So I just smiled and turned up the Ratatat

Ear Candy: "Seventeen Years" by Ratatat

One thing I have learned from my father is that it is easier to study someone as a text book instructs you to rather than getting to know a person. [SIDE NOTE: My father is a very "left-brain thhinker", he is a doctor, a former chemist and former math and science teacher. He likes things to be smiple and "by the book."] When my mom died, my dad bought a bunch of books on parenting teenagers, so that he could "better understand me".Of course I see the logic in reading a book about "teens like me", rather than talking to me or spending time getting to know the teen that is me. He then opts to pay a therapist to talk to me once a week so that she too can classify me and make me into a simple vocab list that my doctor daddy can understand. And he is happy with this, so long as one of those vocab words isn't "average".

A moment brought to you by Erin's Inner Monologue:
I exist in three ways: as I see myself, as I wish I was, and as others see me. And most others see me as a "text book example"; a statistic.

I am a butterfly, wings spread and pinned to a cork board with some creep, who will most likely take his cousin to his senior prom, studying me. Perhaps this is a smidgen of an exaggeration, as my daddy took a real date to his senior prom... But either way, I am judged by a cross section of the population that was "studied" and written about by a group of doctors so out of touch with the nation's youth that one would think they had never been young, but rather been born out of one of the test tubes they are so fond of. Do test tube babies grow up resenting the scientists? Or the test tubes? I am not judged on my own merits.

Yet another, ever-memorable, moment brought to you by Erin's Inner Monologue:
I love telling people what I think, but often I wonder if they really care. Which is why I write... Sometimes it feels like I have more thoughts in my head than I know what to do with, and I have to trap them somehow, before I lose them.

Mrs. Butler is always encouraging me; encouraging me to write, encouraging me to express myself by any means necessary, encouraging me to be creative, and of course, encouraging me to date her college students. (And which three of those four I am engaging in at this moment is your guess...) I hope that everyone has at least one teacher who becomes more than just homework and grade points, because sometimes the encouragement that comes from the most unexpected places is the most helpful.

Going back to my earlier themes of perception, for so long I have been "the bitchy one", and I am not sure that is really an entirely fair perception. True, I have a bit of an edge, and in many ways I think I have earned it. But overall, I think I am a pretty laid-back, chill person, although I do have many undeniable quirks. One of the best "inadvertant compliments" I have gotten recently was from a friend of mine who told me that often, he couldn't handle me when he was high. Now, this could be considered an insult, and initially, that is how I took it too. But then he continued on with what he was saying, and I couldn't help but smile. He said that when he is in a less-than-sober state, everything is magnified, and that because normally I am such a nice person, that when magnified, it can be overwhelming, even fake seeming, even though when in a state of sobreity he knows I am genuine. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and turned up the Ratatat.

I try to be nice, and I have grown so much as a person, even in just the last six months. Hopefully, I have grown into someone people feel that they can relate to. Everything is a learning experience, and although it has taken me this long to realize this, but the fact that I am learning day to day, in my opinion, shows the true depth of my character.

Yet ANOTHER, short yet sweet moment brought to you by Erin's Inner Monologue:
Do you ever feel more profound in your head than you do on paper? I do.

But because I am a very determined person, I am determined to show people everything about me that I fear they overlook. I want the me that I see, and the me that everyone else sees to be one and the same. But isn't that the goal of everyone? To be not who everyone wants them to be, but rather to have the person that everyone wants them to be to be exactly who they are?

If you read this and it makes you think, I love you.

~E

Light up, as if you had a choice...

Ear Candy: "Run" by Snow Patrol

"How can you write real life when real life is becoming more and more like fiction?"

(If you are laughing at my use of a Rent quote, picture me kicking your ass.)

Well, I suppose that then you write fiction, perhaps, largely-affected-by-real-life fiction. The challenge to writing fiction is to not be cliche and to create characters with believable depth. And the challenge posed by using real life as your muse, at least for your's truly, is what to do when your life is a cliche and and you hardly believe your friends sometimes. My life as a cliche: the ever-sarcastic, strong-willed hippie bohemian struggling to come into her own with a creative revolution she can finally be proud of (or finish?); a sister who fights with trying to be different from her sister while at the same time the same, and always striving for self; the father, a widower who doesn't know what to do without her or what to do with two dauhters whom he knows more in theory than reality. A teenager screaming to be heard.

My amazing, mulit-faceted friends can be classified, labeled, evensometimes predicted. But they are never static, because to be a static, one must be dull, and we are anything but. And we are ever incstual, our heart strings getting tugged towards each other like freakin; marionettes; oblivious to the unintentional damaga we cause. But I am never the girl that turns heads, breaks hearts, even gets a double take. I hardly warrant an eye brow raise. The only The only ones who tell me I'm beautiful are my dad (who has to?) and my best friend, who is gorgeous anyway, so it doesn't count.

A moment brought to you by Erin's Inner Monologue:
If I love myself so much (and I do), then why do I have such a strong desire to be pretty?


Continuing along with my theme of dis-engaged heart strings and me not being the girl who gets the boy, I find myself looking at other girls, asking the ever cliche "what does she had that I don't?" Or perhaps, more aptly, "What makes him so painfully oblivious to what I have got?" The right guy is always so perfec-seeming, one (namely me) is left with an overwhelming feeling of "I'm not worthy!" I wonder what I can do to be memorable, or to stand out without having to go for shock value.


