i whip my hair back and forth

Ear Candy: "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith (Don't judge me.)







I felt like it was time for a change. Also, that's my cat, Buster Posey. Yeah, he's a winner.

i love you!

E

you love love love, then you die

Ear Candy: "The Absence of God" by Rilo Kiley

i went back to hippie church with rosie on sunday, and it felt really good to go back. as much as things had gone negatively with the bureaucracy of it all, i missed the feeling i got while i was there, and it felt good to go back there and feel safe again.

it was the day that the teens and young adults speak. a ghost from my past was there in a way, and it was so strange to reconnect with those feelings that i didn't even know i still had.

i went home and wrote a letter in response to it, and mailed it before i could change my mind. i wonder if he ever thinks about me, or if he ever did. and i wonder if my letter will creep him out, or if he'll think it's pathetic, or if he will respond, or even read it. times change, so do people. and at least i can say that i tried.

i am starting to embrace the idea that moving forward does not have to mean leaving everything behind.

i have an incredible sense of wanderlust right now. i need an adventure.

i love you.

E

to open my eyes, and wake up alive in the world

Ear Candy: "Alive in the World" by Jackson Browne

good lord, longest week of my life. on sunday night, i was staring out at my week, and was pretty sure there was no way i was going to survive it. i am amazed that i haven't started crying from sheer exhaustion. i haven't slept more than four hours/night in over a week, and have been consuming more caffeine than anyone ever should. four finals down, two to go, and i have so far done three a's and one b, which i am disappointed in, because i should have done better, but c'est la vie. i am very pleased with them overall considering that i was also doing play rehearsals and paperwork and all that goes along with that on top of the finals.

i am literally not sure how i am awake and coherent right now, let alone in a strangely positive mood. the only sign of my overall stress and exhaustion is my complete lack of appetite, where i keep forgetting to eat for 12 hours at a time, and then remembering, and having to force myself to eat. finals is such a good diet!

i have reached the following conclusions:
- trying to get a full night's sleep in the middle of a week where you have trained yourself for exhaustion is a bad idea. i got eight hours on monday night, and tuesday was awful, because i was super tired, had trouble waking up, and had a head ache all day. it was much better when i got four hours a night, which is what i did on tuesday night, and wednesday morning was no issue.

- if you are an instructor who gives a 7AM final in december, you should definitely be there to let your class in on time, because they are cold and cranky.

- if i have a three hour slot in which to take said 7AM final, and i finish the test in 20 min, it makes me angry, because i should have shown up at 9.

- i will never understand those girls who show up for a 7AM final in full hair and make up, and pajamas on. unless they fall asleep with their head in some kind of chamber that perfectly preserves their look from the night before, and literally did just roll out of bed looking like that, they had time to throw on jeans and a shirt. and a bra.

oil change. lunch in auburn with grandmother (two hour drive each way, ugh.) dinner with depressed-due-to-break-up father. two more finals on thursday. freedom. come on, final push!

if you are as exhausted as i am, i love you.

E

i send vibrations in your direction through the satellite mind

Ear Candy: "Satellite Mind" by Metric

Tis the time of the season for changes.

- End of the semester. Going into finals, grades are looking good. Intention is to keep them that way.

- College applications are in and out of my hands. Now we play the waiting game. I turned my UCB application in at rehearsal, since the internet at my house was being fritzy, and I had to go to rehearsal. Before I hit submit, we all put positive energy into my application. Hippies. Afterwards, one of the actors in my cast, JET, comes up to me and has the following exchange:

JET: You know, you should probably start preparing yourself for the likelihood that you won't get in.
Rosie and Jeff (other actors who are standing behind me): What?! Why would you say that?! Don't put that out into the universe!
Erin: I am not considering that possibility. Because I can't. Because I would drive myself crazy in the next five months.
JET: Yes, but getting your hopes up makes it harder when you don't get things.
Erin: I have wanted to go to Berkeley since I was seven. I think it is safe to say that my hopes are up.
JET: Yeah, but I mean, you can live through disappointment. When I broke up with my girlfriend... (NOTE: I have strong suspicions that this girlfriend is fictional.)
Erin: I firmly believe in the power of positive thought. The universe only hears "yes", so if I say, "I am not going to get in", then the universe says, "Yes! You are not going to get in!"
JET: That doesn't make any sense.
Erin: Maybe not, but to me, I have to hold on to the belief that everything is going to happen the way that it is supposed to, and trust in that. I can't dwell on negative thoughts, they are going to poison me.
JET: Well, my parents always told me that you should hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Erin: And my parents always told me, "Erin, you're going to go to Berkeley when you grow up!"

