It's better to have loved...

Ear Candy: "It's better to have" by Temposhark

I wrote this after Jello's party, and never got around to posting it...

... all the children picked them.

I went home and cried tonight. I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I feel like I/ we have lost all of our innocence. We spent our childhoods pretending to be grown ups, and then we grew up too fast. Is this what we wanted? Like things aren't working out how we planned. Things are wrong, we're so jaded... There's drugs and booze and sex and we're living like rock stars without a second thought. Maybe without a first one either.
I hurt so deeply for him, because I know how hard it is to miss the family that we love so much.
I cried for her, because she is so mixed up, and turned around, and I want to help her, because I love her. But I don't know how.
I cry for the best friend I never see, who I feel like I am drifting from.
I hurt for the best friend I see every day, who I feel like I have lost.
I hurt for the one who takes a secret pleasure in the pain, because he is desperate to feel a connection. Or maybe because he loves the power.
... for the one I can't understand, but try so hard to.
... for the girl who loves everything and everyone so much. I hope so much that she is feeling it back.
... the girl who got lost, and i don't know how to find her.
... the one who needs to be better.

But most of all, I miss feeling like I mattered in people's lives, like it was important that I be there... I miss my friends. Even when I see them, I feel separate and awkward. Unwanted. Tonight I watched everyone drinking and partying and having fun. I laughed, and hugged and participated. Why did I leave feeling like the night was empty? I want to hug everyone, and kiss them on the forehead and drink fall spices with them and talk to them and fix everything. And make it good like when we were Lost in SanFranslation. We got lost in the damn Mission district and were smiling, why aren't we now?

... i hate parties.

If you remeber that you love me, i love you.

~E