because i probably can't.
Ear Candy: "Drive My Car" by The Beatles
now i'm fucked.
erin got in too many car accidents. so the lovely california dmv is making her go down there and sit before a review board to determine whether or not she should be allowed to keep driving. they could suspend her license for up to five years. FABULOUS! the shit keeps piling up.
what are the chances that anyone would be willing to write erin a letter of reference saying she actually knows how to drive a car? it could be helpful in saving her license. she'd owe you big time.
thank you.
erin (and apparently the other person who speaks for her.)
Thursday, May 01, 2008
i drowned in mine
Ear Candy: "Run in the Front" by Dear and the Headlights
i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.
e
i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.
e
Saturday, March 01, 2008
i've got nothing to do today but smile
Ear Candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel
Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.
Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done
any takers?
if you love adventures, i love you.
~e
Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.
Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done
any takers?
if you love adventures, i love you.
~e
Friday, February 15, 2008
sleep on the floor and dream about me
Ear Candy: "Anthem for a 17-Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene
thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.
after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.
basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.
if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.
~E
thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.
after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.
basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.
if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.
~E
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
when everything's made to be broken...
worst christmas ever. well, second worst. i think the worst christmas ever was the one right after my mom died, when we were all trying to pretend like it was a normal, happy holiday when it was very, very clear that is was not at all. christmas is my favorite holiday. i love it even more than my birthday. i look forward to christmas all year. it is the one day when my whole family gets together, and we have so much fun, and there is good food and good company and everyone enjoying each other. i love it. at my house, christmas eve is really the main event. my dad's whole family (his parents, my uncle and his two daughters, his sister, his adopted brother) come over, as well as my mom's sister and her two kids, and my second mom and my three older half siblings. i love it. and the day always goes like this: at about 2, kathleen picks us up for the christmas mass at st. rose, and the six of us (kathleen and five kids) go to mass, and then look at christmas lights on the way to the house where dinner and festivities and some presents take place. this year, everything went wrong.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.
it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.
i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?
but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.
kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.
christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.
i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.
it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.
i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?
but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.
kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.
christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.
i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
where ever you're going, i'm going your way
Ear Candy: "Moon River" by Henri Mancini
i didn't write this, but i could have.
~e
i didn't write this, but i could have.
~e
Sunday, April 22, 2007
There the darling goes; it’s magnetics that are pulling her down.
Ear Candy: “Parachutes (Funeral Song)” by Mates of State
I am so incredibly tired of being told that “no one can make you unhappy without your consent.” I’m sure that that is just a lovely theory for a person who is in no way affected by the world around them. However, for me, it is different. The people around me have an incredible effect on my life, and right now, none of that is a positive effect. I have been pretty much miserable this past year, and although it would be unfair to say that none of that is on me, I do not think it is fair to say that it all is.
Things with my family haven’t really been very good for as long as I remember. My mom was always the care taker and my father was the bread winner, and they were both really good at what they did. So when my mom got sick, it was a huge strain on all of us. And my father, for the first time of many, paid someone else to deal with his problems. He paid therapists to talk to my sister and I so that he didn’t have to listen to us, he paid a chef so he didn’t have to cook, he paid a cleaning lady to come keep the house clean, he even paid other people to drive my sister and I around so he didn’t have to. He only cut back at work when it became apparent that my mom was going to die, and even then it was only to spend time with her, not to learn how to take care of us. When she did die, he took back on some of his work hours, and my sister started coming home to an empty house where no one was there to feed us, or help us with our homework, or even just show an interest in our day. Kerry and I both handled the death differently; I became the adult, and adopted maturity beyond what I was emotionally capable of, and suppressed all of my feelings because everyone said that I had to be strong for the family. Kerry regressed to a little girl, and attention was lavished onto her and she was coddled and protected from everything. My dad continued to pay other people to take care of us so that he could wallow in his own pain, apparently unaware that anyone other than him was affected by this death, or at least not to the magnitude that he was. However, that did not stop him from beginning to date two and a half months later. And ever since then, there has never really been that much unification amongst the members of my family. My father put exceptionally high standards in place for me academically, and expected me to be able to excel at everything that I did, although he was not around to help me, or to recognize how much emotional healing I had to do on top of my school work. So again, feelings were repressed and I was expected to do well, he pushed me to be better than everyone else, and only seemed to be proud of me, or even care about me when I did.
Everything in my house directly correlated to how high our grades were, and Kerry and I were constantly put into competition with each other. I was forced to go see a therapist that I didn’t like, both alone and with my dad, but Kerry was allowed to quit therapy when she wanted to because “she did well in school”. He went to more of her track meets than my swim meets because she was a better runner than I was swimmer. When he did come to my swim meets, his comments after my races were almost always solely about how I could have/should have done better. He never came to see the plays I worked on, and he left half way through the ones I was in. He even compares us as far as physical appearances go, often telling both of us how we need more exercise, or could stand to lose a few pounds, or aren’t in as good of shape as we could be. As a result of those talks, my sister, and especially me are always convinced that we aren’t as pretty as we should be, or as thin as we should be.
This pressure has instilled in me the thought that if I am not the best at whatever it is that I am doing, I shouldn’t be doing it, or that I shouldn’t be proud of the work that I did, and that it wasn’t good enough. If I am going to swim, I have to win, and I have to be the fastest. If I am going to dance, I have to be the best dancer there. He didn’t think he needed to go see the plays I was in because I wasn’t the lead. If I am taking a class, I had better get an A, and my test grade needed to be the top grade always. And if I was going to go to college, which wasn’t an option, I couldn’t go to the JC, I had to go to a “real college”, and I had to go to the best “real college” I could get into. So even though I knew I wasn’t ready to leave home, and that I didn’t want to go to a four year right away, I had to because it was expected of me. And as a result, I have been in a situation that I don’t like doing work I don’t enjoy.
I look at my sister, and myself, and I don’t think that I would be too proud of either of us, if I were the parent. I am an emotionally crippled perfectionist with a constant need to please everyone around me, and at the same time, a desperate need to feel like I am better than the people I am trying to please. I have to be the best at everything. I have to be the prettiest, the smartest, the fastest, whatever… I just need to feel like I am at really good at everything. I was taught never to be proud of work that could have been better, even if I worked as hard as I could on it. And I can’t get close to people, and trust them as much as I would like to because I know that in the end, there is only me, and that the other people don’t care about me as much as I need them to. I put to much pressure on the people around me to love me, because I don’t feel that I get the love I need at home, at least not if I am just me and not super Erin.
Kerry, on the other hand, is a mean, selfish, rude individual who thinks that the rest of the world exists to cater to her. She intimidates and manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants, and has no remorse about it. I have watched her belittle and boss around my uncles, her friends, my dad’s girl friend, even my dad. But none of that compares to her favorite target: me. She loves to tell me how much she hates me, and that I don’t live in our house, so I have no right to be there anymore. She tells me how she doesn’t like when I am around, and that if I move home next year as I am planning to do, she will make my life miserable, because I am ruining her life, specifically because she does not get spoiled as much if I am there. She insults me, and constantly berates me for no reason. Completely unprovoked, she will come in, and start insulting everything about me, from the food I am eating, or the TV show I am watching to the clothes I am wearing, and how I look in general. I am routinely called fat, or ugly, and told that I “look like hell”, or that my clothes are ugly, and my outfit “doesn’t work.” Her newest thing is to tell me that I am a failure because I want to come home and go to the JC. In a word, she is a monster.
Being constantly told that my house is not my house makes me feel like I don’t belong there and I constantly feel unwanted. Being told that I am a failure makes me feel bad about my decisions and myself in general. She makes me feel like the ugly, awkward, unpopular little girl I was freshman year. She makes me feel two inches tall. And, with very few exceptions, my father stands there like none of this is happening. Now, in his defense, he is usually to busy with is job, or his girlfriend, or his bike, or his friends to pay attention to his children. And when he comes home from a long day of work, or hanging out with his girlfriend, why should he have to deal with us? He ignores it when I leave the room in tears, or when she hits me for nothing, or any of the insults. But he is suddenly very alert if I respond, and he has no problem with hitting me if I hit her. His logic is that “no one hurts his daughters.” So then what does that make me?
I know that thinking about myself this way is wrong, and that letting them have this kind of effect on me is also not a great idea, but when this is the only way I know how to be, it isn’t so easy to change things. My dad’s family tells me that it is not my dad’s fault, that he works really hard, and can’t be expected to also have to come home and make dinner or whatever. (He doesn’t cook, and if we want food, we either have to make our own dinner, or get take out.) My dad’s newest plan is to hire yet another family counselor to “fix” our “family”. His excuse for how things are now is that it was hard when my mom died, and that it is hard to be a single parent. Now, I understand both of those points, but I don’t think that they are valid excuses for letting things get this bad. When it actually happened, I could see being overwhelmed with everything. But now it is five and a half years later, and his excuses are looking really thin. But he is continuing to look to other people to fix things for us, and to refuse to take responsibility for all of this, especially for Kerry’s behavior.