Another moment brought to you by Erin's Inner Monologue
I want to be "that girl", as in "who is that girl?!"

If you stop and listen to your inner monologue, then I love you.
~E

Am I not pretty enough?

Ear Candy: "Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers

Of course I said I wasn't mad. What was I supposed to do? Scream? Cry? Tell you how honestly hurt I am? Were you ever going to tell me, or just wait for me to realize it. So I'm suddenly not good enough? On what grounds did you base that? Or were you trying to protect me by not telling me, keep me from hurting that much longer? Well, thank GOD you didn't ruin my day, what with me ripping my favorite jeans, burning myself at work (not to mention we ran out of aprons, so i didn't get to wear one, and i was splashed with dishwater in a manner so strategic that i managed to give the impression that my left breast was lactating for the better part of tonight), a pointless rehersal, another let down, and schloemp telling me that my essay was bad and i wouldn't get into college. Thank you, dear dear friend, for dumping me on my ass. Did you think to ask me? Or did you even think about me at all? Did you even care? How does it feel to be a sellout?

" When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about "

A hug and a "don't be mad, i still love you" don't quite cut it. Not that they ever have. I'm not mad, I'm hurt, and I am disappointed. Why am I supposed to be the graceful, understanding one. Understand what?! That I'm not good enough? I don't think I ever have been. for being such a loud, seemingly confident person, I am very insecure. And my friends are supposed to be my safety net. What do I do when they drop me? An once again, she gets picked over me. And the jury is not surprised.

If you can be sure this isn't about you, then I love you.

~E

Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies...

Ear Candy: "Forever Young" by Alphaville

I went and saw Elizabeth Town with Quinnie after school today; it was fabulous. I liked it better than Garden State, which I loved. It was beuatiful as Cameron Crowe is pretty much amazing, and the best ever. The story, the acting, the dialogue, were all wonderful. And the cinematography was brilliant. I loved it.

But it made me so sad. I was crying, and not just for the movie, for me. I have been thinking about her so much lately. What with it being my senior year and then I am leaving home, and my dad talking about getting married and replacing her, and just in general, all of the things that I don't have her to do with me. In the movie, he went on a road trip with his dad's ashes. He talked to his father, and got to say good bye. He had all of his memories. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. Out of everything, there is only one thing that I really want. I want her back. I want her to hug me, and tell me she loves me, and that she is proud of me, and to have a mom again. I am so lost and confused in the way that only my mom could help me with, and I think I am stuck lost. I just don't understand it. I miss her so much it kills me. Aunt Shannon and Kathleen and everyone tell me that I am just like her, that she would be proud, blah blah blah. I never got the chance to know if I am like her. Because I never got to know her as anything more than my mommy who made me sandwiches and took me to ballet and made the costumes and did hot lunch at school and yelled at Bethany's mother for being dumb (which is apparently genetic). And how do they know what she would think? She isn't here to say it.

God is supposed to love us. To protect us. Good things happen to those who are good, and the wicked are punished, right? Then why the fuck did such and amazing, genuinely good woman who cared so much for everyone around her suffer like that? And why did I have to watch my mother, my fucking mother, decompose? Forget my name and who I was, lose her hair, her body, her mind, and be swallowed up by something that no God could have ever wished on anyone. Where the hell was God? And what am I supposed to do know? If God isn't watching out for us, then who is? I can't put my faith in Him. I am faithless.

I think I have been talking about her more lately, and I am sorry if that makes everyone uncomfortable, I am sure it must be hard to know what to say or how to react, and I don't blame you. Nor do I want you to pity me or anything like that.

I'm not really sure what brought this all on. I'm sorry...

If you love the people who love you so much it hurts, I'm hurting for you,

~E

The innocent can never last...

Ear Candy: "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day

Ok, so kick me for being cliche, but I love this song... It strikes a chord with me for some reason.

Last night was phenomenal. It was perfect. Getting lost has never been so fun. James has never been more amazing, and he only cracked under pressure once. Bitches from Arizona have never been bitchier. Back spasms have never been funnier. Wilco has never sounded more like Coldplay (*cough*). Chessecake has NEVER been tastier, nor more well deserved. The Castro has never been cuter. And I doubt any of us have ever done that much impromptu sight seeing before. The city has never been prettier, or more perfect.

I loved every moment of last night, from the faces being made at passing drivers, to all the getting lost, to the good food with great company, and it feeling like Devin's daddy was with us, he called so much... Dinner is always better at Midnight. James telling us repetedly that last night was the best night ever reiterated the point in my mind. There is nothing I would have rather done last night. And I must say, that was the right number and mix of people. Yay us. (Not that we didn't miss you Megs.)

If you love San Francisco, I love you.

