Ear Candy: "So it Goes" by Billy Joel
I hate this. I keep looking at pictures of you, or I see something funny or that makes me think of you, and I want to call you, but I know you won't pick up. I just keep hoping... I called just to hear your voice. It's weird, I got used to the feeling of missing you. It's not like one day you just weren't there... You weren't there for months. And even though I had you on the phone, it wasn't the same... We had no play time, no snuggle parties, no car rides singing like crazies. And it seems weird to think we won't have any more... On my white board in my room, it says on December 23rd: "Cooper home! Patsy day!" I was going to go to the air port with your mama and pick you up. And stop for cheesecake or something on the way home. And sing along with musicals and the Beatles and laugh and be crazy, and winter break was going to be good because we would all be together again. Now we're going to be together, with a big gaping hole in the circle. I've been trying to ignore it. To pretend it's not happening. That I didn't bury you. But I hate it so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. Every instinct I am having is to call you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't go out there for Thanksgiving. I probably could have afforded the ticket, but I wanted to stay here and see everyone. I should have gone. Then you wouldn;t have been in that car. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I threw a small fit because they left the onions on my food last night. I wanted you to be there so I could sneak them into your food. I don't know what to do...
I love you.
Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.
~E
Monday, December 11, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
And now state lines look like the Berlin Wall
Ear Candy: "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
Dear Jessica,
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not beingh ere or picking up the phone when I frantically called you to make sure it wasn't true, confirming that it was. I hate you because I can't hate you, and I love you, and now I feel empty inside because you're not here. No one was ever a better or worse friend to me than you were. No one understood me like you. We practically had our own language! Our jokes, all of our play time, every huge fight that was "the final fight", and yet we always bounced back... What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! How could you just go and leave me like that? You know we had too many plans! There was too much left to do, too much we didn't say, or laugh about... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I need you. I love you. I miss you so much I feel like I might break. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, you are somewhere wonderful where you are happy, and can eat all the onions you want, because I know how much you love onions. And old, rotting chicken. I love you.
Patsy.
Dear Jessica,
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for not beingh ere or picking up the phone when I frantically called you to make sure it wasn't true, confirming that it was. I hate you because I can't hate you, and I love you, and now I feel empty inside because you're not here. No one was ever a better or worse friend to me than you were. No one understood me like you. We practically had our own language! Our jokes, all of our play time, every huge fight that was "the final fight", and yet we always bounced back... What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! How could you just go and leave me like that? You know we had too many plans! There was too much left to do, too much we didn't say, or laugh about... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I need you. I love you. I miss you so much I feel like I might break. I'm so sorry. Hopefully, you are somewhere wonderful where you are happy, and can eat all the onions you want, because I know how much you love onions. And old, rotting chicken. I love you.
Patsy.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Attention, attention, may I have all your eyes and ears?
Ear Candy: "Attention" by The Academy Is...
Ok, so can I just say how much I hate pretentious people? I am sitting in the Cafe Noir, this adorable little coffee shop in downtown Monterey that makes the best cup of coffee I have ever had... And I am sitting upstairs working on my Spanish homework and pretending I am not eavesdropping on the pompous upper division students working on some assignment for their Global Studies class. I hate them. I don't even know them, but after a hakf hour of listening to their pretentious, mind-numbing "look how aware and enlightened I am, and how much I know about current issues regardless of how whether or not what I am talking about is related" psychobable. There is a blonde girl whose pants are too short and who is wear ugly sneakers and keeps attacking everyone else and blabbering on about dictatorships and diamond smuggling in Zimbabwe, and how Africa doesn't value human life. Apparently, she has a better understanding of the UN and how the UN should handle everything than anyone who works there... There is a loud, curl haired guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a while and who talks and talks and talks like he understand all the secret innerworkings of all the world's governments, and how could we be so simple minded as to not understand all of the possible aspects that go into Swiss bank accounts and money laundering. And then there is a quiet Russian guy who gets interrupted a lot and talked down to by the other two.
People like that drive me crazy... And you all know what kind of people I am talking about... The ones who are (start reading with a snobby voice here) oh so enlightened and politically aware, the young, hip, college student who knows so much more than the rest of the world because they took introduction to contemporary politics. (/snobby voice) They are convinced that they are on a higher plane of thinking from the rest of the world. The ones who debate useless philosophers and have conversations that are nothing but name dropping and inflated bullshit. The same individuals that feel the need to write unprovocated political commentaries padded with ostentatiously huge words that serve no purpose beyond making those reading it feel stupid. Who read things like Bukowski just so they can say they have read it... Those who have themselves pinned as modern-day beat generation enlightened idealists. People who bump the table and spill my latte all over the leg of my last pair of clean jeans, and then look at me with the most condescending look they can muster, as if to say, "how dare you be such an idiot as to assume it would be a good idea to put your coffee onto a coffeetable!" People like that make me crazy!
If you have abandoned the potential theory that your shit doesn't smell, I love you. (If you haven't, trust me. IT DOES.)
~E
Ok, so can I just say how much I hate pretentious people? I am sitting in the Cafe Noir, this adorable little coffee shop in downtown Monterey that makes the best cup of coffee I have ever had... And I am sitting upstairs working on my Spanish homework and pretending I am not eavesdropping on the pompous upper division students working on some assignment for their Global Studies class. I hate them. I don't even know them, but after a hakf hour of listening to their pretentious, mind-numbing "look how aware and enlightened I am, and how much I know about current issues regardless of how whether or not what I am talking about is related" psychobable. There is a blonde girl whose pants are too short and who is wear ugly sneakers and keeps attacking everyone else and blabbering on about dictatorships and diamond smuggling in Zimbabwe, and how Africa doesn't value human life. Apparently, she has a better understanding of the UN and how the UN should handle everything than anyone who works there... There is a loud, curl haired guy who looks like he hasn't showered in a while and who talks and talks and talks like he understand all the secret innerworkings of all the world's governments, and how could we be so simple minded as to not understand all of the possible aspects that go into Swiss bank accounts and money laundering. And then there is a quiet Russian guy who gets interrupted a lot and talked down to by the other two.
