Ear Candy: "Always" by Blink 182
I am in this amazing place right now, and I am loving every minute of it here. But there is a part of me that is always looking into the future, always planning and dreaming. Since being here, I have come up with a much clearer and more cemented vision of the life that I want for myself, and it feels really good. I have solidly landed on a major and a career path, which puts my educational goals into a clearer perspective. And as soon as I get home, I have amazing things waiting for me: a hair cut (YES!), a job with rad people (and a raise), a fun play to work on, an amazing schedule, my wonderful friends, and a very special boy. All in all, things are looking good. In honor of such, I have decided to put together another list of things that I want to do in the future:
• Get my toes done. It’s silly and little, but it makes feel pretty, and I don’t get to do it very often.
• Go to the river. I didn’t go all summer, and it was lame.
• Go back to Yosemite.
• Other camping.
• Learn to snow board.
• Learn to sew better.
• Ice skating.
• I want to eventually spend a summer working in Yosemite at one of the lodges.
• See more plays. (Rosie and Bryan, I’m talking to you.)
• Officially get into the management certificate program.
• Learn to play piano
• Get better at French and Russian
• ROAD TRIP
• Go to Alaska to see the Northern Lights (and the puffins!)
• Travel around California to see my friends that are now more spread out.
• Learn to drive stick shift.
• Go to the beach. I miss it so much.
I am excited. It’s a really good feeling.
I miss you. And I love you.
E
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
love is a place
Ear Candy: "Love is a Place" by Metric
the end of another summer. i officially needed more than just my quilt last night on my bed to be warm. scattered all over my room are the remnants from other summers, and i keep having the weirdest flashes back to what it felt like to be in those moments, and how odd it feels to not be there anymore. i guess this is what growing up feels like. i am not sure how i feel about it yet... but since i can't fix it or stop it or fight it, i guess maybe i should go with it. i keep feeling like it is happening too fast, or like one day i will wake up and suddenly feel ready to take on all of this. maybe i already am, and i just don't know it? maybe, growing up is just becoming more aware of the things that were already true. when did i become some sort of cheap knock off of the dalai lama?
"you shed not a single tear for the things you did not need, because you knew you were finally free"
i leave in three weeks for london. that snuck up on me. i still can't quite picture it yet, but i think i am excited. mostly, i am terrified. and sad. because the people that i love are all going off on their own paths, and i support that fully. but it doesn't make me any less sad to see the little family we've built for ourselves drift away. i can only hope that the people i care about have some inkling of how much i really do love them, and how very proud of them i am, regardless of where i am, or they are. i have mostly been quite lucky with the people who i find in my life. why do i always get sappy and sentimental at the end of summer? i guess this is when reality sets in.
when i get home in 15 weeks, i know there will be a life waiting for me, but what will it look like? who will be in it? what will i look like? i am standing on the brink of the oblivion, and i can't quite see through the fog... but i guess that they were right when they said that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? for me, fear looks like uncertainty.
i guess i just have to trust that things will fall in to place in the right way, and that the best possible future is the one whose path i am on...? how rsbs is that?!
wish me luck as i jump into the unknown.
wherever you are, i love you.
e
the end of another summer. i officially needed more than just my quilt last night on my bed to be warm. scattered all over my room are the remnants from other summers, and i keep having the weirdest flashes back to what it felt like to be in those moments, and how odd it feels to not be there anymore. i guess this is what growing up feels like. i am not sure how i feel about it yet... but since i can't fix it or stop it or fight it, i guess maybe i should go with it. i keep feeling like it is happening too fast, or like one day i will wake up and suddenly feel ready to take on all of this. maybe i already am, and i just don't know it? maybe, growing up is just becoming more aware of the things that were already true. when did i become some sort of cheap knock off of the dalai lama?
"you shed not a single tear for the things you did not need, because you knew you were finally free"
i leave in three weeks for london. that snuck up on me. i still can't quite picture it yet, but i think i am excited. mostly, i am terrified. and sad. because the people that i love are all going off on their own paths, and i support that fully. but it doesn't make me any less sad to see the little family we've built for ourselves drift away. i can only hope that the people i care about have some inkling of how much i really do love them, and how very proud of them i am, regardless of where i am, or they are. i have mostly been quite lucky with the people who i find in my life. why do i always get sappy and sentimental at the end of summer? i guess this is when reality sets in.
when i get home in 15 weeks, i know there will be a life waiting for me, but what will it look like? who will be in it? what will i look like? i am standing on the brink of the oblivion, and i can't quite see through the fog... but i guess that they were right when they said that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? for me, fear looks like uncertainty.