~E

Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Ear Candy: "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Ani DiFranco

Typing things is cold. I know that it should be the same as writing things down, but it never is. I have so many thoughts and ideas, and I can pour them through my hand into the pen and watch the pen flood the paper with my heart, and it will feel warm. But when I get to the computer to spill my ideas onto it, I am suddenly empty. Everything bubbles right underneath my surface, and I can’t think. I am frustrated. It is cold and unfeeling. Handwriting is different for everyone, but on a computer, we all type the same. We all have the same fonts; we all use the same spell check. Typing things makes them impersonal. This makes me sad, because if I take the time to write something, then it means something. And how can I convey that if it is all the same? I wish I could hand write a novel; but my handwriting is crap, so perhaps not…

If you have random moments where you feel the need to share your thoughts, I love you.

~E

I might never reach you...

Ear Candy: "Writing to Reach You" by Travis

I am not saying divorce. I am not saying never again, and I am not saying hate. But I am tired. Tired of all of this. I feel like I am speaking fucking Japanese or something. I am probably a little therapy brat, but I honestly feel like things can be fixed by talking. They can, but only if you are listening. But you hear what you want to hear. And that isn't anything that I am saying. I have been screaming at you, crying at you, whispering, anything and everything, just trying to reach you. To make you hear me. And I don't think you ever will. I loved you. I love you. I would have done anything for you. What we were was real. But you threw it away on the pursuit of something that will never be real. And I can't wait forever for you to figure that all out.

It is not about the boy. I need to make that very clear. Because as far as he goes, you two deserve each other. (And yes, you could have said no. You could have handled it gracefully, or tactfully, or thinking even a little bit... But there is no attention to be gained from doing it that way. Did you get your applause?) It is what he represents, the fact that you always have, and always will put yourself and trivial wants before us. And so often have I given up what I wanted to satisfy you. And I am really not sure how you have repaid me. You abandoned me, knife to the heart style, last year when I needed you more than ever. Sure, maybe I keep throwing it in your face. And yeah, you apologized for that, but we never talked about it. Not really anyway. And it still stings like it was yesterday. It killed me, and you laugh it off like it was nothing. No more trivial than you losing a shirt you borrowed.

You aren't being the girl I know. Why do you need fake love so much? And if you want love, then why are you pushing away all the people who really care about you? And here is what I don't understand: How no matter what, I am always the one who will get hurt. Everytime, you get you get your trophy, and I get my heartache.

I feel like I am crying more than laughing with/because of you now adays... Were things ever good with us, or was it always like this? Last night, I kept remembering bad things that just made me so upset. I want all this bad to go away. But honestly, nothing you say will fix anything. Because your words are empty. You say one thing, and then the next minute you are off doing the exact thing I just told you was killing me.

You will probably read this. You will do what you always do, get defensive and mad and say, "Erin is such a selfish bitch!". Then cry to everyone, try to turn them against me, get your support team behind you to glare at me and not hug me good bye, ignore everything that I am saying, and then tell me you love me, and apologize, tell me how confused and sad and ugly and horrible you are and how you need me. And then nothing will change. Don't get defensive, just open your eyes.

Am I a bitch for posting this? Quite possibly, but it needs to be said. I am not holding this in anymore, it is poison on my soul, and I need to [finally] do something for me.

I quit.

If you heard a fucking word I just said, or even bothered to read this whole thing, I love you.

~E

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week

Ear Candy: "Portions of Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

I am so smurfing pissed off. And the worst part is, there isn't really any particular reason that I can pinpoint, or anyone I can blame. But what it all basically comes down to is that I am a pushover. I always am the one that backs down, and lets other people get what I want to avvoid a fight. I am always the one who tells myself that I don't deserve to be happy, to get what I want, which is incredibly hypocritical of me to do that, because I am always telling other people that they deserve to be happy. But then why am always the one who ends up sad? The roles in plays (or musicals) and boys, and even when we go shopping and both try on a dress that looks good on both of us, I let her have it. WHY?!

Currently, my biggest issue is with my friend, let's call her Margot*. She is incredibly self righteous. Everything in life that she wants, she assumes that she deserves. And not only that she deserves it, but that she is the only person who is worthy of having it. Everything is always about her, whether or not it actually is. I can't actually remember the last time my opinion counted for smurf, or that I even finished a smurfing sentence without her either cutting me off or start fidgeting with the anticipation of having her turn to hear herself talk while saying pretty much nothing. She assumes that she is always the leader of everything, that she is always the best, and she makes herself a part of things that she has no business being a part of. And, on the very slim off chance that she is rooting for someone in lip service, she will then procede to turn around and stab them in the back, if not directly. And the worst part of all, she will tell you the entire time how she is so unworthy, how you are so much better, even though she struts around like she is god's gift to mankind. SMURF THAT.

I have had a thing for Peter* on and off for the better part of five years. And I have watched him hook up with [repetedly], date, and hurt many friends of mine, all of whom [repetedly] assured me that my time would come, that I was so pretty and so smart, and so wonderful and how could he not see that? Apparently, very easily. And dear, DEAR Margot herself was the front runner on the most recent "Oh my God, you guys are totally perfect for each other, it would totally happen" campaign, has once again, pulled some classic Margot action, and made it all about her. Telling Peter to his face how much she likes him, how much she wanted to be with him, and apparently, he would want to be with her too, were he to be in any sort of relationshippy place. WAIT. HOLD THE SMURFING PHONES. WHAT?!?! Was she not just telling me that she was totally rooting for me? Bull smurfing smurf if you ask me.

