I'll never forget what I've lost...

Ear Candy: The Chemical Brothers

I haven't updated in a while, I know... I suck! There are so many times that I have sat down to impose my thoughts on you, and when it came down to it, the words wouldn't come. I have been a shell, an empty person who can talk and walk and function, oh how life like. But when it comes down to it, I am a shell of who I am capable of being. I touch the fire just to feel the burn, just to feel anything. It's cold.

Sheri died. I couldn't cry, but something inside of my broke. I kept thinking back to Lorelei and Scott, back to my friend Maddie who died in an accident when I was nine. Faces layered over faces, all retreating back where I can't follow. Oh, how emo am I? Fuck that. There is so much to be living for right now, there always is, so why am I dwelling? On Saturday, I was dressed for the memorial at three. At three fifty, I couldn't get in the car and go. I went upstairs and put on my Oxford shirt and jeans, and went for a very long hike in Annadel while eating strawberries. I sat on a bench and just thought, about her, about life, everything and everyone. I cried, but I was smiling. I felt connected to everything, and I liked that feeling. That night I hung out with Steffie, and it was really nice to go sit at Borders and eat truffles. I think I liked the feeling of the past's better memories not being all too far away. The exception was that I had much better hair this time around.

I dont't think I tell the people I love that I love them enough. I hope they know. I can't handle losing anyone else. I hate funerals. Sitting around crying about death seems so horrible to me, because we can't change it, and I don't like feeling helpless. Sitting around crying just makes me feel bad, I would rather remember them as they were. I can't look tragedy in the face anymore.

I am tired. I need a break, but it doesn not look as though one will be presenting itself in the near future. Weeks are so long, but there is never enough time to do all of the things that I need to do, not even close... And weekends, well those have never been long enough.

I am kind of rambling, not really saying anything, so I think that I am done for now... I wish I had found the words I wanted out.

If you have things figured out, I'm jealous, but I love you.

~E