People like that drive me crazy... And you all know what kind of people I am talking about... The ones who are (start reading with a snobby voice here) oh so enlightened and politically aware, the young, hip, college student who knows so much more than the rest of the world because they took introduction to contemporary politics. (/snobby voice) They are convinced that they are on a higher plane of thinking from the rest of the world. The ones who debate useless philosophers and have conversations that are nothing but name dropping and inflated bullshit. The same individuals that feel the need to write unprovocated political commentaries padded with ostentatiously huge words that serve no purpose beyond making those reading it feel stupid. Who read things like Bukowski just so they can say they have read it... Those who have themselves pinned as modern-day beat generation enlightened idealists. People who bump the table and spill my latte all over the leg of my last pair of clean jeans, and then look at me with the most condescending look they can muster, as if to say, "how dare you be such an idiot as to assume it would be a good idea to put your coffee onto a coffeetable!" People like that make me crazy!
If you have abandoned the potential theory that your shit doesn't smell, I love you. (If you haven't, trust me. IT DOES.)
~E
Saturday, September 16, 2006
And now state lines look like the Berlin Wall
Ear Candy: "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie
Ok, so usually this is my thought blog, but I found this really cool survey in Gingey's blog, and wanted to do it, so here it is...
1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus. For several reasons:
1. I am a broke college student.
2. The son of God probably has some spare cash lying around, as the Catholic church is racking it all in, supposedly for him... and
3. It's a cheap meal anyway, because we just ordered waters and he turned them into wine...
2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; who is it?
India Irene Devenchenzi (I have no idea where that one came from...)
3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Arkansas
4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you want to try?
Masturbate. Have sex. Pee my name in the snow. In that order.
5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Han Solo, because he's all strong and scruffy and he would kind of rough you up a little bit, but in a good way...
6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A my size barbie. I feel so cheated. I was under 3' for ever! There were plenty of opportunities, people!
7. Top three celebrities you want to do
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ryder Strong
3. Jared Leto
8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Overly greasy hair, an expensive drug habit that could potentially warrant him robbing me, he's married, or he has gross teeth/bad breath.
9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Silent Hill
10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
Wow, this is a long list... Feel free to fill in this one with your favorite "Erin is a dumbass" moment..
"Why would it matter if her name is Melita? That sign says "Militia Road..." (it doesn't...)
11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?
A High tech bean and cheese quesedilla with extra guac, mozarella sticks with marinara sauce, and a piece of cheesecake factory Lemon Raspberry Chessecake... And maybe a plate of their four cheese pasta... Can you tell I like cheese?
12. What's something that you've done that most people haven't?
I don't know... Screamed back at James Ryall when he screamed at me? Most people are too scared to yell back... But maybe that's why we're best friends...
12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Seen The Matrix. Any of them.
13. Before you die you want to go to...?
RUSSIA, Europe in general, Thailand, Australia, Brazil... the list goes on... I want to go everywhere.
14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
sing in a band, and learn to play the bass...
15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
I've always wanted a koala. maybe a kinkaju... they have big eyes like mine.
16. A drug you'll never try?
heroin, crack, coke, speed, meth... anything i forgot that involves a needle.
17. If you were an animal what would you be?
a kinkaju for the big eyes, or maybe a white bengal tiger... i think they are kind of majestic...
18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Blake. Or Kyle Surlow.
19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I love Greek mythology. LOVE IT.
20. First celebrity crush?
Third Grade: Leonardo DiCaprio... I first saw him on a Growing Pains rerun on the Disney Channel, and knew I was going to marry him... Maybe I should let him know?
21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A cross bow... I think that would be badass...
23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
bagels and fruit... and a coffee.
24. Favorite parody movie?
Shaun of the Dead
25. Worst way to die?
drowning
26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
in real life, my dad after his last bike acident. gnarly.
27. The worst injury you've ever had?
probably one of my broken noses...
28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
playing with Reefer, and hanging out with the fam.
29. Sport you hate the most?
nascar or wrestling
30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
new york, seattle, any where in colorado
31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
religions, cars
32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
ooh... that is hard. I don't think I have a favorite... Will Ferrel because he is funny, Jared Leto or Jake Gyllenhaal... And Jennifer Connely.
33. What's one word you absolutely detest?
moist
34. What makes an awesome party?
fun people, good drinks, good music, no drama
35. What's your material obsession?
designer jeans, SHOES, expensive make up...
36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
"you're a handful"
37. Favorite kind of dog?
chiot! a cocker-poodle...
38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
garlic fries or chocolate covered frozen cheesecake...
39. Morning or night person?
night
40. Worst drunken habit?
being loud, being too friendly
41. Weirdest eBay purchase?
i've never bought anything on eBay
42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
french fries, reese's fast breaks, annie's mac and cheese
43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
if i am at school, cleaning up the beer cans in my room from the lovely kait. if i am at home, either sleeping or with the boy.
44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
claire, steffie (i miss you!), james (!!!), rosie, boyfriend, jess (i miss you too!), devin and ben and spike and lilli, hanny
45. Worst job you've ever had?
high tech had its ups and downs...
