relax, tree trunk

"why are you here?"
"to fuck you. and then go home, if that's all right."



"you know there are no happy endings in our future, don't you?"

The girl who had made you her own, and then you left her alone...

Ear Candy: "Star Mile" by Joshua Radin

i would love it if, just once, you picked me.

i know i sound whiny, but it's just not fair.

I'm alone, on a bicycle for two

Ear Candy: "Black Hole" by She & Him

even if all this time a part is for the best (i'm still not entirely convinced), it doesn't make me miss you any less.

what sucks the most is that you're happier now that i'm gone.

i don’t believe anything is lost forever, it think that sometimes you just have to work extra hard to find it again.

My Grande Finale at SRJC

Ear Candy: None. It's early and I am trying not to be too awake.

MONDAY/WEDNESDAY:
7:30 - 9:00: English 1B
9:00 - 12:00: Art 7A
12:00 - 1:00: Pilates
3:00 - 5:00: Math 15

TUESDAY/THURSDAY:
9:00 - 10:30: Sociology 1
1:30 - 12:00: Psych 1B

Not too shabby, it is 17 units... But it is a far cry from any schedule I have had so far. Let's see how this works out!

E

I wouldn't like me if I met me...

Ear Candy: "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara

I have always known that I am not perfect. That there are things about me that I am not incredibly fond of. I know there are things I don't do well, things I could improve on. But it is not until these things are put in front of me in black and white, in the words of someone whose opinion matters most to me, that I have decided that there is something wrong with me that can no longer be ignored. I have often spent time re-evaluating myself and my personal character after conflicts with other people, and usually the conclusion I reach is that I kick ass and they can't handle it. However, the common denominator in all of these scenarios is me, and maybe there is something to be said for that. Plus, it feels different when the negative opinion is one that I actually care about. So, rather then completely giving up on myself, I have decided to put together a little MTV Made project for myself, only I am not going to put it on tv, because those people look sad.

To Do List:
- learn to take criticism better
- learn to listen to others better
- begin to conquer my fear of failure
- get over my fear of looking stupid in front of other people
- play my drums better (where other people can witness it)
- calm down
- do something new and exciting just for me once a week.

I think that this has the potential to be good. At the very least, it is something to get me out of bed.

e

you turned me into somebody loved

Ear Candy: "Somebody Loved" by The Weepies

last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.

i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.

and i still am.

It's always prettier in Icelandic

Ear Candy: "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" by Sigor Ros


The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.

That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.

e

so who's gonna watch you die?

Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie

...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.

i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.

please don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them

Ear Candy: "These Days" by Mates of State

i can't remember the last time my picture was taken. i have no recent pictures of me, and not really any pictures of me with my friends. what seems strange about this is that i am often at events where lots of pictures are taken, but never any of me. i am not even lurking in the background. the last picture of me that i remember having taken was when we were walking in to outside lands and spike and andy and ben all agreed that i looked like a dude in it. fabulous.

halloween: n. 1. a holiday that no matter how much hoping, optimism, and careful planning is put into it, it will always be a huge disappointment.

2. one of erin sweeney's top five least favorite days of the year, and 4th least favorite holiday (3rd if you, like me, don't consider Columbus Day to be a holiday.)

i was stupid this year and bought a costume thinking that my plans would work out the way i wanted them to. i always get such high hopes for Halloween, because in my head it is this really amazing, super fun day where me and all my friends dress up and go to parties and have an amazing time. what is strange is that that has NEVER happened. it is now looking like it will be a night of me sitting home pretending we might get trick or treaters. rosie and i might go see zach and miri make a porno tonight, which would be fun.

i am also extremely concerned that my blog is rapidly becoming repetitive and boring. i am working on being more interesting, although it isn't really panning out right now.

i just want to feel like i don't have to try SO HARD to be a part of something. and also, i am super tired of being bailed on. it gets old super fast.

whatever. time to go dress up as a person who gives a fuck about halloween!

erin

i need you so much closer

Ear Candy: "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie

i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.

in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.

i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?

i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.

i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

no love this time, as there is none left for me.

