relax, tree trunk

"why are you here?"
"to fuck you. and then go home, if that's all right."



"you know there are no happy endings in our future, don't you?"

The girl who had made you her own, and then you left her alone...

Ear Candy: "Star Mile" by Joshua Radin

i would love it if, just once, you picked me.

i know i sound whiny, but it's just not fair.

I'm alone, on a bicycle for two

Ear Candy: "Black Hole" by She & Him

even if all this time a part is for the best (i'm still not entirely convinced), it doesn't make me miss you any less.

what sucks the most is that you're happier now that i'm gone.

i don’t believe anything is lost forever, it think that sometimes you just have to work extra hard to find it again.

My Grande Finale at SRJC

Ear Candy: None. It's early and I am trying not to be too awake.

MONDAY/WEDNESDAY:
7:30 - 9:00: English 1B
9:00 - 12:00: Art 7A
12:00 - 1:00: Pilates
3:00 - 5:00: Math 15

TUESDAY/THURSDAY:
9:00 - 10:30: Sociology 1
1:30 - 12:00: Psych 1B

Not too shabby, it is 17 units... But it is a far cry from any schedule I have had so far. Let's see how this works out!

E

I wouldn't like me if I met me...

Ear Candy: "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara

I have always known that I am not perfect. That there are things about me that I am not incredibly fond of. I know there are things I don't do well, things I could improve on. But it is not until these things are put in front of me in black and white, in the words of someone whose opinion matters most to me, that I have decided that there is something wrong with me that can no longer be ignored. I have often spent time re-evaluating myself and my personal character after conflicts with other people, and usually the conclusion I reach is that I kick ass and they can't handle it. However, the common denominator in all of these scenarios is me, and maybe there is something to be said for that. Plus, it feels different when the negative opinion is one that I actually care about. So, rather then completely giving up on myself, I have decided to put together a little MTV Made project for myself, only I am not going to put it on tv, because those people look sad.

To Do List:
- learn to take criticism better
- learn to listen to others better
- begin to conquer my fear of failure
- get over my fear of looking stupid in front of other people
- play my drums better (where other people can witness it)
- calm down
- do something new and exciting just for me once a week.

I think that this has the potential to be good. At the very least, it is something to get me out of bed.

e

you turned me into somebody loved

Ear Candy: "Somebody Loved" by The Weepies

last night i dreamed that we fixed things. we were looking at pictures that were never really taken. you were still pudgy, and spike had braces. and we were all laughing at them in the least mean way possible. and then i slipped my arm around your waist and squeezed you in a playful side-hug. and you hugged back. and then we hugged for real. and it was tight and a little desperate, as if we couldn't get close enough. and i could smell you so distinctly i swore it was for real.

i woke up feeling ok for a moment, thinking that it was all ok. i almost called you. then i noticed that my pillow was soaked with tears, and i was still crying.

and i still am.

It's always prettier in Icelandic

Ear Candy: "Inní mér syngur vitleysingur" by Sigor Ros


The worst part of breaking up is how you hate everything that you used to love because it reminds you of when you were happy, and not empty like now. The music I used to love now breaks my heart further into tiny pieces. The places I used to love to go (the beach, the aquarium, the park, my bed..) they all hurt to think about. And the boy I used to love. Who I still love so much it hurts... It would be better if I could hate him too. I think it might feel better. I hate him for doing this to me, for dropping me so suddenly. But I don't hate him at all, and that is so much of what hurts. I wish I could just make this all go away. Go to a place where I had never met him, and never fell in love with him, so that I never have to feel this pain. (Although I think that I would rather take the pain then have to give up the last year of my life, although it has only been two days of indescribable hurt, so we'll see...) I hate myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to drop him as quickly as it felt like he dropped me. I would so love to demonize him, to make him a monster who never cared... And while everything that has happened between us is now up for consideration, and I wonder how much I could have ever meant to him, I know that he is not the terrible person I would so love to think that he is. The truth is that he meant, and still does mean the world to me, and what breaks my heart is that he doesn't feel the same. That he doesn't love me. That there was something about me that made him not want to stay, that made him not want to fix it, there was and probably still is something about me that keeps him from being able to love me.

That's the worst part about break ups: the only person I really end up hating is myself.

e

so who's gonna watch you die?

Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie

...probably no one.
i think i'm unloveable.

i don't know how i am going to get through this...
when you get your heart broken, your best friend makes it better. mine broke my heart.

please don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them

Ear Candy: "These Days" by Mates of State

i can't remember the last time my picture was taken. i have no recent pictures of me, and not really any pictures of me with my friends. what seems strange about this is that i am often at events where lots of pictures are taken, but never any of me. i am not even lurking in the background. the last picture of me that i remember having taken was when we were walking in to outside lands and spike and andy and ben all agreed that i looked like a dude in it. fabulous.

halloween: n. 1. a holiday that no matter how much hoping, optimism, and careful planning is put into it, it will always be a huge disappointment.