46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
lots of things... mostly my nose?
47. Favorite cereal?
OHS! honey nut cheerios, frosted flakes, puffins...
48. Book you could read repeatedly?
harry potters, the perks of being a wallflower, the electric kool-aid acid test, pride and predjudice
49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
i am really not sure... i've done some pretty mean things... not a great feeling.
50. Tell an interesting story about the last person to fill this out.
steffie is just fun... probably my favorite erin and steffie moment was when we were driving up to tahoe, and we made road friends (and nemesis!) and the traffic was so bad on 280 that we put the car in park and had a techno dance party in the car on the freeway...
If you love pointless surveys, I love you.
~E
Ok, so usually this is my thought blog, but I found this really cool survey in Gingey's blog, and wanted to do it, so here it is...
1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Jesus. For several reasons:
1. I am a broke college student.
2. The son of God probably has some spare cash lying around, as the Catholic church is racking it all in, supposedly for him... and
3. It's a cheap meal anyway, because we just ordered waters and he turned them into wine...
2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; who is it?
India Irene Devenchenzi (I have no idea where that one came from...)
3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Arkansas
4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you want to try?
Masturbate. Have sex. Pee my name in the snow. In that order.
5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Han Solo, because he's all strong and scruffy and he would kind of rough you up a little bit, but in a good way...
6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A my size barbie. I feel so cheated. I was under 3' for ever! There were plenty of opportunities, people!
7. Top three celebrities you want to do
1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ryder Strong
3. Jared Leto
8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Overly greasy hair, an expensive drug habit that could potentially warrant him robbing me, he's married, or he has gross teeth/bad breath.
9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Silent Hill
10. Stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
Wow, this is a long list... Feel free to fill in this one with your favorite "Erin is a dumbass" moment..
"Why would it matter if her name is Melita? That sign says "Militia Road..." (it doesn't...)
11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution what's your last meal?
A High tech bean and cheese quesedilla with extra guac, mozarella sticks with marinara sauce, and a piece of cheesecake factory Lemon Raspberry Chessecake... And maybe a plate of their four cheese pasta... Can you tell I like cheese?
12. What's something that you've done that most people haven't?
I don't know... Screamed back at James Ryall when he screamed at me? Most people are too scared to yell back... But maybe that's why we're best friends...
12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Seen The Matrix. Any of them.
13. Before you die you want to go to...?
RUSSIA, Europe in general, Thailand, Australia, Brazil... the list goes on... I want to go everywhere.
14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
sing in a band, and learn to play the bass...
15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
I've always wanted a koala. maybe a kinkaju... they have big eyes like mine.
16. A drug you'll never try?
heroin, crack, coke, speed, meth... anything i forgot that involves a needle.
17. If you were an animal what would you be?
a kinkaju for the big eyes, or maybe a white bengal tiger... i think they are kind of majestic...
18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
Blake. Or Kyle Surlow.
19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I love Greek mythology. LOVE IT.
20. First celebrity crush?
Third Grade: Leonardo DiCaprio... I first saw him on a Growing Pains rerun on the Disney Channel, and knew I was going to marry him... Maybe I should let him know?
21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A cross bow... I think that would be badass...
23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
bagels and fruit... and a coffee.
24. Favorite parody movie?
Shaun of the Dead
25. Worst way to die?
drowning
26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
in real life, my dad after his last bike acident. gnarly.
27. The worst injury you've ever had?
probably one of my broken noses...
28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
playing with Reefer, and hanging out with the fam.
29. Sport you hate the most?
nascar or wrestling
30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
new york, seattle, any where in colorado
31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
religions, cars
32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
ooh... that is hard. I don't think I have a favorite... Will Ferrel because he is funny, Jared Leto or Jake Gyllenhaal... And Jennifer Connely.
33. What's one word you absolutely detest?
moist
34. What makes an awesome party?
fun people, good drinks, good music, no drama
35. What's your material obsession?
designer jeans, SHOES, expensive make up...
36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
"you're a handful"
37. Favorite kind of dog?
chiot! a cocker-poodle...
38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
garlic fries or chocolate covered frozen cheesecake...
39. Morning or night person?
night
40. Worst drunken habit?
being loud, being too friendly
41. Weirdest eBay purchase?
i've never bought anything on eBay
42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
french fries, reese's fast breaks, annie's mac and cheese
43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
if i am at school, cleaning up the beer cans in my room from the lovely kait. if i am at home, either sleeping or with the boy.
44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
claire, steffie (i miss you!), james (!!!), rosie, boyfriend, jess (i miss you too!), devin and ben and spike and lilli, hanny
45. Worst job you've ever had?
high tech had its ups and downs...
46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
lots of things... mostly my nose?
47. Favorite cereal?
OHS! honey nut cheerios, frosted flakes, puffins...
48. Book you could read repeatedly?
harry potters, the perks of being a wallflower, the electric kool-aid acid test, pride and predjudice
49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
i am really not sure... i've done some pretty mean things... not a great feeling.
50. Tell an interesting story about the last person to fill this out.
steffie is just fun... probably my favorite erin and steffie moment was when we were driving up to tahoe, and we made road friends (and nemesis!) and the traffic was so bad on 280 that we put the car in park and had a techno dance party in the car on the freeway...
If you love pointless surveys, I love you.
~E
Friday, September 15, 2006
Isn't this exactly where you want me?
Ear Candy: "But It's Better When We Do" by Panic! at the Disco (so sue me, I love them...)