Where is my vindication? Is there no smurfing justice in this world? I think I cannow definitively say that I know what it feels like to be kharmically smurf slapped by a six-armed goddess. I am seriously just getting incredibly tired of everyone letting her have her way. Her dreams; her boys; her roles; her songs; her choice of what we listen to in the car, even if I want to hear something else, or hatethe song she has picked. Does anyone care about my vote? SMURF NO!

And the worst part? I get labled the insensitive bitchy"bad friend" for thinking any of this. It is getting really hard to love people when you are freezing your ass off in their shadow and they just borrowed your sweatshirt.

If you have lent me a sweatshirt in the last 18 months, I love you.

~E (who shall, heretoafter be referred to as Anne Frank. No Jew comments, please. Mother smurfers...)

Could we please be objective?

Ear Candy: "Seeing Other People" by Belle and Sebastian

Did you miss me? I haven't written anything in so long, I doubt anyone still even reads this. So many times I have had so much to say, and I had every intention of sitting down and pouring my heart and mind into my key board, but each time would sit down with a purpose and get up not quite remembering what that purpose was.

I hate those posts that just summariaze life, because if you really were so curious about my life, I suppose you could just pick up the phone and call me. I am finding friends in the strangest of places, hands reaching out to me from places I would not have forseen. And then there are the old friends who I feel like I have lost (or maybe never had?) And my heart strings are being fired up in the starangest, and oldest of places. Isn't it funny how you can bury something into your heart and forget about it, seemingly having destroyed it, and then months later it can rear its ugly head? I don't think I will ever understand my own emotions. And I don't think I would ever want to.

People are so surprising. I find out new things about the people I thought I knew at every turn in the road. Dimensions make me love people more. And isn't it strange and funny how people take things and call them their own, and only you know the truth? When suddenly you become a fallower of your own ideas? That doesn't sound so bad, but I hate being told what I thought...

I am suddenly overcome with a paniced feeling, like I have no future, like there is nothing for me after high school, and maybe I am not so smart after all? What happens when I am sitting there with a pile of seven letters and none of them want me? What then? What happens when there is no one who wants me?

If you love me, I love you.

~E

I'll be alright, as long as you stay with me...

Ear Candy: "Stay With Me (Brass Bed)" by Josh Gracin

Tonight was the best, the worst, the most... I can't even describe it. Tonight was the worst I have felt in a very long time, the first time in seemingly forever I have cried... At least about her... I love/need/hate/miss her more than anything. And I don't talk about it, or think about it, but it is there. And tonight I felt it. And I cried. And then my angel was there.

Tonight was seven years. Seven years of crying, laughing, loving, hating, boys, girls, fighting, living. Seven years that I couldn't have done and wouldn't have loved if I hadn't had my angel with me. Claire Bear, you are my everything. My best friend, my rock, my sense of humor, my smile in the morning (especially mornings where I wake up because you are jumping on me.) my sister. I needed you, you were there. I knew you would be, because you always are. You always have been. And I hope you always will be.

Here's to being 40 with better hair than our moms at 40, and for never having to fight Spiderman. Here's to tanning now and buying new skin later. Here's to F*R*I*E*N*D*S and friends. Here's to "hanky" and "hankies" and sweet sweet heroine coursing through our veins when we're eighty. And jumping in front of buses while most certainly not wearing diapers.

I love you. You saved me yet again. We win at life.

I love you girlee! You are delightfully rhuddabomb. TURTLE POWER!

~E

If you need to fall apart, I can mend your broken heart.

Ear Candy: "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden

... and then I floated home on a cloud.

Crush definitely back in the ring, fists a' flyin'. Who was I kidding? I was never over it.

If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. And I love you.

~E

Put the knife back in the medicine cabinet

Ear Candy: "Nine Things Everybody Knows" by Q and not U

I am sad/happy/excited/confused. First off, boys who have girlfriends should not kiss girls who are not their girlfriends. It is not nice to third party girl. But whatever...

Friday was the last day of school, which means that as of 12:12 Friday, I am a SENIOR!!!!! I am so excited for next year. Senior year is the best year of your life, apparently, and I need a wonderful year after this one... I was so sad that all my seniors are leaving, but Friday night as I watched them all graduate, I was brimming with pride, and I couldn't stop smiling. Geez, I am worse than the Country Club grandma I was sitting next to... She would laugh everytime we cheered for someone. But it is summer now, and i have three months with them all (well, one with Shane, who I am going to miss so much!!) and that is yay.

Ear Candy: "Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck" by the Blood Brothers

Went to Steffie's grad party this afternoon, which was nice because I got to hang out with everyone. Archie was home, and so was Nani. I took an unusually large amount of shit today, and some on very sensitive subjects. I laugh about it, but honestly, I am not ok with it. There are certain people who really don't know when to quit. And I am tired of it. Yes, I have a big nose, but accept it and fucking move on, it is REALLY not that funny. The same old jokes are growing very tiresome, and I am tired of laughing like I think it is funny. It feels like lying. I realize that most people continue to joke because it prevents them from being the center of the mockery, but why does it have to be there at all? Is it impossible to be friends with someone and not be mean to them? There is a point where it stops being funny.

what rhymes with pity?