I don’t feel like a part of my family. I feel excluded and unwanted. After my dad pushed me out of the house with the excuse of college (which he was too busy to even take me to, because he wanted to go on a trip with his girl friend that they planned after they knew when I was leaving), he began to focus his efforts onto Kerry. He buys her whatever she wants, and lets her do pretty much anything, most likely in an attempt to keep her from turning out as disappointingly as I did. They have made a total of three trips to Hawaii with Kerry, where I have stayed home. The entire Sweeney family went on a white water rafting trip in Oregon, without me. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, and one of her lame friends recently went on a three day ski trip (in the middle of the week, which meant Kerry was allowed to miss school to go to the snow) without even telling me where they were, or that they were going anywhere, and my dad and sister are going to Germany without me this summer. Not only did they make their trips to Germany and Hawaii without including me, they did it without even telling me. They have frequently had diner with my dad’s girlfriend and her children, who also went on the trip to Hawaii. I, however, have never met her kids, even though they have been dating for almost two years, and have never even been invited to one of these dinners. And my father’s response to any of that is that it is my fault that I don’t feel like a part of the family. Sometimes I get the feeling that they would be happier if I wasn’t there. I would be one less hassle, one less thing to worry about. All I want is to feel like I matter to them, or like they at least made an effort to include me, or to care about me.
So now, I am almost 18, and I am supposed to be able to be an adult, and take care of myself, but I feel so broken, and unhappy and ill prepared that I can’t fathom me ever being able to take care of myself. But other than that, I am out of options, because my family sure as hell isn’t going to take care of me. I can’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy; everything has always just been a temporary distraction from how bad things really are, and how unhappy I really was.
All I really want is to be free. I want to have a day when my head and back don’t ache with stress, or a day when I cry for no reason. I want to feel wanted, and loved, like I belong wherever it is that I am. I don’t want to feel like a guest in my house, or a stranger in my family. And I don’t think that there is anyone I can pay to help me feel better. I think I am, once again, alone on this one.
~E
I am so incredibly tired of being told that “no one can make you unhappy without your consent.” I’m sure that that is just a lovely theory for a person who is in no way affected by the world around them. However, for me, it is different. The people around me have an incredible effect on my life, and right now, none of that is a positive effect. I have been pretty much miserable this past year, and although it would be unfair to say that none of that is on me, I do not think it is fair to say that it all is.
Things with my family haven’t really been very good for as long as I remember. My mom was always the care taker and my father was the bread winner, and they were both really good at what they did. So when my mom got sick, it was a huge strain on all of us. And my father, for the first time of many, paid someone else to deal with his problems. He paid therapists to talk to my sister and I so that he didn’t have to listen to us, he paid a chef so he didn’t have to cook, he paid a cleaning lady to come keep the house clean, he even paid other people to drive my sister and I around so he didn’t have to. He only cut back at work when it became apparent that my mom was going to die, and even then it was only to spend time with her, not to learn how to take care of us. When she did die, he took back on some of his work hours, and my sister started coming home to an empty house where no one was there to feed us, or help us with our homework, or even just show an interest in our day. Kerry and I both handled the death differently; I became the adult, and adopted maturity beyond what I was emotionally capable of, and suppressed all of my feelings because everyone said that I had to be strong for the family. Kerry regressed to a little girl, and attention was lavished onto her and she was coddled and protected from everything. My dad continued to pay other people to take care of us so that he could wallow in his own pain, apparently unaware that anyone other than him was affected by this death, or at least not to the magnitude that he was. However, that did not stop him from beginning to date two and a half months later. And ever since then, there has never really been that much unification amongst the members of my family. My father put exceptionally high standards in place for me academically, and expected me to be able to excel at everything that I did, although he was not around to help me, or to recognize how much emotional healing I had to do on top of my school work. So again, feelings were repressed and I was expected to do well, he pushed me to be better than everyone else, and only seemed to be proud of me, or even care about me when I did.
Everything in my house directly correlated to how high our grades were, and Kerry and I were constantly put into competition with each other. I was forced to go see a therapist that I didn’t like, both alone and with my dad, but Kerry was allowed to quit therapy when she wanted to because “she did well in school”. He went to more of her track meets than my swim meets because she was a better runner than I was swimmer. When he did come to my swim meets, his comments after my races were almost always solely about how I could have/should have done better. He never came to see the plays I worked on, and he left half way through the ones I was in. He even compares us as far as physical appearances go, often telling both of us how we need more exercise, or could stand to lose a few pounds, or aren’t in as good of shape as we could be. As a result of those talks, my sister, and especially me are always convinced that we aren’t as pretty as we should be, or as thin as we should be.
This pressure has instilled in me the thought that if I am not the best at whatever it is that I am doing, I shouldn’t be doing it, or that I shouldn’t be proud of the work that I did, and that it wasn’t good enough. If I am going to swim, I have to win, and I have to be the fastest. If I am going to dance, I have to be the best dancer there. He didn’t think he needed to go see the plays I was in because I wasn’t the lead. If I am taking a class, I had better get an A, and my test grade needed to be the top grade always. And if I was going to go to college, which wasn’t an option, I couldn’t go to the JC, I had to go to a “real college”, and I had to go to the best “real college” I could get into. So even though I knew I wasn’t ready to leave home, and that I didn’t want to go to a four year right away, I had to because it was expected of me. And as a result, I have been in a situation that I don’t like doing work I don’t enjoy.
I look at my sister, and myself, and I don’t think that I would be too proud of either of us, if I were the parent. I am an emotionally crippled perfectionist with a constant need to please everyone around me, and at the same time, a desperate need to feel like I am better than the people I am trying to please. I have to be the best at everything. I have to be the prettiest, the smartest, the fastest, whatever… I just need to feel like I am at really good at everything. I was taught never to be proud of work that could have been better, even if I worked as hard as I could on it. And I can’t get close to people, and trust them as much as I would like to because I know that in the end, there is only me, and that the other people don’t care about me as much as I need them to. I put to much pressure on the people around me to love me, because I don’t feel that I get the love I need at home, at least not if I am just me and not super Erin.
Kerry, on the other hand, is a mean, selfish, rude individual who thinks that the rest of the world exists to cater to her. She intimidates and manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants, and has no remorse about it. I have watched her belittle and boss around my uncles, her friends, my dad’s girl friend, even my dad. But none of that compares to her favorite target: me. She loves to tell me how much she hates me, and that I don’t live in our house, so I have no right to be there anymore. She tells me how she doesn’t like when I am around, and that if I move home next year as I am planning to do, she will make my life miserable, because I am ruining her life, specifically because she does not get spoiled as much if I am there. She insults me, and constantly berates me for no reason. Completely unprovoked, she will come in, and start insulting everything about me, from the food I am eating, or the TV show I am watching to the clothes I am wearing, and how I look in general. I am routinely called fat, or ugly, and told that I “look like hell”, or that my clothes are ugly, and my outfit “doesn’t work.” Her newest thing is to tell me that I am a failure because I want to come home and go to the JC. In a word, she is a monster.
Being constantly told that my house is not my house makes me feel like I don’t belong there and I constantly feel unwanted. Being told that I am a failure makes me feel bad about my decisions and myself in general. She makes me feel like the ugly, awkward, unpopular little girl I was freshman year. She makes me feel two inches tall. And, with very few exceptions, my father stands there like none of this is happening. Now, in his defense, he is usually to busy with is job, or his girlfriend, or his bike, or his friends to pay attention to his children. And when he comes home from a long day of work, or hanging out with his girlfriend, why should he have to deal with us? He ignores it when I leave the room in tears, or when she hits me for nothing, or any of the insults. But he is suddenly very alert if I respond, and he has no problem with hitting me if I hit her. His logic is that “no one hurts his daughters.” So then what does that make me?
I know that thinking about myself this way is wrong, and that letting them have this kind of effect on me is also not a great idea, but when this is the only way I know how to be, it isn’t so easy to change things. My dad’s family tells me that it is not my dad’s fault, that he works really hard, and can’t be expected to also have to come home and make dinner or whatever. (He doesn’t cook, and if we want food, we either have to make our own dinner, or get take out.) My dad’s newest plan is to hire yet another family counselor to “fix” our “family”. His excuse for how things are now is that it was hard when my mom died, and that it is hard to be a single parent. Now, I understand both of those points, but I don’t think that they are valid excuses for letting things get this bad. When it actually happened, I could see being overwhelmed with everything. But now it is five and a half years later, and his excuses are looking really thin. But he is continuing to look to other people to fix things for us, and to refuse to take responsibility for all of this, especially for Kerry’s behavior.