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
Ok, so i realize that I have sucked at updating this thing, but I think that I really only update this when I have something important to say, so perhaps it is a good thing that I haven't been bothering you all with a lot of nonsense...
So the wall behind my bed is covered in pictures of everyone from home, and it makes me miss everyone so badly. But I get the feeling that most of that is one sided... Like all the hugs and "I love you! I'll miss you" before I left was just a formality, and that once the car pulled onto the 101 south exit, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Now, perhaps saying everyone is not fair, as I am sure that there are those who really meant it, and do miss me, but I don't think it is as many people as I would like... Is life weird without me there? It is so weird without all of you. I have friends down here who I really like, but they can't fill the rolse of everyone down there to the same degree. I miss the strangest people, people I didn't expect to miss, at least not to the degree that I do.
At the same time, one of my favorite things about being down here is that I am free. Free of preconceived notions of who I am (because let's face it, all of you have an idea of who you think I am, whether or not it is current or even remotely acurate) and free to be myself without the confines of everyone who knows me. That part is kind of nice. However, the people that go to college and decide to be completely different people and forget where they came from bother me, simply because I think you can't really escape being yourself. Eventually, the real you comes out. Why try to hide it? Although, having no one down here that I know is kind of scary, like free falling without a parachute...
Both completely on another subject and along the same train of thought, I hate feeling like I care more about someone than they do about me, and I hate hate hate feeling like I am putting in all the work in a relationship, like if I stopped trying, it would just fall flat. And as much as I feel like a whiney seventh grade girl here, I really was hurt by the people who didn't call me back to at least see me, even if briefly, before I left, even more by those who did call me back and then blew me off... It seemed like it didn't matter that I left. But c'est la vie. I can only do so much, then it is out of my head and simply an intention released into the universe.
One thing I miss about home? Hugging. No one hugs here. Well, I hug, and no one knows quite how to respond to it. That makes me sad. I miss the physical contact.
Ok, time to go waste my time and eat some sub-par DC food...
If you love me, I love you back. A lot. (And I probably miss you like hell.)
~E
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I used to live alone before I knew you.
Ear Candy: "Hallelujah" by Imogen Heap
A fair warning: This is perhaps even more crazy, off-beat, nonsensical, and cryptic than everything else I write, so make sure you have your thinking pants (as opposed to the coveted drinking pants...) on.
And away we go.
My life is a paradox. I find myself in a very peculiar spot right now, where in a time that I am finally finding myself in a place that I can call home, surrounded by people who love me, I have never felt more alone. I can't help but fear that the people around me will see that I am pretending, that I am not cool or funny, or pretty, or fun, and that they will see me and grow tired of me and leave. People are always leaving me, especially when perhaps I need them the most? I like to think of myself as a strong person (which after that last sentence sounds ludacris, I am sure...) but I think that I (and perhaps everyone else?) assume that being a strong person means never having a moment of weakness. I have always been the strong one, who doesn't cry, who everyone else can lean on, and who carries others when they can't walk. So when I need to fall, why do I beat myself up? For being human? For having a momentary moment of weakness? I feel like an idiot when I get upset.
I am a complex set of crazy contradictions; I am so confident, and I love myself, but I am always scared the no one else will, and I will be left alone. I am terrified of being alone, but that is when all my best thoughts come out. (Is that then a fear of myself, and knowing what I really think?) I hate people who fish for compliments, but I love getting them. I like to think that I am pretty, but in reality, I think I am weird looking, and that you could do much better. I think I'm amazing, but I always doubt that anyone else will. This blog stands as a reminder that I am that ridiculous teenage girl who is wracked with doubt and insecurity, the same girl that when I see her, I wonder why she can't see herself as wonderful as we do? I pride myself on knowing who I am, but I am constantly changing, so how can I know myself? And if I can't even figure me out some days, how can I ever expect anyone else to venture into the jungle I call my thoughts and expect them to make it out alive? I hate people with big egos, but I hold my self in high esteems most of the time.
This blog is a contradiction! It is purely emo, but I am a [mostly] happy person! Althpugh I suppose I can attribute that to the fact that I only write when I have something to say, and nothing breeds words quite like discontent and pain. I have never been speechless from misery, although have often found myself speechless with joy. I always mean to sit down to write what I think, but sadly, the thoughts tend to run away from me before the computer can trap me, and I am never as eloquent as I like to think I am.
If you have such a big heart and a sweet smile, andso much charm and strength, what makes me worth your time? Who is the adventure? And why do I always asume that the adventure can only be one half? That one is the adventure and the other is the British man in a safari hat (preferrably with a monacle on his eye) trying to make sense of the whole thing? Maybe we are all our own jungle.
I love to think of myself as an adventure. I hate to disappoint. I love to love, and snuggle, and giggle, and be crazy, and be near people I love, and to have them know I love them. I love kisses (even the ones that get me written up, hahaha...) I love my family, even if they are crazy. I love myself, even if I am crazy. I love my friends, especially because they are crazy. I love the people that take the time to read the nonsensical ramblings that I put into writing. And I always appriciate the people who take the time to try to make me make sense, I know that it is not an easy task...
If you love adventures, I love you.
~E
A fair warning: This is perhaps even more crazy, off-beat, nonsensical, and cryptic than everything else I write, so make sure you have your thinking pants (as opposed to the coveted drinking pants...) on.
And away we go.
