about you? And here is what I don't understand: How no matter what, I am always the one who will get hurt. Everytime, you get you get your trophy, and I get my heartache.

I feel like I am crying more than laughing with/because of you now adays... Were things ever good with us, or was it always like this? Last night, I kept remembering bad things that just made me so upset. I want all this bad to go away. But honestly, nothing you say will fix anything. Because your words are empty. You say one thing, and then the next minute you are off doing the exact thing I just told you was killing me.

You will probably read this. You will do what you always do, get defensive and mad and say, "Erin is such a selfish bitch!". Then cry to everyone, try to turn them against me, get your support team behind you to glare at me and not hug me good bye, ignore everything that I am saying, and then tell me you love me, and apologize, tell me how confused and sad and ugly and horrible you are and how you need me. And then nothing will change. Don't get defensive, just open your eyes.

Am I a bitch for posting this? Quite possibly, but it needs to be said. I am not holding this in anymore, it is poison on my soul, and I need to [finally] do something for me.

I quit.

If you heard a fucking word I just said, or even bothered to read this whole thing, I love you.

~E

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week

Ear Candy: "Portions of Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

I am so smurfing pissed off. And the worst part is, there isn't really any particular reason that I can pinpoint, or anyone I can blame. But what it all basically comes down to is that I am a pushover. I always am the one that backs down, and lets other people get what I want to avvoid a fight. I am always the one who tells myself that I don't deserve to be happy, to get what I want, which is incredibly hypocritical of me to do that, because I am always telling other people that they deserve to be happy. But then why am always the one who ends up sad? The roles in plays (or musicals) and boys, and even when we go shopping and both try on a dress that looks good on both of us, I let her have it. WHY?!

Currently, my biggest issue is with my friend, let's call her Margot*. She is incredibly self righteous. Everything in life that she wants, she assumes that she deserves. And not only that she deserves it, but that she is the only person who is worthy of having it. Everything is always about her, whether or not it actually is. I can't actually remember the last time my opinion counted for smurf, or that I even finished a smurfing sentence without her either cutting me off or start fidgeting with the anticipation of having her turn to hear herself talk while saying pretty much nothing. She assumes that she is always the leader of everything, that she is always the best, and she makes herself a part of things that she has no business being a part of. And, on the very slim off chance that she is rooting for someone in lip service, she will then procede to turn around and stab them in the back, if not directly. And the worst part of all, she will tell you the entire time how she is so unworthy, how you are so much better, even though she struts around like she is god's gift to mankind. SMURF THAT.

I have had a thing for Peter* on and off for the better part of five years. And I have watched him hook up with [repetedly], date, and hurt many friends of mine, all of whom [repetedly] assured me that my time would come, that I was so pretty and so smart, and so wonderful and how could he not see that? Apparently, very easily. And dear, DEAR Margot herself was the front runner on the most recent "Oh my God, you guys are totally perfect for each other, it would totally happen" campaign, has once again, pulled some classic Margot action, and made it all about her. Telling Peter to his face how much she likes him, how much she wanted to be with him, and apparently, he would want to be with her too, were he to be in any sort of relationshippy place. WAIT. HOLD THE SMURFING PHONES. WHAT?!?! Was she not just telling me that she was totally rooting for me? Bull smurfing smurf if you ask me.

Where is my vindication? Is there no smurfing justice in this world? I think I cannow definitively say that I know what it feels like to be kharmically smurf slapped by a six-armed goddess. I am seriously just getting incredibly tired of everyone letting her have her way. Her dreams; her boys; her roles; her songs; her choice of what we listen to in the car, even if I want to hear something else, or hatethe song she has picked. Does anyone care about my vote? SMURF NO!

And the worst part? I get labled the insensitive bitchy"bad friend" for thinking any of this. It is getting really hard to love people when you are freezing your ass off in their shadow and they just borrowed your sweatshirt.

If you have lent me a sweatshirt in the last 18 months, I love you.