~e

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better...

Ear Candy: "Get Better" by Mates of State

I haven’t been very consistent with updating this thing.
I am not actually sure that anyone cares that I don’t update, or even read this, but whatever…
Basically, life has been really shitty lately. I feel like I am in a funk, and I am having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of it. I want to do better, to be better, but I don’t do anything to fix it, and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to fix things. And then I feel guilt and stress and more unhappiness because I am not doing as well as I should be. I am drowning in my school work, which takes up so much of my time. And when I am not doing school, I am working. I work all the time now. I like my job so much, and the people I work with are awesome, but it is very consuming. I am there every day.

I don’t see anyone anymore, and I am feeling really forgotten. Sometimes I am talking to Andy when other people call him to hang out. I don’t get calls anymore. I hear through the grapevine (read: blogs and Andy) about movies and A’romas visits and whatnot that no one even thinks to call me for. I know that I am busy with school a lot, and that I am not always free. But I feel really forgotten. I miss last fall, when there was a group of us who did stuff. There were dinners, and movie nights and basketball until 3 AM. I miss that. I don’t even know when people are playing shows anymore, and no one calls me when I am not at things. Or, worse, people go ahead without me on plans that I had been a part of. I am not important enough to be a part of plans I helped to create.

And on the rare occasion that I am included in things, and can’t go because I have a family obligation (Kerry just threw her back out and my dad isn’t fully healed from his surgery) or work, or school, I am left to feel guilty. Like I am a bad person for not being able to find enough hours in the day.

Our Halloween plans fell through. I am really disappointed. I was so excited about dressing up with everyone. I usually don’t know what I am going to be for Halloween, so not having to do it so last minute was nice. And the feeling of being included in this was my favorite part, because I don’t feel that way very often. I don’t play in anyone’s band, and I can’t draw, so I don’t make the shirts or the posters. I’m left out of everything. I just kind of hang on at the sides, but this was something I was a part of, and that felt really good. Like that one time Spike told me that if no one else could do it, he wanted me to sell his merch. But I now feel like I got ditched as soon as a better offer came along. Which is basically a culmination in itself of how I feel. Replaced. Forgotten. Unimportant. Like a last resort.

Also, my grandma died. She was my Aunt Shannon’s mom, so not my actual grandmother, but yeah, she was my grandma. We did holidays with her, I called her grandma, and it all happened so fast, which made it even worse. And, as always, every time someone dies, it piles on. It brings up every other person I loved who isn’t there anymore. We have officially entered funeral season, and it came earlier than I was prepared for.

I just feel like I am never going to do anything, or get anywhere, or matter.
And it fucking sucks.


(P.S. James: I am glad you like the shampoo/body wash/lotion.)

~E

baby, you can drive my car

because i probably can't.

Ear Candy: "Drive My Car" by The Beatles

now i'm fucked.
erin got in too many car accidents. so the lovely california dmv is making her go down there and sit before a review board to determine whether or not she should be allowed to keep driving. they could suspend her license for up to five years. FABULOUS! the shit keeps piling up.

what are the chances that anyone would be willing to write erin a letter of reference saying she actually knows how to drive a car? it could be helpful in saving her license. she'd owe you big time.

thank you.

erin (and apparently the other person who speaks for her.)

i drowned in mine

Ear Candy: "Run in the Front" by Dear and the Headlights

i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.

e

i've got nothing to do today but smile

Ear Candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel

Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.

Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done

any takers?

if you love adventures, i love you.

~e

sleep on the floor and dream about me

Ear Candy: "Anthem for a 17-Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene

thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.

after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.

basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.

if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.