My life is a paradox. I find myself in a very peculiar spot right now, where in a time that I am finally finding myself in a place that I can call home, surrounded by people who love me, I have never felt more alone. I can't help but fear that the people around me will see that I am pretending, that I am not cool or funny, or pretty, or fun, and that they will see me and grow tired of me and leave. People are always leaving me, especially when perhaps I need them the most? I like to think of myself as a strong person (which after that last sentence sounds ludacris, I am sure...) but I think that I (and perhaps everyone else?) assume that being a strong person means never having a moment of weakness. I have always been the strong one, who doesn't cry, who everyone else can lean on, and who carries others when they can't walk. So when I need to fall, why do I beat myself up? For being human? For having a momentary moment of weakness? I feel like an idiot when I get upset.
I am a complex set of crazy contradictions; I am so confident, and I love myself, but I am always scared the no one else will, and I will be left alone. I am terrified of being alone, but that is when all my best thoughts come out. (Is that then a fear of myself, and knowing what I really think?) I hate people who fish for compliments, but I love getting them. I like to think that I am pretty, but in reality, I think I am weird looking, and that you could do much better. I think I'm amazing, but I always doubt that anyone else will. This blog stands as a reminder that I am that ridiculous teenage girl who is wracked with doubt and insecurity, the same girl that when I see her, I wonder why she can't see herself as wonderful as we do? I pride myself on knowing who I am, but I am constantly changing, so how can I know myself? And if I can't even figure me out some days, how can I ever expect anyone else to venture into the jungle I call my thoughts and expect them to make it out alive? I hate people with big egos, but I hold my self in high esteems most of the time.
This blog is a contradiction! It is purely emo, but I am a [mostly] happy person! Althpugh I suppose I can attribute that to the fact that I only write when I have something to say, and nothing breeds words quite like discontent and pain. I have never been speechless from misery, although have often found myself speechless with joy. I always mean to sit down to write what I think, but sadly, the thoughts tend to run away from me before the computer can trap me, and I am never as eloquent as I like to think I am.
If you have such a big heart and a sweet smile, andso much charm and strength, what makes me worth your time? Who is the adventure? And why do I always asume that the adventure can only be one half? That one is the adventure and the other is the British man in a safari hat (preferrably with a monacle on his eye) trying to make sense of the whole thing? Maybe we are all our own jungle.
I love to think of myself as an adventure. I hate to disappoint. I love to love, and snuggle, and giggle, and be crazy, and be near people I love, and to have them know I love them. I love kisses (even the ones that get me written up, hahaha...) I love my family, even if they are crazy. I love myself, even if I am crazy. I love my friends, especially because they are crazy. I love the people that take the time to read the nonsensical ramblings that I put into writing. And I always appriciate the people who take the time to try to make me make sense, I know that it is not an easy task...
If you love adventures, I love you.
~E
Saturday, June 10, 2006
the dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet
Ear Candy: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap
Wow. This is really it. I was looking at a picture of me and Claire at graduation, which was sitting next to the evidence of a photobooth escapade of ours circa 8th grade, and one thing stuck out at me was how old we looked! Before the ceremony, I was twirling around Rosie's living room in my new dress and dancing around in a caffinated craze while James mocked me and played gameboy. We were babies, back at six with nothing to do by play and be happy. And then we put our robes on, and we were suddenly back into our real bodies, but we look damn good in red. And all I could think was how thrilled I was to have my best friends there with me.
Yesterday was the most surreal experience of my life. Processing out onto the field in all my red (after narrowly escaping a panic attack in the gym and adjusting the eye make up that was streaming down my face in nervous/excited tears) with everyone I had gone to school with was crazy. I could see all the people, but the only sound was the band. I couldn't hear the cheers. When I was in my seat before we had to sing, I was shaking, and I grabbed Lach's hand. He squeezed mine and held it, and that was all that grounded me. We sang, and I loved being up there with seven people who have been seven of my favorite people and closest friends from day one. When we got nervous, or scared, Lach and I would grab hands and reassure each other. I could feel the love and the friendship, and knew we were all connected. Watching my classmates cross that stage was crazy unreal. I could hear the crowd, some people getting lots of cheers, some none at all, and I wondered what reaction I would be met with. But when I got up there, as I was grinning like a damn fool and Auntie Shannon was in no way subtly taking pictures, the last sound I heard was my name. There was no sound, only me in the sunlight. It was like a movie, I swear. That was so amazing, but I can't believe it's real.
Aren't I too young to be doing this? To be graduating? Growing up and moving away? I won't think of that now. New school, new people, new friends, (new shoes!!!), old Erin? Everything is changing, the world is still spinning, and I am sitting still. Not still in the way that I am never moving forward, because I am too much to not. But sitting still in the way that I am content to just watch the worl for now. I am waiting for a "Dare to be Great" situation.
As we all go on, and become the great people that we already so much are, I can only hope that everything that has happened will not be lost entirely. But if that is the case, than all I can say is that it has been amazing. But I know that the people who mean the most to me, and the friends whom I hold closest will not be lost, because I simply love them too much to let them go. So I guess that we will stad together, arms linked, iPods on ready to kick some ass.
Congratulations to the Class of 2006. Way to kick some ass.
If you and I have our arms linked, I love you.
~E
Wow. This is really it. I was looking at a picture of me and Claire at graduation, which was sitting next to the evidence of a photobooth escapade of ours circa 8th grade, and one thing stuck out at me was how old we looked! Before the ceremony, I was twirling around Rosie's living room in my new dress and dancing around in a caffinated craze while James mocked me and played gameboy. We were babies, back at six with nothing to do by play and be happy. And then we put our robes on, and we were suddenly back into our real bodies, but we look damn good in red. And all I could think was how thrilled I was to have my best friends there with me.