~E (who shall, heretoafter be referred to as Anne Frank. No Jew comments, please. Mother smurfers...)

Could we please be objective?

Ear Candy: "Seeing Other People" by Belle and Sebastian

Did you miss me? I haven't written anything in so long, I doubt anyone still even reads this. So many times I have had so much to say, and I had every intention of sitting down and pouring my heart and mind into my key board, but each time would sit down with a purpose and get up not quite remembering what that purpose was.

I hate those posts that just summariaze life, because if you really were so curious about my life, I suppose you could just pick up the phone and call me. I am finding friends in the strangest of places, hands reaching out to me from places I would not have forseen. And then there are the old friends who I feel like I have lost (or maybe never had?) And my heart strings are being fired up in the starangest, and oldest of places. Isn't it funny how you can bury something into your heart and forget about it, seemingly having destroyed it, and then months later it can rear its ugly head? I don't think I will ever understand my own emotions. And I don't think I would ever want to.

People are so surprising. I find out new things about the people I thought I knew at every turn in the road. Dimensions make me love people more. And isn't it strange and funny how people take things and call them their own, and only you know the truth? When suddenly you become a fallower of your own ideas? That doesn't sound so bad, but I hate being told what I thought...

I am suddenly overcome with a paniced feeling, like I have no future, like there is nothing for me after high school, and maybe I am not so smart after all? What happens when I am sitting there with a pile of seven letters and none of them want me? What then? What happens when there is no one who wants me?

If you love me, I love you.

~E

I'll be alright, as long as you stay with me...

Ear Candy: "Stay With Me (Brass Bed)" by Josh Gracin

Tonight was the best, the worst, the most... I can't even describe it. Tonight was the worst I have felt in a very long time, the first time in seemingly forever I have cried... At least about her... I love/need/hate/miss her more than anything. And I don't talk about it, or think about it, but it is there. And tonight I felt it. And I cried. And then my angel was there.

Tonight was seven years. Seven years of crying, laughing, loving, hating, boys, girls, fighting, living. Seven years that I couldn't have done and wouldn't have loved if I hadn't had my angel with me. Claire Bear, you are my everything. My best friend, my rock, my sense of humor, my smile in the morning (especially mornings where I wake up because you are jumping on me.) my sister. I needed you, you were there. I knew you would be, because you always are. You always have been. And I hope you always will be.

Here's to being 40 with better hair than our moms at 40, and for never having to fight Spiderman. Here's to tanning now and buying new skin later. Here's to F*R*I*E*N*D*S and friends. Here's to "hanky" and "hankies" and sweet sweet heroine coursing through our veins when we're eighty. And jumping in front of buses while most certainly not wearing diapers.

I love you. You saved me yet again. We win at life.

I love you girlee! You are delightfully rhuddabomb. TURTLE POWER!

~E

If you need to fall apart, I can mend your broken heart.

Ear Candy: "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden

... and then I floated home on a cloud.

Crush definitely back in the ring, fists a' flyin'. Who was I kidding? I was never over it.

If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. And I love you.

~E

Put the knife back in the medicine cabinet

Ear Candy: "Nine Things Everybody Knows" by Q and not U

I am sad/happy/excited/confused. First off, boys who have girlfriends should not kiss girls who are not their girlfriends. It is not nice to third party girl. But whatever...

Friday was the last day of school, which means that as of 12:12 Friday, I am a SENIOR!!!!! I am so excited for next year. Senior year is the best year of your life, apparently, and I need a wonderful year after this one... I was so sad that all my seniors are leaving, but Friday night as I watched them all graduate, I was brimming with pride, and I couldn't stop smiling. Geez, I am worse than the Country Club grandma I was sitting next to... She would laugh everytime we cheered for someone. But it is summer now, and i have three months with them all (well, one with Shane, who I am going to miss so much!!) and that is yay.

