Ear Candy: "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara
I have always known that I am not perfect. That there are things about me that I am not incredibly fond of. I know there are things I don't do well, things I could improve on. But it is not until these things are put in front of me in black and white, in the words of someone whose opinion matters most to me, that I have decided that there is something wrong with me that can no longer be ignored. I have often spent time re-evaluating myself and my personal character after conflicts with other people, and usually the conclusion I reach is that I kick ass and they can't handle it. However, the common denominator in all of these scenarios is me, and maybe there is something to be said for that. Plus, it feels different when the negative opinion is one that I actually care about. So, rather then completely giving up on myself, I have decided to put together a little MTV Made project for myself, only I am not going to put it on tv, because those people look sad.
To Do List:
- learn to take criticism better
- learn to listen to others better
- begin to conquer my fear of failure
- get over my fear of looking stupid in front of other people
- play my drums better (where other people can witness it)
- calm down
- do something new and exciting just for me once a week.
I think that this has the potential to be good. At the very least, it is something to get me out of bed.
e
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
you turned me into somebody loved
Ear Candy: "Somebody Loved" by The Weepies
last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.
i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.
and i still am.
last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.
i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.
and i still am.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
It's always prettier in Icelandic
Ear Candy: "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" by Sigor Ros
The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.
That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.
e
The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.
That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.
e
Sunday, November 16, 2008
so who's gonna watch you die?
Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.
i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.
...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.
i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.
Friday, October 31, 2008
please don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them
Ear Candy: "These Days" by Mates of State
i can't remember the last time my picture was taken. i have no recent pictures of me, and not really any pictures of me with my friends. what seems strange about this is that i am often at events where lots of pictures are taken, but never any of me. i am not even lurking in the background. the last picture of me that i remember having taken was when we were walking in to outside lands and spike and andy and ben all agreed that i looked like a dude in it. fabulous.
halloween: n. 1. a holiday that no matter how much hoping, optimism, and careful planning is put into it, it will always be a huge disappointment.
2. one of erin sweeney's top five least favorite days of the year, and 4th least favorite holiday (3rd if you, like me, don't consider Columbus Day to be a holiday.)
i was stupid this year and bought a costume thinking that my plans would work out the way i wanted them to. i always get such high hopes for Halloween, because in my head it is this really amazing, super fun day where me and all my friends dress up and go to parties and have an amazing time. what is strange is that that has NEVER happened. it is now looking like it will be a night of me sitting home pretending we might get trick or treaters. rosie and i might go see zach and miri make a porno tonight, which would be fun.
i am also extremely concerned that my blog is rapidly becoming repetitive and boring. i am working on being more interesting, although it isn't really panning out right now.
i just want to feel like i don't have to try SO HARD to be a part of something. and also, i am super tired of being bailed on. it gets old super fast.
whatever. time to go dress up as a person who gives a fuck about halloween!
erin
i can't remember the last time my picture was taken. i have no recent pictures of me, and not really any pictures of me with my friends. what seems strange about this is that i am often at events where lots of pictures are taken, but never any of me. i am not even lurking in the background. the last picture of me that i remember having taken was when we were walking in to outside lands and spike and andy and ben all agreed that i looked like a dude in it. fabulous.
halloween: n. 1. a holiday that no matter how much hoping, optimism, and careful planning is put into it, it will always be a huge disappointment.
2. one of erin sweeney's top five least favorite days of the year, and 4th least favorite holiday (3rd if you, like me, don't consider Columbus Day to be a holiday.)
i was stupid this year and bought a costume thinking that my plans would work out the way i wanted them to. i always get such high hopes for Halloween, because in my head it is this really amazing, super fun day where me and all my friends dress up and go to parties and have an amazing time. what is strange is that that has NEVER happened. it is now looking like it will be a night of me sitting home pretending we might get trick or treaters. rosie and i might go see zach and miri make a porno tonight, which would be fun.
i am also extremely concerned that my blog is rapidly becoming repetitive and boring. i am working on being more interesting, although it isn't really panning out right now.
i just want to feel like i don't have to try SO HARD to be a part of something. and also, i am super tired of being bailed on. it gets old super fast.
whatever. time to go dress up as a person who gives a fuck about halloween!
erin
Thursday, October 23, 2008
i need you so much closer
Ear Candy: "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie
i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.
in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.
i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?
i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.
i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?
no love this time, as there is none left for me.
~e
i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.
in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.
i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?
i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.
i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?
no love this time, as there is none left for me.
~e
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better...
Ear Candy: "Get Better" by Mates of State
I haven’t been very consistent with updating this thing.
I am not actually sure that anyone cares that I don’t update, or even read this, but whatever…
Basically, life has been really shitty lately. I feel like I am in a funk, and I am having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of it. I want to do better, to be better, but I don’t do anything to fix it, and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to fix things. And then I feel guilt and stress and more unhappiness because I am not doing as well as I should be. I am drowning in my school work, which takes up so much of my time. And when I am not doing school, I am working. I work all the time now. I like my job so much, and the people I work with are awesome, but it is very consuming. I am there every day.
I don’t see anyone anymore, and I am feeling really forgotten. Sometimes I am talking to Andy when other people call him to hang out. I don’t get calls anymore. I hear through the grapevine (read: blogs and Andy) about movies and A’romas visits and whatnot that no one even thinks to call me for. I know that I am busy with school a lot, and that I am not always free. But I feel really forgotten. I miss last fall, when there was a group of us who did stuff. There were dinners, and movie nights and basketball until 3 AM. I miss that. I don’t even know when people are playing shows anymore, and no one calls me when I am not at things. Or, worse, people go ahead without me on plans that I had been a part of. I am not important enough to be a part of plans I helped to create.
And on the rare occasion that I am included in things, and can’t go because I have a family obligation (Kerry just threw her back out and my dad isn’t fully healed from his surgery) or work, or school, I am left to feel guilty. Like I am a bad person for not being able to find enough hours in the day.
Our Halloween plans fell through. I am really disappointed. I was so excited about dressing up with everyone. I usually don’t know what I am going to be for Halloween, so not having to do it so last minute was nice. And the feeling of being included in this was my favorite part, because I don’t feel that way very often. I don’t play in anyone’s band, and I can’t draw, so I don’t make the shirts or the posters. I’m left out of everything. I just kind of hang on at the sides, but this was something I was a part of, and that felt really good. Like that one time Spike told me that if no one else could do it, he wanted me to sell his merch. But I now feel like I got ditched as soon as a better offer came along. Which is basically a culmination in itself of how I feel. Replaced. Forgotten. Unimportant. Like a last resort.
Also, my grandma died. She was my Aunt Shannon’s mom, so not my actual grandmother, but yeah, she was my grandma. We did holidays with her, I called her grandma, and it all happened so fast, which made it even worse. And, as always, every time someone dies, it piles on. It brings up every other person I loved who isn’t there anymore. We have officially entered funeral season, and it came earlier than I was prepared for.
I just feel like I am never going to do anything, or get anywhere, or matter.
And it fucking sucks.
(P.S. James: I am glad you like the shampoo/body wash/lotion.)
~E
I haven’t been very consistent with updating this thing.