I don't want this to be a big deal, I don't want drama, and I don't need another Canadian dinner. But seriously, I can only have so much grace under pressure before I just get tired of it!

Brianna: If you are reading this, I miss you like crazy. And you owe me tea.

If you aren't being an asshole, I love you.

~E

Going to the beach...

Ear Candy: xsurfx by Heckacopter

Does it make me groupie if I am a. listening to their album, and 2. if it automatically puts me into a better mood? Whatever, groupie or otherwise, I like that they are friends of mine, and it is fun to dance to.

No, this is not a fanatical "Oh my god, I love Ethan and Dillon SOOOOOOO much!!!! They are so fucking hot!!!111!!one!! lolzies!!" entry.

I am so fucking ready for school to be over, but I am really sad to say goodbye to all my seniors. I know that we will, for the most part, still be friends. But it will be weird being at Montgomery without you all. Oh well, I get to go to graduation, so that will be a good time for me to get to cry like a pathetic little child and shamelessly drape myself over all of you whilest begging for you not to leave me... Perhaps that is a dramatization.

I don't think there is much of a point to this. Eeew, icky ex-boyfriend is talking to me. Does he think we're friends or something? He must have missed the memo... And who could have predicted that he is still a pompous ass hole?! (*drowns in pool of own sarcasm*)

Job applications are calling my name... Call me, I'm boreddddd!

If you aren't being hounded by creepy ex's, I love you. And i'm jealous.


~E

Un Monde Parfait

Ear Candy: "Un Monde Parfait" par Ilona et Tres Bien

Dans unmonde parfait, I would be able to take French IB/AP next year avec Madame Melvin and everything would be tres jolie. However, dans le monde tres merde I am currently inhabiting, I can't. When the Madames sat down to make the schedule for next year, they forgot to take into consideration the choir kids.... Backs were bent over in a general backwards direction for the fucking student gov kids (I can't possibly express how much I deteste Miriam Briceno... Abhor?) and the class has been moved from it's cozy position in fourth period to second period to accomodate the brats. This would seem to work fabulous were it not for the fact that I take choir second period. I already didn't take Concert choir this year to accomodate French into my schedule, but I am not doing it again. There are more choir kids than gov kids, and the choir kids have been in the program longer, but we are being overlooked, and I am very sad about this.

Ear Candy: "Quand On Cherche l'Amour" par Natasha St. Pierre

I love taking French very, very much. I love the culture, I love the language and speaking it, and I love the Madames, but I am feeling very, very slighted here... I moved schedules so that I could fit in French, assuming that it was fourth period. I dropped another elective, and a free period so that I could fit everything, and now I can't even take it. I am really just sad about this... J'aime le francais.

Si tu parle le francais, je t'aime.

~E

I'm the lyrical gangsta...

Ear Candy: "Hot stepper" by Ini Kamoze

Tracks flash back to surfing in St. Babs with Jo on the kyaks... We are awesome.

We finished editing our movie today, and it is one big pat on the back to James Ryall... Credits: "A James Ryall Film" "Directed by James Ryall" "Edited by James Ryall" "Written by James Ryall" "Starring James Ryall"... wow.

but it is totally bitching, and my feet make a cameo, and Schloempy called it "perfection" and James does get mad props, and I am happy. (See, I told you I would write a blog about it...)

If you love movies, I love you more.

~E

Popepopepopepopepope *to the tune of Vadar march*

Ear Candy: "The Imperial March" by John Williams

Ok, so I apologize for the über emo-ness of the previous post. Yeah, I am not going to detail it all right now, I am not really in the right mood for it, but maybe later?

This weekend was spent recovering from my week in Healdsburg, and apprently missed out on a very exciting weekend. But whatever, hopefully there will be a party this weekend I can go to? I really have no idea what happened to Ben, I have heard a lot of different stories, and I am not entirely sure, so I don't talk about it like I have all the details. Whatever the the actual events, all I can say is that I really hope that he is ok. That is kinda the only important part, right?
However, due to these unfortunate events, we have decided, as a group (or part of the group anyway) to instigate new policies regarding parties:
- underclassmen are no longer allowed to drink or smoke at our parties. If they want to drink or smoke or whatever on their own time, that is fine, but not at parties anymore.
- the seniors are in charge of parties (a power that is not to be abused)
* if the party is being held at the home of a junior, or sophmore, they also assume responsibility.
- as bitchy as it sounds, perhaps the attendence of underclassmen should be a case-to-case situation? I am not trying to be exclusive, nor was this even my idea, but honestly, a large part of this incident sounds like people not knowing their limits combined with immaturity.

In my opinion, precautionary actions need to be taken in order to prevent more incidents like this, seeing as had Ben not been put out when he was, two more seconds and he would have died. I don't think any of us are really prepared to deal with that, I know I am not.

This weekend is a three day weekend, and because I did not get to hang out with any of you, so you owe me!!! *shakes non-intimidating fist*

I love you with a firey passion (BAD pun!)

~E

It's my heart your dealing with, and it's my heart you break...

Ear Candy: "My Heart" by The Perishers

Last night broke my heart.

Not a word I heard could I relate

Ear Candy: "Kashmir" by Led Zepplin (kickin' it old school)

Prom tonight.

