Ear Candy: "Forever Young" by Alphaville
I went and saw Elizabeth Town with Quinnie after school today; it was fabulous. I liked it better than Garden State, which I loved. It was beuatiful as Cameron Crowe is pretty much amazing, and the best ever. The story, the acting, the dialogue, were all wonderful. And the cinematography was brilliant. I loved it.
But it made me so sad. I was crying, and not just for the movie, for me. I have been thinking about her so much lately. What with it being my senior year and then I am leaving home, and my dad talking about getting married and replacing her, and just in general, all of the things that I don't have her to do with me. In the movie, he went on a road trip with his dad's ashes. He talked to his father, and got to say good bye. He had all of his memories. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. Out of everything, there is only one thing that I really want. I want her back. I want her to hug me, and tell me she loves me, and that she is proud of me, and to have a mom again. I am so lost and confused in the way that only my mom could help me with, and I think I am stuck lost. I just don't understand it. I miss her so much it kills me. Aunt Shannon and Kathleen and everyone tell me that I am just like her, that she would be proud, blah blah blah. I never got the chance to know if I am like her. Because I never got to know her as anything more than my mommy who made me sandwiches and took me to ballet and made the costumes and did hot lunch at school and yelled at Bethany's mother for being dumb (which is apparently genetic). And how do they know what she would think? She isn't here to say it.
God is supposed to love us. To protect us. Good things happen to those who are good, and the wicked are punished, right? Then why the fuck did such and amazing, genuinely good woman who cared so much for everyone around her suffer like that? And why did I have to watch my mother, my fucking mother, decompose? Forget my name and who I was, lose her hair, her body, her mind, and be swallowed up by something that no God could have ever wished on anyone. Where the hell was God? And what am I supposed to do know? If God isn't watching out for us, then who is? I can't put my faith in Him. I am faithless.
I think I have been talking about her more lately, and I am sorry if that makes everyone uncomfortable, I am sure it must be hard to know what to say or how to react, and I don't blame you. Nor do I want you to pity me or anything like that.
I'm not really sure what brought this all on. I'm sorry...
If you love the people who love you so much it hurts, I'm hurting for you,
~E
Monday, October 24, 2005
Saturday, October 15, 2005
The innocent can never last...
Ear Candy: "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day
Ok, so kick me for being cliche, but I love this song... It strikes a chord with me for some reason.
Last night was phenomenal. It was perfect. Getting lost has never been so fun. James has never been more amazing, and he only cracked under pressure once. Bitches from Arizona have never been bitchier. Back spasms have never been funnier. Wilco has never sounded more like Coldplay (*cough*). Chessecake has NEVER been tastier, nor more well deserved. The Castro has never been cuter. And I doubt any of us have ever done that much impromptu sight seeing before. The city has never been prettier, or more perfect.
I loved every moment of last night, from the faces being made at passing drivers, to all the getting lost, to the good food with great company, and it feeling like Devin's daddy was with us, he called so much... Dinner is always better at Midnight. James telling us repetedly that last night was the best night ever reiterated the point in my mind. There is nothing I would have rather done last night. And I must say, that was the right number and mix of people. Yay us. (Not that we didn't miss you Megs.)
If you love San Francisco, I love you.
~E
Ok, so kick me for being cliche, but I love this song... It strikes a chord with me for some reason.
Last night was phenomenal. It was perfect. Getting lost has never been so fun. James has never been more amazing, and he only cracked under pressure once. Bitches from Arizona have never been bitchier. Back spasms have never been funnier. Wilco has never sounded more like Coldplay (*cough*). Chessecake has NEVER been tastier, nor more well deserved. The Castro has never been cuter. And I doubt any of us have ever done that much impromptu sight seeing before. The city has never been prettier, or more perfect.
I loved every moment of last night, from the faces being made at passing drivers, to all the getting lost, to the good food with great company, and it feeling like Devin's daddy was with us, he called so much... Dinner is always better at Midnight. James telling us repetedly that last night was the best night ever reiterated the point in my mind. There is nothing I would have rather done last night. And I must say, that was the right number and mix of people. Yay us. (Not that we didn't miss you Megs.)
If you love San Francisco, I love you.
~E
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Ear Candy: "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Ani DiFranco
Typing things is cold. I know that it should be the same as writing things down, but it never is. I have so many thoughts and ideas, and I can pour them through my hand into the pen and watch the pen flood the paper with my heart, and it will feel warm. But when I get to the computer to spill my ideas onto it, I am suddenly empty. Everything bubbles right underneath my surface, and I can’t think. I am frustrated. It is cold and unfeeling. Handwriting is different for everyone, but on a computer, we all type the same. We all have the same fonts; we all use the same spell check. Typing things makes them impersonal. This makes me sad, because if I take the time to write something, then it means something. And how can I convey that if it is all the same? I wish I could hand write a novel; but my handwriting is crap, so perhaps not…
If you have random moments where you feel the need to share your thoughts, I love you.
~E
Typing things is cold. I know that it should be the same as writing things down, but it never is. I have so many thoughts and ideas, and I can pour them through my hand into the pen and watch the pen flood the paper with my heart, and it will feel warm. But when I get to the computer to spill my ideas onto it, I am suddenly empty. Everything bubbles right underneath my surface, and I can’t think. I am frustrated. It is cold and unfeeling. Handwriting is different for everyone, but on a computer, we all type the same. We all have the same fonts; we all use the same spell check. Typing things makes them impersonal. This makes me sad, because if I take the time to write something, then it means something. And how can I convey that if it is all the same? I wish I could hand write a novel; but my handwriting is crap, so perhaps not…
If you have random moments where you feel the need to share your thoughts, I love you.