~E

when everything's made to be broken...

worst christmas ever. well, second worst. i think the worst christmas ever was the one right after my mom died, when we were all trying to pretend like it was a normal, happy holiday when it was very, very clear that is was not at all. christmas is my favorite holiday. i love it even more than my birthday. i look forward to christmas all year. it is the one day when my whole family gets together, and we have so much fun, and there is good food and good company and everyone enjoying each other. i love it. at my house, christmas eve is really the main event. my dad's whole family (his parents, my uncle and his two daughters, his sister, his adopted brother) come over, as well as my mom's sister and her two kids, and my second mom and my three older half siblings. i love it. and the day always goes like this: at about 2, kathleen picks us up for the christmas mass at st. rose, and the six of us (kathleen and five kids) go to mass, and then look at christmas lights on the way to the house where dinner and festivities and some presents take place. this year, everything went wrong.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.

it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.

i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?

but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.

kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.

christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.

i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.

where ever you're going, i'm going your way

Ear Candy: "Moon River" by Henri Mancini



i didn't write this, but i could have.


~e

There the darling goes; it’s magnetics that are pulling her down.

Ear Candy: “Parachutes (Funeral Song)” by Mates of State

I am so incredibly tired of being told that “no one can make you unhappy without your consent.” I’m sure that that is just a lovely theory for a person who is in no way affected by the world around them. However, for me, it is different. The people around me have an incredible effect on my life, and right now, none of that is a positive effect. I have been pretty much miserable this past year, and although it would be unfair to say that none of that is on me, I do not think it is fair to say that it all is.

Things with my family haven’t really been very good for as long as I remember. My mom was always the care taker and my father was the bread winner, and they were both really good at what they did. So when my mom got sick, it was a huge strain on all of us. And my father, for the first time of many, paid someone else to deal with his problems. He paid therapists to talk to my sister and I so that he didn’t have to listen to us, he paid a chef so he didn’t have to cook, he paid a cleaning lady to come keep the house clean, he even paid other people to drive my sister and I around so he didn’t have to. He only cut back at work when it became apparent that my mom was going to die, and even then it was only to spend time with her, not to learn how to take care of us. When she did die, he took back on some of his work hours, and my sister started coming home to an empty house where no one was there to feed us, or help us with our homework, or even just show an interest in our day. Kerry and I both handled the death differently; I became the adult, and adopted maturity beyond what I was emotionally capable of, and suppressed all of my feelings because everyone said that I had to be strong for the family. Kerry regressed to a little girl, and attention was lavished onto her and she was coddled and protected from everything. My dad continued to pay other people to take care of us so that he could wallow in his own pain, apparently unaware that anyone other than him was affected by this death, or at least not to the magnitude that he was. However, that did not stop him from beginning to date two and a half months later. And ever since then, there has never really been that much unification amongst the members of my family. My father put exceptionally high standards in place for me academically, and expected me to be able to excel at everything that I did, although he was not around to help me, or to recognize how much emotional healing I had to do on top of my school work. So again, feelings were repressed and I was expected to do well, he pushed me to be better than everyone else, and only seemed to be proud of me, or even care about me when I did.
Everything in my house directly correlated to how high our grades were, and Kerry and I were constantly put into competition with each other. I was forced to go see a therapist that I didn’t like, both alone and with my dad, but Kerry was allowed to quit therapy when she wanted to because “she did well in school”. He went to more of her track meets than my swim meets because she was a better runner than I was swimmer. When he did come to my swim meets, his comments after my races were almost always solely about how I could have/should have done better. He never came to see the plays I worked on, and he left half way through the ones I was in. He even compares us as far as physical appearances go, often telling both of us how we need more exercise, or could stand to lose a few pounds, or aren’t in as good of shape as we could be. As a result of those talks, my sister, and especially me are always convinced that we aren’t as pretty as we should be, or as thin as we should be.
This pressure has instilled in me the thought that if I am not the best at whatever it is that I am doing, I shouldn’t be doing it, or that I shouldn’t be proud of the work that I did, and that it wasn’t good enough. If I am going to swim, I have to win, and I have to be the fastest. If I am going to dance, I have to be the best dancer there. He didn’t think he needed to go see the plays I was in because I wasn’t the lead. If I am taking a class, I had better get an A, and my test grade needed to be the top grade always. And if I was going to go to college, which wasn’t an option, I couldn’t go to the JC, I had to go to a “real college”, and I had to go to the best “real college” I could get into. So even though I knew I wasn’t ready to leave home, and that I didn’t want to go to a four year right away, I had to because it was expected of me. And as a result, I have been in a situation that I don’t like doing work I don’t enjoy.