Apparently, I am working harder on being more positive, and not dwelling on negativity so much. I think it's time to hang up my emo hat. Part of being a grown up is accepting that not everything is in my control, and the best I can do is to accept things how they are, and to do the best that I am capable of.

- New jobs coming up (see if you can notice the pattern!):
* Working as business manager for my friend Vince's dance studio. This means organizing, filing, and building things. And hanging out with/working for people I adore. I am excited.
* Working in the scene shop for the theatre. This means building things, welding things, painting things, learning things, making art, and working with/for people I adore who are all as dedicated and crazy as I am.
* Stage Managing a new show, which I have been since mid-October. I am still loving it, which is good. My assistant quit, which is good, because she wasn't very good. Now I get a new one, and he is awesome. And voluntarily gave himself the title of "ESB" (Erin Sweeney's Bitch.) This bodes well.
* Got hired by the theatre department to be the season Production Assistant, which is the assistant to the Production Manager, who is in charge of all of the plays (she is the SM's boss). I adore Risa, the PM. And she LOVES me. This looks good on a resume, and is definitely going to be a good learning experience.

- Broke up with Glenn. This is a good thing. Dating me was awesome for him, dating him was a drain on me. We argued for three hours about how I felt like he didn't listen to me, or understand me. He thinks we broke up because of the distance. I'll let him think that. It is always sad when things don't work out. But I know that this was definitely the right choice, and I feel like I am in a much better place now that this happened.

- Want to play more music.

- I want to reconnect with the people that I have lost touch with. I have been feeling this weird divide lately. I call it "the wall." Like there is me, and then the wall, and then the world. And I think part of the reason for the wall is that I get super wrapped up in work and school, and forget to cultivate my relationships with my friends and family. This is going to change.

- I have no idea what to get people for Christmas. I want to make presents, but I don't know what to make. And I am not great at art, unless everyone wants prints made out of handmade rubber stamps.

- I am newly obsessed with making rubber stamps.

- Excited to go to LA to see my lovely Robert for our post-Christmas holiday celebration. Bummed about breaking the tradition, but we will make it work.

- New Years in Vegas with my Cheryl. This is going to be interesting. I have never been to Vegas, and it is going to be weird to see it not from the perspective of the tourists, but from the perspective of someone who grew up there.

- Mostly, just excited to get out of SR for a few days and to see people I love, and to meet new people, and have adventures.

- I know I say this every year, but this upcoming summer, we WILL be going camping in Yosemite. I am super hellbent on trying to have us in the same place at the same time, and to go do something fun and awesome.

- Also, I want to go to a Giants game for my birthday. And I want people to come with me. I am not above sitting in the bleachers drinking beer and yelling by myself, but it is more fun with buddies.

- Apparently, this is the season for short hair. And since apparently, if all of you (well, not all of you. But the ones who count, and you know who you are) jumped off of a bridge, I would be jumping too...

I am also going to update more, even though I am pretty sure that my infrequent updates have made it so that no one reads this anymore. But it is good to have a record of where I was.

Even if you don't read this, I hope you know that I love you.

- E

L-O-L-A Lola, lo-lo-lo-lo-lola

Ear Candy: "The Angels Hung Around" by Rilo Kiley

i have a new project.



her name is lola. i rescued her from community bikes, where even they had given up on her, and were not even bothering to fix her. but i saw so much potential to be such an awesome bike, and i just felt this need to bring her home, and give her a lot of love and attention and breathe new life in to her.

so i did. and i am learning how to build a bike from the ground up, which is really fun, and really interesting, and super exciting. i've never worked on a bike before, and up until Saturday, did not even know how to change a bike tire. i have now not only learned to change the tubes and tires, i patched a tube. and took apart and reconstructed the entire bottom bracket, including bearings, crank, pedals, and sprocket. the chain comes friday. i also removed a lot of the rust, buffed out the fenders, replaced the wheels, and learned how to attach a coaster brake.