Yesterday was the most surreal experience of my life. Processing out onto the field in all my red (after narrowly escaping a panic attack in the gym and adjusting the eye make up that was streaming down my face in nervous/excited tears) with everyone I had gone to school with was crazy. I could see all the people, but the only sound was the band. I couldn't hear the cheers. When I was in my seat before we had to sing, I was shaking, and I grabbed Lach's hand. He squeezed mine and held it, and that was all that grounded me. We sang, and I loved being up there with seven people who have been seven of my favorite people and closest friends from day one. When we got nervous, or scared, Lach and I would grab hands and reassure each other. I could feel the love and the friendship, and knew we were all connected. Watching my classmates cross that stage was crazy unreal. I could hear the crowd, some people getting lots of cheers, some none at all, and I wondered what reaction I would be met with. But when I got up there, as I was grinning like a damn fool and Auntie Shannon was in no way subtly taking pictures, the last sound I heard was my name. There was no sound, only me in the sunlight. It was like a movie, I swear. That was so amazing, but I can't believe it's real.
Aren't I too young to be doing this? To be graduating? Growing up and moving away? I won't think of that now. New school, new people, new friends, (new shoes!!!), old Erin? Everything is changing, the world is still spinning, and I am sitting still. Not still in the way that I am never moving forward, because I am too much to not. But sitting still in the way that I am content to just watch the worl for now. I am waiting for a "Dare to be Great" situation.
As we all go on, and become the great people that we already so much are, I can only hope that everything that has happened will not be lost entirely. But if that is the case, than all I can say is that it has been amazing. But I know that the people who mean the most to me, and the friends whom I hold closest will not be lost, because I simply love them too much to let them go. So I guess that we will stad together, arms linked, iPods on ready to kick some ass.
Congratulations to the Class of 2006. Way to kick some ass.
If you and I have our arms linked, I love you.
~E
Monday, June 05, 2006
And You Can Have This Heart To Break
Ear Candy: "So It Goes" by Billy Joel
"I have gilmpsed the future, and all I can say is... GO Back!"
My God, I wish I could. As I have reached the end of high school, I've been looking back at everything, and although there are things that I would do differently if I had a second chance, I don't regret anything. But all I want is more time. More time with the people I love, more time to get everything done. To go to the beach more, to hang out, to go to more parties... To tell him how I fell, how I've felt. But what good would any of it do? I can already feel us drifting apart, moving away from each other... And I can feel my heart aching.
I am scared. For the future, for jumping without you all as my parachute. All I have wanted my whole life is to grow up. And now that it is happening, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my head in your lap while you play with my hair. I want to watch the sun rise, and know that when we say oodbye, it isn't forever. That we won't come home strangers. I want to know that you know how much I love you, and I need to know that you love me too. I am so excited to have had my best friends with me for so long, but I am scared that in three months, I won't have them anymore.
I've been watching Cameron Crowe movies, and they make me nostalgic for something I've never experienced... Which adds to the nostalgia that I am feeling for everything. I want to hug you all with all my might and never let go. The kind of hug where i know our hearts/souls/whatever are hugging too. I miss feeling infinite. But we're all leaving, and growing up, and I can wish for no more than as we go, for you to know how much all of you have truly belssed my life. How wonderful knowing you has mademe, and how I would in no way be the person I am if I hadn't had all of you. And that I really do love you.
So to everyone who reads this, or knows me, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. And I mean that more than I have ever meant anything in my life.
I heard you singing this song, and I doubt you saw the true irony of the situation. The greatest irony is the line "you're the only one who knows", because I highly doubt you do.
If I've said it once... I love you.
~E
"And you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break..."
consider it broken.
"I have gilmpsed the future, and all I can say is... GO Back!"
My God, I wish I could. As I have reached the end of high school, I've been looking back at everything, and although there are things that I would do differently if I had a second chance, I don't regret anything. But all I want is more time. More time with the people I love, more time to get everything done. To go to the beach more, to hang out, to go to more parties... To tell him how I fell, how I've felt. But what good would any of it do? I can already feel us drifting apart, moving away from each other... And I can feel my heart aching.
I am scared. For the future, for jumping without you all as my parachute. All I have wanted my whole life is to grow up. And now that it is happening, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my head in your lap while you play with my hair. I want to watch the sun rise, and know that when we say oodbye, it isn't forever. That we won't come home strangers. I want to know that you know how much I love you, and I need to know that you love me too. I am so excited to have had my best friends with me for so long, but I am scared that in three months, I won't have them anymore.
I've been watching Cameron Crowe movies, and they make me nostalgic for something I've never experienced... Which adds to the nostalgia that I am feeling for everything. I want to hug you all with all my might and never let go. The kind of hug where i know our hearts/souls/whatever are hugging too. I miss feeling infinite. But we're all leaving, and growing up, and I can wish for no more than as we go, for you to know how much all of you have truly belssed my life. How wonderful knowing you has mademe, and how I would in no way be the person I am if I hadn't had all of you. And that I really do love you.
So to everyone who reads this, or knows me, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. And I mean that more than I have ever meant anything in my life.
I heard you singing this song, and I doubt you saw the true irony of the situation. The greatest irony is the line "you're the only one who knows", because I highly doubt you do.
If I've said it once... I love you.
~E
"And you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break..."
consider it broken.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
But I've stayed up with you all night...