I am jealous of the boys who don't have hug hectic days getting ready!! I am also proud of myself that I got my nails done yesterday, one less thin I had to worry about today. In 20 minutes, I have to go get my hair done, and then not lean on anything so it won't get ruined until 6:50, after that fuck it... Going to Mags's to get ready, so somene can do my make up for me, hopefully... I still need to do my eye brows, pick up the boutinere and confirm my after party plans... Haven't talked to Paul today yet, but am growing increasingly thrilled with the headset for my phone... It is my hero...

I am through boring you all now..

I hope everyone has a fabulous evening!!!

I love you all in formal wear.

~E

Just like you said it would be...

Ear Candy: "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice

I was fine.

I was completely ok. I had forgotten. No, not forgotten, but pushed from my mind. Made my peace, moved on. I was happy, it was far from my mind, I had moved on. But now this...

Out of sight, out of mind. What do I do when I know that it is there again? There is no temptation when the temtaion is removed, but whatabout when it is returned? I don't want that, any of it. I am so glad to be rid of it.

So then why do I feel so sad when I see pictures? And why do I now feel sick to my stomach knowing that?

I need to not love you.

~E

If you don't ask the right questions, every answer feels wrong

Ear Candy: "Hell Yeah" by Ani DiFranco

GAH! I hate my dad right now. SO much! And I thought we were making progress and getting along and everything, and then he has to go be a total asshole and fuck everything up again. I am so tired of this.

And I have to stay in MARIN with my grandparents for a WEEK while he goes on some trip with his buddies and they have to drive me to Santa Rosa to go to school every day because he doesn't trust me home by myself anymore, due to the horrendous train wreck that was Sweenstock.

Happy fucking birthday to me. (He won't even let me have a birthday party, parties are so banned in my house.)

And I am sick. I so don't even need this!! And Bush canceled the O.C. damn him. (Yeah, I said negative things about the president in a public forumn, so if I mysteriously disappear, someone may need to come to Cuba and bail me out of Guantanamo Bay... Ah, the Patriot Act in action... )

Ack, I am pissed off and my dad is being annoying and pestering me. Thank you for O.C. night, even if Bush hates the O.C. and took it off, seeing you all was perfect.

I'll write later.

If you aren't pissing me off right now, I love you.

~E

If you want to find somebody else that's better, go ahead...

Ear Candy: "Go Ahead" by Rilo Kiley

I am not crazy. I am tired of being told that I am crazy. I have heard it so much I am actually starting to believe it. My dad and everyone else seems to think that I am suicidal and crazy, and dangerous or something stupid like that... I don't feel like I am allowed to function. My dad has had me medicated and in therapy since I was eleven, and now five years later I am still saying the same thing, "I don't need this". I am not depressed! I am not in any way interested in killing myself. I am fine just being as I am.

I will never measure up. I will never be as good at things as my dad wants me to be, and I am ok with that, but he can't accept it. I like to sing, but I will never be great at it. I like to dance, but I am not a dancer. I like to swim, but I am not fast nor will I ever be. I am tired of being told to try harder and of what I am capable of when how the hell does anyone but me know what those are?! I am fine with the person I am turning into. There are so many good qualities to me and why is that not enough? I am smart, but I am not motivated to do well in school because it is not the right environment for me. I hate the structure; I feel trapped. Trapped by his expectations and the disappointed looks and the fasley calm tone to his voice when he is telling me how I should be better.

I will never be him, and I am ok with that. Why isn't he? My dad is suddenly realizing that I am going to be gone soon, and he wants to get closer to me. Can't he see all he is doing is pushing me away? I want to have a good cry over this or something, but it is so freaking stupid!! I won't let myself! Jo and I just had a talk about someone else bitching about stuff like this, and yet here I am doing the same thing!! And what is worse, I hate hippocrites. But I do not hate myself! I am not a bad person and I am tired of hearing that I am not good enough; I am.

I am good at so many things, just not the things he wants me to be good at. I am a good writer, but not a fast runner. I am not ugly, but I will never be the pretty one. I am not the one in a crowd that stands out, and if we have only met once, you probably won't remember me, but that's ok. He still has Kerry, right?

If you love yourself, I love you too.

~E

Do you see what I see?

Ear Candy: "They" by Jem

So this is a short post to just say that I love Megan, my non-girlfriend. (i know she reads this, so...)
Megs, you are amazing. You are so sure of yourself, and so beautiful and smart, and creative, and delightfully dorky, and off beat, and soooo funny!! I love you! You always make me feel so much better, and give me little pick-me-ups. You know me so well, and I love it... I am not really sure how to put it all into words, and I am sure this sounds dumb and incoherent, but you are for sure wonderful and amazing and fabbity fab fab and I love you. Thank you for being you, always you and no one but you. Thank you for not having a fake soul. You rock me.

I love you (especially if your name starts with "M" and ends in "-atteberry"

~E

Tell Me What You Want to Know

Ear Candy: "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" by The Killers

+++++ I have a date for prom
++++ I am actually 100% sure that I do this time... hehehe
+ Star Search was awesome yesterday
+++++++ Good talks with Katie Cooney
- Not hanging out with Andrew last night
+ Meeting Lisa (she's so cute!)
--- Taylor is a poon
++++++++++++++ My prom dress (is the BEST!)
+++ Did I mention how fab it was?
+ Seeing Brie at the coffee shop yesterday
- No OC night with the gang
+++ Talking to Laursies
+ "Presents" from very cool people I just met (not as sketchy as it sounds)
-- Waking up to early
+++ Going to the city today!
-- Brie being gone at the Ershered-out Hanson wedding
-- Not having talked to Shane since I got home
++++++++ Hugs

If you're happy and you know it, I love you.

