Texas Smells Like a Hangover

Ear Candy: "Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco

Have you ever had the feeling that you are going to cry at any moment, and you have absolutely no idea why? (I am not sure why I am addressing that to 'you', as I am pretty sure that no one reads this. But that is ok, because I guess I do this for me and not everyone else, right? Right. I like being right...) But anyway, I am having that kind of feeling... It could be the fact that I have a very depressing play list rocking the iPod, or the thought of all of these family/love related holidays approaching (i.e. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day (ok, so in four months, but I like to think on the big scale...)) and I get to be alone on them, or maybe it is simply the everyday suckage that life ushers in. Whatever the case, fuck it. I am tired of this funk that I am in right now. I was so pissed off today, and I was really not even sure why. My new German jacket is awesome, my hair wasn't even curling, and there had been no serious brawls in my house this morning involving the flinging of breakfast foods (see yesterday morning). But I was just bothered! And did I even have any right to be? My whatever is so inconsequential in comparison to the plights of the rest of the world. I want to be in Asia. I want to help those people. To grab them and hug them and cry with them and tell them that everything will be ok. Because I so desperately want everything to just be ok. For everyone. Haven't we had enough of this yet? And my heart goes out to those in my everyday life, to those with difficult decisions to make, and perhaps even more so to those who have already made their choices.

I can't stop thinking about this quote Mr. Schloemp said at the beginning of the Children's Hour, "no one willingly chooses evil, they are simply confused about what is good". I know that I for one have never even thought that anything that I do, or decisions that I make are the wrong ones. But that is rather snobby and self righteous isn't it? I mean, think about it... I know I do.

Song change: "Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavigne

Wow, I really like this song. I want to write down the words and then wear them. I hear the song and feel it. Wow, now I sound completely ludicrous, and perhaps even more hippie than usual... But as lame as it is, this song is great. Her new album (well, new-er) is fab. I really didn't like the last one and the emphasis on image that the last one had, but this one is definitely worth listening to.

I am an empty shell. It’s like I have forgotten how to feel. I am sleeping, and I forgot how to wake up. But what if my proverbial alarm goes off and I sleep forever? But at the same time, there are people that I love, and I am scared to love them. I am scared to let people know I have feelings, or whatever. I hate opening up, I always get screwed over and hurt. Look at me bitching. Pas chouette.

I want to be a princess. Mostly because I like going to balls (I have never been to one, but they look fun!) And also because if I am a princess, I think it ups my chances of being carried off by a shining knight with a white horse into the sunset and living happily ever after. SO what happens when I've picked the knight and I am not sure he is down with happily ever after? Or hey, princesses also seem to get kidnapped and conquered when the palace gets stormed. I'm down. (Sorry... Is the frustration showing a bit?)

Song change: "At the Stars" by Better than Ezra

Wow, I have really lost my mind over break. It's not that I have gone crazy, simply lost the ability to think. Also pas chouette. I blame school for my newly discovered mental retardation. It is really not good on me. Everyone made friends without me. If this was P.E., I would get picked last for every team for every game. That's why I swim: no one has to pick me. I pick myself, and we are going to go swim. By ourselves. Did I just become two people?

SO it has been brought to my attention that I never write in this. Point. Originally I made this simply so I could comment on other people's journals... But now I am going to put this to good use, or attempt to anyway... I generally only write in these things when I have something to say. I am not sure if I do, but we'll see...

If you are reading this, know that I love you.

Love, E