I am not actually sure that anyone cares that I don’t update, or even read this, but whatever…
Basically, life has been really shitty lately. I feel like I am in a funk, and I am having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of it. I want to do better, to be better, but I don’t do anything to fix it, and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to fix things. And then I feel guilt and stress and more unhappiness because I am not doing as well as I should be. I am drowning in my school work, which takes up so much of my time. And when I am not doing school, I am working. I work all the time now. I like my job so much, and the people I work with are awesome, but it is very consuming. I am there every day.
I don’t see anyone anymore, and I am feeling really forgotten. Sometimes I am talking to Andy when other people call him to hang out. I don’t get calls anymore. I hear through the grapevine (read: blogs and Andy) about movies and A’romas visits and whatnot that no one even thinks to call me for. I know that I am busy with school a lot, and that I am not always free. But I feel really forgotten. I miss last fall, when there was a group of us who did stuff. There were dinners, and movie nights and basketball until 3 AM. I miss that. I don’t even know when people are playing shows anymore, and no one calls me when I am not at things. Or, worse, people go ahead without me on plans that I had been a part of. I am not important enough to be a part of plans I helped to create.
And on the rare occasion that I am included in things, and can’t go because I have a family obligation (Kerry just threw her back out and my dad isn’t fully healed from his surgery) or work, or school, I am left to feel guilty. Like I am a bad person for not being able to find enough hours in the day.
Our Halloween plans fell through. I am really disappointed. I was so excited about dressing up with everyone. I usually don’t know what I am going to be for Halloween, so not having to do it so last minute was nice. And the feeling of being included in this was my favorite part, because I don’t feel that way very often. I don’t play in anyone’s band, and I can’t draw, so I don’t make the shirts or the posters. I’m left out of everything. I just kind of hang on at the sides, but this was something I was a part of, and that felt really good. Like that one time Spike told me that if no one else could do it, he wanted me to sell his merch. But I now feel like I got ditched as soon as a better offer came along. Which is basically a culmination in itself of how I feel. Replaced. Forgotten. Unimportant. Like a last resort.
Also, my grandma died. She was my Aunt Shannon’s mom, so not my actual grandmother, but yeah, she was my grandma. We did holidays with her, I called her grandma, and it all happened so fast, which made it even worse. And, as always, every time someone dies, it piles on. It brings up every other person I loved who isn’t there anymore. We have officially entered funeral season, and it came earlier than I was prepared for.
I just feel like I am never going to do anything, or get anywhere, or matter.
And it fucking sucks.
(P.S. James: I am glad you like the shampoo/body wash/lotion.)
~E
Thursday, May 01, 2008
baby, you can drive my car
because i probably can't.
Ear Candy: "Drive My Car" by The Beatles
now i'm fucked.
erin got in too many car accidents. so the lovely california dmv is making her go down there and sit before a review board to determine whether or not she should be allowed to keep driving. they could suspend her license for up to five years. FABULOUS! the shit keeps piling up.
what are the chances that anyone would be willing to write erin a letter of reference saying she actually knows how to drive a car? it could be helpful in saving her license. she'd owe you big time.
thank you.
erin (and apparently the other person who speaks for her.)
Ear Candy: "Drive My Car" by The Beatles
now i'm fucked.
erin got in too many car accidents. so the lovely california dmv is making her go down there and sit before a review board to determine whether or not she should be allowed to keep driving. they could suspend her license for up to five years. FABULOUS! the shit keeps piling up.
what are the chances that anyone would be willing to write erin a letter of reference saying she actually knows how to drive a car? it could be helpful in saving her license. she'd owe you big time.
thank you.
erin (and apparently the other person who speaks for her.)
i drowned in mine
Ear Candy: "Run in the Front" by Dear and the Headlights
i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.
e
i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.
e
Saturday, March 01, 2008
i've got nothing to do today but smile
Ear Candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel
Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.
Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done
any takers?
if you love adventures, i love you.
~e
Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.
Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done
any takers?
if you love adventures, i love you.
~e
Friday, February 15, 2008
sleep on the floor and dream about me
Ear Candy: "Anthem for a 17-Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene
thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.
after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.
basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.
if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.
~E
thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.
after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.
basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.
if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.
~E
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
when everything's made to be broken...
worst christmas ever. well, second worst. i think the worst christmas ever was the one right after my mom died, when we were all trying to pretend like it was a normal, happy holiday when it was very, very clear that is was not at all. christmas is my favorite holiday. i love it even more than my birthday. i look forward to christmas all year. it is the one day when my whole family gets together, and we have so much fun, and there is good food and good company and everyone enjoying each other. i love it. at my house, christmas eve is really the main event. my dad's whole family (his parents, my uncle and his two daughters, his sister, his adopted brother) come over, as well as my mom's sister and her two kids, and my second mom and my three older half siblings. i love it. and the day always goes like this: at about 2, kathleen picks us up for the christmas mass at st. rose, and the six of us (kathleen and five kids) go to mass, and then look at christmas lights on the way to the house where dinner and festivities and some presents take place. this year, everything went wrong.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.
it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.
i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?
but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.
kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.
christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.
i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.
it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.
i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?
but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.
kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.
christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.
i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
where ever you're going, i'm going your way
Ear Candy: "Moon River" by Henri Mancini
i didn't write this, but i could have.
~e
i didn't write this, but i could have.
~e
Sunday, April 22, 2007
There the darling goes; it’s magnetics that are pulling her down.
Ear Candy: “Parachutes (Funeral Song)” by Mates of State
I am so incredibly tired of being told that “no one can make you unhappy without your consent.” I’m sure that that is just a lovely theory for a person who is in no way affected by the world around them. However, for me, it is different. The people around me have an incredible effect on my life, and right now, none of that is a positive effect. I have been pretty much miserable this past year, and although it would be unfair to say that none of that is on me, I do not think it is fair to say that it all is.
Things with my family haven’t really been very good for as long as I remember. My mom was always the care taker and my father was the bread winner, and they were both really good at what they did. So when my mom got sick, it was a huge strain on all of us. And my father, for the first time of many, paid someone else to deal with his problems. He paid therapists to talk to my sister and I so that he didn’t have to listen to us, he paid a chef so he didn’t have to cook, he paid a cleaning lady to come keep the house clean, he even paid other people to drive my sister and I around so he didn’t have to. He only cut back at work when it became apparent that my mom was going to die, and even then it was only to spend time with her, not to learn how to take care of us. When she did die, he took back on some of his work hours, and my sister started coming home to an empty house where no one was there to feed us, or help us with our homework, or even just show an interest in our day. Kerry and I both handled the death differently; I became the adult, and adopted maturity beyond what I was emotionally capable of, and suppressed all of my feelings because everyone said that I had to be strong for the family. Kerry regressed to a little girl, and attention was lavished onto her and she was coddled and protected from everything. My dad continued to pay other people to take care of us so that he could wallow in his own pain, apparently unaware that anyone other than him was affected by this death, or at least not to the magnitude that he was. However, that did not stop him from beginning to date two and a half months later. And ever since then, there has never really been that much unification amongst the members of my family. My father put exceptionally high standards in place for me academically, and expected me to be able to excel at everything that I did, although he was not around to help me, or to recognize how much emotional healing I had to do on top of my school work. So again, feelings were repressed and I was expected to do well, he pushed me to be better than everyone else, and only seemed to be proud of me, or even care about me when I did.
