I wouldn't like me if I met me...

Ear Candy: "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara

I have always known that I am not perfect. That there are things about me that I am not incredibly fond of. I know there are things I don't do well, things I could improve on. But it is not until these things are put in front of me in black and white, in the words of someone whose opinion matters most to me, that I have decided that there is something wrong with me that can no longer be ignored. I have often spent time re-evaluating myself and my personal character after conflicts with other people, and usually the conclusion I reach is that I kick ass and they can't handle it. However, the common denominator in all of these scenarios is me, and maybe there is something to be said for that. Plus, it feels different when the negative opinion is one that I actually care about. So, rather then completely giving up on myself, I have decided to put together a little MTV Made project for myself, only I am not going to put it on tv, because those people look sad.

To Do List:
- learn to take criticism better
- learn to listen to others better
- begin to conquer my fear of failure
- get over my fear of looking stupid in front of other people
- play my drums better (where other people can witness it)
- calm down
- do something new and exciting just for me once a week.

I think that this has the potential to be good. At the very least, it is something to get me out of bed.

e

you turned me into somebody loved

Ear Candy: "Somebody Loved" by The Weepies

last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.

i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.

and i still am.

It's always prettier in Icelandic

Ear Candy: "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" by Sigor Ros


The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.

That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.

e

so who's gonna watch you die?

Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie

...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.

i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.