I look at my sister, and myself, and I don’t think that I would be too proud of either of us, if I were the parent. I am an emotionally crippled perfectionist with a constant need to please everyone around me, and at the same time, a desperate need to feel like I am better than the people I am trying to please. I have to be the best at everything. I have to be the prettiest, the smartest, the fastest, whatever… I just need to feel like I am at really good at everything. I was taught never to be proud of work that could have been better, even if I worked as hard as I could on it. And I can’t get close to people, and trust them as much as I would like to because I know that in the end, there is only me, and that the other people don’t care about me as much as I need them to. I put to much pressure on the people around me to love me, because I don’t feel that I get the love I need at home, at least not if I am just me and not super Erin.

Kerry, on the other hand, is a mean, selfish, rude individual who thinks that the rest of the world exists to cater to her. She intimidates and manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants, and has no remorse about it. I have watched her belittle and boss around my uncles, her friends, my dad’s girl friend, even my dad. But none of that compares to her favorite target: me. She loves to tell me how much she hates me, and that I don’t live in our house, so I have no right to be there anymore. She tells me how she doesn’t like when I am around, and that if I move home next year as I am planning to do, she will make my life miserable, because I am ruining her life, specifically because she does not get spoiled as much if I am there. She insults me, and constantly berates me for no reason. Completely unprovoked, she will come in, and start insulting everything about me, from the food I am eating, or the TV show I am watching to the clothes I am wearing, and how I look in general. I am routinely called fat, or ugly, and told that I “look like hell”, or that my clothes are ugly, and my outfit “doesn’t work.” Her newest thing is to tell me that I am a failure because I want to come home and go to the JC. In a word, she is a monster.

Being constantly told that my house is not my house makes me feel like I don’t belong there and I constantly feel unwanted. Being told that I am a failure makes me feel bad about my decisions and myself in general. She makes me feel like the ugly, awkward, unpopular little girl I was freshman year. She makes me feel two inches tall. And, with very few exceptions, my father stands there like none of this is happening. Now, in his defense, he is usually to busy with is job, or his girlfriend, or his bike, or his friends to pay attention to his children. And when he comes home from a long day of work, or hanging out with his girlfriend, why should he have to deal with us? He ignores it when I leave the room in tears, or when she hits me for nothing, or any of the insults. But he is suddenly very alert if I respond, and he has no problem with hitting me if I hit her. His logic is that “no one hurts his daughters.” So then what does that make me?

I know that thinking about myself this way is wrong, and that letting them have this kind of effect on me is also not a great idea, but when this is the only way I know how to be, it isn’t so easy to change things. My dad’s family tells me that it is not my dad’s fault, that he works really hard, and can’t be expected to also have to come home and make dinner or whatever. (He doesn’t cook, and if we want food, we either have to make our own dinner, or get take out.) My dad’s newest plan is to hire yet another family counselor to “fix” our “family”. His excuse for how things are now is that it was hard when my mom died, and that it is hard to be a single parent. Now, I understand both of those points, but I don’t think that they are valid excuses for letting things get this bad. When it actually happened, I could see being overwhelmed with everything. But now it is five and a half years later, and his excuses are looking really thin. But he is continuing to look to other people to fix things for us, and to refuse to take responsibility for all of this, especially for Kerry’s behavior.

