Ear Candy: "But It's Better When We Do" by Panic! at the Disco (so sue me, I love them...)
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
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3 comments:
i miss you. i hope you know that.
It makes me feel good to read that and know that none of that mean people stuff applies to me in any way, shape, or form.
Things are different without you, but for some reason they're not exactly strange. With the calling and the writing, it feels more like you're still around, but we're both just too busy to hang out. . . or something. I'm sure it's really different for you, because you're not even in Santa Rosa. Do you know what I'm talking about? Probably. I do miss you, though, for sure. Like nobody's business. I need a car. If I could get to Monterey on a bike in a decent amount of time, I would.
Golly, I have so much to say to you. I wrote you a card during the summer that for some reason I never got around to sending. If you email me (dancingwithfred@yahoo.com) the address of where you're at now I can send it to you. I'm too tired to tell you what I want to tell you the way I want to tell you right now so I'll tell you later. But telling you this takes no thought: I love you.
I hope you can forgive me.
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