Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies...

Ear Candy: "Forever Young" by Alphaville

I went and saw Elizabeth Town with Quinnie after school today; it was fabulous. I liked it better than Garden State, which I loved. It was beuatiful as Cameron Crowe is pretty much amazing, and the best ever. The story, the acting, the dialogue, were all wonderful. And the cinematography was brilliant. I loved it.

But it made me so sad. I was crying, and not just for the movie, for me. I have been thinking about her so much lately. What with it being my senior year and then I am leaving home, and my dad talking about getting married and replacing her, and just in general, all of the things that I don't have her to do with me. In the movie, he went on a road trip with his dad's ashes. He talked to his father, and got to say good bye. He had all of his memories. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. Out of everything, there is only one thing that I really want. I want her back. I want her to hug me, and tell me she loves me, and that she is proud of me, and to have a mom again. I am so lost and confused in the way that only my mom could help me with, and I think I am stuck lost. I just don't understand it. I miss her so much it kills me. Aunt Shannon and Kathleen and everyone tell me that I am just like her, that she would be proud, blah blah blah. I never got the chance to know if I am like her. Because I never got to know her as anything more than my mommy who made me sandwiches and took me to ballet and made the costumes and did hot lunch at school and yelled at Bethany's mother for being dumb (which is apparently genetic). And how do they know what she would think? She isn't here to say it.

God is supposed to love us. To protect us. Good things happen to those who are good, and the wicked are punished, right? Then why the fuck did such and amazing, genuinely good woman who cared so much for everyone around her suffer like that? And why did I have to watch my mother, my fucking mother, decompose? Forget my name and who I was, lose her hair, her body, her mind, and be swallowed up by something that no God could have ever wished on anyone. Where the hell was God? And what am I supposed to do know? If God isn't watching out for us, then who is? I can't put my faith in Him. I am faithless.

I think I have been talking about her more lately, and I am sorry if that makes everyone uncomfortable, I am sure it must be hard to know what to say or how to react, and I don't blame you. Nor do I want you to pity me or anything like that.

I'm not really sure what brought this all on. I'm sorry...

If you love the people who love you so much it hurts, I'm hurting for you,

~E