Ear Candy: "Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck" by the Blood Brothers

Went to Steffie's grad party this afternoon, which was nice because I got to hang out with everyone. Archie was home, and so was Nani. I took an unusually large amount of shit today, and some on very sensitive subjects. I laugh about it, but honestly, I am not ok with it. There are certain people who really don't know when to quit. And I am tired of it. Yes, I have a big nose, but accept it and fucking move on, it is REALLY not that funny. The same old jokes are growing very tiresome, and I am tired of laughing like I think it is funny. It feels like lying. I realize that most people continue to joke because it prevents them from being the center of the mockery, but why does it have to be there at all? Is it impossible to be friends with someone and not be mean to them? There is a point where it stops being funny.

what rhymes with pity?

I don't want this to be a big deal, I don't want drama, and I don't need another Canadian dinner. But seriously, I can only have so much grace under pressure before I just get tired of it!

Brianna: If you are reading this, I miss you like crazy. And you owe me tea.

If you aren't being an asshole, I love you.

~E

Going to the beach...

Ear Candy: xsurfx by Heckacopter

Does it make me groupie if I am a. listening to their album, and 2. if it automatically puts me into a better mood? Whatever, groupie or otherwise, I like that they are friends of mine, and it is fun to dance to.

No, this is not a fanatical "Oh my god, I love Ethan and Dillon SOOOOOOO much!!!! They are so fucking hot!!!111!!one!! lolzies!!" entry.

I am so fucking ready for school to be over, but I am really sad to say goodbye to all my seniors. I know that we will, for the most part, still be friends. But it will be weird being at Montgomery without you all. Oh well, I get to go to graduation, so that will be a good time for me to get to cry like a pathetic little child and shamelessly drape myself over all of you whilest begging for you not to leave me... Perhaps that is a dramatization.

I don't think there is much of a point to this. Eeew, icky ex-boyfriend is talking to me. Does he think we're friends or something? He must have missed the memo... And who could have predicted that he is still a pompous ass hole?! (*drowns in pool of own sarcasm*)

Job applications are calling my name... Call me, I'm boreddddd!

If you aren't being hounded by creepy ex's, I love you. And i'm jealous.


~E

Un Monde Parfait

Ear Candy: "Un Monde Parfait" par Ilona et Tres Bien

Dans unmonde parfait, I would be able to take French IB/AP next year avec Madame Melvin and everything would be tres jolie. However, dans le monde tres merde I am currently inhabiting, I can't. When the Madames sat down to make the schedule for next year, they forgot to take into consideration the choir kids.... Backs were bent over in a general backwards direction for the fucking student gov kids (I can't possibly express how much I deteste Miriam Briceno... Abhor?) and the class has been moved from it's cozy position in fourth period to second period to accomodate the brats. This would seem to work fabulous were it not for the fact that I take choir second period. I already didn't take Concert choir this year to accomodate French into my schedule, but I am not doing it again. There are more choir kids than gov kids, and the choir kids have been in the program longer, but we are being overlooked, and I am very sad about this.

Ear Candy: "Quand On Cherche l'Amour" par Natasha St. Pierre

I love taking French very, very much. I love the culture, I love the language and speaking it, and I love the Madames, but I am feeling very, very slighted here... I moved schedules so that I could fit in French, assuming that it was fourth period. I dropped another elective, and a free period so that I could fit everything, and now I can't even take it. I am really just sad about this... J'aime le francais.

Si tu parle le francais, je t'aime.

~E

I'm the lyrical gangsta...

Ear Candy: "Hot stepper" by Ini Kamoze

Tracks flash back to surfing in St. Babs with Jo on the kyaks... We are awesome.

We finished editing our movie today, and it is one big pat on the back to James Ryall... Credits: "A James Ryall Film" "Directed by James Ryall" "Edited by James Ryall" "Written by James Ryall" "Starring James Ryall"... wow.

but it is totally bitching, and my feet make a cameo, and Schloempy called it "perfection" and James does get mad props, and I am happy. (See, I told you I would write a blog about it...)