I don’t feel like a part of my family. I feel excluded and unwanted. After my dad pushed me out of the house with the excuse of college (which he was too busy to even take me to, because he wanted to go on a trip with his girl friend that they planned after they knew when I was leaving), he began to focus his efforts onto Kerry. He buys her whatever she wants, and lets her do pretty much anything, most likely in an attempt to keep her from turning out as disappointingly as I did. They have made a total of three trips to Hawaii with Kerry, where I have stayed home. The entire Sweeney family went on a white water rafting trip in Oregon, without me. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, and one of her lame friends recently went on a three day ski trip (in the middle of the week, which meant Kerry was allowed to miss school to go to the snow) without even telling me where they were, or that they were going anywhere, and my dad and sister are going to Germany without me this summer. Not only did they make their trips to Germany and Hawaii without including me, they did it without even telling me. They have frequently had diner with my dad’s girlfriend and her children, who also went on the trip to Hawaii. I, however, have never met her kids, even though they have been dating for almost two years, and have never even been invited to one of these dinners. And my father’s response to any of that is that it is my fault that I don’t feel like a part of the family. Sometimes I get the feeling that they would be happier if I wasn’t there. I would be one less hassle, one less thing to worry about. All I want is to feel like I matter to them, or like they at least made an effort to include me, or to care about me.
So now, I am almost 18, and I am supposed to be able to be an adult, and take care of myself, but I feel so broken, and unhappy and ill prepared that I can’t fathom me ever being able to take care of myself. But other than that, I am out of options, because my family sure as hell isn’t going to take care of me. I can’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy; everything has always just been a temporary distraction from how bad things really are, and how unhappy I really was.
All I really want is to be free. I want to have a day when my head and back don’t ache with stress, or a day when I cry for no reason. I want to feel wanted, and loved, like I belong wherever it is that I am. I don’t want to feel like a guest in my house, or a stranger in my family. And I don’t think that there is anyone I can pay to help me feel better. I think I am, once again, alone on this one.
~E
Monday, January 29, 2007
fill my empty room with the sun
Ear Candy: "Empty Room" by Marjorie Fair
I haven't updated this in quite a while, so I doubt anyone still reads this, but that is ok. It makes me sad that I don't update very much anymore, because I used to all the time, and I think it was good for me. But nevertheless, here I am now. I worry that this entry will turn into my own little pity party, although that is not my original intent, but I can see that the topics I plan to go into could go that route.
I feel like I am not a part of my family anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. When I am home in SR, I usually stay at Rosie's house, not at my own. And although it would appear that that is because my boyfriend lives at Rosie's, and while that is a definite bonus, it isn't my big reason. When I am gone, my sister's friends sleep in my bed. They go through my things, they wear my clothes, and my family uses it as storage. When I am home, my sister likes to remind me that it is not my house; that I don't live there anymore, while my dad stands by and says nothing. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised that he says nothing, as that is his usual stance when Kerry is being horrid. She says things to me that are more hurtful than I could ever explain. If the things she says are how she really feels, then it breaks my heart that my sister, who means more to me than I think she, or anyone else, really knows, thinks that lowly of me. And my dad pretends he can't hear it, but suddenly develops the hearing of a bat when I respond, and the arguement is ruled my fault and is ended. So he sides with her in arguements. That is nothing, I am sure you are thinking... Erin is being a big, silly over-reactor if that is the big problem. And generally, I would agree with you. Only that is just the tip of a big, mean, Leonardo DiCaprio killing ice berg.
More recently, my father purchased a brand new, shiny Honda Civic, which will be shared by me and my sister, who will both be liscenced drivers this summer. At the end of the summer, I might be able to take it to school, if it survives Kerry and her permit. (She already backed into the wall at the top of our driveway and jacked up the paint on the back, as well as added a lovely dent. It is less than two months old.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am way stoked about a car. It just sucks that Kerry gets a new one when I go to school, and I get the one she trashes. He and Kerry have also started this new thing where every Sunday they do something together, which in my dad's mind I'm sure was things like bike rides and hikes. In reality, it is more like Kerry gets majorly spoiled. Here is a recap:
- Sunday, January 21st (I'm still home at this point): Kerry and my dad go on a raid of the Coach outlet in Petaluma. Kerry comes home with a new bag, a pair of shoes (that should only be worn by tennis playing, fake blonde, martini drinking middle aged house wives who married CPAs with bad haircuts), and a pair of sunglasses that do not compliment her face shape. My dad got a belt that Kerry made him buy. He couldn't even tell the difference between the men's and women's belts. Erin got a phone call telling me to do the dishes and walk the dog.
- Saturday, January 27th: Kerry and my dad go to a nice lunch at some classy place in SF, then go to see a Golden State Warriors game where they have third row seats. They do not invite me, even though I am close enough to the game that they could have gotten me without going too far out of their way.
- Sunday, January 28th: Kerry is taken by my father to get her cartiledge pierced. Now, that probably does not seem like that big of a deal, only a little less than a year ago, my dad told me I couldn't have a piercing there because of the high rate of infection. WTF? Now, I know what you are thinking, "but Erin, you have a nose ring, so isn't that equal???" No. Because Kerry thinks my nose ring is dumb, and does not want one, where as I do want an upper ear piercing. Boo.
Now, I can guess what you are thinking here. "But Erin, you really just sound like a spoiled rich girl whose daddy is not buying her enough." Perhaps, but not really. Because while my dad was out buying Kerry her own island in the Carribean or whatever, he was forgetting to pay my tuition, so they cut off my meal plan for three days. And he was planning trips to Hawaii and Germany, both of which I am not only not invited on, but I wasn't even told about them initially.
The line up for Hawaii: My dad, his bull dog-resemblant girlfriend Liz, her two kids (who, after two years of dating, Kerry has met, but I haven't), Kerry, and Kerry's lame friend.
The line up for Germany: My dad, Kerry, and some friend of Kerry's.
Who is missing from those? THE OTHER DAUGHTER!!!!
Now, I am really not sad about the lack of things being bought for me, or the lack of vacations in my future. What is really hurting my feelings is the lack of inclusion in supposedly family activities. When did I stop being a part of the family? Was it when I left for school? Or when my grandparents forgot to get me Christmas presents? Or perhaps when random friend of my sister took my place at all the events. Whenever it was, I don't think that my family realizes how much it breaks my heart that I am not included. I feel like an orphan with a living family for the amount they check up on me. My dad never calls me, and when he calls me back, he usually calls me Kerry by mistake. Monterey is only three hours away at most, but I feel like I have dropped off the face of the earth, and it sucks big time. I don't want them to buy me stuff; love doesn't have to be a material thing, which is something my dad should understand, because that is how he thinks too! Maybe it is easier to please Kerry because she is more material than I am, and as a result sees my dad's love manifested in the purse/jeans/third world country he buys her. But for me, it is in the time when my dad and I go out to lunch, or to the music store, even if we buy nothing, or even when we just sit and talk. But that stuff takes more time, and it's harder to fit into one's busy schedule, so it becomes less important. And apparently, somewhere along the line, so did I.
If you remember to love me, know that I am remembering to love you back.
~E
I haven't updated this in quite a while, so I doubt anyone still reads this, but that is ok. It makes me sad that I don't update very much anymore, because I used to all the time, and I think it was good for me. But nevertheless, here I am now. I worry that this entry will turn into my own little pity party, although that is not my original intent, but I can see that the topics I plan to go into could go that route.
I feel like I am not a part of my family anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. When I am home in SR, I usually stay at Rosie's house, not at my own. And although it would appear that that is because my boyfriend lives at Rosie's, and while that is a definite bonus, it isn't my big reason. When I am gone, my sister's friends sleep in my bed. They go through my things, they wear my clothes, and my family uses it as storage. When I am home, my sister likes to remind me that it is not my house; that I don't live there anymore, while my dad stands by and says nothing. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised that he says nothing, as that is his usual stance when Kerry is being horrid. She says things to me that are more hurtful than I could ever explain. If the things she says are how she really feels, then it breaks my heart that my sister, who means more to me than I think she, or anyone else, really knows, thinks that lowly of me. And my dad pretends he can't hear it, but suddenly develops the hearing of a bat when I respond, and the arguement is ruled my fault and is ended. So he sides with her in arguements. That is nothing, I am sure you are thinking... Erin is being a big, silly over-reactor if that is the big problem. And generally, I would agree with you. Only that is just the tip of a big, mean, Leonardo DiCaprio killing ice berg.
More recently, my father purchased a brand new, shiny Honda Civic, which will be shared by me and my sister, who will both be liscenced drivers this summer. At the end of the summer, I might be able to take it to school, if it survives Kerry and her permit. (She already backed into the wall at the top of our driveway and jacked up the paint on the back, as well as added a lovely dent. It is less than two months old.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am way stoked about a car. It just sucks that Kerry gets a new one when I go to school, and I get the one she trashes. He and Kerry have also started this new thing where every Sunday they do something together, which in my dad's mind I'm sure was things like bike rides and hikes. In reality, it is more like Kerry gets majorly spoiled. Here is a recap:
- Sunday, January 21st (I'm still home at this point): Kerry and my dad go on a raid of the Coach outlet in Petaluma. Kerry comes home with a new bag, a pair of shoes (that should only be worn by tennis playing, fake blonde, martini drinking middle aged house wives who married CPAs with bad haircuts), and a pair of sunglasses that do not compliment her face shape. My dad got a belt that Kerry made him buy. He couldn't even tell the difference between the men's and women's belts. Erin got a phone call telling me to do the dishes and walk the dog.
- Saturday, January 27th: Kerry and my dad go to a nice lunch at some classy place in SF, then go to see a Golden State Warriors game where they have third row seats. They do not invite me, even though I am close enough to the game that they could have gotten me without going too far out of their way.