Everything in my house directly correlated to how high our grades were, and Kerry and I were constantly put into competition with each other. I was forced to go see a therapist that I didn’t like, both alone and with my dad, but Kerry was allowed to quit therapy when she wanted to because “she did well in school”. He went to more of her track meets than my swim meets because she was a better runner than I was swimmer. When he did come to my swim meets, his comments after my races were almost always solely about how I could have/should have done better. He never came to see the plays I worked on, and he left half way through the ones I was in. He even compares us as far as physical appearances go, often telling both of us how we need more exercise, or could stand to lose a few pounds, or aren’t in as good of shape as we could be. As a result of those talks, my sister, and especially me are always convinced that we aren’t as pretty as we should be, or as thin as we should be.
This pressure has instilled in me the thought that if I am not the best at whatever it is that I am doing, I shouldn’t be doing it, or that I shouldn’t be proud of the work that I did, and that it wasn’t good enough. If I am going to swim, I have to win, and I have to be the fastest. If I am going to dance, I have to be the best dancer there. He didn’t think he needed to go see the plays I was in because I wasn’t the lead. If I am taking a class, I had better get an A, and my test grade needed to be the top grade always. And if I was going to go to college, which wasn’t an option, I couldn’t go to the JC, I had to go to a “real college”, and I had to go to the best “real college” I could get into. So even though I knew I wasn’t ready to leave home, and that I didn’t want to go to a four year right away, I had to because it was expected of me. And as a result, I have been in a situation that I don’t like doing work I don’t enjoy.
I look at my sister, and myself, and I don’t think that I would be too proud of either of us, if I were the parent. I am an emotionally crippled perfectionist with a constant need to please everyone around me, and at the same time, a desperate need to feel like I am better than the people I am trying to please. I have to be the best at everything. I have to be the prettiest, the smartest, the fastest, whatever… I just need to feel like I am at really good at everything. I was taught never to be proud of work that could have been better, even if I worked as hard as I could on it. And I can’t get close to people, and trust them as much as I would like to because I know that in the end, there is only me, and that the other people don’t care about me as much as I need them to. I put to much pressure on the people around me to love me, because I don’t feel that I get the love I need at home, at least not if I am just me and not super Erin.
Kerry, on the other hand, is a mean, selfish, rude individual who thinks that the rest of the world exists to cater to her. She intimidates and manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants, and has no remorse about it. I have watched her belittle and boss around my uncles, her friends, my dad’s girl friend, even my dad. But none of that compares to her favorite target: me. She loves to tell me how much she hates me, and that I don’t live in our house, so I have no right to be there anymore. She tells me how she doesn’t like when I am around, and that if I move home next year as I am planning to do, she will make my life miserable, because I am ruining her life, specifically because she does not get spoiled as much if I am there. She insults me, and constantly berates me for no reason. Completely unprovoked, she will come in, and start insulting everything about me, from the food I am eating, or the TV show I am watching to the clothes I am wearing, and how I look in general. I am routinely called fat, or ugly, and told that I “look like hell”, or that my clothes are ugly, and my outfit “doesn’t work.” Her newest thing is to tell me that I am a failure because I want to come home and go to the JC. In a word, she is a monster.
Being constantly told that my house is not my house makes me feel like I don’t belong there and I constantly feel unwanted. Being told that I am a failure makes me feel bad about my decisions and myself in general. She makes me feel like the ugly, awkward, unpopular little girl I was freshman year. She makes me feel two inches tall. And, with very few exceptions, my father stands there like none of this is happening. Now, in his defense, he is usually to busy with is job, or his girlfriend, or his bike, or his friends to pay attention to his children. And when he comes home from a long day of work, or hanging out with his girlfriend, why should he have to deal with us? He ignores it when I leave the room in tears, or when she hits me for nothing, or any of the insults. But he is suddenly very alert if I respond, and he has no problem with hitting me if I hit her. His logic is that “no one hurts his daughters.” So then what does that make me?
I know that thinking about myself this way is wrong, and that letting them have this kind of effect on me is also not a great idea, but when this is the only way I know how to be, it isn’t so easy to change things. My dad’s family tells me that it is not my dad’s fault, that he works really hard, and can’t be expected to also have to come home and make dinner or whatever. (He doesn’t cook, and if we want food, we either have to make our own dinner, or get take out.) My dad’s newest plan is to hire yet another family counselor to “fix” our “family”. His excuse for how things are now is that it was hard when my mom died, and that it is hard to be a single parent. Now, I understand both of those points, but I don’t think that they are valid excuses for letting things get this bad. When it actually happened, I could see being overwhelmed with everything. But now it is five and a half years later, and his excuses are looking really thin. But he is continuing to look to other people to fix things for us, and to refuse to take responsibility for all of this, especially for Kerry’s behavior.
I don’t feel like a part of my family. I feel excluded and unwanted. After my dad pushed me out of the house with the excuse of college (which he was too busy to even take me to, because he wanted to go on a trip with his girl friend that they planned after they knew when I was leaving), he began to focus his efforts onto Kerry. He buys her whatever she wants, and lets her do pretty much anything, most likely in an attempt to keep her from turning out as disappointingly as I did. They have made a total of three trips to Hawaii with Kerry, where I have stayed home. The entire Sweeney family went on a white water rafting trip in Oregon, without me. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, and one of her lame friends recently went on a three day ski trip (in the middle of the week, which meant Kerry was allowed to miss school to go to the snow) without even telling me where they were, or that they were going anywhere, and my dad and sister are going to Germany without me this summer. Not only did they make their trips to Germany and Hawaii without including me, they did it without even telling me. They have frequently had diner with my dad’s girlfriend and her children, who also went on the trip to Hawaii. I, however, have never met her kids, even though they have been dating for almost two years, and have never even been invited to one of these dinners. And my father’s response to any of that is that it is my fault that I don’t feel like a part of the family. Sometimes I get the feeling that they would be happier if I wasn’t there. I would be one less hassle, one less thing to worry about. All I want is to feel like I matter to them, or like they at least made an effort to include me, or to care about me.
So now, I am almost 18, and I am supposed to be able to be an adult, and take care of myself, but I feel so broken, and unhappy and ill prepared that I can’t fathom me ever being able to take care of myself. But other than that, I am out of options, because my family sure as hell isn’t going to take care of me. I can’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy; everything has always just been a temporary distraction from how bad things really are, and how unhappy I really was.
All I really want is to be free. I want to have a day when my head and back don’t ache with stress, or a day when I cry for no reason. I want to feel wanted, and loved, like I belong wherever it is that I am. I don’t want to feel like a guest in my house, or a stranger in my family. And I don’t think that there is anyone I can pay to help me feel better. I think I am, once again, alone on this one.
~E
I am so incredibly tired of being told that “no one can make you unhappy without your consent.” I’m sure that that is just a lovely theory for a person who is in no way affected by the world around them. However, for me, it is different. The people around me have an incredible effect on my life, and right now, none of that is a positive effect. I have been pretty much miserable this past year, and although it would be unfair to say that none of that is on me, I do not think it is fair to say that it all is.
