If you want to find somebody else that's better, go ahead...

Ear Candy: "Go Ahead" by Rilo Kiley

I am not crazy. I am tired of being told that I am crazy. I have heard it so much I am actually starting to believe it. My dad and everyone else seems to think that I am suicidal and crazy, and dangerous or something stupid like that... I don't feel like I am allowed to function. My dad has had me medicated and in therapy since I was eleven, and now five years later I am still saying the same thing, "I don't need this". I am not depressed! I am not in any way interested in killing myself. I am fine just being as I am.

I will never measure up. I will never be as good at things as my dad wants me to be, and I am ok with that, but he can't accept it. I like to sing, but I will never be great at it. I like to dance, but I am not a dancer. I like to swim, but I am not fast nor will I ever be. I am tired of being told to try harder and of what I am capable of when how the hell does anyone but me know what those are?! I am fine with the person I am turning into. There are so many good qualities to me and why is that not enough? I am smart, but I am not motivated to do well in school because it is not the right environment for me. I hate the structure; I feel trapped. Trapped by his expectations and the disappointed looks and the fasley calm tone to his voice when he is telling me how I should be better.

I will never be him, and I am ok with that. Why isn't he? My dad is suddenly realizing that I am going to be gone soon, and he wants to get closer to me. Can't he see all he is doing is pushing me away? I want to have a good cry over this or something, but it is so freaking stupid!! I won't let myself! Jo and I just had a talk about someone else bitching about stuff like this, and yet here I am doing the same thing!! And what is worse, I hate hippocrites. But I do not hate myself! I am not a bad person and I am tired of hearing that I am not good enough; I am.

I am good at so many things, just not the things he wants me to be good at. I am a good writer, but not a fast runner. I am not ugly, but I will never be the pretty one. I am not the one in a crowd that stands out, and if we have only met once, you probably won't remember me, but that's ok. He still has Kerry, right?

If you love yourself, I love you too.

~E