I don’t feel like a part of my family. I feel excluded and unwanted. After my dad pushed me out of the house with the excuse of college (which he was too busy to even take me to, because he wanted to go on a trip with his girl friend that they planned after they knew when I was leaving), he began to focus his efforts onto Kerry. He buys her whatever she wants, and lets her do pretty much anything, most likely in an attempt to keep her from turning out as disappointingly as I did. They have made a total of three trips to Hawaii with Kerry, where I have stayed home. The entire Sweeney family went on a white water rafting trip in Oregon, without me. My dad, his girlfriend, my sister, and one of her lame friends recently went on a three day ski trip (in the middle of the week, which meant Kerry was allowed to miss school to go to the snow) without even telling me where they were, or that they were going anywhere, and my dad and sister are going to Germany without me this summer. Not only did they make their trips to Germany and Hawaii without including me, they did it without even telling me. They have frequently had diner with my dad’s girlfriend and her children, who also went on the trip to Hawaii. I, however, have never met her kids, even though they have been dating for almost two years, and have never even been invited to one of these dinners. And my father’s response to any of that is that it is my fault that I don’t feel like a part of the family. Sometimes I get the feeling that they would be happier if I wasn’t there. I would be one less hassle, one less thing to worry about. All I want is to feel like I matter to them, or like they at least made an effort to include me, or to care about me.

So now, I am almost 18, and I am supposed to be able to be an adult, and take care of myself, but I feel so broken, and unhappy and ill prepared that I can’t fathom me ever being able to take care of myself. But other than that, I am out of options, because my family sure as hell isn’t going to take care of me. I can’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy; everything has always just been a temporary distraction from how bad things really are, and how unhappy I really was.
All I really want is to be free. I want to have a day when my head and back don’t ache with stress, or a day when I cry for no reason. I want to feel wanted, and loved, like I belong wherever it is that I am. I don’t want to feel like a guest in my house, or a stranger in my family. And I don’t think that there is anyone I can pay to help me feel better. I think I am, once again, alone on this one.

~E

fill my empty room with the sun

Ear Candy: "Empty Room" by Marjorie Fair

I haven't updated this in quite a while, so I doubt anyone still reads this, but that is ok. It makes me sad that I don't update very much anymore, because I used to all the time, and I think it was good for me. But nevertheless, here I am now. I worry that this entry will turn into my own little pity party, although that is not my original intent, but I can see that the topics I plan to go into could go that route.

I feel like I am not a part of my family anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. When I am home in SR, I usually stay at Rosie's house, not at my own. And although it would appear that that is because my boyfriend lives at Rosie's, and while that is a definite bonus, it isn't my big reason. When I am gone, my sister's friends sleep in my bed. They go through my things, they wear my clothes, and my family uses it as storage. When I am home, my sister likes to remind me that it is not my house; that I don't live there anymore, while my dad stands by and says nothing. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised that he says nothing, as that is his usual stance when Kerry is being horrid. She says things to me that are more hurtful than I could ever explain. If the things she says are how she really feels, then it breaks my heart that my sister, who means more to me than I think she, or anyone else, really knows, thinks that lowly of me. And my dad pretends he can't hear it, but suddenly develops the hearing of a bat when I respond, and the arguement is ruled my fault and is ended. So he sides with her in arguements. That is nothing, I am sure you are thinking... Erin is being a big, silly over-reactor if that is the big problem. And generally, I would agree with you. Only that is just the tip of a big, mean, Leonardo DiCaprio killing ice berg.

More recently, my father purchased a brand new, shiny Honda Civic, which will be shared by me and my sister, who will both be liscenced drivers this summer. At the end of the summer, I might be able to take it to school, if it survives Kerry and her permit. (She already backed into the wall at the top of our driveway and jacked up the paint on the back, as well as added a lovely dent. It is less than two months old.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am way stoked about a car. It just sucks that Kerry gets a new one when I go to school, and I get the one she trashes. He and Kerry have also started this new thing where every Sunday they do something together, which in my dad's mind I'm sure was things like bike rides and hikes. In reality, it is more like Kerry gets majorly spoiled. Here is a recap:

- Sunday, January 21st (I'm still home at this point): Kerry and my dad go on a raid of the Coach outlet in Petaluma. Kerry comes home with a new bag, a pair of shoes (that should only be worn by tennis playing, fake blonde, martini drinking middle aged house wives who married CPAs with bad haircuts), and a pair of sunglasses that do not compliment her face shape. My dad got a belt that Kerry made him buy. He couldn't even tell the difference between the men's and women's belts. Erin got a phone call telling me to do the dishes and walk the dog.