Things with my family haven’t really been very good for as long as I remember. My mom was always the care taker and my father was the bread winner, and they were both really good at what they did. So when my mom got sick, it was a huge strain on all of us. And my father, for the first time of many, paid someone else to deal with his problems. He paid therapists to talk to my sister and I so that he didn’t have to listen to us, he paid a chef so he didn’t have to cook, he paid a cleaning lady to come keep the house clean, he even paid other people to drive my sister and I around so he didn’t have to. He only cut back at work when it became apparent that my mom was going to die, and even then it was only to spend time with her, not to learn how to take care of us. When she did die, he took back on some of his work hours, and my sister started coming home to an empty house where no one was there to feed us, or help us with our homework, or even just show an interest in our day. Kerry and I both handled the death differently; I became the adult, and adopted maturity beyond what I was emotionally capable of, and suppressed all of my feelings because everyone said that I had to be strong for the family. Kerry regressed to a little girl, and attention was lavished onto her and she was coddled and protected from everything. My dad continued to pay other people to take care of us so that he could wallow in his own pain, apparently unaware that anyone other than him was affected by this death, or at least not to the magnitude that he was. However, that did not stop him from beginning to date two and a half months later. And ever since then, there has never really been that much unification amongst the members of my family. My father put exceptionally high standards in place for me academically, and expected me to be able to excel at everything that I did, although he was not around to help me, or to recognize how much emotional healing I had to do on top of my school work. So again, feelings were repressed and I was expected to do well, he pushed me to be better than everyone else, and only seemed to be proud of me, or even care about me when I did.
Everything in my house directly correlated to how high our grades were, and Kerry and I were constantly put into competition with each other. I was forced to go see a therapist that I didn’t like, both alone and with my dad, but Kerry was allowed to quit therapy when she wanted to because “she did well in school”. He went to more of her track meets than my swim meets because she was a better runner than I was swimmer. When he did come to my swim meets, his comments after my races were almost always solely about how I could have/should have done better. He never came to see the plays I worked on, and he left half way through the ones I was in. He even compares us as far as physical appearances go, often telling both of us how we need more exercise, or could stand to lose a few pounds, or aren’t in as good of shape as we could be. As a result of those talks, my sister, and especially me are always convinced that we aren’t as pretty as we should be, or as thin as we should be.
This pressure has instilled in me the thought that if I am not the best at whatever it is that I am doing, I shouldn’t be doing it, or that I shouldn’t be proud of the work that I did, and that it wasn’t good enough. If I am going to swim, I have to win, and I have to be the fastest. If I am going to dance, I have to be the best dancer there. He didn’t think he needed to go see the plays I was in because I wasn’t the lead. If I am taking a class, I had better get an A, and my test grade needed to be the top grade always. And if I was going to go to college, which wasn’t an option, I couldn’t go to the JC, I had to go to a “real college”, and I had to go to the best “real college” I could get into. So even though I knew I wasn’t ready to leave home, and that I didn’t want to go to a four year right away, I had to because it was expected of me. And as a result, I have been in a situation that I don’t like doing work I don’t enjoy.
I look at my sister, and myself, and I don’t think that I would be too proud of either of us, if I were the parent. I am an emotionally crippled perfectionist with a constant need to please everyone around me, and at the same time, a desperate need to feel like I am better than the people I am trying to please. I have to be the best at everything. I have to be the prettiest, the smartest, the fastest, whatever… I just need to feel like I am at really good at everything. I was taught never to be proud of work that could have been better, even if I worked as hard as I could on it. And I can’t get close to people, and trust them as much as I would like to because I know that in the end, there is only me, and that the other people don’t care about me as much as I need them to. I put to much pressure on the people around me to love me, because I don’t feel that I get the love I need at home, at least not if I am just me and not super Erin.
Kerry, on the other hand, is a mean, selfish, rude individual who thinks that the rest of the world exists to cater to her. She intimidates and manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants, and has no remorse about it. I have watched her belittle and boss around my uncles, her friends, my dad’s girl friend, even my dad. But none of that compares to her favorite target: me. She loves to tell me how much she hates me, and that I don’t live in our house, so I have no right to be there anymore. She tells me how she doesn’t like when I am around, and that if I move home next year as I am planning to do, she will make my life miserable, because I am ruining her life, specifically because she does not get spoiled as much if I am there. She insults me, and constantly berates me for no reason. Completely unprovoked, she will come in, and start insulting everything about me, from the food I am eating, or the TV show I am watching to the clothes I am wearing, and how I look in general. I am routinely called fat, or ugly, and told that I “look like hell”, or that my clothes are ugly, and my outfit “doesn’t work.” Her newest thing is to tell me that I am a failure because I want to come home and go to the JC. In a word, she is a monster.
Being constantly told that my house is not my house makes me feel like I don’t belong there and I constantly feel unwanted. Being told that I am a failure makes me feel bad about my decisions and myself in general. She makes me feel like the ugly, awkward, unpopular little girl I was freshman year. She makes me feel two inches tall. And, with very few exceptions, my father stands there like none of this is happening. Now, in his defense, he is usually to busy with is job, or his girlfriend, or his bike, or his friends to pay attention to his children. And when he comes home from a long day of work, or hanging out with his girlfriend, why should he have to deal with us? He ignores it when I leave the room in tears, or when she hits me for nothing, or any of the insults. But he is suddenly very alert if I respond, and he has no problem with hitting me if I hit her. His logic is that “no one hurts his daughters.” So then what does that make me?
I know that thinking about myself this way is wrong, and that letting them have this kind of effect on me is also not a great idea, but when this is the only way I know how to be, it isn’t so easy to change things. My dad’s family tells me that it is not my dad’s fault, that he works really hard, and can’t be expected to also have to come home and make dinner or whatever. (He doesn’t cook, and if we want food, we either have to make our own dinner, or get take out.) My dad’s newest plan is to hire yet another family counselor to “fix” our “family”. His excuse for how things are now is that it was hard when my mom died, and that it is hard to be a single parent. Now, I understand both of those points, but I don’t think that they are valid excuses for letting things get this bad. When it actually happened, I could see being overwhelmed with everything. But now it is five and a half years later, and his excuses are looking really thin. But he is continuing to look to other people to fix things for us, and to refuse to take responsibility for all of this, especially for Kerry’s behavior.
I don’t feel like a part of my family. I feel excluded and unwanted. After my dad pushed me out of the house with the excuse of college (which he was too busy to even take me to, because he wanted to go on a trip with his girl friend that they planned after they knew when I was leaving), he began to focus his efforts onto Kerry. He buys her whatever she wants, and lets her do pretty much anything, most likely in an attempt to keep her from turning out as disappointingly as I did. They have made a total of three trips to Hawaii with Kerry, where I have stayed home. The entire Sweeney family went on a white water rafting trip in Oregon, without me. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, and one of her lame friends recently went on a three day ski trip (in the middle of the week, which meant Kerry was allowed to miss school to go to the snow) without even telling me where they were, or that they were going anywhere, and my dad and sister are going to Germany without me this summer. Not only did they make their trips to Germany and Hawaii without including me, they did it without even telling me. They have frequently had diner with my dad’s girlfriend and her children, who also went on the trip to Hawaii. I, however, have never met her kids, even though they have been dating for almost two years, and have never even been invited to one of these dinners. And my father’s response to any of that is that it is my fault that I don’t feel like a part of the family. Sometimes I get the feeling that they would be happier if I wasn’t there. I would be one less hassle, one less thing to worry about. All I want is to feel like I matter to them, or like they at least made an effort to include me, or to care about me.