~E
Sunday, October 02, 2005
I might never reach you...
Ear Candy: "Writing to Reach You" by Travis
I am not saying divorce. I am not saying never again, and I am not saying hate. But I am tired. Tired of all of this. I feel like I am speaking fucking Japanese or something. I am probably a little therapy brat, but I honestly feel like things can be fixed by talking. They can, but only if you are listening. But you hear what you want to hear. And that isn't anything that I am saying. I have been screaming at you, crying at you, whispering, anything and everything, just trying to reach you. To make you hear me. And I don't think you ever will. I loved you. I love you. I would have done anything for you. What we were was real. But you threw it away on the pursuit of something that will never be real. And I can't wait forever for you to figure that all out.
It is not about the boy. I need to make that very clear. Because as far as he goes, you two deserve each other. (And yes, you could have said no. You could have handled it gracefully, or tactfully, or thinking even a little bit... But there is no attention to be gained from doing it that way. Did you get your applause?) It is what he represents, the fact that you always have, and always will put yourself and trivial wants before us. And so often have I given up what I wanted to satisfy you. And I am really not sure how you have repaid me. You abandoned me, knife to the heart style, last year when I needed you more than ever. Sure, maybe I keep throwing it in your face. And yeah, you apologized for that, but we never talked about it. Not really anyway. And it still stings like it was yesterday. It killed me, and you laugh it off like it was nothing. No more trivial than you losing a shirt you borrowed.
You aren't being the girl I know. Why do you need fake love so much? And if you want love, then why are you pushing away all the people who really care about you? And here is what I don't understand: How no matter what, I am always the one who will get hurt. Everytime, you get you get your trophy, and I get my heartache.
I feel like I am crying more than laughing with/because of you now adays... Were things ever good with us, or was it always like this? Last night, I kept remembering bad things that just made me so upset. I want all this bad to go away. But honestly, nothing you say will fix anything. Because your words are empty. You say one thing, and then the next minute you are off doing the exact thing I just told you was killing me.
You will probably read this. You will do what you always do, get defensive and mad and say, "Erin is such a selfish bitch!". Then cry to everyone, try to turn them against me, get your support team behind you to glare at me and not hug me good bye, ignore everything that I am saying, and then tell me you love me, and apologize, tell me how confused and sad and ugly and horrible you are and how you need me. And then nothing will change. Don't get defensive, just open your eyes.
Am I a bitch for posting this? Quite possibly, but it needs to be said. I am not holding this in anymore, it is poison on my soul, and I need to [finally] do something for me.
I quit.
If you heard a fucking word I just said, or even bothered to read this whole thing, I love you.
~E
I am not saying divorce. I am not saying never again, and I am not saying hate. But I am tired. Tired of all of this. I feel like I am speaking fucking Japanese or something. I am probably a little therapy brat, but I honestly feel like things can be fixed by talking. They can, but only if you are listening. But you hear what you want to hear. And that isn't anything that I am saying. I have been screaming at you, crying at you, whispering, anything and everything, just trying to reach you. To make you hear me. And I don't think you ever will. I loved you. I love you. I would have done anything for you. What we were was real. But you threw it away on the pursuit of something that will never be real. And I can't wait forever for you to figure that all out.
It is not about the boy. I need to make that very clear. Because as far as he goes, you two deserve each other. (And yes, you could have said no. You could have handled it gracefully, or tactfully, or thinking even a little bit... But there is no attention to be gained from doing it that way. Did you get your applause?) It is what he represents, the fact that you always have, and always will put yourself and trivial wants before us. And so often have I given up what I wanted to satisfy you. And I am really not sure how you have repaid me. You abandoned me, knife to the heart style, last year when I needed you more than ever. Sure, maybe I keep throwing it in your face. And yeah, you apologized for that, but we never talked about it. Not really anyway. And it still stings like it was yesterday. It killed me, and you laugh it off like it was nothing. No more trivial than you losing a shirt you borrowed.
You aren't being the girl I know. Why do you need fake love so much? And if you want love, then why are you pushing away all the people who really care about you? And here is what I don't understand: How no matter what, I am always the one who will get hurt. Everytime, you get you get your trophy, and I get my heartache.
I feel like I am crying more than laughing with/because of you now adays... Were things ever good with us, or was it always like this? Last night, I kept remembering bad things that just made me so upset. I want all this bad to go away. But honestly, nothing you say will fix anything. Because your words are empty. You say one thing, and then the next minute you are off doing the exact thing I just told you was killing me.
You will probably read this. You will do what you always do, get defensive and mad and say, "Erin is such a selfish bitch!". Then cry to everyone, try to turn them against me, get your support team behind you to glare at me and not hug me good bye, ignore everything that I am saying, and then tell me you love me, and apologize, tell me how confused and sad and ugly and horrible you are and how you need me. And then nothing will change. Don't get defensive, just open your eyes.
Am I a bitch for posting this? Quite possibly, but it needs to be said. I am not holding this in anymore, it is poison on my soul, and I need to [finally] do something for me.
I quit.
If you heard a fucking word I just said, or even bothered to read this whole thing, I love you.
~E
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