Ear Candy: "In My Life" by The Beatles
Everything is poised in such a way that makes me think that I should be really happy with the way my life is going. But, for whatever reason, I'm not. I am doing well in school, and I like all of my classes. I feel like there is finally a chance that I could get what I want from all of this hard work, like it could all actually ammount to something. And in the theatre, everyone keeps telling me what a great job I am doing, and I am loving my work there. And I have an amazing boyfriend who I feel so lucky to have. And yet, I'm still not happy.
Harry died last week, and I know that is a large part of why I am so upset. I loved him so much. I still do. He was my mom's dog, and as stupid as it sounds, he was like having a piece of her around. A living, breathing part that could love me, and check up on me. He was always so intuitive, and I was sure that was why. It was kind of like losing her again. The next day, my house felt colder. Kerry left, and my dad doesn't really want to be there. It was nice having another living thing to come home to, one who was happy to see me. Now, it feels like I have nothing to come home to, like there is no such thing as home.
Lately, people keep telling me how unpleasant I am, in so many words. LDL, the director of my play, told me my voice was severe and unpleasant, and that I have no warmth. And lately, Charley has been telling me that I am too hard on him, or that I am mean to him, and it broke my heart a little bit to hear that. Because I try so hard to express how much I care about the people in my life, and I try to be kind, and respectful, and compassionate, and it always seems to fall flat. I think I am just emotionally retarded or something. It just sucks to feel like the people who see me at my most vulnerable maybe don't see me at all.
Every time someone tells me that I am mean, or scary, or severe, or cold, it breaks my heart a little, and cripples my patchy self-esteem. It makes me question what kind of awful person would ever be able to love a monster like the one I am described as. It makes me worry that there maybe isn't someone for everyone, and that means that there might not be someone for me, that I could spend the rest of my life looking for someone who makes me happy who feels the same way about me, but that I maybe don't have that effect on people.
Emo panda. Ugh. Time to buck the fuck up.
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