now i am sitting all alone

Ear Candy: "Mushy Love Song" by Tsunami Bomb

Always a bridesmaid, right?

Don't worry, I'm getting really good at getting left alone.

Ear Candy: "MTIFF Stomp" by my friend Jack's band

Updates on life as I live it:

- new house with Cheryl. It's hella retro and funky, and I love it so much. We're near the school, and Mark and Moe and Jewy and Jimmy. We have two record players, and a garden, and everything we have is from thrift stores and garage sales. I love it. We still don't have beds, so we are sleeping on the floor in the living room in a cuddle puddle with Jack, who doesn't actually live with us, but he might as well.

- Charley and I broke up. Creative differences. I'm actually ok.

- Birthday in less than a week. It doesn't feel like it. But I am stoked to be able to buy beer when I want it.

- Show opened, is going well. I love my deck crew SO much. And it feels good to be reminded why I love theatre so much. And it feels even better to have people tell me that I am good at my job.

- Sprained my ankle. Called the Stage Manager from the lawn that I fell on, took all necessary precautions in case I couldn't get out of the ER in time for the show, and then painted my crutches black so that I could take them backstage. Haven't missed a beat. Trooper Award.

- It feels good to have crushes again. I missed that excitement.

- Quitting at Crabtree. Can't handle that shit anymore. SRT job this summer, super stoked on it. Not stoked to find a new job at the end of summer.

- Things are changing, and I think for the better. I am excited to see what comes next.

~ e

The weight of the world is love

Ear Candy: Jack's band shredding

The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction

the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

Who can deny?
In dreams
it touches
the body,
in thought
constructs
a miracle,
in imagination
anguishes
till born
in human--
looks out of the heart
burning with purity--
for the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
wearily,
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love.

No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams
of love--
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels
or machines,
the final wish
is love
--cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold
if denied:

the weight is too heavy

--must give
for no return
as thought
is given
in solitude
in all the excellence
of its excess.

The warm bodies
shine together
in the darkness,
the hand moves
to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye--

yes, yes,
that's what
I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body
where I was born.

i find myself knowing the things that i knew

...which is all you can know on this side of the blue.

Ear Candy: "This Side of the Blue" by Joanna Newsom

it has been crazy raining for the last 24 hours, and i love it. the huge hail and the lightening last night were amazing. i love the rain, because it makes everything clean and alive and new again, and it washed away everything that can't cling on. my life always makes more sense when it is raining, and i feel myself surrounded by a sense of calm. it's really nice. being in my bed when it is raining makes me feel safe, and alive, and comfy and cozy. right now, outside has the strangest light i have ever seen, it almost looks like it is glowing. i feel like something big and amazing is about to happen, and i can't wait to see what it is.

also, cheryl and jordan and i think we found an awesome house. yay. and if jordan bails (again) we have an awesome house without him.

and the play opens in two weeks.

and birthday is in three weeks.

the times, they are a-changin'.

i love being in love, and i don't care what it does from me

Ear Candy: "Inches and Falling" by The Format

The honeymoon is definitely over. Yep.

Time for real life now. My my, how quickly the times have changed.

there are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

Ear Candy: "Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie" by Joanna Newsom

Sometimes, my life feels a lot like standing on the beach while waves run over your feet. You can feel all of the sand slipping away from you, but you stay in the same place.

Yeah, sometimes that's how life feels.

i loved you more

Ear Candy: "In My Life" by The Beatles

Everything is poised in such a way that makes me think that I should be really happy with the way my life is going. But, for whatever reason, I'm not. I am doing well in school, and I like all of my classes. I feel like there is finally a chance that I could get what I want from all of this hard work, like it could all actually ammount to something. And in the theatre, everyone keeps telling me what a great job I am doing, and I am loving my work there. And I have an amazing boyfriend who I feel so lucky to have. And yet, I'm still not happy.

Harry died last week, and I know that is a large part of why I am so upset. I loved him so much. I still do. He was my mom's dog, and as stupid as it sounds, he was like having a piece of her around. A living, breathing part that could love me, and check up on me. He was always so intuitive, and I was sure that was why. It was kind of like losing her again. The next day, my house felt colder. Kerry left, and my dad doesn't really want to be there. It was nice having another living thing to come home to, one who was happy to see me. Now, it feels like I have nothing to come home to, like there is no such thing as home.

Lately, people keep telling me how unpleasant I am, in so many words. LDL, the director of my play, told me my voice was severe and unpleasant, and that I have no warmth. And lately, Charley has been telling me that I am too hard on him, or that I am mean to him, and it broke my heart a little bit to hear that. Because I try so hard to express how much I care about the people in my life, and I try to be kind, and respectful, and compassionate, and it always seems to fall flat. I think I am just emotionally retarded or something. It just sucks to feel like the people who see me at my most vulnerable maybe don't see me at all.

