I might never reach you...

Ear Candy: "Writing to Reach You" by Travis

I am not saying divorce. I am not saying never again, and I am not saying hate. But I am tired. Tired of all of this. I feel like I am speaking fucking Japanese or something. I am probably a little therapy brat, but I honestly feel like things can be fixed by talking. They can, but only if you are listening. But you hear what you want to hear. And that isn't anything that I am saying. I have been screaming at you, crying at you, whispering, anything and everything, just trying to reach you. To make you hear me. And I don't think you ever will. I loved you. I love you. I would have done anything for you. What we were was real. But you threw it away on the pursuit of something that will never be real. And I can't wait forever for you to figure that all out.

It is not about the boy. I need to make that very clear. Because as far as he goes, you two deserve each other. (And yes, you could have said no. You could have handled it gracefully, or tactfully, or thinking even a little bit... But there is no attention to be gained from doing it that way. Did you get your applause?) It is what he represents, the fact that you always have, and always will put yourself and trivial wants before us. And so often have I given up what I wanted to satisfy you. And I am really not sure how you have repaid me. You abandoned me, knife to the heart style, last year when I needed you more than ever. Sure, maybe I keep throwing it in your face. And yeah, you apologized for that, but we never talked about it. Not really anyway. And it still stings like it was yesterday. It killed me, and you laugh it off like it was nothing. No more trivial than you losing a shirt you borrowed.

You aren't being the girl I know. Why do you need fake love so much? And if you want love, then why are you pushing away all the people who really care about you? And here is what I don't understand: How no matter what, I am always the one who will get hurt. Everytime, you get you get your trophy, and I get my heartache.

I feel like I am crying more than laughing with/because of you now adays... Were things ever good with us, or was it always like this? Last night, I kept remembering bad things that just made me so upset. I want all this bad to go away. But honestly, nothing you say will fix anything. Because your words are empty. You say one thing, and then the next minute you are off doing the exact thing I just told you was killing me.

You will probably read this. You will do what you always do, get defensive and mad and say, "Erin is such a selfish bitch!". Then cry to everyone, try to turn them against me, get your support team behind you to glare at me and not hug me good bye, ignore everything that I am saying, and then tell me you love me, and apologize, tell me how confused and sad and ugly and horrible you are and how you need me. And then nothing will change. Don't get defensive, just open your eyes.

Am I a bitch for posting this? Quite possibly, but it needs to be said. I am not holding this in anymore, it is poison on my soul, and I need to [finally] do something for me.

I quit.

If you heard a fucking word I just said, or even bothered to read this whole thing, I love you.

~E