2. one of erin sweeney's top five least favorite days of the year, and 4th least favorite holiday (3rd if you, like me, don't consider Columbus Day to be a holiday.)

i was stupid this year and bought a costume thinking that my plans would work out the way i wanted them to. i always get such high hopes for Halloween, because in my head it is this really amazing, super fun day where me and all my friends dress up and go to parties and have an amazing time. what is strange is that that has NEVER happened. it is now looking like it will be a night of me sitting home pretending we might get trick or treaters. rosie and i might go see zach and miri make a porno tonight, which would be fun.

i am also extremely concerned that my blog is rapidly becoming repetitive and boring. i am working on being more interesting, although it isn't really panning out right now.

i just want to feel like i don't have to try SO HARD to be a part of something. and also, i am super tired of being bailed on. it gets old super fast.

whatever. time to go dress up as a person who gives a fuck about halloween!

erin

i need you so much closer

Ear Candy: "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie

i am shattered. completely broken. and i hate that i can never hear this song again, because it is truly beautiful.

in my head, i wanted to be so poised, so graceful, every inch the woman my mom would have wanted me to be. but as soon as i saw you, i melted. i knew from your face i wasn't going to walk away happy. it's never a good sign when you need to talk to me in person. especially following a week of you ignoring me. you made me wait almost an hour to get my heart broken. that's not very polite. or considerate. but why would you start considering me now? i never wanted to be the girl that cried, "please don't do this!" and now you have walked out with several target bags of emotional baggage and birthday gifts, my broken heart, and my dignity. i never wanted you to see me cry. i don't even like that you saw me without my make up. it used to not be a problem, back when i was safe with you, but now it makes me vulnerable and bare. overexposed. i hate you for doing this to me. because all i ever did, and all i ever wanted was just you. to love you. to have you. to be yours. i can't bring myself to delete the pictures of us smiling and laughing under the rv in the rain in sonoma on january 26th when we went to the shop and you told everyone that i was the girl that you picked. i would give anything to go back to that. to have you hold me, and feel warm and safe. i can't believe i will never feel that again. i will never smell you on me, or get to pretend that i hate it when your beard pulls hair out of my pony tail. the truth is that i love that. i hate that i wasn't enough for you, i tried so hard to be. and i hate that when you said good bye, you used my name, and the sound of it felt like a knife.

i hate that the last thing i said to you was "bull shit." this whole thing is bull shit. i don't believe you. how could you tell me you loved me? and kiss me like you meant it when you knew you didn't? why would you let me think that you did?

i want back the piece of me i gave you. i am cold. and empty. and broken. and i forgot a person could hurt like this. all i want is you. i hate that you don't want me back. it breaks my heart. and what is worse is that you are the only person i want to talk to. all i want to do is call you, and make you make me feel better. beg you to take it back. i can be better, i promise. i feel like i just lost my best friend. and i really, really need him right now.

i loved you more then you could ever possibly know. i still do. so what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

no love this time, as there is none left for me.

~e

Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better...

Ear Candy: "Get Better" by Mates of State

I haven’t been very consistent with updating this thing.
I am not actually sure that anyone cares that I don’t update, or even read this, but whatever…
Basically, life has been really shitty lately. I feel like I am in a funk, and I am having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of it. I want to do better, to be better, but I don’t do anything to fix it, and I can’t find the motivation anywhere to fix things. And then I feel guilt and stress and more unhappiness because I am not doing as well as I should be. I am drowning in my school work, which takes up so much of my time. And when I am not doing school, I am working. I work all the time now. I like my job so much, and the people I work with are awesome, but it is very consuming. I am there every day.

I don’t see anyone anymore, and I am feeling really forgotten. Sometimes I am talking to Andy when other people call him to hang out. I don’t get calls anymore. I hear through the grapevine (read: blogs and Andy) about movies and A’romas visits and whatnot that no one even thinks to call me for. I know that I am busy with school a lot, and that I am not always free. But I feel really forgotten. I miss last fall, when there was a group of us who did stuff. There were dinners, and movie nights and basketball until 3 AM. I miss that. I don’t even know when people are playing shows anymore, and no one calls me when I am not at things. Or, worse, people go ahead without me on plans that I had been a part of. I am not important enough to be a part of plans I helped to create.

And on the rare occasion that I am included in things, and can’t go because I have a family obligation (Kerry just threw her back out and my dad isn’t fully healed from his surgery) or work, or school, I am left to feel guilty. Like I am a bad person for not being able to find enough hours in the day.