Now, it hasn't all been easy. Or fun.


lola bit me. which actually means that i tripped over the forks while i had her upside down on the floor in the kitchen with the wheels off while i buffed out rust. OUCH. i do not recommend it.

hopefully, i will have an assembled picture, and one of me riding her by the end of the week. so stoked!

it feels really good to have a project. and to be learning a useful skill like this. and to be doing and making things with my hands again. i am super stoked.

Dear Mother, This is Just Survival

Ear Candy: "Walking is Still Honest" by Against Me!

It's amazing how meeting someone else can make you feel more like yourself.

I am outside more.
I ride my bike everywhere that is practical, and I drive less.
I listen to more music.
I eat less shitty food, and more yummy food.
I cook more.
I am less wasteful, and recycle more.
I am planting a garden.
I am making a list of things that I want to learn to do [better].
I am less stressed and neurotic, and more at ease.
I am wearing more dresses and less make up.
I am caring increasing less about how I look, and more about how I feel.
I am making more things.
I am wanting more tattoos, but thinking less and less about getting them (for now. I still really want a half sleeve.)
I am getting along better with my dad and my sister.
I read more, and watch practically no tv.
I am becoming more self-sufficient.
I am figuring out much more clearly what I want out of life, and becoming more ok with the idea of being emotionally successful over fiscally successful.
I am appreciating the people in my life more. Or at least trying to.
I feel more like myself lately than I have in a while, and it all feels like it is happening very organically.

"And you haven't given up on me. And you haven't forgotten me."

you're the places that i wanted to go

Ear Candy: "People as Places as People" by Modest Mouse

i love that even when we're all apart, we're all still together.

i just hate it so much that these are the circumstances that reinforced that for us. but we take care of our own, so this is where we are. together.

regardless (well, not regardless, but perhaps despite of?) of the circumstances, i am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful adopted family, and to have you all in my life. you know who you are. and i love you so much that i think i might burst trying to express it. you are more important to me than i think any of you could ever fathom.

thoughts are jumbled. it feels like we left reality a while ago, and now we're just floating in a dark cloud that everyone can feel, but no one can see. it's a good thing we have all of that love to hold on to.

thank you for being my family.

You better wise up

Ear Candy: "Planet, Schmanet, Janet" by Tsunami Bomb

I love my room mates. But if they don't stop fucking each other (loudly with the door not closed all the way), I am going to fucking kill them both.

now i am sitting all alone

Ear Candy: "Mushy Love Song" by Tsunami Bomb

Always a bridesmaid, right?

Don't worry, I'm getting really good at getting left alone.

Ear Candy: "MTIFF Stomp" by my friend Jack's band

Updates on life as I live it:

- new house with Cheryl. It's hella retro and funky, and I love it so much. We're near the school, and Mark and Moe and Jewy and Jimmy. We have two record players, and a garden, and everything we have is from thrift stores and garage sales. I love it. We still don't have beds, so we are sleeping on the floor in the living room in a cuddle puddle with Jack, who doesn't actually live with us, but he might as well.

- Charley and I broke up. Creative differences. I'm actually ok.

- Birthday in less than a week. It doesn't feel like it. But I am stoked to be able to buy beer when I want it.

- Show opened, is going well. I love my deck crew SO much. And it feels good to be reminded why I love theatre so much. And it feels even better to have people tell me that I am good at my job.

- Sprained my ankle. Called the Stage Manager from the lawn that I fell on, took all necessary precautions in case I couldn't get out of the ER in time for the show, and then painted my crutches black so that I could take them backstage. Haven't missed a beat. Trooper Award.

- It feels good to have crushes again. I missed that excitement.

