Everytime you close your eyes: Lies! Lies!

Ear Candy: "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

ARG! There are some days where I just hate being me... Katie and I went out for a long run with the dogs this morning and then laid out for a while. I got a fabulous sunburn from the run, so I now have a wife beater burned into my back. Charming. Kerry freaked out on me because I had borrowed her bikini top to tan in (she had all of mine for Hawaii) and then went even crazier when I found a bunch of my stuff (we are talking half a suitcase) in her laundry from the trip when I was putting it in the dryer for her. She started screaming about how I am a liar, and that they aren't my clothes, and that she can't live with me anymore, and she went completely insane, screaming and throwing things, and sobbing... It kind of freaked me out.

I had dinner with my dad and uncle, which is usually fun. Except that my uncle berated me and chastised me and talked down to me for an hour and a half because of last weekend, and basically made me feel like utter shit. So now I am home, alone and miserable because my poor dad who has to put up with all of us, and my sister have gone to the grocery store.

I hate being me right now. I want to cry, but I know I won't. I won't feel better, just stupid for crying. And nothing will be accomplished. Crying only feels good when there is someone to comfort you and to brush the tears off. Doing it yourself feels empty and sad. I am tired of being empty, and of being looked down on and talked down to. I am not a bad person!!! I am not a criminal, or a punked out thug kid with no goals. I have goals! I am a good kid! I have not thrown my life away and ruined my future. My uncle says I have. I wanted my friends to have a place to play, and to have a good time, and now I apparently have no future. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I don't even know anymore. Fuck this, I am so not happy. I need to get out of here. I need to go far away. I need to go to the beach hardcore. I need to go to bed.

If you are reading this, and not just because you have nothing else to do, but because you really want to know what I have to say, I love you.

~E