I Think a Change Will Do You Good

Ear Candy: "A Change" by Sheryl Crow (despite the fact that she is a dirty homewrecker, the song is appropriate)

LALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA!!! I am sooo happy right now!

Now, because I am (apparently) a trend follower (unintentional, everyone just beat me to the inevitable) I have new hair. Well, it is my old hair with a fabulous new twist. I love it! And only two of you have seen it... Whatev, it is fab. I wish everyone a good hair day.

If you are reading this, I love you (and your hair).

I am completely insane. And I love it!

~E

Everytime you close your eyes: Lies! Lies!

Ear Candy: "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

ARG! There are some days where I just hate being me... Katie and I went out for a long run with the dogs this morning and then laid out for a while. I got a fabulous sunburn from the run, so I now have a wife beater burned into my back. Charming. Kerry freaked out on me because I had borrowed her bikini top to tan in (she had all of mine for Hawaii) and then went even crazier when I found a bunch of my stuff (we are talking half a suitcase) in her laundry from the trip when I was putting it in the dryer for her. She started screaming about how I am a liar, and that they aren't my clothes, and that she can't live with me anymore, and she went completely insane, screaming and throwing things, and sobbing... It kind of freaked me out.

I had dinner with my dad and uncle, which is usually fun. Except that my uncle berated me and chastised me and talked down to me for an hour and a half because of last weekend, and basically made me feel like utter shit. So now I am home, alone and miserable because my poor dad who has to put up with all of us, and my sister have gone to the grocery store.

I hate being me right now. I want to cry, but I know I won't. I won't feel better, just stupid for crying. And nothing will be accomplished. Crying only feels good when there is someone to comfort you and to brush the tears off. Doing it yourself feels empty and sad. I am tired of being empty, and of being looked down on and talked down to. I am not a bad person!!! I am not a criminal, or a punked out thug kid with no goals. I have goals! I am a good kid! I have not thrown my life away and ruined my future. My uncle says I have. I wanted my friends to have a place to play, and to have a good time, and now I apparently have no future. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I don't even know anymore. Fuck this, I am so not happy. I need to get out of here. I need to go far away. I need to go to the beach hardcore. I need to go to bed.

If you are reading this, and not just because you have nothing else to do, but because you really want to know what I have to say, I love you.

~E

I'd dig a tunnel from my window to yours

Ear Candy: "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire

Last night made me happy. Dinner on the couch talking and driving in circles makes me feel happy and good and needed and all that wonderful stuff. I have been in a really weird mood lately. Comfortable and very chill, and very tired. Every muscle in my body hurts, and I am on the brink of collapsing. but I have neevr felt more alive. Much flirting with cute boy, much rock (even rock with neg. after effects), much fun with my girls. All of them. I am loving everything and everyone right now. I am happy to be alive. I really wish I could drive. Like, so so so much. Driving = freedom. Erin = wearing an ankle bracelet.

On another note, another friend (totally different from the last pseudo-anonymous rant post) has been making me make my grrrrr face lately. I am not going to use her name, even though I think that it is pretty obvious who it is... But whatever, I'll let you guess, because I am doing this for my own venting purposes, not for gossiping purposes. If I wanted to gossip, I would be saying this, not writing it.

So my friend Velora* has been getting on my nerves hardcore lately. She is one of my oldest friends, and I love her dearly, but I am never quite sure if I even know her! She is rather antisocial, and she never talks. Trying to have a conversation of any substance with her is like pulling teeth, and she is very secretive about everything, which I respect is her style, but it is hard to know someone if they won't let you know them on anything more than a shallow acquaintence basis. She seems confused and like she is struggling to find herself and her place in the world. She is always so desparate to be "non conformist" or "eclectic"and original and artsy. i love ehr, and I think she has an adorable style, but it would be cuter if you knew that it hadn't taken her 45 minutes to get the "I just threw this on" look she has. We never hang out anymore because she is always with her boyfriend, and they don't seem happy at all together. She says she is with him because she made him jump through too many hoops not to be, and he seems like he is with her because she is hot and way out of his league. But they don't seem happy. She is in love hardcore with her exboyfriend, it is obvious that they should be together if you see them together, and yet she isn't. It is hard for me to admit it, but I honestly think that she will be one of the friends that I stop knowing after high school. I miss her! I miss talking to her and getting more than "uh huh..." in response. And sometimes I don't even know if I can trust her to be genuine with anything with me. I miss certainty.

Now don't get me wrong, I love her, and all of my friends very much. Fighting and finding flaws is one of the the things that makes relationships function. No one likes perfect. I personally think that is just because we all wish we were, and we hate what we can't have.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E

Don't Ever Go, Don't Every Leave Me...

Ear Candy: "Naked Girl" by The Velvet Teen

There is nothing I hate more than being lied to. If I can't trust you we have nothing, and there is no quicker way to get me to lose all respect for you than to lie. be yourself, it's what I love you for. And it is the only way you can ever be genuinely happy, I guarantee it. But for fuck's sake, could people please stop lying?

it hurts me that this it what we have come to.