Every time someone tells me that I am mean, or scary, or severe, or cold, it breaks my heart a little, and cripples my patchy self-esteem. It makes me question what kind of awful person would ever be able to love a monster like the one I am described as. It makes me worry that there maybe isn't someone for everyone, and that means that there might not be someone for me, that I could spend the rest of my life looking for someone who makes me happy who feels the same way about me, but that I maybe don't have that effect on people.

Emo panda. Ugh. Time to buck the fuck up.

All mine, always.

Ear Candy: "Always" by Blink 182

I am in this amazing place right now, and I am loving every minute of it here. But there is a part of me that is always looking into the future, always planning and dreaming. Since being here, I have come up with a much clearer and more cemented vision of the life that I want for myself, and it feels really good. I have solidly landed on a major and a career path, which puts my educational goals into a clearer perspective. And as soon as I get home, I have amazing things waiting for me: a hair cut (YES!), a job with rad people (and a raise), a fun play to work on, an amazing schedule, my wonderful friends, and a very special boy. All in all, things are looking good. In honor of such, I have decided to put together another list of things that I want to do in the future:
• Get my toes done. It’s silly and little, but it makes feel pretty, and I don’t get to do it very often.
• Go to the river. I didn’t go all summer, and it was lame.
• Go back to Yosemite.
• Other camping.
• Learn to snow board.
• Learn to sew better.
• Ice skating.
• I want to eventually spend a summer working in Yosemite at one of the lodges.
• See more plays. (Rosie and Bryan, I’m talking to you.)
• Officially get into the management certificate program.
• Learn to play piano
• Get better at French and Russian
• ROAD TRIP
• Go to Alaska to see the Northern Lights (and the puffins!)
• Travel around California to see my friends that are now more spread out.
• Learn to drive stick shift.
• Go to the beach. I miss it so much.

I am excited. It’s a really good feeling.

I miss you. And I love you.

E

love is a place

Ear Candy: "Love is a Place" by Metric

the end of another summer. i officially needed more than just my quilt last night on my bed to be warm. scattered all over my room are the remnants from other summers, and i keep having the weirdest flashes back to what it felt like to be in those moments, and how odd it feels to not be there anymore. i guess this is what growing up feels like. i am not sure how i feel about it yet... but since i can't fix it or stop it or fight it, i guess maybe i should go with it. i keep feeling like it is happening too fast, or like one day i will wake up and suddenly feel ready to take on all of this. maybe i already am, and i just don't know it? maybe, growing up is just becoming more aware of the things that were already true. when did i become some sort of cheap knock off of the dalai lama?

"you shed not a single tear for the things you did not need, because you knew you were finally free"


i leave in three weeks for london. that snuck up on me. i still can't quite picture it yet, but i think i am excited. mostly, i am terrified. and sad. because the people that i love are all going off on their own paths, and i support that fully. but it doesn't make me any less sad to see the little family we've built for ourselves drift away. i can only hope that the people i care about have some inkling of how much i really do love them, and how very proud of them i am, regardless of where i am, or they are. i have mostly been quite lucky with the people who i find in my life. why do i always get sappy and sentimental at the end of summer? i guess this is when reality sets in.

when i get home in 15 weeks, i know there will be a life waiting for me, but what will it look like? who will be in it? what will i look like? i am standing on the brink of the oblivion, and i can't quite see through the fog... but i guess that they were right when they said that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? for me, fear looks like uncertainty.

i guess i just have to trust that things will fall in to place in the right way, and that the best possible future is the one whose path i am on...? how rsbs is that?!


wish me luck as i jump into the unknown.

wherever you are, i love you.

e

it's bad enough that my dad doesn't really want to be my dad. he has more pictures of his girlfriend and her kid on his desk than he does of his own kids. there are no pictures of me or my sister, but three of his girlfriend, and two of her daughter. that bitch already has a dad, why the fuck does she need mine?

now, my dad has decided to completely cut me off financially, because he has decided that i shop too much? which is weird, because the last time i went shopping, i was in london, and that was the only time this year i had used his credit card for anything besides food and gas, which i guess he is tired of paying for.

but the part about this that is so frustrating, is that he justifies it by saying that he is taking kerry's credit card away too. however, kerry is going to college next fall, where she will have a meal plan, so she doesn't need to worry about buying food, and she can't have a car, so she doesn't need to pay for gas. i feel like my dad is only ok with this because it it no way affects my sister. if he had to pick between us, we all know he would pick her. and the worst part about that is that he doesn't even try to hide that. he is throwing her a graduation party... i got into every college i applied to when i graduated, and my dad told me that i couldn't have a graduation party, or send out announcements, because i hadn't really accomplished anything. he wasn't that proud of me... however, my sister, who only got into three (and two of them were Chico and Humboldt) of the ten schools she applied to is having a big graduation party, and aren't we all so fucking proud of kerry... i was informed today also that my birthday dinner will have to be postponed in favor of a graduation dinner for kerry, since my dad doesn't want to have to bring my grandma down more than once that month.