So now, I am almost 18, and I am supposed to be able to be an adult, and take care of myself, but I feel so broken, and unhappy and ill prepared that I can’t fathom me ever being able to take care of myself. But other than that, I am out of options, because my family sure as hell isn’t going to take care of me. I can’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy; everything has always just been a temporary distraction from how bad things really are, and how unhappy I really was.
All I really want is to be free. I want to have a day when my head and back don’t ache with stress, or a day when I cry for no reason. I want to feel wanted, and loved, like I belong wherever it is that I am. I don’t want to feel like a guest in my house, or a stranger in my family. And I don’t think that there is anyone I can pay to help me feel better. I think I am, once again, alone on this one.
~E
Monday, January 29, 2007
fill my empty room with the sun
Ear Candy: "Empty Room" by Marjorie Fair
I haven't updated this in quite a while, so I doubt anyone still reads this, but that is ok. It makes me sad that I don't update very much anymore, because I used to all the time, and I think it was good for me. But nevertheless, here I am now. I worry that this entry will turn into my own little pity party, although that is not my original intent, but I can see that the topics I plan to go into could go that route.
I feel like I am not a part of my family anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. When I am home in SR, I usually stay at Rosie's house, not at my own. And although it would appear that that is because my boyfriend lives at Rosie's, and while that is a definite bonus, it isn't my big reason. When I am gone, my sister's friends sleep in my bed. They go through my things, they wear my clothes, and my family uses it as storage. When I am home, my sister likes to remind me that it is not my house; that I don't live there anymore, while my dad stands by and says nothing. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised that he says nothing, as that is his usual stance when Kerry is being horrid. She says things to me that are more hurtful than I could ever explain. If the things she says are how she really feels, then it breaks my heart that my sister, who means more to me than I think she, or anyone else, really knows, thinks that lowly of me. And my dad pretends he can't hear it, but suddenly develops the hearing of a bat when I respond, and the arguement is ruled my fault and is ended. So he sides with her in arguements. That is nothing, I am sure you are thinking... Erin is being a big, silly over-reactor if that is the big problem. And generally, I would agree with you. Only that is just the tip of a big, mean, Leonardo DiCaprio killing ice berg.
More recently, my father purchased a brand new, shiny Honda Civic, which will be shared by me and my sister, who will both be liscenced drivers this summer. At the end of the summer, I might be able to take it to school, if it survives Kerry and her permit. (She already backed into the wall at the top of our driveway and jacked up the paint on the back, as well as added a lovely dent. It is less than two months old.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am way stoked about a car. It just sucks that Kerry gets a new one when I go to school, and I get the one she trashes. He and Kerry have also started this new thing where every Sunday they do something together, which in my dad's mind I'm sure was things like bike rides and hikes. In reality, it is more like Kerry gets majorly spoiled. Here is a recap:
- Sunday, January 21st (I'm still home at this point): Kerry and my dad go on a raid of the Coach outlet in Petaluma. Kerry comes home with a new bag, a pair of shoes (that should only be worn by tennis playing, fake blonde, martini drinking middle aged house wives who married CPAs with bad haircuts), and a pair of sunglasses that do not compliment her face shape. My dad got a belt that Kerry made him buy. He couldn't even tell the difference between the men's and women's belts. Erin got a phone call telling me to do the dishes and walk the dog.
- Saturday, January 27th: Kerry and my dad go to a nice lunch at some classy place in SF, then go to see a Golden State Warriors game where they have third row seats. They do not invite me, even though I am close enough to the game that they could have gotten me without going too far out of their way.
- Sunday, January 28th: Kerry is taken by my father to get her cartiledge pierced. Now, that probably does not seem like that big of a deal, only a little less than a year ago, my dad told me I couldn't have a piercing there because of the high rate of infection. WTF? Now, I know what you are thinking, "but Erin, you have a nose ring, so isn't that equal???" No. Because Kerry thinks my nose ring is dumb, and does not want one, where as I do want an upper ear piercing. Boo.
Now, I can guess what you are thinking here. "But Erin, you really just sound like a spoiled rich girl whose daddy is not buying her enough." Perhaps, but not really. Because while my dad was out buying Kerry her own island in the Carribean or whatever, he was forgetting to pay my tuition, so they cut off my meal plan for three days. And he was planning trips to Hawaii and Germany, both of which I am not only not invited on, but I wasn't even told about them initially.
The line up for Hawaii: My dad, his bull dog-resemblant girlfriend Liz, her two kids (who, after two years of dating, Kerry has met, but I haven't), Kerry, and Kerry's lame friend.
The line up for Germany: My dad, Kerry, and some friend of Kerry's.
Who is missing from those? THE OTHER DAUGHTER!!!!
Now, I am really not sad about the lack of things being bought for me, or the lack of vacations in my future. What is really hurting my feelings is the lack of inclusion in supposedly family activities. When did I stop being a part of the family? Was it when I left for school? Or when my grandparents forgot to get me Christmas presents? Or perhaps when random friend of my sister took my place at all the events. Whenever it was, I don't think that my family realizes how much it breaks my heart that I am not included. I feel like an orphan with a living family for the amount they check up on me. My dad never calls me, and when he calls me back, he usually calls me Kerry by mistake. Monterey is only three hours away at most, but I feel like I have dropped off the face of the earth, and it sucks big time. I don't want them to buy me stuff; love doesn't have to be a material thing, which is something my dad should understand, because that is how he thinks too! Maybe it is easier to please Kerry because she is more material than I am, and as a result sees my dad's love manifested in the purse/jeans/third world country he buys her. But for me, it is in the time when my dad and I go out to lunch, or to the music store, even if we buy nothing, or even when we just sit and talk. But that stuff takes more time, and it's harder to fit into one's busy schedule, so it becomes less important. And apparently, somewhere along the line, so did I.
If you remember to love me, know that I am remembering to love you back.
~E
I haven't updated this in quite a while, so I doubt anyone still reads this, but that is ok. It makes me sad that I don't update very much anymore, because I used to all the time, and I think it was good for me. But nevertheless, here I am now. I worry that this entry will turn into my own little pity party, although that is not my original intent, but I can see that the topics I plan to go into could go that route.
I feel like I am not a part of my family anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. When I am home in SR, I usually stay at Rosie's house, not at my own. And although it would appear that that is because my boyfriend lives at Rosie's, and while that is a definite bonus, it isn't my big reason. When I am gone, my sister's friends sleep in my bed. They go through my things, they wear my clothes, and my family uses it as storage. When I am home, my sister likes to remind me that it is not my house; that I don't live there anymore, while my dad stands by and says nothing. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised that he says nothing, as that is his usual stance when Kerry is being horrid. She says things to me that are more hurtful than I could ever explain. If the things she says are how she really feels, then it breaks my heart that my sister, who means more to me than I think she, or anyone else, really knows, thinks that lowly of me. And my dad pretends he can't hear it, but suddenly develops the hearing of a bat when I respond, and the arguement is ruled my fault and is ended. So he sides with her in arguements. That is nothing, I am sure you are thinking... Erin is being a big, silly over-reactor if that is the big problem. And generally, I would agree with you. Only that is just the tip of a big, mean, Leonardo DiCaprio killing ice berg.