Love, E

Are you still moving?

Ear Candy: A Dozen Roses" by Braid

FUUUUUUUUCK THIS!!!

Ok, so this is going to be a hardcore rant post, I am warning you all now. I am also not going to tell you who the person is, because 1. I don't want to start shit, 2. I don't feel the need to try to sway your opinion of anyone and 3. because it really doesn't matter.

So anyway... I have this friend Julie* who used to be a somewhat less than attractive girl. She was cute, but never in the way she wanted to be. We were really good friends, we had tons of classes together, and we were pretty much two extensions of the same person. Around the beginning of last year, I started hangingout with some other people, but Julie and I were still definitely friends... We would fight from time to time, both being severely dramatic people, so it was nice to have somewhere else to turn. I introduced her to my other friends, and whenall the shit hit the fan, I lost her. But I lost her in more than one way.

I feel like I don't even know who the fuck she is anymore. She changed everything about her, physically and otherwise. She abandoned her principals, her morals, and apparently, her best friend in an attempt to be the person that she thinks everyone else would want her to be... She was more than willing to turn on me and stab me in the back, spilling things that I told her that were by no means meant to be heard. She acts like an air head, always ditzy and flirty with guys, and she will do anything to get ahead. She even changed her name for the most part. It is like two different people, and she can't even see it. I lost her, and she blamed me. I am a constant, she is a new person, and I am not sure that I like her anymore.

I am fuch\king fed up with everyone trying to be someone they aren't, trying to be what will make them "cool". I had a run-in with "cool" this weekend, and it can fucking suck my metaphorical balls. I am so tired of no one being genuine. In a full out Holden Caulfield move, the world is so full of phonies, there is no escape. I always pride myself on being 100% myself and of always thinking for myself, but is she across the room talking about what a phony I am? Damn.

I hate this. All of it. High school and the PJC and hicks and police and parties that make me and my friends cry and have panic attacks can go to hell. F THIS, MOTHER F-ERS (Mormons make me smile)

On a totally random note, I had a great conversation with Shane last night. I love being able to change my negative opinions of people. I love it even more when I make people smile.

Ok, so I am done with this for several reasons:
1. I am quickly losing my ability to type, and it is frustrating me.
2. I am running out of things to say (SHOCK!)
3. I am realizing that it is very apparent who I am talking about, and I am not trying to start shit.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E



*Name has been changed to protect the bitches involved

Days of Suck, Night of Sleeplessness

Ear Candy: "Blue and Yellow" by The Used

Say what you want about the lame factor of the Used, I love this song... And I am exhausted. My body is starting to shut down and cease to function from stress and overwork. I am tired. of trying, of living my life in a medicated haze trying to function, of pretending to be happy when I know I am lying, of having to carry the weight of others, of feeling like a burden when I try to lighten my load. I am scared. I am tired. I need a hug. I want someone to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that everything will work out. I am tired of being the strong one, the one that doesn't cry, the one that can handle anything. I can't. I want to be finished with this goddamn@$@$&$@$%^#Q&%#&%&*@&%&*%#7 film project, and for my dad to not find out about the party, and for this all to work... I want to do something this weekend, I want everyone to be happy and to have someone or something that makes them that way. I have come to resent everything that used to make me happy. I feel like I am six again, and I am being teased and I try to fight back, but I am too small and there are too many of them. It is just too much.

I want my mommy.

I love you.

~E

You love me, but you don't know who I am...

Ear Candy: "The Scientist" by Coldplay

Maybe I don't even know? I have always been, or at least much more recently, who I wanted to be, and I have always had the attitude of "blow me if you don't like it". But if so many people decide they don't like something in me, is it them, or is it me? I have thought for so long that it was them. But why then? Jealousy? Insecureity? We are all insecure about something. I want to be a rock star and hide my insecurity in my words and my music. Guitars make people sexy. I want to fly away from all of this. From everything, and float over it and see how stupid it is. Right now, I can only hover, not so high as to keep my toes from it. I have loved me, I still do. So why can't everyone else? Why is it that love never comes in the way that you need it to when you need it? It works in mysterious ways, and I hate surprises. Another birthday, another year older, closer to leaving and going away and forgetting. Forgetting everything, everyone. Forgetting me. I want to be the one who isn't forgotten, or replaced. I want to be the one that you love regardless.

You are sheerly you and I am small and undefined. Your imperfections make you perfect and mine make me weird and lower my value. You are unique, I am crazy. I am jealous, but I don't want to be you. I don't know what I want. I want to be the favorite. So much competition, not enough positions. No jobs. No open roles. I want to be what you want, but all I am is me. When will that be enough? When will you smile with your eyes? I want to be beautiful, I want to be your muse. I was just guessing. You don't know how lucky you are.

"Tell me you love me/Come back and hold me"

I am going in circles, triangle sheet music is just rhythm. I felt stupid, but I had to know. Nothing is better left un asked, and no one should leave things unsaid. You are beautiful.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E