- Quitting at Crabtree. Can't handle that shit anymore. SRT job this summer, super stoked on it. Not stoked to find a new job at the end of summer.

- Things are changing, and I think for the better. I am excited to see what comes next.

~ e

The weight of the world is love

Ear Candy: Jack's band shredding

The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction

the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

Who can deny?
In dreams
it touches
the body,
in thought
constructs
a miracle,
in imagination
anguishes
till born
in human--
looks out of the heart
burning with purity--
for the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
wearily,
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love.

No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams
of love--
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels
or machines,
the final wish
is love
--cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold
if denied:

the weight is too heavy

--must give
for no return
as thought
is given
in solitude
in all the excellence
of its excess.

The warm bodies
shine together
in the darkness,
the hand moves
to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye--

yes, yes,
that's what
I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body
where I was born.

i find myself knowing the things that i knew

...which is all you can know on this side of the blue.

Ear Candy: "This Side of the Blue" by Joanna Newsom

it has been crazy raining for the last 24 hours, and i love it. the huge hail and the lightening last night were amazing. i love the rain, because it makes everything clean and alive and new again, and it washed away everything that can't cling on. my life always makes more sense when it is raining, and i feel myself surrounded by a sense of calm. it's really nice. being in my bed when it is raining makes me feel safe, and alive, and comfy and cozy. right now, outside has the strangest light i have ever seen, it almost looks like it is glowing. i feel like something big and amazing is about to happen, and i can't wait to see what it is.

also, cheryl and jordan and i think we found an awesome house. yay. and if jordan bails (again) we have an awesome house without him.

and the play opens in two weeks.

and birthday is in three weeks.

the times, they are a-changin'.

i love being in love, and i don't care what it does from me

Ear Candy: "Inches and Falling" by The Format

The honeymoon is definitely over. Yep.

Time for real life now. My my, how quickly the times have changed.

there are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

Ear Candy: "Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie" by Joanna Newsom

Sometimes, my life feels a lot like standing on the beach while waves run over your feet. You can feel all of the sand slipping away from you, but you stay in the same place.

Yeah, sometimes that's how life feels.

i loved you more

Ear Candy: "In My Life" by The Beatles

Everything is poised in such a way that makes me think that I should be really happy with the way my life is going. But, for whatever reason, I'm not. I am doing well in school, and I like all of my classes. I feel like there is finally a chance that I could get what I want from all of this hard work, like it could all actually ammount to something. And in the theatre, everyone keeps telling me what a great job I am doing, and I am loving my work there. And I have an amazing boyfriend who I feel so lucky to have. And yet, I'm still not happy.

Harry died last week, and I know that is a large part of why I am so upset. I loved him so much. I still do. He was my mom's dog, and as stupid as it sounds, he was like having a piece of her around. A living, breathing part that could love me, and check up on me. He was always so intuitive, and I was sure that was why. It was kind of like losing her again. The next day, my house felt colder. Kerry left, and my dad doesn't really want to be there. It was nice having another living thing to come home to, one who was happy to see me. Now, it feels like I have nothing to come home to, like there is no such thing as home.

Lately, people keep telling me how unpleasant I am, in so many words. LDL, the director of my play, told me my voice was severe and unpleasant, and that I have no warmth. And lately, Charley has been telling me that I am too hard on him, or that I am mean to him, and it broke my heart a little bit to hear that. Because I try so hard to express how much I care about the people in my life, and I try to be kind, and respectful, and compassionate, and it always seems to fall flat. I think I am just emotionally retarded or something. It just sucks to feel like the people who see me at my most vulnerable maybe don't see me at all.

Every time someone tells me that I am mean, or scary, or severe, or cold, it breaks my heart a little, and cripples my patchy self-esteem. It makes me question what kind of awful person would ever be able to love a monster like the one I am described as. It makes me worry that there maybe isn't someone for everyone, and that means that there might not be someone for me, that I could spend the rest of my life looking for someone who makes me happy who feels the same way about me, but that I maybe don't have that effect on people.

Emo panda. Ugh. Time to buck the fuck up.