- Sunday, January 28th: Kerry is taken by my father to get her cartiledge pierced. Now, that probably does not seem like that big of a deal, only a little less than a year ago, my dad told me I couldn't have a piercing there because of the high rate of infection. WTF? Now, I know what you are thinking, "but Erin, you have a nose ring, so isn't that equal???" No. Because Kerry thinks my nose ring is dumb, and does not want one, where as I do want an upper ear piercing. Boo.
Now, I can guess what you are thinking here. "But Erin, you really just sound like a spoiled rich girl whose daddy is not buying her enough." Perhaps, but not really. Because while my dad was out buying Kerry her own island in the Carribean or whatever, he was forgetting to pay my tuition, so they cut off my meal plan for three days. And he was planning trips to Hawaii and Germany, both of which I am not only not invited on, but I wasn't even told about them initially.
The line up for Hawaii: My dad, his bull dog-resemblant girlfriend Liz, her two kids (who, after two years of dating, Kerry has met, but I haven't), Kerry, and Kerry's lame friend.
The line up for Germany: My dad, Kerry, and some friend of Kerry's.
Who is missing from those? THE OTHER DAUGHTER!!!!
Now, I am really not sad about the lack of things being bought for me, or the lack of vacations in my future. What is really hurting my feelings is the lack of inclusion in supposedly family activities. When did I stop being a part of the family? Was it when I left for school? Or when my grandparents forgot to get me Christmas presents? Or perhaps when random friend of my sister took my place at all the events. Whenever it was, I don't think that my family realizes how much it breaks my heart that I am not included. I feel like an orphan with a living family for the amount they check up on me. My dad never calls me, and when he calls me back, he usually calls me Kerry by mistake. Monterey is only three hours away at most, but I feel like I have dropped off the face of the earth, and it sucks big time. I don't want them to buy me stuff; love doesn't have to be a material thing, which is something my dad should understand, because that is how he thinks too! Maybe it is easier to please Kerry because she is more material than I am, and as a result sees my dad's love manifested in the purse/jeans/third world country he buys her. But for me, it is in the time when my dad and I go out to lunch, or to the music store, even if we buy nothing, or even when we just sit and talk. But that stuff takes more time, and it's harder to fit into one's busy schedule, so it becomes less important. And apparently, somewhere along the line, so did I.
If you remember to love me, know that I am remembering to love you back.
~E
Monday, December 11, 2006
So I would choose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make
Ear Candy: "So it Goes" by Billy Joel
I hate this. I keep looking at pictures of you, or I see something funny or that makes me think of you, and I want to call you, but I know you won't pick up. I just keep hoping... I called just to hear your voice. It's weird, I got used to the feeling of missing you. It's not like one day you just weren't there... You weren't there for months. And even though I had you on the phone, it wasn't the same... We had no play time, no snuggle parties, no car rides singing like crazies. And it seems weird to think we won't have any more... On my white board in my room, it says on December 23rd: "Cooper home! Patsy day!" I was going to go to the air port with your mama and pick you up. And stop for cheesecake or something on the way home. And sing along with musicals and the Beatles and laugh and be crazy, and winter break was going to be good because we would all be together again. Now we're going to be together, with a big gaping hole in the circle. I've been trying to ignore it. To pretend it's not happening. That I didn't bury you. But I hate it so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. Every instinct I am having is to call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't go out there for Thanksgiving. I probably could have afforded the ticket, but I wanted to stay here and see everyone. I should have gone. Then you wouldn;t have been in that car. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I threw a small fit because they left the onions on my food last night. I wanted you to be there so I could sneak them into your food. I don't know what to do...
I love you.
Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.
~E
I hate this. I keep looking at pictures of you, or I see something funny or that makes me think of you, and I want to call you, but I know you won't pick up. I just keep hoping... I called just to hear your voice. It's weird, I got used to the feeling of missing you. It's not like one day you just weren't there... You weren't there for months. And even though I had you on the phone, it wasn't the same... We had no play time, no snuggle parties, no car rides singing like crazies. And it seems weird to think we won't have any more... On my white board in my room, it says on December 23rd: "Cooper home! Patsy day!" I was going to go to the air port with your mama and pick you up. And stop for cheesecake or something on the way home. And sing along with musicals and the Beatles and laugh and be crazy, and winter break was going to be good because we would all be together again. Now we're going to be together, with a big gaping hole in the circle. I've been trying to ignore it. To pretend it's not happening. That I didn't bury you. But I hate it so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. Every instinct I am having is to call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't go out there for Thanksgiving. I probably could have afforded the ticket, but I wanted to stay here and see everyone. I should have gone. Then you wouldn;t have been in that car. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I threw a small fit because they left the onions on my food last night. I wanted you to be there so I could sneak them into your food. I don't know what to do...
I love you.
Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.
~E
Monday, November 27, 2006
And now state lines look like the Berlin Wall
Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
Dear Jessica,
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not beingh ere or picking up the phone when I frantically called you to make sure it wasn't true, confirming that it was. I hate you because I can't hate you, and I love you, and now I feel empty inside because you're not here. No one was ever a better or worse friend to me than you were. No one understood me like you. We practically had our own language! Our jokes, all of our play time, every huge fight that was "the final fight", and yet we always bounced back... What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! How could you just go and leave me like that? You know we had too many plans! There was too much left to do, too much we didn't say, or laugh about... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I need you. I love you. I miss you so much I feel like I might break. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, you are somewhere wonderful where you are happy, and can eat all the onions you want, because I know how much you love onions. And old, rotting chicken. I love you.
Patsy.
Dear Jessica,
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not beingh ere or picking up the phone when I frantically called you to make sure it wasn't true, confirming that it was. I hate you because I can't hate you, and I love you, and now I feel empty inside because you're not here. No one was ever a better or worse friend to me than you were. No one understood me like you. We practically had our own language! Our jokes, all of our play time, every huge fight that was "the final fight", and yet we always bounced back... What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! How could you just go and leave me like that? You know we had too many plans! There was too much left to do, too much we didn't say, or laugh about... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I need you. I love you. I miss you so much I feel like I might break. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, you are somewhere wonderful where you are happy, and can eat all the onions you want, because I know how much you love onions. And old, rotting chicken. I love you.
Patsy.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Attention, attention, may I have all your eyes and ears?
Ear Candy: "Attention" by The Academy Is...
Ok, so can I just say how much I hate pretentious people? I am sitting in the Cafe Noir, this adorable little coffee shop in downtown Monterey that makes the best cup of coffee I have ever had... And I am sitting upstairs working on my Spanish homework and pretending I am not eavesdropping on the pompous upper division students working on some assignment for their Global Studies class. I hate them. I don't even know them, but after a hakf hour of listening to their pretentious, mind-numbing "look how aware and enlightened I am, and how much I know about current issues regardless of how whether or not what I am talking about is related" psychobable. There is a blonde girl whose pants are too short and who is wear ugly sneakers and keeps attacking everyone else and blabbering on about dictatorships and diamond smuggling in Zimbabwe, and how Africa doesn't value human life. Apparently, she has a better understanding of the UN and how the UN should handle everything than anyone who works there... There is a loud, curl haired guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a while and who talks and talks and talks like he understand all the secret innerworkings of all the world's governments, and how could we be so simple minded as to not understand all of the possible aspects that go into Swiss bank accounts and money laundering. And then there is a quiet Russian guy who gets interrupted a lot and talked down to by the other two.
People like that drive me crazy... And you all know what kind of people I am talking about... The ones who are (start reading with a snobby voice here) oh so enlightened and politically aware, the young, hip, college student who knows so much more than the rest of the world because they took introduction to contemporary politics. (/snobby voice) They are convinced that they are on a higher plane of thinking from the rest of the world. The ones who debate useless philosophers and have conversations that are nothing but name dropping and inflated bullshit. The same individuals that feel the need to write unprovocated political commentaries padded with ostentatiously huge words that serve no purpose beyond making those reading it feel stupid. Who read things like Bukowski just so they can say they have read it... Those who have themselves pinned as modern-day beat generation enlightened idealists. People who bump the table and spill my latte all over the leg of my last pair of clean jeans, and then look at me with the most condescending look they can muster, as if to say, "how dare you be such an idiot as to assume it would be a good idea to put your coffee onto a coffeetable!" People like that make me crazy!
If you have abandoned the potential theory that your shit doesn't smell, I love you. (If you haven't, trust me. IT DOES.)
~E
Ok, so can I just say how much I hate pretentious people? I am sitting in the Cafe Noir, this adorable little coffee shop in downtown Monterey that makes the best cup of coffee I have ever had... And I am sitting upstairs working on my Spanish homework and pretending I am not eavesdropping on the pompous upper division students working on some assignment for their Global Studies class. I hate them. I don't even know them, but after a hakf hour of listening to their pretentious, mind-numbing "look how aware and enlightened I am, and how much I know about current issues regardless of how whether or not what I am talking about is related" psychobable. There is a blonde girl whose pants are too short and who is wear ugly sneakers and keeps attacking everyone else and blabbering on about dictatorships and diamond smuggling in Zimbabwe, and how Africa doesn't value human life. Apparently, she has a better understanding of the UN and how the UN should handle everything than anyone who works there... There is a loud, curl haired guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a while and who talks and talks and talks like he understand all the secret innerworkings of all the world's governments, and how could we be so simple minded as to not understand all of the possible aspects that go into Swiss bank accounts and money laundering. And then there is a quiet Russian guy who gets interrupted a lot and talked down to by the other two.