More recently, my father purchased a brand new, shiny Honda Civic, which will be shared by me and my sister, who will both be liscenced drivers this summer. At the end of the summer, I might be able to take it to school, if it survives Kerry and her permit. (She already backed into the wall at the top of our driveway and jacked up the paint on the back, as well as added a lovely dent. It is less than two months old.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am way stoked about a car. It just sucks that Kerry gets a new one when I go to school, and I get the one she trashes. He and Kerry have also started this new thing where every Sunday they do something together, which in my dad's mind I'm sure was things like bike rides and hikes. In reality, it is more like Kerry gets majorly spoiled. Here is a recap:
- Sunday, January 21st (I'm still home at this point): Kerry and my dad go on a raid of the Coach outlet in Petaluma. Kerry comes home with a new bag, a pair of shoes (that should only be worn by tennis playing, fake blonde, martini drinking middle aged house wives who married CPAs with bad haircuts), and a pair of sunglasses that do not compliment her face shape. My dad got a belt that Kerry made him buy. He couldn't even tell the difference between the men's and women's belts. Erin got a phone call telling me to do the dishes and walk the dog.
- Saturday, January 27th: Kerry and my dad go to a nice lunch at some classy place in SF, then go to see a Golden State Warriors game where they have third row seats. They do not invite me, even though I am close enough to the game that they could have gotten me without going too far out of their way.
- Sunday, January 28th: Kerry is taken by my father to get her cartiledge pierced. Now, that probably does not seem like that big of a deal, only a little less than a year ago, my dad told me I couldn't have a piercing there because of the high rate of infection. WTF? Now, I know what you are thinking, "but Erin, you have a nose ring, so isn't that equal???" No. Because Kerry thinks my nose ring is dumb, and does not want one, where as I do want an upper ear piercing. Boo.
Now, I can guess what you are thinking here. "But Erin, you really just sound like a spoiled rich girl whose daddy is not buying her enough." Perhaps, but not really. Because while my dad was out buying Kerry her own island in the Carribean or whatever, he was forgetting to pay my tuition, so they cut off my meal plan for three days. And he was planning trips to Hawaii and Germany, both of which I am not only not invited on, but I wasn't even told about them initially.
The line up for Hawaii: My dad, his bull dog-resemblant girlfriend Liz, her two kids (who, after two years of dating, Kerry has met, but I haven't), Kerry, and Kerry's lame friend.
The line up for Germany: My dad, Kerry, and some friend of Kerry's.
Who is missing from those? THE OTHER DAUGHTER!!!!
Now, I am really not sad about the lack of things being bought for me, or the lack of vacations in my future. What is really hurting my feelings is the lack of inclusion in supposedly family activities. When did I stop being a part of the family? Was it when I left for school? Or when my grandparents forgot to get me Christmas presents? Or perhaps when random friend of my sister took my place at all the events. Whenever it was, I don't think that my family realizes how much it breaks my heart that I am not included. I feel like an orphan with a living family for the amount they check up on me. My dad never calls me, and when he calls me back, he usually calls me Kerry by mistake. Monterey is only three hours away at most, but I feel like I have dropped off the face of the earth, and it sucks big time. I don't want them to buy me stuff; love doesn't have to be a material thing, which is something my dad should understand, because that is how he thinks too! Maybe it is easier to please Kerry because she is more material than I am, and as a result sees my dad's love manifested in the purse/jeans/third world country he buys her. But for me, it is in the time when my dad and I go out to lunch, or to the music store, even if we buy nothing, or even when we just sit and talk. But that stuff takes more time, and it's harder to fit into one's busy schedule, so it becomes less important. And apparently, somewhere along the line, so did I.
If you remember to love me, know that I am remembering to love you back.
~E
Monday, December 11, 2006
So I would choose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make
Ear Candy: "So it Goes" by Billy Joel
I hate this. I keep looking at pictures of you, or I see something funny or that makes me think of you, and I want to call you, but I know you won't pick up. I just keep hoping... I called just to hear your voice. It's weird, I got used to the feeling of missing you. It's not like one day you just weren't there... You weren't there for months. And even though I had you on the phone, it wasn't the same... We had no play time, no snuggle parties, no car rides singing like crazies. And it seems weird to think we won't have any more... On my white board in my room, it says on December 23rd: "Cooper home! Patsy day!" I was going to go to the air port with your mama and pick you up. And stop for cheesecake or something on the way home. And sing along with musicals and the Beatles and laugh and be crazy, and winter break was going to be good because we would all be together again. Now we're going to be together, with a big gaping hole in the circle. I've been trying to ignore it. To pretend it's not happening. That I didn't bury you. But I hate it so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. Every instinct I am having is to call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't go out there for Thanksgiving. I probably could have afforded the ticket, but I wanted to stay here and see everyone. I should have gone. Then you wouldn;t have been in that car. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I threw a small fit because they left the onions on my food last night. I wanted you to be there so I could sneak them into your food. I don't know what to do...
I love you.
Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.
~E
I hate this. I keep looking at pictures of you, or I see something funny or that makes me think of you, and I want to call you, but I know you won't pick up. I just keep hoping... I called just to hear your voice. It's weird, I got used to the feeling of missing you. It's not like one day you just weren't there... You weren't there for months. And even though I had you on the phone, it wasn't the same... We had no play time, no snuggle parties, no car rides singing like crazies. And it seems weird to think we won't have any more... On my white board in my room, it says on December 23rd: "Cooper home! Patsy day!" I was going to go to the air port with your mama and pick you up. And stop for cheesecake or something on the way home. And sing along with musicals and the Beatles and laugh and be crazy, and winter break was going to be good because we would all be together again. Now we're going to be together, with a big gaping hole in the circle. I've been trying to ignore it. To pretend it's not happening. That I didn't bury you. But I hate it so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. Every instinct I am having is to call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't go out there for Thanksgiving. I probably could have afforded the ticket, but I wanted to stay here and see everyone. I should have gone. Then you wouldn;t have been in that car. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I threw a small fit because they left the onions on my food last night. I wanted you to be there so I could sneak them into your food. I don't know what to do...
I love you.
Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.
~E
Monday, November 27, 2006
And now state lines look like the Berlin Wall
Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
Dear Jessica,
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not beingh ere or picking up the phone when I frantically called you to make sure it wasn't true, confirming that it was. I hate you because I can't hate you, and I love you, and now I feel empty inside because you're not here. No one was ever a better or worse friend to me than you were. No one understood me like you. We practically had our own language! Our jokes, all of our play time, every huge fight that was "the final fight", and yet we always bounced back... What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! How could you just go and leave me like that? You know we had too many plans! There was too much left to do, too much we didn't say, or laugh about... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I need you. I love you. I miss you so much I feel like I might break. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, you are somewhere wonderful where you are happy, and can eat all the onions you want, because I know how much you love onions. And old, rotting chicken. I love you.
Patsy.
