worst christmas ever. well, second worst. i think the worst christmas ever was the one right after my mom died, when we were all trying to pretend like it was a normal, happy holiday when it was very, very clear that is was not at all. christmas is my favorite holiday. i love it even more than my birthday. i look forward to christmas all year. it is the one day when my whole family gets together, and we have so much fun, and there is good food and good company and everyone enjoying each other. i love it. at my house, christmas eve is really the main event. my dad's whole family (his parents, my uncle and his two daughters, his sister, his adopted brother) come over, as well as my mom's sister and her two kids, and my second mom and my three older half siblings. i love it. and the day always goes like this: at about 2, kathleen picks us up for the christmas mass at st. rose, and the six of us (kathleen and five kids) go to mass, and then look at christmas lights on the way to the house where dinner and festivities and some presents take place. this year, everything went wrong.
things that are wrong:
1. pierpaolo and i had to work, which put the kibosh on mass.
2. kathleen is mad at dad for basically being dad, and i feel like it is all my fault because i crashed the car, and she and the older kids didn't come or call or anything. they sent presents, but i am not opening them out of protest. all i really wanted was them, and if they thought that some stupid whatever that they bought at a store was going to make it all better, then that crushes me.
it is the only time that i really get to see my siblings all together. they are all grown up and busy and don't live here, and i never see them, and i miss them much more than i have the courage to let them know. not seeing them crushed me. having kathleen choose to not come see us, especially since i haven't seen her since one of the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life (driving over myself, which although it sounds funny, and we joke about it, was terrifying, and i have nightmares about it. and while the crutches are funny, the pain isn't.) is really hard for me to handle. i can't handle that she would rather be mad at daddy for something stupid than be with us on christmas.
i mean, how many mommys do i have to lose before it is enough?
but i was going to be ok, because everyone else was coming out in full force, and kassi was coming to meet my family and have christmas with us, and i was so so so so so excited to have her come, because as much as i complain about them, my family really does mean everything to me. things go wrong right off the bat, with my grandpa making an example of me in front of my cousins and lecturing me on how i should have handled the car so as to avoid almost killing myself. because i wasn't already aware that i had messed up? lovely.
kassi showed up, everyone loved her. she did great with them. dinner was delicious, and everything was going well. kerry and greg were playing and fighting the way they always do. but i guess not? he drank too much and she pushed him too hard, and he snapped and started yelling at her and screaming about how she needed a reality check and a good ass kicking, and there was much storming, and more swearing than i had ever heard from him, and he left. now, since he now hates my sister, i don't know if/when we're going to see him again. it scared the shit out of me, and really was more than i could handle. i hate when people fight.
christmas (eve) is my favorite holiday, and pretty much my favorite day of the year. and it is completely ruined. i now officially hate holidays. i hate all the pressure put on them, and how stressed everyone gets. i never cared about the presents, but i resent every box and bag under that tree now for making my family so tense. all i wanted was for the people i love to get together and enjoy each other. now, all i want is for it to be over. ruined. ruined. ruined. and no amount of tissue paper and ribbons and perfect sweaters and tape can fix it. and i hate that.
i think this is the feeling you get when you know your childhood is officially over.
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2 comments:
I love you, Erin. Let's make up our own holiday, okay? As soon as I get back from Colorado. It won't have any presents involved and I'll just hug your uninjured head and we can watch Scrubs, or Friends, or Firefly, or whatever. I'll even watch something ridiculous with you. Like the OC, or Gilmore Girls, or One Tree Hill, or (God forbid) Grey's Anatomy. And then maybe we'll make waffles. Yeah. Waffles. Because waffles are guaranteed to make anybody feel better.
I miss you.
I haven't had any good Christmases since I was a kid but I can only really remember one. There is so much drama in my extended family and my immediate family is dysfunctional so I don't expect to have the kind of holidays I'd like to have. The stress sucks but only if you procrastinate like I did this year. I got everything done in a timely matter last year and it went very smoothly. This is year was pretty horrible though. *sigh*
But anyway, since I'm no longer a kid and not yet an adult, I'm just waiting for and really excited for when I have my own kids so I can make sure they have the kind of Christmas I've always wanted. It makes me feel better that Christmas will be good again someday. I don't know if that helps.
I'm sorry Christmas for you was awful this year. I hope a better and happier one awaits you next year.
And when I have those kids and that cute, little house with the fireplace and big backyard, you and your kids are welcome to join us for Christmas. :) Love you.
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