People like that drive me crazy... And you all know what kind of people I am talking about... The ones who are (start reading with a snobby voice here) oh so enlightened and politically aware, the young, hip, college student who knows so much more than the rest of the world because they took introduction to contemporary politics. (/snobby voice) They are convinced that they are on a higher plane of thinking from the rest of the world. The ones who debate useless philosophers and have conversations that are nothing but name dropping and inflated bullshit. The same individuals that feel the need to write unprovocated political commentaries padded with ostentatiously huge words that serve no purpose beyond making those reading it feel stupid. Who read things like Bukowski just so they can say they have read it... Those who have themselves pinned as modern-day beat generation enlightened idealists. People who bump the table and spill my latte all over the leg of my last pair of clean jeans, and then look at me with the most condescending look they can muster, as if to say, "how dare you be such an idiot as to assume it would be a good idea to put your coffee onto a coffeetable!" People like that make me crazy!
If you have abandoned the potential theory that your shit doesn't smell, I love you. (If you haven't, trust me. IT DOES.)
~E
Saturday, September 16, 2006
And now state lines look like the Berlin Wall
Ear Candy: "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie
Ok, so usually this is my thought blog, but I found this really cool survey in Gingey's blog, and wanted to do it, so here it is...
1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus. For several reasons:
1. I am a broke college student.
2. The son of God probably has some spare cash lying around, as the Catholic church is racking it all in, supposedly for him... and
3. It's a cheap meal anyway, because we just ordered waters and he turned them into wine...
2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; who is it?
India Irene Devenchenzi (I have no idea where that one came from...)
3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Arkansas
4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you want to try?
Masturbate. Have sex. Pee my name in the snow. In that order.
5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Han Solo, because he's all strong and scruffy and he would kind of rough you up a little bit, but in a good way...
6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A my size barbie. I feel so cheated. I was under 3' for ever! There were plenty of opportunities, people!
7. Top three celebrities you want to do
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ryder Strong
3. Jared Leto
8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Overly greasy hair, an expensive drug habit that could potentially warrant him robbing me, he's married, or he has gross teeth/bad breath.
9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Silent Hill
10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
Wow, this is a long list... Feel free to fill in this one with your favorite "Erin is a dumbass" moment..
"Why would it matter if her name is Melita? That sign says "Militia Road..." (it doesn't...)
11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?
A High tech bean and cheese quesedilla with extra guac, mozarella sticks with marinara sauce, and a piece of cheesecake factory Lemon Raspberry Chessecake... And maybe a plate of their four cheese pasta... Can you tell I like cheese?
12. What's something that you've done that most people haven't?
I don't know... Screamed back at James Ryall when he screamed at me? Most people are too scared to yell back... But maybe that's why we're best friends...
12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Seen The Matrix. Any of them.
13. Before you die you want to go to...?
RUSSIA, Europe in general, Thailand, Australia, Brazil... the list goes on... I want to go everywhere.
14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
sing in a band, and learn to play the bass...
15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
I've always wanted a koala. maybe a kinkaju... they have big eyes like mine.
16. A drug you'll never try?
heroin, crack, coke, speed, meth... anything i forgot that involves a needle.
17. If you were an animal what would you be?
a kinkaju for the big eyes, or maybe a white bengal tiger... i think they are kind of majestic...
18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Blake. Or Kyle Surlow.
19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I love Greek mythology. LOVE IT.
20. First celebrity crush?
Third Grade: Leonardo DiCaprio... I first saw him on a Growing Pains rerun on the Disney Channel, and knew I was going to marry him... Maybe I should let him know?
21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A cross bow... I think that would be badass...
23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
bagels and fruit... and a coffee.
24. Favorite parody movie?
Shaun of the Dead
25. Worst way to die?
drowning
26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
in real life, my dad after his last bike acident. gnarly.
27. The worst injury you've ever had?
probably one of my broken noses...
28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
playing with Reefer, and hanging out with the fam.
29. Sport you hate the most?
nascar or wrestling
30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
new york, seattle, any where in colorado
31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
religions, cars
32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
ooh... that is hard. I don't think I have a favorite... Will Ferrel because he is funny, Jared Leto or Jake Gyllenhaal... And Jennifer Connely.
33. What's one word you absolutely detest?
moist
34. What makes an awesome party?
fun people, good drinks, good music, no drama
35. What's your material obsession?
designer jeans, SHOES, expensive make up...
36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
"you're a handful"
37. Favorite kind of dog?
chiot! a cocker-poodle...
38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
garlic fries or chocolate covered frozen cheesecake...
39. Morning or night person?
night
40. Worst drunken habit?
being loud, being too friendly
41. Weirdest eBay purchase?
i've never bought anything on eBay
42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
french fries, reese's fast breaks, annie's mac and cheese
43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
if i am at school, cleaning up the beer cans in my room from the lovely kait. if i am at home, either sleeping or with the boy.
44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
claire, steffie (i miss you!), james (!!!), rosie, boyfriend, jess (i miss you too!), devin and ben and spike and lilli, hanny
45. Worst job you've ever had?
high tech had its ups and downs...
46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
lots of things... mostly my nose?
47. Favorite cereal?
OHS! honey nut cheerios, frosted flakes, puffins...
48. Book you could read repeatedly?
harry potters, the perks of being a wallflower, the electric kool-aid acid test, pride and predjudice
49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
i am really not sure... i've done some pretty mean things... not a great feeling.
50. Tell an interesting story about the last person to fill this out.
steffie is just fun... probably my favorite erin and steffie moment was when we were driving up to tahoe, and we made road friends (and nemesis!) and the traffic was so bad on 280 that we put the car in park and had a techno dance party in the car on the freeway...
If you love pointless surveys, I love you.
~E
Ok, so usually this is my thought blog, but I found this really cool survey in Gingey's blog, and wanted to do it, so here it is...
1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus. For several reasons:
1. I am a broke college student.
2. The son of God probably has some spare cash lying around, as the Catholic church is racking it all in, supposedly for him... and
3. It's a cheap meal anyway, because we just ordered waters and he turned them into wine...
2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; who is it?
India Irene Devenchenzi (I have no idea where that one came from...)
3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Arkansas
4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you want to try?
Masturbate. Have sex. Pee my name in the snow. In that order.
5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Han Solo, because he's all strong and scruffy and he would kind of rough you up a little bit, but in a good way...
6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A my size barbie. I feel so cheated. I was under 3' for ever! There were plenty of opportunities, people!
7. Top three celebrities you want to do
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ryder Strong
3. Jared Leto
8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Overly greasy hair, an expensive drug habit that could potentially warrant him robbing me, he's married, or he has gross teeth/bad breath.
9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Silent Hill
10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
Wow, this is a long list... Feel free to fill in this one with your favorite "Erin is a dumbass" moment..
"Why would it matter if her name is Melita? That sign says "Militia Road..." (it doesn't...)
11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?
A High tech bean and cheese quesedilla with extra guac, mozarella sticks with marinara sauce, and a piece of cheesecake factory Lemon Raspberry Chessecake... And maybe a plate of their four cheese pasta... Can you tell I like cheese?
12. What's something that you've done that most people haven't?
I don't know... Screamed back at James Ryall when he screamed at me? Most people are too scared to yell back... But maybe that's why we're best friends...
12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Seen The Matrix. Any of them.
13. Before you die you want to go to...?
RUSSIA, Europe in general, Thailand, Australia, Brazil... the list goes on... I want to go everywhere.
14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
sing in a band, and learn to play the bass...
15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
I've always wanted a koala. maybe a kinkaju... they have big eyes like mine.
16. A drug you'll never try?
heroin, crack, coke, speed, meth... anything i forgot that involves a needle.
17. If you were an animal what would you be?
a kinkaju for the big eyes, or maybe a white bengal tiger... i think they are kind of majestic...
18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Blake. Or Kyle Surlow.
19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I love Greek mythology. LOVE IT.
20. First celebrity crush?
Third Grade: Leonardo DiCaprio... I first saw him on a Growing Pains rerun on the Disney Channel, and knew I was going to marry him... Maybe I should let him know?
21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A cross bow... I think that would be badass...
23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
bagels and fruit... and a coffee.
24. Favorite parody movie?
Shaun of the Dead
25. Worst way to die?
drowning
26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
in real life, my dad after his last bike acident. gnarly.
27. The worst injury you've ever had?
probably one of my broken noses...
28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
playing with Reefer, and hanging out with the fam.
29. Sport you hate the most?
nascar or wrestling
30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
new york, seattle, any where in colorado
31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
religions, cars
32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
ooh... that is hard. I don't think I have a favorite... Will Ferrel because he is funny, Jared Leto or Jake Gyllenhaal... And Jennifer Connely.