Ear Candy: "How To Save a Life" by The Fray
In my life lately, I have been facing a liot of things that are really hard. And I am not going to get into them, because I am working through it. But most of all, I am being confronted with life, and how short and fragile it can be. And I feel like I don't say enough how much I absolutely love all of you. I am not sure exactly who reads this, but if you take the time to see what I have to say, I mean you. If you are in my life, I mean you. I am ok, I wasn't for the longest time, but I am, and as cliche and cheesy as all this may sound tomorrow morning, it is because you guys were there for me and picked me up when I needed it. I can only hope that you know that I will always do the same for you. I am not sure what brought this all on, end of the year? This song is not helping, because it so much applies to my life, and it is making me think, but in a good way. Where did this all come from? Graduating? Tonight's difficult to watch episode of my guilty pleasure show, One Tree Hill? Perhaps.
But however you cut it, I needed you all to know that whatever the future holds, you are all amazing, and I am so incredibly lucky to have you, to hold you, and to be given the opportunity to love you.
And I really do. I love you.
~E
In my life lately, I have been facing a liot of things that are really hard. And I am not going to get into them, because I am working through it. But most of all, I am being confronted with life, and how short and fragile it can be. And I feel like I don't say enough how much I absolutely love all of you. I am not sure exactly who reads this, but if you take the time to see what I have to say, I mean you. If you are in my life, I mean you. I am ok, I wasn't for the longest time, but I am, and as cliche and cheesy as all this may sound tomorrow morning, it is because you guys were there for me and picked me up when I needed it. I can only hope that you know that I will always do the same for you. I am not sure what brought this all on, end of the year? This song is not helping, because it so much applies to my life, and it is making me think, but in a good way. Where did this all come from? Graduating? Tonight's difficult to watch episode of my guilty pleasure show, One Tree Hill? Perhaps.
But however you cut it, I needed you all to know that whatever the future holds, you are all amazing, and I am so incredibly lucky to have you, to hold you, and to be given the opportunity to love you.
And I really do. I love you.
~E
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
But not a real green dress...
Ear Candy: "Close Your Eyes" by The Chemical Brothers
So I am excited, because I just sent in my Enrollment Confirmation and housing app and whatnot to Monterey, so they know I'm coming in the fall. Yay.
I'm tired, but I'm sure you could tell that by my lack-luster appearance and the bags that sit just under my eyes, impervious to cold sppons, tea bags, cucumbers, concealer, and pleading. I am a ghost, floating through my life, going through the motions, nothing clicking or connecting. If I stood next to "Sad Life Joe", he would look like a damn Care Bear (if Care Bears had stab wounds.) Things are getting bad. I am slipping and I can't get my grip. I'm scared of not getting back on track. I don't know what I want, only what I don't want, and how does that help me?
I have just realized now that I think better when I listen to RENT (which I am not listening to.) Best Buy is selling collectible versions of the soundtrack, where each case features the face of one of the characters. These are geared towards RENT-Head chumps like me. ANd sadly, I weant them. And a new camera. And new jeans. Want want want. Things things things. Are these things supposed to make me happy? Economics is depressing, because someone always has to pay. Sometimes in that class, I am overcome with a horrible thought that people might love each other more if we were all made out of money, but I think for me, I need a warm body. That's worth more to me than the entire collectible RENT series, hands down.
So I am excited, because I just sent in my Enrollment Confirmation and housing app and whatnot to Monterey, so they know I'm coming in the fall. Yay.
I'm tired, but I'm sure you could tell that by my lack-luster appearance and the bags that sit just under my eyes, impervious to cold sppons, tea bags, cucumbers, concealer, and pleading. I am a ghost, floating through my life, going through the motions, nothing clicking or connecting. If I stood next to "Sad Life Joe", he would look like a damn Care Bear (if Care Bears had stab wounds.) Things are getting bad. I am slipping and I can't get my grip. I'm scared of not getting back on track. I don't know what I want, only what I don't want, and how does that help me?
I have just realized now that I think better when I listen to RENT (which I am not listening to.) Best Buy is selling collectible versions of the soundtrack, where each case features the face of one of the characters. These are geared towards RENT-Head chumps like me. ANd sadly, I weant them. And a new camera. And new jeans. Want want want. Things things things. Are these things supposed to make me happy? Economics is depressing, because someone always has to pay. Sometimes in that class, I am overcome with a horrible thought that people might love each other more if we were all made out of money, but I think for me, I need a warm body. That's worth more to me than the entire collectible RENT series, hands down.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I'll never forget what I've lost...
Ear Candy: The Chemical Brothers
I haven't updated in a while, I know... I suck! There are so many times that I have sat down to impose my thoughts on you, and when it came down to it, the words wouldn't come. I have been a shell, an empty person who can talk and walk and function, oh how life like. But when it comes down to it, I am a shell of who I am capable of being. I touch the fire just to feel the burn, just to feel anything. It's cold.
Sheri died. I couldn't cry, but something inside of my broke. I kept thinking back to Lorelei and Scott, back to my friend Maddie who died in an accident when I was nine. Faces layered over faces, all retreating back where I can't follow. Oh, how emo am I? Fuck that. There is so much to be living for right now, there always is, so why am I dwelling? On Saturday, I was dressed for the memorial at three. At three fifty, I couldn't get in the car and go. I went upstairs and put on my Oxford shirt and jeans, and went for a very long hike in Annadel while eating strawberries. I sat on a bench and just thought, about her, about life, everything and everyone. I cried, but I was smiling. I felt connected to everything, and I liked that feeling. That night I hung out with Steffie, and it was really nice to go sit at Borders and eat truffles. I think I liked the feeling of the past's better memories not being all too far away. The exception was that I had much better hair this time around.
I dont't think I tell the people I love that I love them enough. I hope they know. I can't handle losing anyone else. I hate funerals. Sitting around crying about death seems so horrible to me, because we can't change it, and I don't like feeling helpless. Sitting around crying just makes me feel bad, I would rather remember them as they were. I can't look tragedy in the face anymore.