- Saturday, January 27th: Kerry and my dad go to a nice lunch at some classy place in SF, then go to see a Golden State Warriors game where they have third row seats. They do not invite me, even though I am close enough to the game that they could have gotten me without going too far out of their way.

- Sunday, January 28th: Kerry is taken by my father to get her cartiledge pierced. Now, that probably does not seem like that big of a deal, only a little less than a year ago, my dad told me I couldn't have a piercing there because of the high rate of infection. WTF? Now, I know what you are thinking, "but Erin, you have a nose ring, so isn't that equal???" No. Because Kerry thinks my nose ring is dumb, and does not want one, where as I do want an upper ear piercing. Boo.

Now, I can guess what you are thinking here. "But Erin, you really just sound like a spoiled rich girl whose daddy is not buying her enough." Perhaps, but not really. Because while my dad was out buying Kerry her own island in the Carribean or whatever, he was forgetting to pay my tuition, so they cut off my meal plan for three days. And he was planning trips to Hawaii and Germany, both of which I am not only not invited on, but I wasn't even told about them initially.
The line up for Hawaii: My dad, his bull dog-resemblant girlfriend Liz, her two kids (who, after two years of dating, Kerry has met, but I haven't), Kerry, and Kerry's lame friend.
The line up for Germany: My dad, Kerry, and some friend of Kerry's.
Who is missing from those? THE OTHER DAUGHTER!!!!

Now, I am really not sad about the lack of things being bought for me, or the lack of vacations in my future. What is really hurting my feelings is the lack of inclusion in supposedly family activities. When did I stop being a part of the family? Was it when I left for school? Or when my grandparents forgot to get me Christmas presents? Or perhaps when random friend of my sister took my place at all the events. Whenever it was, I don't think that my family realizes how much it breaks my heart that I am not included. I feel like an orphan with a living family for the amount they check up on me. My dad never calls me, and when he calls me back, he usually calls me Kerry by mistake. Monterey is only three hours away at most, but I feel like I have dropped off the face of the earth, and it sucks big time. I don't want them to buy me stuff; love doesn't have to be a material thing, which is something my dad should understand, because that is how he thinks too! Maybe it is easier to please Kerry because she is more material than I am, and as a result sees my dad's love manifested in the purse/jeans/third world country he buys her. But for me, it is in the time when my dad and I go out to lunch, or to the music store, even if we buy nothing, or even when we just sit and talk. But that stuff takes more time, and it's harder to fit into one's busy schedule, so it becomes less important. And apparently, somewhere along the line, so did I.

If you remember to love me, know that I am remembering to love you back.

~E

So I would choose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make

Ear Candy: "So it Goes" by Billy Joel

I hate this. I keep looking at pictures of you, or I see something funny or that makes me think of you, and I want to call you, but I know you won't pick up. I just keep hoping... I called just to hear your voice. It's weird, I got used to the feeling of missing you. It's not like one day you just weren't there... You weren't there for months. And even though I had you on the phone, it wasn't the same... We had no play time, no snuggle parties, no car rides singing like crazies. And it seems weird to think we won't have any more... On my white board in my room, it says on December 23rd: "Cooper home! Patsy day!" I was going to go to the air port with your mama and pick you up. And stop for cheesecake or something on the way home. And sing along with musicals and the Beatles and laugh and be crazy, and winter break was going to be good because we would all be together again. Now we're going to be together, with a big gaping hole in the circle. I've been trying to ignore it. To pretend it's not happening. That I didn't bury you. But I hate it so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. Every instinct I am having is to call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't go out there for Thanksgiving. I probably could have afforded the ticket, but I wanted to stay here and see everyone. I should have gone. Then you wouldn;t have been in that car. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I threw a small fit because they left the onions on my food last night. I wanted you to be there so I could sneak them into your food. I don't know what to do...

I love you.

Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.

~E