33. What's one word you absolutely detest?
moist
34. What makes an awesome party?
fun people, good drinks, good music, no drama
35. What's your material obsession?
designer jeans, SHOES, expensive make up...
36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
"you're a handful"
37. Favorite kind of dog?
chiot! a cocker-poodle...
38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
garlic fries or chocolate covered frozen cheesecake...
39. Morning or night person?
night
40. Worst drunken habit?
being loud, being too friendly
41. Weirdest eBay purchase?
i've never bought anything on eBay
42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
french fries, reese's fast breaks, annie's mac and cheese
43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
if i am at school, cleaning up the beer cans in my room from the lovely kait. if i am at home, either sleeping or with the boy.
44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
claire, steffie (i miss you!), james (!!!), rosie, boyfriend, jess (i miss you too!), devin and ben and spike and lilli, hanny
45. Worst job you've ever had?
high tech had its ups and downs...
46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
lots of things... mostly my nose?
47. Favorite cereal?
OHS! honey nut cheerios, frosted flakes, puffins...
48. Book you could read repeatedly?
harry potters, the perks of being a wallflower, the electric kool-aid acid test, pride and predjudice
49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
i am really not sure... i've done some pretty mean things... not a great feeling.
50. Tell an interesting story about the last person to fill this out.
steffie is just fun... probably my favorite erin and steffie moment was when we were driving up to tahoe, and we made road friends (and nemesis!) and the traffic was so bad on 280 that we put the car in park and had a techno dance party in the car on the freeway...
If you love pointless surveys, I love you.
~E
Friday, September 15, 2006
Isn't this exactly where you want me?
Ear Candy: "But It's Better When We Do" by Panic! at the Disco (so sue me, I love them...)
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I used to live alone before I knew you.
Ear Candy: "Hallelujah" by Imogen Heap
A fair warning: This is perhaps even more crazy, off-beat, nonsensical, and cryptic than everything else I write, so make sure you have your thinking pants (as opposed to the coveted drinking pants...) on.
And away we go.
My life is a paradox. I find myself in a very peculiar spot right now, where in a time that I am finally finding myself in a place that I can call home, surrounded by people who love me, I have never felt more alone. I can't help but fear that the people around me will see that I am pretending, that I am not cool or funny, or pretty, or fun, and that they will see me and grow tired of me and leave. People are always leaving me, especially when perhaps I need them the most? I like to think of myself as a strong person (which after that last sentence sounds ludacris, I am sure...) but I think that I (and perhaps everyone else?) assume that being a strong person means never having a moment of weakness. I have always been the strong one, who doesn't cry, who everyone else can lean on, and who carries others when they can't walk. So when I need to fall, why do I beat myself up? For being human? For having a momentary moment of weakness? I feel like an idiot when I get upset.
I am a complex set of crazy contradictions; I am so confident, and I love myself, but I am always scared the no one else will, and I will be left alone. I am terrified of being alone, but that is when all my best thoughts come out. (Is that then a fear of myself, and knowing what I really think?) I hate people who fish for compliments, but I love getting them. I like to think that I am pretty, but in reality, I think I am weird looking, and that you could do much better. I think I'm amazing, but I always doubt that anyone else will. This blog stands as a reminder that I am that ridiculous teenage girl who is wracked with doubt and insecurity, the same girl that when I see her, I wonder why she can't see herself as wonderful as we do? I pride myself on knowing who I am, but I am constantly changing, so how can I know myself? And if I can't even figure me out some days, how can I ever expect anyone else to venture into the jungle I call my thoughts and expect them to make it out alive? I hate people with big egos, but I hold my self in high esteems most of the time.
This blog is a contradiction! It is purely emo, but I am a [mostly] happy person! Althpugh I suppose I can attribute that to the fact that I only write when I have something to say, and nothing breeds words quite like discontent and pain. I have never been speechless from misery, although have often found myself speechless with joy. I always mean to sit down to write what I think, but sadly, the thoughts tend to run away from me before the computer can trap me, and I am never as eloquent as I like to think I am.
If you have such a big heart and a sweet smile, andso much charm and strength, what makes me worth your time? Who is the adventure? And why do I always asume that the adventure can only be one half? That one is the adventure and the other is the British man in a safari hat (preferrably with a monacle on his eye) trying to make sense of the whole thing? Maybe we are all our own jungle.
I love to think of myself as an adventure. I hate to disappoint. I love to love, and snuggle, and giggle, and be crazy, and be near people I love, and to have them know I love them. I love kisses (even the ones that get me written up, hahaha...) I love my family, even if they are crazy. I love myself, even if I am crazy. I love my friends, especially because they are crazy. I love the people that take the time to read the nonsensical ramblings that I put into writing. And I always appriciate the people who take the time to try to make me make sense, I know that it is not an easy task...
If you love adventures, I love you.
~E
A fair warning: This is perhaps even more crazy, off-beat, nonsensical, and cryptic than everything else I write, so make sure you have your thinking pants (as opposed to the coveted drinking pants...) on.
And away we go.
My life is a paradox. I find myself in a very peculiar spot right now, where in a time that I am finally finding myself in a place that I can call home, surrounded by people who love me, I have never felt more alone. I can't help but fear that the people around me will see that I am pretending, that I am not cool or funny, or pretty, or fun, and that they will see me and grow tired of me and leave. People are always leaving me, especially when perhaps I need them the most? I like to think of myself as a strong person (which after that last sentence sounds ludacris, I am sure...) but I think that I (and perhaps everyone else?) assume that being a strong person means never having a moment of weakness. I have always been the strong one, who doesn't cry, who everyone else can lean on, and who carries others when they can't walk. So when I need to fall, why do I beat myself up? For being human? For having a momentary moment of weakness? I feel like an idiot when I get upset.
I am a complex set of crazy contradictions; I am so confident, and I love myself, but I am always scared the no one else will, and I will be left alone. I am terrified of being alone, but that is when all my best thoughts come out. (Is that then a fear of myself, and knowing what I really think?) I hate people who fish for compliments, but I love getting them. I like to think that I am pretty, but in reality, I think I am weird looking, and that you could do much better. I think I'm amazing, but I always doubt that anyone else will. This blog stands as a reminder that I am that ridiculous teenage girl who is wracked with doubt and insecurity, the same girl that when I see her, I wonder why she can't see herself as wonderful as we do? I pride myself on knowing who I am, but I am constantly changing, so how can I know myself? And if I can't even figure me out some days, how can I ever expect anyone else to venture into the jungle I call my thoughts and expect them to make it out alive? I hate people with big egos, but I hold my self in high esteems most of the time.
This blog is a contradiction! It is purely emo, but I am a [mostly] happy person! Althpugh I suppose I can attribute that to the fact that I only write when I have something to say, and nothing breeds words quite like discontent and pain. I have never been speechless from misery, although have often found myself speechless with joy. I always mean to sit down to write what I think, but sadly, the thoughts tend to run away from me before the computer can trap me, and I am never as eloquent as I like to think I am.
If you have such a big heart and a sweet smile, andso much charm and strength, what makes me worth your time? Who is the adventure? And why do I always asume that the adventure can only be one half? That one is the adventure and the other is the British man in a safari hat (preferrably with a monacle on his eye) trying to make sense of the whole thing? Maybe we are all our own jungle.
I love to think of myself as an adventure. I hate to disappoint. I love to love, and snuggle, and giggle, and be crazy, and be near people I love, and to have them know I love them. I love kisses (even the ones that get me written up, hahaha...) I love my family, even if they are crazy. I love myself, even if I am crazy. I love my friends, especially because they are crazy. I love the people that take the time to read the nonsensical ramblings that I put into writing. And I always appriciate the people who take the time to try to make me make sense, I know that it is not an easy task...
If you love adventures, I love you.
~E
Saturday, June 10, 2006
the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet
Ear Candy: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap
Wow. This is really it. I was looking at a picture of me and Claire at graduation, which was sitting next to the evidence of a photobooth escapade of ours circa 8th grade, and one thing stuck out at me was how old we looked! Before the ceremony, I was twirling around Rosie's living room in my new dress and dancing around in a caffinated craze while James mocked me and played gameboy. We were babies, back at six with nothing to do by play and be happy. And then we put our robes on, and we were suddenly back into our real bodies, but we look damn good in red. And all I could think was how thrilled I was to have my best friends there with me.
Yesterday was the most surreal experience of my life. Processing out onto the field in all my red (after narrowly escaping a panic attack in the gym and adjusting the eye make up that was streaming down my face in nervous/excited tears) with everyone I had gone to school with was crazy. I could see all the people, but the only sound was the band. I couldn't hear the cheers. When I was in my seat before we had to sing, I was shaking, and I grabbed Lach's hand. He squeezed mine and held it, and that was all that grounded me. We sang, and I loved being up there with seven people who have been seven of my favorite people and closest friends from day one. When we got nervous, or scared, Lach and I would grab hands and reassure each other. I could feel the love and the friendship, and knew we were all connected. Watching my classmates cross that stage was crazy unreal. I could hear the crowd, some people getting lots of cheers, some none at all, and I wondered what reaction I would be met with. But when I got up there, as I was grinning like a damn fool and Auntie Shannon was in no way subtly taking pictures, the last sound I heard was my name. There was no sound, only me in the sunlight. It was like a movie, I swear. That was so amazing, but I can't believe it's real.