(I love you even if you aren't sure)

~E

You're So Fucking Special

Ear Candy: "Creep" by Radiohead (again. I am addicted)

+ Five days away from school
-- Missing Taylor's show (and Taylor)
+ Everyone liking my skirt
- Noticing a sequin fall of
+++ My prom dress that Caitie and I are making
++Canada
--------------------------------- My iPod being stolen
++ Rob being awesome and sweet and making me feel better
------ My dad being a bitch
+- Andrew being the new me
------- My project for Fishman not being done
++ Leaving in 10 and a half hours
--- Not seing all of you before I leave
-- No prom date

I hate today. It can blow me. And it was looking so good.

If you care, I love you.

~E

I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Ear Candy: "Creep" by Radiohead

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!

Gah, I hate this so so sooooo much!!! FUCK THIS!!! AHHH!! Am crying to hard, can't focus on anything. need to pack for Canadia trip. I love you all, I hope your evening is better than mine.

~E

I Think a Change Will Do You Good

Ear Candy: "A Change" by Sheryl Crow (despite the fact that she is a dirty homewrecker, the song is appropriate)

LALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA!!! I am sooo happy right now!

Now, because I am (apparently) a trend follower (unintentional, everyone just beat me to the inevitable) I have new hair. Well, it is my old hair with a fabulous new twist. I love it! And only two of you have seen it... Whatev, it is fab. I wish everyone a good hair day.

If you are reading this, I love you (and your hair).

I am completely insane. And I love it!

~E

Everytime you close your eyes: Lies! Lies!

Ear Candy: "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

ARG! There are some days where I just hate being me... Katie and I went out for a long run with the dogs this morning and then laid out for a while. I got a fabulous sunburn from the run, so I now have a wife beater burned into my back. Charming. Kerry freaked out on me because I had borrowed her bikini top to tan in (she had all of mine for Hawaii) and then went even crazier when I found a bunch of my stuff (we are talking half a suitcase) in her laundry from the trip when I was putting it in the dryer for her. She started screaming about how I am a liar, and that they aren't my clothes, and that she can't live with me anymore, and she went completely insane, screaming and throwing things, and sobbing... It kind of freaked me out.

I had dinner with my dad and uncle, which is usually fun. Except that my uncle berated me and chastised me and talked down to me for an hour and a half because of last weekend, and basically made me feel like utter shit. So now I am home, alone and miserable because my poor dad who has to put up with all of us, and my sister have gone to the grocery store.

I hate being me right now. I want to cry, but I know I won't. I won't feel better, just stupid for crying. And nothing will be accomplished. Crying only feels good when there is someone to comfort you and to brush the tears off. Doing it yourself feels empty and sad. I am tired of being empty, and of being looked down on and talked down to. I am not a bad person!!! I am not a criminal, or a punked out thug kid with no goals. I have goals! I am a good kid! I have not thrown my life away and ruined my future. My uncle says I have. I wanted my friends to have a place to play, and to have a good time, and now I apparently have no future. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I don't even know anymore. Fuck this, I am so not happy. I need to get out of here. I need to go far away. I need to go to the beach hardcore. I need to go to bed.

If you are reading this, and not just because you have nothing else to do, but because you really want to know what I have to say, I love you.

~E

I'd dig a tunnel from my window to yours

Ear Candy: "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire

Last night made me happy. Dinner on the couch talking and driving in circles makes me feel happy and good and needed and all that wonderful stuff. I have been in a really weird mood lately. Comfortable and very chill, and very tired. Every muscle in my body hurts, and I am on the brink of collapsing. but I have neevr felt more alive. Much flirting with cute boy, much rock (even rock with neg. after effects), much fun with my girls. All of them. I am loving everything and everyone right now. I am happy to be alive. I really wish I could drive. Like, so so so much. Driving = freedom. Erin = wearing an ankle bracelet.

On another note, another friend (totally different from the last pseudo-anonymous rant post) has been making me make my grrrrr face lately. I am not going to use her name, even though I think that it is pretty obvious who it is... But whatever, I'll let you guess, because I am doing this for my own venting purposes, not for gossiping purposes. If I wanted to gossip, I would be saying this, not writing it.

So my friend Velora* has been getting on my nerves hardcore lately. She is one of my oldest friends, and I love her dearly, but I am never quite sure if I even know her! She is rather antisocial, and she never talks. Trying to have a conversation of any substance with her is like pulling teeth, and she is very secretive about everything, which I respect is her style, but it is hard to know someone if they won't let you know them on anything more than a shallow acquaintence basis. She seems confused and like she is struggling to find herself and her place in the world. She is always so desparate to be "non conformist" or "eclectic"and original and artsy. i love ehr, and I think she has an adorable style, but it would be cuter if you knew that it hadn't taken her 45 minutes to get the "I just threw this on" look she has. We never hang out anymore because she is always with her boyfriend, and they don't seem happy at all together. She says she is with him because she made him jump through too many hoops not to be, and he seems like he is with her because she is hot and way out of his league. But they don't seem happy. She is in love hardcore with her exboyfriend, it is obvious that they should be together if you see them together, and yet she isn't. It is hard for me to admit it, but I honestly think that she will be one of the friends that I stop knowing after high school. I miss her! I miss talking to her and getting more than "uh huh..." in response. And sometimes I don't even know if I can trust her to be genuine with anything with me. I miss certainty.