If you love movies, I love you more.

~E

Popepopepopepopepope *to the tune of Vadar march*

Ear Candy: "The Imperial March" by John Williams

Ok, so I apologize for the über emo-ness of the previous post. Yeah, I am not going to detail it all right now, I am not really in the right mood for it, but maybe later?

This weekend was spent recovering from my week in Healdsburg, and apprently missed out on a very exciting weekend. But whatever, hopefully there will be a party this weekend I can go to? I really have no idea what happened to Ben, I have heard a lot of different stories, and I am not entirely sure, so I don't talk about it like I have all the details. Whatever the the actual events, all I can say is that I really hope that he is ok. That is kinda the only important part, right?
However, due to these unfortunate events, we have decided, as a group (or part of the group anyway) to instigate new policies regarding parties:
- underclassmen are no longer allowed to drink or smoke at our parties. If they want to drink or smoke or whatever on their own time, that is fine, but not at parties anymore.
- the seniors are in charge of parties (a power that is not to be abused)
* if the party is being held at the home of a junior, or sophmore, they also assume responsibility.
- as bitchy as it sounds, perhaps the attendence of underclassmen should be a case-to-case situation? I am not trying to be exclusive, nor was this even my idea, but honestly, a large part of this incident sounds like people not knowing their limits combined with immaturity.

In my opinion, precautionary actions need to be taken in order to prevent more incidents like this, seeing as had Ben not been put out when he was, two more seconds and he would have died. I don't think any of us are really prepared to deal with that, I know I am not.

This weekend is a three day weekend, and because I did not get to hang out with any of you, so you owe me!!! *shakes non-intimidating fist*

I love you with a firey passion (BAD pun!)

~E

It's my heart your dealing with, and it's my heart you break...

Ear Candy: "My Heart" by The Perishers

Last night broke my heart.

Not a word I heard could I relate

Ear Candy: "Kashmir" by Led Zepplin (kickin' it old school)

Prom tonight.

I am jealous of the boys who don't have hug hectic days getting ready!! I am also proud of myself that I got my nails done yesterday, one less thin I had to worry about today. In 20 minutes, I have to go get my hair done, and then not lean on anything so it won't get ruined until 6:50, after that fuck it... Going to Mags's to get ready, so somene can do my make up for me, hopefully... I still need to do my eye brows, pick up the boutinere and confirm my after party plans... Haven't talked to Paul today yet, but am growing increasingly thrilled with the headset for my phone... It is my hero...

I am through boring you all now..

I hope everyone has a fabulous evening!!!

I love you all in formal wear.

~E

Just like you said it would be...

Ear Candy: "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice

I was fine.

I was completely ok. I had forgotten. No, not forgotten, but pushed from my mind. Made my peace, moved on. I was happy, it was far from my mind, I had moved on. But now this...

Out of sight, out of mind. What do I do when I know that it is there again? There is no temptation when the temtaion is removed, but whatabout when it is returned? I don't want that, any of it. I am so glad to be rid of it.

So then why do I feel so sad when I see pictures? And why do I now feel sick to my stomach knowing that?

I need to not love you.

~E

If you don't ask the right questions, every answer feels wrong

Ear Candy: "Hell Yeah" by Ani DiFranco

GAH! I hate my dad right now. SO much! And I thought we were making progress and getting along and everything, and then he has to go be a total asshole and fuck everything up again. I am so tired of this.

And I have to stay in MARIN with my grandparents for a WEEK while he goes on some trip with his buddies and they have to drive me to Santa Rosa to go to school every day because he doesn't trust me home by myself anymore, due to the horrendous train wreck that was Sweenstock.

Happy fucking birthday to me. (He won't even let me have a birthday party, parties are so banned in my house.)