Aren't I too young to be doing this? To be graduating? Growing up and moving away? I won't think of that now. New school, new people, new friends, (new shoes!!!), old Erin? Everything is changing, the world is still spinning, and I am sitting still. Not still in the way that I am never moving forward, because I am too much to not. But sitting still in the way that I am content to just watch the worl for now. I am waiting for a "Dare to be Great" situation.
As we all go on, and become the great people that we already so much are, I can only hope that everything that has happened will not be lost entirely. But if that is the case, than all I can say is that it has been amazing. But I know that the people who mean the most to me, and the friends whom I hold closest will not be lost, because I simply love them too much to let them go. So I guess that we will stad together, arms linked, iPods on ready to kick some ass.
Congratulations to the Class of 2006. Way to kick some ass.
If you and I have our arms linked, I love you.
~E
Wow. This is really it. I was looking at a picture of me and Claire at graduation, which was sitting next to the evidence of a photobooth escapade of ours circa 8th grade, and one thing stuck out at me was how old we looked! Before the ceremony, I was twirling around Rosie's living room in my new dress and dancing around in a caffinated craze while James mocked me and played gameboy. We were babies, back at six with nothing to do by play and be happy. And then we put our robes on, and we were suddenly back into our real bodies, but we look damn good in red. And all I could think was how thrilled I was to have my best friends there with me.
Yesterday was the most surreal experience of my life. Processing out onto the field in all my red (after narrowly escaping a panic attack in the gym and adjusting the eye make up that was streaming down my face in nervous/excited tears) with everyone I had gone to school with was crazy. I could see all the people, but the only sound was the band. I couldn't hear the cheers. When I was in my seat before we had to sing, I was shaking, and I grabbed Lach's hand. He squeezed mine and held it, and that was all that grounded me. We sang, and I loved being up there with seven people who have been seven of my favorite people and closest friends from day one. When we got nervous, or scared, Lach and I would grab hands and reassure each other. I could feel the love and the friendship, and knew we were all connected. Watching my classmates cross that stage was crazy unreal. I could hear the crowd, some people getting lots of cheers, some none at all, and I wondered what reaction I would be met with. But when I got up there, as I was grinning like a damn fool and Auntie Shannon was in no way subtly taking pictures, the last sound I heard was my name. There was no sound, only me in the sunlight. It was like a movie, I swear. That was so amazing, but I can't believe it's real.
Aren't I too young to be doing this? To be graduating? Growing up and moving away? I won't think of that now. New school, new people, new friends, (new shoes!!!), old Erin? Everything is changing, the world is still spinning, and I am sitting still. Not still in the way that I am never moving forward, because I am too much to not. But sitting still in the way that I am content to just watch the worl for now. I am waiting for a "Dare to be Great" situation.
As we all go on, and become the great people that we already so much are, I can only hope that everything that has happened will not be lost entirely. But if that is the case, than all I can say is that it has been amazing. But I know that the people who mean the most to me, and the friends whom I hold closest will not be lost, because I simply love them too much to let them go. So I guess that we will stad together, arms linked, iPods on ready to kick some ass.
Congratulations to the Class of 2006. Way to kick some ass.
If you and I have our arms linked, I love you.
~E
Monday, June 05, 2006
And You Can Have This Heart To Break
Ear Candy: "So It Goes" by Billy Joel
"I have gilmpsed the future, and all I can say is... GO Back!"
My God, I wish I could. As I have reached the end of high school, I've been looking back at everything, and although there are things that I would do differently if I had a second chance, I don't regret anything. But all I want is more time. More time with the people I love, more time to get everything done. To go to the beach more, to hang out, to go to more parties... To tell him how I fell, how I've felt. But what good would any of it do? I can already feel us drifting apart, moving away from each other... And I can feel my heart aching.
I am scared. For the future, for jumping without you all as my parachute. All I have wanted my whole life is to grow up. And now that it is happening, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my head in your lap while you play with my hair. I want to watch the sun rise, and know that when we say oodbye, it isn't forever. That we won't come home strangers. I want to know that you know how much I love you, and I need to know that you love me too. I am so excited to have had my best friends with me for so long, but I am scared that in three months, I won't have them anymore.
I've been watching Cameron Crowe movies, and they make me nostalgic for something I've never experienced... Which adds to the nostalgia that I am feeling for everything. I want to hug you all with all my might and never let go. The kind of hug where i know our hearts/souls/whatever are hugging too. I miss feeling infinite. But we're all leaving, and growing up, and I can wish for no more than as we go, for you to know how much all of you have truly belssed my life. How wonderful knowing you has mademe, and how I would in no way be the person I am if I hadn't had all of you. And that I really do love you.
So to everyone who reads this, or knows me, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. And I mean that more than I have ever meant anything in my life.
I heard you singing this song, and I doubt you saw the true irony of the situation. The greatest irony is the line "you're the only one who knows", because I highly doubt you do.
If I've said it once... I love you.
~E
"And you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break..."
consider it broken.
"I have gilmpsed the future, and all I can say is... GO Back!"
My God, I wish I could. As I have reached the end of high school, I've been looking back at everything, and although there are things that I would do differently if I had a second chance, I don't regret anything. But all I want is more time. More time with the people I love, more time to get everything done. To go to the beach more, to hang out, to go to more parties... To tell him how I fell, how I've felt. But what good would any of it do? I can already feel us drifting apart, moving away from each other... And I can feel my heart aching.
I am scared. For the future, for jumping without you all as my parachute. All I have wanted my whole life is to grow up. And now that it is happening, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my head in your lap while you play with my hair. I want to watch the sun rise, and know that when we say oodbye, it isn't forever. That we won't come home strangers. I want to know that you know how much I love you, and I need to know that you love me too. I am so excited to have had my best friends with me for so long, but I am scared that in three months, I won't have them anymore.
I've been watching Cameron Crowe movies, and they make me nostalgic for something I've never experienced... Which adds to the nostalgia that I am feeling for everything. I want to hug you all with all my might and never let go. The kind of hug where i know our hearts/souls/whatever are hugging too. I miss feeling infinite. But we're all leaving, and growing up, and I can wish for no more than as we go, for you to know how much all of you have truly belssed my life. How wonderful knowing you has mademe, and how I would in no way be the person I am if I hadn't had all of you. And that I really do love you.
So to everyone who reads this, or knows me, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. And I mean that more than I have ever meant anything in my life.
I heard you singing this song, and I doubt you saw the true irony of the situation. The greatest irony is the line "you're the only one who knows", because I highly doubt you do.
If I've said it once... I love you.
~E
"And you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break..."
consider it broken.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
But I've stayed up with you all night...
Ear Candy: "How To Save a Life" by The Fray
In my life lately, I have been facing a liot of things that are really hard. And I am not going to get into them, because I am working through it. But most of all, I am being confronted with life, and how short and fragile it can be. And I feel like I don't say enough how much I absolutely love all of you. I am not sure exactly who reads this, but if you take the time to see what I have to say, I mean you. If you are in my life, I mean you. I am ok, I wasn't for the longest time, but I am, and as cliche and cheesy as all this may sound tomorrow morning, it is because you guys were there for me and picked me up when I needed it. I can only hope that you know that I will always do the same for you. I am not sure what brought this all on, end of the year? This song is not helping, because it so much applies to my life, and it is making me think, but in a good way. Where did this all come from? Graduating? Tonight's difficult to watch episode of my guilty pleasure show, One Tree Hill? Perhaps.
But however you cut it, I needed you all to know that whatever the future holds, you are all amazing, and I am so incredibly lucky to have you, to hold you, and to be given the opportunity to love you.
And I really do. I love you.
~E
In my life lately, I have been facing a liot of things that are really hard. And I am not going to get into them, because I am working through it. But most of all, I am being confronted with life, and how short and fragile it can be. And I feel like I don't say enough how much I absolutely love all of you. I am not sure exactly who reads this, but if you take the time to see what I have to say, I mean you. If you are in my life, I mean you. I am ok, I wasn't for the longest time, but I am, and as cliche and cheesy as all this may sound tomorrow morning, it is because you guys were there for me and picked me up when I needed it. I can only hope that you know that I will always do the same for you. I am not sure what brought this all on, end of the year? This song is not helping, because it so much applies to my life, and it is making me think, but in a good way. Where did this all come from? Graduating? Tonight's difficult to watch episode of my guilty pleasure show, One Tree Hill? Perhaps.
But however you cut it, I needed you all to know that whatever the future holds, you are all amazing, and I am so incredibly lucky to have you, to hold you, and to be given the opportunity to love you.
And I really do. I love you.
~E
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
But not a real green dress...
Ear Candy: "Close Your Eyes" by The Chemical Brothers
So I am excited, because I just sent in my Enrollment Confirmation and housing app and whatnot to Monterey, so they know I'm coming in the fall. Yay.