i guess i just have to trust that things will fall in to place in the right way, and that the best possible future is the one whose path i am on...? how rsbs is that?!
wish me luck as i jump into the unknown.
wherever you are, i love you.
e
Monday, March 30, 2009
it's bad enough that my dad doesn't really want to be my dad. he has more pictures of his girlfriend and her kid on his desk than he does of his own kids. there are no pictures of me or my sister, but three of his girlfriend, and two of her daughter. that bitch already has a dad, why the fuck does she need mine?
now, my dad has decided to completely cut me off financially, because he has decided that i shop too much? which is weird, because the last time i went shopping, i was in london, and that was the only time this year i had used his credit card for anything besides food and gas, which i guess he is tired of paying for.
but the part about this that is so frustrating, is that he justifies it by saying that he is taking kerry's credit card away too. however, kerry is going to college next fall, where she will have a meal plan, so she doesn't need to worry about buying food, and she can't have a car, so she doesn't need to pay for gas. i feel like my dad is only ok with this because it it no way affects my sister. if he had to pick between us, we all know he would pick her. and the worst part about that is that he doesn't even try to hide that. he is throwing her a graduation party... i got into every college i applied to when i graduated, and my dad told me that i couldn't have a graduation party, or send out announcements, because i hadn't really accomplished anything. he wasn't that proud of me... however, my sister, who only got into three (and two of them were Chico and Humboldt) of the ten schools she applied to is having a big graduation party, and aren't we all so fucking proud of kerry... i was informed today also that my birthday dinner will have to be postponed in favor of a graduation dinner for kerry, since my dad doesn't want to have to bring my grandma down more than once that month.
and since my sister is unaffected by this, she doesn't give a fuck. and she is picking on me for being so upset. which is so weird, because when she whines at me to go get her something for dinner, i am curious how she thinks i pay for it... when she whines that her car needs an oil change, and i switch cars with her for the day, how does she think i pay for that? with my minimum wage job and my ten hours a week? no.
and i know i sound like such a bratty, spoiled rich girl. but i really don't give a fuck. my dad doesn't pay attention to me, doesn't really care about me, or any of my interests, and opts to throw money at me because it was easier. now, he isn't even doing that... he has retracted the only thing that he does to show me that he is even aware i exist. so please, spare me all of the stories about how i could have it so much worse. how you all have had to survive with less, whatever... because this is about so much more than the fact that my dad took my credit card away (by the way, closing that account totally FUCKS my credit score. fantastic.) he basically told me that since i am almost 20, i am no longer his problem, and he's done. fantastic.
now, my dad has decided to completely cut me off financially, because he has decided that i shop too much? which is weird, because the last time i went shopping, i was in london, and that was the only time this year i had used his credit card for anything besides food and gas, which i guess he is tired of paying for.
but the part about this that is so frustrating, is that he justifies it by saying that he is taking kerry's credit card away too. however, kerry is going to college next fall, where she will have a meal plan, so she doesn't need to worry about buying food, and she can't have a car, so she doesn't need to pay for gas. i feel like my dad is only ok with this because it it no way affects my sister. if he had to pick between us, we all know he would pick her. and the worst part about that is that he doesn't even try to hide that. he is throwing her a graduation party... i got into every college i applied to when i graduated, and my dad told me that i couldn't have a graduation party, or send out announcements, because i hadn't really accomplished anything. he wasn't that proud of me... however, my sister, who only got into three (and two of them were Chico and Humboldt) of the ten schools she applied to is having a big graduation party, and aren't we all so fucking proud of kerry... i was informed today also that my birthday dinner will have to be postponed in favor of a graduation dinner for kerry, since my dad doesn't want to have to bring my grandma down more than once that month.
and since my sister is unaffected by this, she doesn't give a fuck. and she is picking on me for being so upset. which is so weird, because when she whines at me to go get her something for dinner, i am curious how she thinks i pay for it... when she whines that her car needs an oil change, and i switch cars with her for the day, how does she think i pay for that? with my minimum wage job and my ten hours a week? no.
and i know i sound like such a bratty, spoiled rich girl. but i really don't give a fuck. my dad doesn't pay attention to me, doesn't really care about me, or any of my interests, and opts to throw money at me because it was easier. now, he isn't even doing that... he has retracted the only thing that he does to show me that he is even aware i exist. so please, spare me all of the stories about how i could have it so much worse. how you all have had to survive with less, whatever... because this is about so much more than the fact that my dad took my credit card away (by the way, closing that account totally FUCKS my credit score. fantastic.) he basically told me that since i am almost 20, i am no longer his problem, and he's done. fantastic.
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