I am tired. I need a break, but it doesn not look as though one will be presenting itself in the near future. Weeks are so long, but there is never enough time to do all of the things that I need to do, not even close... And weekends, well those have never been long enough.
I am kind of rambling, not really saying anything, so I think that I am done for now... I wish I had found the words I wanted out.
If you have things figured out, I'm jealous, but I love you.
~E
I haven't updated in a while, I know... I suck! There are so many times that I have sat down to impose my thoughts on you, and when it came down to it, the words wouldn't come. I have been a shell, an empty person who can talk and walk and function, oh how life like. But when it comes down to it, I am a shell of who I am capable of being. I touch the fire just to feel the burn, just to feel anything. It's cold.
Sheri died. I couldn't cry, but something inside of my broke. I kept thinking back to Lorelei and Scott, back to my friend Maddie who died in an accident when I was nine. Faces layered over faces, all retreating back where I can't follow. Oh, how emo am I? Fuck that. There is so much to be living for right now, there always is, so why am I dwelling? On Saturday, I was dressed for the memorial at three. At three fifty, I couldn't get in the car and go. I went upstairs and put on my Oxford shirt and jeans, and went for a very long hike in Annadel while eating strawberries. I sat on a bench and just thought, about her, about life, everything and everyone. I cried, but I was smiling. I felt connected to everything, and I liked that feeling. That night I hung out with Steffie, and it was really nice to go sit at Borders and eat truffles. I think I liked the feeling of the past's better memories not being all too far away. The exception was that I had much better hair this time around.
I dont't think I tell the people I love that I love them enough. I hope they know. I can't handle losing anyone else. I hate funerals. Sitting around crying about death seems so horrible to me, because we can't change it, and I don't like feeling helpless. Sitting around crying just makes me feel bad, I would rather remember them as they were. I can't look tragedy in the face anymore.
I am tired. I need a break, but it doesn not look as though one will be presenting itself in the near future. Weeks are so long, but there is never enough time to do all of the things that I need to do, not even close... And weekends, well those have never been long enough.
I am kind of rambling, not really saying anything, so I think that I am done for now... I wish I had found the words I wanted out.
If you have things figured out, I'm jealous, but I love you.
~E
Sunday, February 05, 2006
It's better to have loved...
Ear Candy: "It's better to have" by Temposhark
I wrote this after Jello's party, and never got around to posting it...
... all the children picked them.
I went home and cried tonight. I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I feel like I/ we have lost all of our innocence. We spent our childhoods pretending to be grown ups, and then we grew up too fast. Is this what we wanted? Like things aren't working out how we planned. Things are wrong, we're so jaded... There's drugs and booze and sex and we're living like rock stars without a second thought. Maybe without a first one either.
I hurt so deeply for him, because I know how hard it is to miss the family that we love so much.
I cried for her, because she is so mixed up, and turned around, and I want to help her, because I love her. But I don't know how.
I cry for the best friend I never see, who I feel like I am drifting from.
I hurt for the best friend I see every day, who I feel like I have lost.
I hurt for the one who takes a secret pleasure in the pain, because he is desperate to feel a connection. Or maybe because he loves the power.
... for the one I can't understand, but try so hard to.
... for the girl who loves everything and everyone so much. I hope so much that she is feeling it back.
... the girl who got lost, and i don't know how to find her.
... the one who needs to be better.
But most of all, I miss feeling like I mattered in people's lives, like it was important that I be there... I miss my friends. Even when I see them, I feel separate and awkward. Unwanted. Tonight I watched everyone drinking and partying and having fun. I laughed, and hugged and participated. Why did I leave feeling like the night was empty? I want to hug everyone, and kiss them on the forehead and drink fall spices with them and talk to them and fix everything. And make it good like when we were Lost in SanFranslation. We got lost in the damn Mission district and were smiling, why aren't we now?
... i hate parties.
If you remeber that you love me, i love you.
~E
I wrote this after Jello's party, and never got around to posting it...
... all the children picked them.
I went home and cried tonight. I haven't done that in a while. I cried because I feel like I/ we have lost all of our innocence. We spent our childhoods pretending to be grown ups, and then we grew up too fast. Is this what we wanted? Like things aren't working out how we planned. Things are wrong, we're so jaded... There's drugs and booze and sex and we're living like rock stars without a second thought. Maybe without a first one either.
I hurt so deeply for him, because I know how hard it is to miss the family that we love so much.
I cried for her, because she is so mixed up, and turned around, and I want to help her, because I love her. But I don't know how.
I cry for the best friend I never see, who I feel like I am drifting from.
I hurt for the best friend I see every day, who I feel like I have lost.
I hurt for the one who takes a secret pleasure in the pain, because he is desperate to feel a connection. Or maybe because he loves the power.
... for the one I can't understand, but try so hard to.
... for the girl who loves everything and everyone so much. I hope so much that she is feeling it back.
... the girl who got lost, and i don't know how to find her.
... the one who needs to be better.
But most of all, I miss feeling like I mattered in people's lives, like it was important that I be there... I miss my friends. Even when I see them, I feel separate and awkward. Unwanted. Tonight I watched everyone drinking and partying and having fun. I laughed, and hugged and participated. Why did I leave feeling like the night was empty? I want to hug everyone, and kiss them on the forehead and drink fall spices with them and talk to them and fix everything. And make it good like when we were Lost in SanFranslation. We got lost in the damn Mission district and were smiling, why aren't we now?
... i hate parties.
If you remeber that you love me, i love you.
~E
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