I'm tired, but I'm sure you could tell that by my lack-luster appearance and the bags that sit just under my eyes, impervious to cold sppons, tea bags, cucumbers, concealer, and pleading. I am a ghost, floating through my life, going through the motions, nothing clicking or connecting. If I stood next to "Sad Life Joe", he would look like a damn Care Bear (if Care Bears had stab wounds.) Things are getting bad. I am slipping and I can't get my grip. I'm scared of not getting back on track. I don't know what I want, only what I don't want, and how does that help me?
I have just realized now that I think better when I listen to RENT (which I am not listening to.) Best Buy is selling collectible versions of the soundtrack, where each case features the face of one of the characters. These are geared towards RENT-Head chumps like me. ANd sadly, I weant them. And a new camera. And new jeans. Want want want. Things things things. Are these things supposed to make me happy? Economics is depressing, because someone always has to pay. Sometimes in that class, I am overcome with a horrible thought that people might love each other more if we were all made out of money, but I think for me, I need a warm body. That's worth more to me than the entire collectible RENT series, hands down.
So I am excited, because I just sent in my Enrollment Confirmation and housing app and whatnot to Monterey, so they know I'm coming in the fall. Yay.
I'm tired, but I'm sure you could tell that by my lack-luster appearance and the bags that sit just under my eyes, impervious to cold sppons, tea bags, cucumbers, concealer, and pleading. I am a ghost, floating through my life, going through the motions, nothing clicking or connecting. If I stood next to "Sad Life Joe", he would look like a damn Care Bear (if Care Bears had stab wounds.) Things are getting bad. I am slipping and I can't get my grip. I'm scared of not getting back on track. I don't know what I want, only what I don't want, and how does that help me?
I have just realized now that I think better when I listen to RENT (which I am not listening to.) Best Buy is selling collectible versions of the soundtrack, where each case features the face of one of the characters. These are geared towards RENT-Head chumps like me. ANd sadly, I weant them. And a new camera. And new jeans. Want want want. Things things things. Are these things supposed to make me happy? Economics is depressing, because someone always has to pay. Sometimes in that class, I am overcome with a horrible thought that people might love each other more if we were all made out of money, but I think for me, I need a warm body. That's worth more to me than the entire collectible RENT series, hands down.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I'll never forget what I've lost...
Ear Candy: The Chemical Brothers
I haven't updated in a while, I know... I suck! There are so many times that I have sat down to impose my thoughts on you, and when it came down to it, the words wouldn't come. I have been a shell, an empty person who can talk and walk and function, oh how life like. But when it comes down to it, I am a shell of who I am capable of being. I touch the fire just to feel the burn, just to feel anything. It's cold.
Sheri died. I couldn't cry, but something inside of my broke. I kept thinking back to Lorelei and Scott, back to my friend Maddie who died in an accident when I was nine. Faces layered over faces, all retreating back where I can't follow. Oh, how emo am I? Fuck that. There is so much to be living for right now, there always is, so why am I dwelling? On Saturday, I was dressed for the memorial at three. At three fifty, I couldn't get in the car and go. I went upstairs and put on my Oxford shirt and jeans, and went for a very long hike in Annadel while eating strawberries. I sat on a bench and just thought, about her, about life, everything and everyone. I cried, but I was smiling. I felt connected to everything, and I liked that feeling. That night I hung out with Steffie, and it was really nice to go sit at Borders and eat truffles. I think I liked the feeling of the past's better memories not being all too far away. The exception was that I had much better hair this time around.
I dont't think I tell the people I love that I love them enough. I hope they know. I can't handle losing anyone else. I hate funerals. Sitting around crying about death seems so horrible to me, because we can't change it, and I don't like feeling helpless. Sitting around crying just makes me feel bad, I would rather remember them as they were. I can't look tragedy in the face anymore.
I am tired. I need a break, but it doesn not look as though one will be presenting itself in the near future. Weeks are so long, but there is never enough time to do all of the things that I need to do, not even close... And weekends, well those have never been long enough.
I am kind of rambling, not really saying anything, so I think that I am done for now... I wish I had found the words I wanted out.
If you have things figured out, I'm jealous, but I love you.
~E
I haven't updated in a while, I know... I suck! There are so many times that I have sat down to impose my thoughts on you, and when it came down to it, the words wouldn't come. I have been a shell, an empty person who can talk and walk and function, oh how life like. But when it comes down to it, I am a shell of who I am capable of being. I touch the fire just to feel the burn, just to feel anything. It's cold.
Sheri died. I couldn't cry, but something inside of my broke. I kept thinking back to Lorelei and Scott, back to my friend Maddie who died in an accident when I was nine. Faces layered over faces, all retreating back where I can't follow. Oh, how emo am I? Fuck that. There is so much to be living for right now, there always is, so why am I dwelling? On Saturday, I was dressed for the memorial at three. At three fifty, I couldn't get in the car and go. I went upstairs and put on my Oxford shirt and jeans, and went for a very long hike in Annadel while eating strawberries. I sat on a bench and just thought, about her, about life, everything and everyone. I cried, but I was smiling. I felt connected to everything, and I liked that feeling. That night I hung out with Steffie, and it was really nice to go sit at Borders and eat truffles. I think I liked the feeling of the past's better memories not being all too far away. The exception was that I had much better hair this time around.
I dont't think I tell the people I love that I love them enough. I hope they know. I can't handle losing anyone else. I hate funerals. Sitting around crying about death seems so horrible to me, because we can't change it, and I don't like feeling helpless. Sitting around crying just makes me feel bad, I would rather remember them as they were. I can't look tragedy in the face anymore.
I am tired. I need a break, but it doesn not look as though one will be presenting itself in the near future. Weeks are so long, but there is never enough time to do all of the things that I need to do, not even close... And weekends, well those have never been long enough.
I am kind of rambling, not really saying anything, so I think that I am done for now... I wish I had found the words I wanted out.
If you have things figured out, I'm jealous, but I love you.
~E
Sunday, February 05, 2006
It's better to have loved...
Ear Candy: "It's better to have" by Temposhark
I wrote this after Jello's party, and never got around to posting it...
... all the children picked them.
I went home and cried tonight. I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I feel like I/ we have lost all of our innocence. We spent our childhoods pretending to be grown ups, and then we grew up too fast. Is this what we wanted? Like things aren't working out how we planned. Things are wrong, we're so jaded... There's drugs and booze and sex and we're living like rock stars without a second thought. Maybe without a first one either.
I hurt so deeply for him, because I know how hard it is to miss the family that we love so much.
I cried for her, because she is so mixed up, and turned around, and I want to help her, because I love her. But I don't know how.
I cry for the best friend I never see, who I feel like I am drifting from.
I hurt for the best friend I see every day, who I feel like I have lost.
I hurt for the one who takes a secret pleasure in the pain, because he is desperate to feel a connection. Or maybe because he loves the power.
... for the one I can't understand, but try so hard to.
... for the girl who loves everything and everyone so much. I hope so much that she is feeling it back.
... the girl who got lost, and i don't know how to find her.
... the one who needs to be better.
But most of all, I miss feeling like I mattered in people's lives, like it was important that I be there... I miss my friends. Even when I see them, I feel separate and awkward. Unwanted. Tonight I watched everyone drinking and partying and having fun. I laughed, and hugged and participated. Why did I leave feeling like the night was empty? I want to hug everyone, and kiss them on the forehead and drink fall spices with them and talk to them and fix everything. And make it good like when we were Lost in SanFranslation. We got lost in the damn Mission district and were smiling, why aren't we now?
... i hate parties.
If you remeber that you love me, i love you.
~E
I wrote this after Jello's party, and never got around to posting it...
... all the children picked them.
I went home and cried tonight. I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I feel like I/ we have lost all of our innocence. We spent our childhoods pretending to be grown ups, and then we grew up too fast. Is this what we wanted? Like things aren't working out how we planned. Things are wrong, we're so jaded... There's drugs and booze and sex and we're living like rock stars without a second thought. Maybe without a first one either.
I hurt so deeply for him, because I know how hard it is to miss the family that we love so much.
I cried for her, because she is so mixed up, and turned around, and I want to help her, because I love her. But I don't know how.
I cry for the best friend I never see, who I feel like I am drifting from.
I hurt for the best friend I see every day, who I feel like I have lost.
I hurt for the one who takes a secret pleasure in the pain, because he is desperate to feel a connection. Or maybe because he loves the power.
... for the one I can't understand, but try so hard to.
... for the girl who loves everything and everyone so much. I hope so much that she is feeling it back.
... the girl who got lost, and i don't know how to find her.
... the one who needs to be better.
But most of all, I miss feeling like I mattered in people's lives, like it was important that I be there... I miss my friends. Even when I see them, I feel separate and awkward. Unwanted. Tonight I watched everyone drinking and partying and having fun. I laughed, and hugged and participated. Why did I leave feeling like the night was empty? I want to hug everyone, and kiss them on the forehead and drink fall spices with them and talk to them and fix everything. And make it good like when we were Lost in SanFranslation. We got lost in the damn Mission district and were smiling, why aren't we now?
... i hate parties.
If you remeber that you love me, i love you.
~E
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
