i need you so much closer

Ear Candy: "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie

i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.

in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.

i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?

i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.

i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

no love this time, as there is none left for me.

~e