Dear Jessica,
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not beingh ere or picking up the phone when I frantically called you to make sure it wasn't true, confirming that it was. I hate you because I can't hate you, and I love you, and now I feel empty inside because you're not here. No one was ever a better or worse friend to me than you were. No one understood me like you. We practically had our own language! Our jokes, all of our play time, every huge fight that was "the final fight", and yet we always bounced back... What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! How could you just go and leave me like that? You know we had too many plans! There was too much left to do, too much we didn't say, or laugh about... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I need you. I love you. I miss you so much I feel like I might break. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, you are somewhere wonderful where you are happy, and can eat all the onions you want, because I know how much you love onions. And old, rotting chicken. I love you.
Patsy.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Attention, attention, may I have all your eyes and ears?
Ear Candy: "Attention" by The Academy Is...
Ok, so can I just say how much I hate pretentious people? I am sitting in the Cafe Noir, this adorable little coffee shop in downtown Monterey that makes the best cup of coffee I have ever had... And I am sitting upstairs working on my Spanish homework and pretending I am not eavesdropping on the pompous upper division students working on some assignment for their Global Studies class. I hate them. I don't even know them, but after a hakf hour of listening to their pretentious, mind-numbing "look how aware and enlightened I am, and how much I know about current issues regardless of how whether or not what I am talking about is related" psychobable. There is a blonde girl whose pants are too short and who is wear ugly sneakers and keeps attacking everyone else and blabbering on about dictatorships and diamond smuggling in Zimbabwe, and how Africa doesn't value human life. Apparently, she has a better understanding of the UN and how the UN should handle everything than anyone who works there... There is a loud, curl haired guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a while and who talks and talks and talks like he understand all the secret innerworkings of all the world's governments, and how could we be so simple minded as to not understand all of the possible aspects that go into Swiss bank accounts and money laundering. And then there is a quiet Russian guy who gets interrupted a lot and talked down to by the other two.
People like that drive me crazy... And you all know what kind of people I am talking about... The ones who are (start reading with a snobby voice here) oh so enlightened and politically aware, the young, hip, college student who knows so much more than the rest of the world because they took introduction to contemporary politics. (/snobby voice) They are convinced that they are on a higher plane of thinking from the rest of the world. The ones who debate useless philosophers and have conversations that are nothing but name dropping and inflated bullshit. The same individuals that feel the need to write unprovocated political commentaries padded with ostentatiously huge words that serve no purpose beyond making those reading it feel stupid. Who read things like Bukowski just so they can say they have read it... Those who have themselves pinned as modern-day beat generation enlightened idealists. People who bump the table and spill my latte all over the leg of my last pair of clean jeans, and then look at me with the most condescending look they can muster, as if to say, "how dare you be such an idiot as to assume it would be a good idea to put your coffee onto a coffeetable!" People like that make me crazy!
If you have abandoned the potential theory that your shit doesn't smell, I love you. (If you haven't, trust me. IT DOES.)
~E
Ok, so can I just say how much I hate pretentious people? I am sitting in the Cafe Noir, this adorable little coffee shop in downtown Monterey that makes the best cup of coffee I have ever had... And I am sitting upstairs working on my Spanish homework and pretending I am not eavesdropping on the pompous upper division students working on some assignment for their Global Studies class. I hate them. I don't even know them, but after a hakf hour of listening to their pretentious, mind-numbing "look how aware and enlightened I am, and how much I know about current issues regardless of how whether or not what I am talking about is related" psychobable. There is a blonde girl whose pants are too short and who is wear ugly sneakers and keeps attacking everyone else and blabbering on about dictatorships and diamond smuggling in Zimbabwe, and how Africa doesn't value human life. Apparently, she has a better understanding of the UN and how the UN should handle everything than anyone who works there... There is a loud, curl haired guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a while and who talks and talks and talks like he understand all the secret innerworkings of all the world's governments, and how could we be so simple minded as to not understand all of the possible aspects that go into Swiss bank accounts and money laundering. And then there is a quiet Russian guy who gets interrupted a lot and talked down to by the other two.
People like that drive me crazy... And you all know what kind of people I am talking about... The ones who are (start reading with a snobby voice here) oh so enlightened and politically aware, the young, hip, college student who knows so much more than the rest of the world because they took introduction to contemporary politics. (/snobby voice) They are convinced that they are on a higher plane of thinking from the rest of the world. The ones who debate useless philosophers and have conversations that are nothing but name dropping and inflated bullshit. The same individuals that feel the need to write unprovocated political commentaries padded with ostentatiously huge words that serve no purpose beyond making those reading it feel stupid. Who read things like Bukowski just so they can say they have read it... Those who have themselves pinned as modern-day beat generation enlightened idealists. People who bump the table and spill my latte all over the leg of my last pair of clean jeans, and then look at me with the most condescending look they can muster, as if to say, "how dare you be such an idiot as to assume it would be a good idea to put your coffee onto a coffeetable!" People like that make me crazy!
If you have abandoned the potential theory that your shit doesn't smell, I love you. (If you haven't, trust me. IT DOES.)
~E
Saturday, September 16, 2006
And now state lines look like the Berlin Wall
Ear Candy: "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie
Ok, so usually this is my thought blog, but I found this really cool survey in Gingey's blog, and wanted to do it, so here it is...
1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus. For several reasons:
1. I am a broke college student.
2. The son of God probably has some spare cash lying around, as the Catholic church is racking it all in, supposedly for him... and
3. It's a cheap meal anyway, because we just ordered waters and he turned them into wine...
2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; who is it?
India Irene Devenchenzi (I have no idea where that one came from...)
3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Arkansas
4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you want to try?
Masturbate. Have sex. Pee my name in the snow. In that order.
5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Han Solo, because he's all strong and scruffy and he would kind of rough you up a little bit, but in a good way...
6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A my size barbie. I feel so cheated. I was under 3' for ever! There were plenty of opportunities, people!
7. Top three celebrities you want to do
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ryder Strong
3. Jared Leto
8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Overly greasy hair, an expensive drug habit that could potentially warrant him robbing me, he's married, or he has gross teeth/bad breath.
9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Silent Hill
10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
Wow, this is a long list... Feel free to fill in this one with your favorite "Erin is a dumbass" moment..
"Why would it matter if her name is Melita? That sign says "Militia Road..." (it doesn't...)
11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?
A High tech bean and cheese quesedilla with extra guac, mozarella sticks with marinara sauce, and a piece of cheesecake factory Lemon Raspberry Chessecake... And maybe a plate of their four cheese pasta... Can you tell I like cheese?
12. What's something that you've done that most people haven't?
I don't know... Screamed back at James Ryall when he screamed at me? Most people are too scared to yell back... But maybe that's why we're best friends...
12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Seen The Matrix. Any of them.
13. Before you die you want to go to...?
RUSSIA, Europe in general, Thailand, Australia, Brazil... the list goes on... I want to go everywhere.
14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
sing in a band, and learn to play the bass...
15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
I've always wanted a koala. maybe a kinkaju... they have big eyes like mine.
16. A drug you'll never try?
heroin, crack, coke, speed, meth... anything i forgot that involves a needle.
17. If you were an animal what would you be?
a kinkaju for the big eyes, or maybe a white bengal tiger... i think they are kind of majestic...