Our Halloween plans fell through. I am really disappointed. I was so excited about dressing up with everyone. I usually don’t know what I am going to be for Halloween, so not having to do it so last minute was nice. And the feeling of being included in this was my favorite part, because I don’t feel that way very often. I don’t play in anyone’s band, and I can’t draw, so I don’t make the shirts or the posters. I’m left out of everything. I just kind of hang on at the sides, but this was something I was a part of, and that felt really good. Like that one time Spike told me that if no one else could do it, he wanted me to sell his merch. But I now feel like I got ditched as soon as a better offer came along. Which is basically a culmination in itself of how I feel. Replaced. Forgotten. Unimportant. Like a last resort.

Also, my grandma died. She was my Aunt Shannon’s mom, so not my actual grandmother, but yeah, she was my grandma. We did holidays with her, I called her grandma, and it all happened so fast, which made it even worse. And, as always, every time someone dies, it piles on. It brings up every other person I loved who isn’t there anymore. We have officially entered funeral season, and it came earlier than I was prepared for.

I just feel like I am never going to do anything, or get anywhere, or matter.
And it fucking sucks.


(P.S. James: I am glad you like the shampoo/body wash/lotion.)

~E

baby, you can drive my car

because i probably can't.

Ear Candy: "Drive My Car" by The Beatles

now i'm fucked.
erin got in too many car accidents. so the lovely california dmv is making her go down there and sit before a review board to determine whether or not she should be allowed to keep driving. they could suspend her license for up to five years. FABULOUS! the shit keeps piling up.

what are the chances that anyone would be willing to write erin a letter of reference saying she actually knows how to drive a car? it could be helpful in saving her license. she'd owe you big time.

thank you.

erin (and apparently the other person who speaks for her.)

i drowned in mine

Ear Candy: "Run in the Front" by Dear and the Headlights

i'm drowning.
i just miss feeling like i mattered.
people only call me when they need something. i love that people feel that they can count on me. i hate that i can't count on them.
i don't want to be that girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend, but it looks like it might be the case for a while.
i hate feeling pathetic and whiny. but i do.
i am scared that james will be too grown up when he gets home, that he'll be too different, and have all of his cool france friends and won't want me anymore. like rosie did.
i hate feeling like no one has noticed how unhappy i've been. worse, i feel like no one cares.
i hate feeling like a burden. like an inconvenience to the people who are supposed to want to be around me.
i don't like that no one wants to hear my side of things, because it's easier to just pass judgments.
i hate feeling squeezed out.
i hate feeling like i am always trying to make people hear me.
i miss feeling amazing.
i hate that i am scared to write in my blog because it can be used against me.
mostly, i am really upset that i don't get a birthday this year. not because of prom. but because if i had a party, no one would come. i'm not going to embarrass myself like that.
even if people did come, it would only be because it's an excuse to party and get drunk, and not because they were there for me. that fucking sucks the worst. because again, i'm a. only seeing them because it's convenient, and b. because i'm doing something for them. a birthday party should be for me.
i hate that i feel like i'm drowning.

e

i've got nothing to do today but smile

Ear Candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel

Things are good today. Andy slept over last night, which was awesome, because I had a really creepy dream, and it woke me up, and he made me feel better. I sleep better when he's there. In other news, I talked to James for hella days today (like, two and a half hours.) it was amazing just to hear his voice, and to be able to catch up. He didn't feel nine thousand miles away, which was nice. It was a good talk. I'm not really saying much, but for some reason i decided that now was a good time to blog. Unfortunately, I think only James reads this, and he already knows we talked. whatev.

Things I want to do in the (somewhat near) future:
-- go roller skating (bonus points if we dress up)
-- go camping
-- go to disneyland
-- go on a road trip somewhere
-- be a better drummer
-- play in a band
-- have a girly sleep over
-- see semi-pro
-- swede a movie
-- have another dinner party
-- have a theme party where people dress up
-- pick James up at the airport
-- hug him until we can't breathe
-- find a hair cut that makes me happy all the time
-- fix my bike
-- fix the van
-- get my tragus pierced again
-- get my toes done

any takers?

if you love adventures, i love you.

~e

sleep on the floor and dream about me

Ear Candy: "Anthem for a 17-Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene

thursday: best valentine's day EVER. i woke up late, and was having one of "those" mornings, my hair wasn't working, and i was running behind, and all sorts of ick. and then kathleen, who has still not spoken to me since the christmas incident, sent me a typed valentine. is there anything that is a bigger face slap than saying "you aren't even important enough for me to write you a card." so i'm storming out my door, and there was a rose and a card in the front seat of my car. AT SIX FUCKING FOURTY FIVE in the morning. amazing. it completely changed my day. i couldn't stop smiling.

after english, which was fun, although it would have been better if it was a beach day, i went to whole foods and then we went back to my house and made dinner, which was even more fun to cook than it was to eat. yummmm. baked ziti, anyone? because i can kick its ass. then we watched the ladykillers, which i didn't love, but whatever... i kind of missed the point.

basically, it was just amazing being together. i got really lucky. it was two days ago, and I'm still glowing.

if you have the glow, I love you. And even if you don't, I still love you.

~E