And I am sick. I so don't even need this!! And Bush canceled the O.C. damn him. (Yeah, I said negative things about the president in a public forumn, so if I mysteriously disappear, someone may need to come to Cuba and bail me out of Guantanamo Bay... Ah, the Patriot Act in action... )

Ack, I am pissed off and my dad is being annoying and pestering me. Thank you for O.C. night, even if Bush hates the O.C. and took it off, seeing you all was perfect.

I'll write later.

If you aren't pissing me off right now, I love you.

~E

If you want to find somebody else that's better, go ahead...

Ear Candy: "Go Ahead" by Rilo Kiley

I am not crazy. I am tired of being told that I am crazy. I have heard it so much I am actually starting to believe it. My dad and everyone else seems to think that I am suicidal and crazy, and dangerous or something stupid like that... I don't feel like I am allowed to function. My dad has had me medicated and in therapy since I was eleven, and now five years later I am still saying the same thing, "I don't need this". I am not depressed! I am not in any way interested in killing myself. I am fine just being as I am.

I will never measure up. I will never be as good at things as my dad wants me to be, and I am ok with that, but he can't accept it. I like to sing, but I will never be great at it. I like to dance, but I am not a dancer. I like to swim, but I am not fast nor will I ever be. I am tired of being told to try harder and of what I am capable of when how the hell does anyone but me know what those are?! I am fine with the person I am turning into. There are so many good qualities to me and why is that not enough? I am smart, but I am not motivated to do well in school because it is not the right environment for me. I hate the structure; I feel trapped. Trapped by his expectations and the disappointed looks and the fasley calm tone to his voice when he is telling me how I should be better.

I will never be him, and I am ok with that. Why isn't he? My dad is suddenly realizing that I am going to be gone soon, and he wants to get closer to me. Can't he see all he is doing is pushing me away? I want to have a good cry over this or something, but it is so freaking stupid!! I won't let myself! Jo and I just had a talk about someone else bitching about stuff like this, and yet here I am doing the same thing!! And what is worse, I hate hippocrites. But I do not hate myself! I am not a bad person and I am tired of hearing that I am not good enough; I am.

I am good at so many things, just not the things he wants me to be good at. I am a good writer, but not a fast runner. I am not ugly, but I will never be the pretty one. I am not the one in a crowd that stands out, and if we have only met once, you probably won't remember me, but that's ok. He still has Kerry, right?

If you love yourself, I love you too.

~E

Do you see what I see?

Ear Candy: "They" by Jem

So this is a short post to just say that I love Megan, my non-girlfriend. (i know she reads this, so...)
Megs, you are amazing. You are so sure of yourself, and so beautiful and smart, and creative, and delightfully dorky, and off beat, and soooo funny!! I love you! You always make me feel so much better, and give me little pick-me-ups. You know me so well, and I love it... I am not really sure how to put it all into words, and I am sure this sounds dumb and incoherent, but you are for sure wonderful and amazing and fabbity fab fab and I love you. Thank you for being you, always you and no one but you. Thank you for not having a fake soul. You rock me.

I love you (especially if your name starts with "M" and ends in "-atteberry"

~E

Tell Me What You Want to Know

Ear Candy: "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" by The Killers

+++++ I have a date for prom
++++ I am actually 100% sure that I do this time... hehehe
+ Star Search was awesome yesterday
+++++++ Good talks with Katie Cooney
- Not hanging out with Andrew last night
+ Meeting Lisa (she's so cute!)
--- Taylor is a poon
++++++++++++++ My prom dress (is the BEST!)
+++ Did I mention how fab it was?
+ Seeing Brie at the coffee shop yesterday
- No OC night with the gang
+++ Talking to Laursies
+ "Presents" from very cool people I just met (not as sketchy as it sounds)
-- Waking up to early
+++ Going to the city today!
-- Brie being gone at the Ershered-out Hanson wedding
-- Not having talked to Shane since I got home
++++++++ Hugs

If you're happy and you know it, I love you.

(I love you even if you aren't sure)

~E