18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Blake. Or Kyle Surlow.
19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I love Greek mythology. LOVE IT.
20. First celebrity crush?
Third Grade: Leonardo DiCaprio... I first saw him on a Growing Pains rerun on the Disney Channel, and knew I was going to marry him... Maybe I should let him know?
21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A cross bow... I think that would be badass...
23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
bagels and fruit... and a coffee.
24. Favorite parody movie?
Shaun of the Dead
25. Worst way to die?
drowning
26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
in real life, my dad after his last bike acident. gnarly.
27. The worst injury you've ever had?
probably one of my broken noses...
28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
playing with Reefer, and hanging out with the fam.
29. Sport you hate the most?
nascar or wrestling
30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
new york, seattle, any where in colorado
31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
religions, cars
32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
ooh... that is hard. I don't think I have a favorite... Will Ferrel because he is funny, Jared Leto or Jake Gyllenhaal... And Jennifer Connely.
33. What's one word you absolutely detest?
moist
34. What makes an awesome party?
fun people, good drinks, good music, no drama
35. What's your material obsession?
designer jeans, SHOES, expensive make up...
36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
"you're a handful"
37. Favorite kind of dog?
chiot! a cocker-poodle...
38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
garlic fries or chocolate covered frozen cheesecake...
39. Morning or night person?
night
40. Worst drunken habit?
being loud, being too friendly
41. Weirdest eBay purchase?
i've never bought anything on eBay
42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
french fries, reese's fast breaks, annie's mac and cheese
43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
if i am at school, cleaning up the beer cans in my room from the lovely kait. if i am at home, either sleeping or with the boy.
44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
claire, steffie (i miss you!), james (!!!), rosie, boyfriend, jess (i miss you too!), devin and ben and spike and lilli, hanny
45. Worst job you've ever had?
high tech had its ups and downs...
46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
lots of things... mostly my nose?
47. Favorite cereal?
OHS! honey nut cheerios, frosted flakes, puffins...
48. Book you could read repeatedly?
harry potters, the perks of being a wallflower, the electric kool-aid acid test, pride and predjudice
49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
i am really not sure... i've done some pretty mean things... not a great feeling.
50. Tell an interesting story about the last person to fill this out.
steffie is just fun... probably my favorite erin and steffie moment was when we were driving up to tahoe, and we made road friends (and nemesis!) and the traffic was so bad on 280 that we put the car in park and had a techno dance party in the car on the freeway...
If you love pointless surveys, I love you.
~E
Ok, so usually this is my thought blog, but I found this really cool survey in Gingey's blog, and wanted to do it, so here it is...
1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus. For several reasons:
1. I am a broke college student.
2. The son of God probably has some spare cash lying around, as the Catholic church is racking it all in, supposedly for him... and
3. It's a cheap meal anyway, because we just ordered waters and he turned them into wine...
2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; who is it?
India Irene Devenchenzi (I have no idea where that one came from...)
3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Arkansas
4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you want to try?
Masturbate. Have sex. Pee my name in the snow. In that order.
5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Han Solo, because he's all strong and scruffy and he would kind of rough you up a little bit, but in a good way...
6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A my size barbie. I feel so cheated. I was under 3' for ever! There were plenty of opportunities, people!
7. Top three celebrities you want to do
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ryder Strong
3. Jared Leto
8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Overly greasy hair, an expensive drug habit that could potentially warrant him robbing me, he's married, or he has gross teeth/bad breath.
9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Silent Hill
10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
Wow, this is a long list... Feel free to fill in this one with your favorite "Erin is a dumbass" moment..
"Why would it matter if her name is Melita? That sign says "Militia Road..." (it doesn't...)
11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?
A High tech bean and cheese quesedilla with extra guac, mozarella sticks with marinara sauce, and a piece of cheesecake factory Lemon Raspberry Chessecake... And maybe a plate of their four cheese pasta... Can you tell I like cheese?
12. What's something that you've done that most people haven't?
I don't know... Screamed back at James Ryall when he screamed at me? Most people are too scared to yell back... But maybe that's why we're best friends...
12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Seen The Matrix. Any of them.
13. Before you die you want to go to...?
RUSSIA, Europe in general, Thailand, Australia, Brazil... the list goes on... I want to go everywhere.
14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
sing in a band, and learn to play the bass...
15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
I've always wanted a koala. maybe a kinkaju... they have big eyes like mine.
16. A drug you'll never try?
heroin, crack, coke, speed, meth... anything i forgot that involves a needle.
17. If you were an animal what would you be?
a kinkaju for the big eyes, or maybe a white bengal tiger... i think they are kind of majestic...
18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Blake. Or Kyle Surlow.
19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I love Greek mythology. LOVE IT.
20. First celebrity crush?
Third Grade: Leonardo DiCaprio... I first saw him on a Growing Pains rerun on the Disney Channel, and knew I was going to marry him... Maybe I should let him know?
21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A cross bow... I think that would be badass...
23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
bagels and fruit... and a coffee.
24. Favorite parody movie?
Shaun of the Dead
25. Worst way to die?
drowning
26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
in real life, my dad after his last bike acident. gnarly.
27. The worst injury you've ever had?
probably one of my broken noses...
28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
playing with Reefer, and hanging out with the fam.
29. Sport you hate the most?
nascar or wrestling
30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
new york, seattle, any where in colorado
31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
religions, cars
32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
ooh... that is hard. I don't think I have a favorite... Will Ferrel because he is funny, Jared Leto or Jake Gyllenhaal... And Jennifer Connely.
33. What's one word you absolutely detest?
moist
34. What makes an awesome party?
fun people, good drinks, good music, no drama
35. What's your material obsession?
designer jeans, SHOES, expensive make up...
36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
"you're a handful"
37. Favorite kind of dog?
chiot! a cocker-poodle...
38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
garlic fries or chocolate covered frozen cheesecake...
39. Morning or night person?
night
40. Worst drunken habit?
being loud, being too friendly
41. Weirdest eBay purchase?
i've never bought anything on eBay
42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
french fries, reese's fast breaks, annie's mac and cheese
43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
if i am at school, cleaning up the beer cans in my room from the lovely kait. if i am at home, either sleeping or with the boy.
44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
claire, steffie (i miss you!), james (!!!), rosie, boyfriend, jess (i miss you too!), devin and ben and spike and lilli, hanny
45. Worst job you've ever had?
high tech had its ups and downs...
46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
lots of things... mostly my nose?
47. Favorite cereal?
OHS! honey nut cheerios, frosted flakes, puffins...
48. Book you could read repeatedly?
harry potters, the perks of being a wallflower, the electric kool-aid acid test, pride and predjudice
49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
i am really not sure... i've done some pretty mean things... not a great feeling.
50. Tell an interesting story about the last person to fill this out.
steffie is just fun... probably my favorite erin and steffie moment was when we were driving up to tahoe, and we made road friends (and nemesis!) and the traffic was so bad on 280 that we put the car in park and had a techno dance party in the car on the freeway...
If you love pointless surveys, I love you.
~E
Friday, September 15, 2006
Isn't this exactly where you want me?
Ear Candy: "But It's Better When We Do" by Panic! at the Disco (so sue me, I love them...)
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
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