and since my sister is unaffected by this, she doesn't give a fuck. and she is picking on me for being so upset. which is so weird, because when she whines at me to go get her something for dinner, i am curious how she thinks i pay for it... when she whines that her car needs an oil change, and i switch cars with her for the day, how does she think i pay for that? with my minimum wage job and my ten hours a week? no.

and i know i sound like such a bratty, spoiled rich girl. but i really don't give a fuck. my dad doesn't pay attention to me, doesn't really care about me, or any of my interests, and opts to throw money at me because it was easier. now, he isn't even doing that... he has retracted the only thing that he does to show me that he is even aware i exist. so please, spare me all of the stories about how i could have it so much worse. how you all have had to survive with less, whatever... because this is about so much more than the fact that my dad took my credit card away (by the way, closing that account totally FUCKS my credit score. fantastic.) he basically told me that since i am almost 20, i am no longer his problem, and he's done. fantastic.

relax, tree trunk

"why are you here?"
"to fuck you. and then go home, if that's all right."



"you know there are no happy endings in our future, don't you?"

The girl who had made you her own, and then you left her alone...

Ear Candy: "Star Mile" by Joshua Radin

i would love it if, just once, you picked me.

i know i sound whiny, but it's just not fair.

I'm alone, on a bicycle for two

Ear Candy: "Black Hole" by She & Him

even if all this time a part is for the best (i'm still not entirely convinced), it doesn't make me miss you any less.

what sucks the most is that you're happier now that i'm gone.

i don’t believe anything is lost forever, it think that sometimes you just have to work extra hard to find it again.

My Grande Finale at SRJC

Ear Candy: None. It's early and I am trying not to be too awake.

MONDAY/WEDNESDAY:
7:30 - 9:00: English 1B
9:00 - 12:00: Art 7A
12:00 - 1:00: Pilates
3:00 - 5:00: Math 15

TUESDAY/THURSDAY:
9:00 - 10:30: Sociology 1
1:30 - 12:00: Psych 1B

Not too shabby, it is 17 units... But it is a far cry from any schedule I have had so far. Let's see how this works out!

E

I wouldn't like me if I met me...

Ear Candy: "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara

I have always known that I am not perfect. That there are things about me that I am not incredibly fond of. I know there are things I don't do well, things I could improve on. But it is not until these things are put in front of me in black and white, in the words of someone whose opinion matters most to me, that I have decided that there is something wrong with me that can no longer be ignored. I have often spent time re-evaluating myself and my personal character after conflicts with other people, and usually the conclusion I reach is that I kick ass and they can't handle it. However, the common denominator in all of these scenarios is me, and maybe there is something to be said for that. Plus, it feels different when the negative opinion is one that I actually care about. So, rather then completely giving up on myself, I have decided to put together a little MTV Made project for myself, only I am not going to put it on tv, because those people look sad.

To Do List:
- learn to take criticism better
- learn to listen to others better
- begin to conquer my fear of failure
- get over my fear of looking stupid in front of other people
- play my drums better (where other people can witness it)
- calm down
- do something new and exciting just for me once a week.

I think that this has the potential to be good. At the very least, it is something to get me out of bed.

e

you turned me into somebody loved

Ear Candy: "Somebody Loved" by The Weepies

last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.

i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.

and i still am.

It's always prettier in Icelandic

Ear Candy: "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" by Sigor Ros


The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.

That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.

e

so who's gonna watch you die?

Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie

...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.

i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.

please don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them

Ear Candy: "These Days" by Mates of State

i can't remember the last time my picture was taken. i have no recent pictures of me, and not really any pictures of me with my friends. what seems strange about this is that i am often at events where lots of pictures are taken, but never any of me. i am not even lurking in the background. the last picture of me that i remember having taken was when we were walking in to outside lands and spike and andy and ben all agreed that i looked like a dude in it. fabulous.

halloween: n. 1. a holiday that no matter how much hoping, optimism, and careful planning is put into it, it will always be a huge disappointment.

2. one of erin sweeney's top five least favorite days of the year, and 4th least favorite holiday (3rd if you, like me, don't consider Columbus Day to be a holiday.)

i was stupid this year and bought a costume thinking that my plans would work out the way i wanted them to. i always get such high hopes for Halloween, because in my head it is this really amazing, super fun day where me and all my friends dress up and go to parties and have an amazing time. what is strange is that that has NEVER happened. it is now looking like it will be a night of me sitting home pretending we might get trick or treaters. rosie and i might go see zach and miri make a porno tonight, which would be fun.

i am also extremely concerned that my blog is rapidly becoming repetitive and boring. i am working on being more interesting, although it isn't really panning out right now.

i just want to feel like i don't have to try SO HARD to be a part of something. and also, i am super tired of being bailed on. it gets old super fast.

whatever. time to go dress up as a person who gives a fuck about halloween!

erin

i need you so much closer

Ear Candy: "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie

i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.

in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.

i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?

i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.

i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

no love this time, as there is none left for me.

~e