Now don't get me wrong, I love her, and all of my friends very much. Fighting and finding flaws is one of the the things that makes relationships function. No one likes perfect. I personally think that is just because we all wish we were, and we hate what we can't have.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E

Don't Ever Go, Don't Every Leave Me...

Ear Candy: "Naked Girl" by The Velvet Teen

There is nothing I hate more than being lied to. If I can't trust you we have nothing, and there is no quicker way to get me to lose all respect for you than to lie. be yourself, it's what I love you for. And it is the only way you can ever be genuinely happy, I guarantee it. But for fuck's sake, could people please stop lying?

it hurts me that this it what we have come to.

Love, E

Are you still moving?

Ear Candy: A Dozen Roses" by Braid

FUUUUUUUUCK THIS!!!

Ok, so this is going to be a hardcore rant post, I am warning you all now. I am also not going to tell you who the person is, because 1. I don't want to start shit, 2. I don't feel the need to try to sway your opinion of anyone and 3. because it really doesn't matter.

So anyway... I have this friend Julie* who used to be a somewhat less than attractive girl. She was cute, but never in the way she wanted to be. We were really good friends, we had tons of classes together, and we were pretty much two extensions of the same person. Around the beginning of last year, I started hangingout with some other people, but Julie and I were still definitely friends... We would fight from time to time, both being severely dramatic people, so it was nice to have somewhere else to turn. I introduced her to my other friends, and whenall the shit hit the fan, I lost her. But I lost her in more than one way.

I feel like I don't even know who the fuck she is anymore. She changed everything about her, physically and otherwise. She abandoned her principals, her morals, and apparently, her best friend in an attempt to be the person that she thinks everyone else would want her to be... She was more than willing to turn on me and stab me in the back, spilling things that I told her that were by no means meant to be heard. She acts like an air head, always ditzy and flirty with guys, and she will do anything to get ahead. She even changed her name for the most part. It is like two different people, and she can't even see it. I lost her, and she blamed me. I am a constant, she is a new person, and I am not sure that I like her anymore.

I am fuch\king fed up with everyone trying to be someone they aren't, trying to be what will make them "cool". I had a run-in with "cool" this weekend, and it can fucking suck my metaphorical balls. I am so tired of no one being genuine. In a full out Holden Caulfield move, the world is so full of phonies, there is no escape. I always pride myself on being 100% myself and of always thinking for myself, but is she across the room talking about what a phony I am? Damn.

I hate this. All of it. High school and the PJC and hicks and police and parties that make me and my friends cry and have panic attacks can go to hell. F THIS, MOTHER F-ERS (Mormons make me smile)

On a totally random note, I had a great conversation with Shane last night. I love being able to change my negative opinions of people. I love it even more when I make people smile.

Ok, so I am done with this for several reasons:
1. I am quickly losing my ability to type, and it is frustrating me.
2. I am running out of things to say (SHOCK!)
3. I am realizing that it is very apparent who I am talking about, and I am not trying to start shit.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E



*Name has been changed to protect the bitches involved

Days of Suck, Night of Sleeplessness

Ear Candy: "Blue and Yellow" by The Used

Say what you want about the lame factor of the Used, I love this song... And I am exhausted. My body is starting to shut down and cease to function from stress and overwork. I am tired. of trying, of living my life in a medicated haze trying to function, of pretending to be happy when I know I am lying, of having to carry the weight of others, of feeling like a burden when I try to lighten my load. I am scared. I am tired. I need a hug. I want someone to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that everything will work out. I am tired of being the strong one, the one that doesn't cry, the one that can handle anything. I can't. I want to be finished with this goddamn@$@$&$@$%^#Q&%#&%&*@&%&*%#7 film project, and for my dad to not find out about the party, and for this all to work... I want to do something this weekend, I want everyone to be happy and to have someone or something that makes them that way. I have come to resent everything that used to make me happy. I feel like I am six again, and I am being teased and I try to fight back, but I am too small and there are too many of them. It is just too much.

I want my mommy.

I love you.

~E

You love me, but you don't know who I am...

Ear Candy: "The Scientist" by Coldplay

Maybe I don't even know? I have always been, or at least much more recently, who I wanted to be, and I have always had the attitude of "blow me if you don't like it". But if so many people decide they don't like something in me, is it them, or is it me? I have thought for so long that it was them. But why then? Jealousy? Insecureity? We are all insecure about something. I want to be a rock star and hide my insecurity in my words and my music. Guitars make people sexy. I want to fly away from all of this. From everything, and float over it and see how stupid it is. Right now, I can only hover, not so high as to keep my toes from it. I have loved me, I still do. So why can't everyone else? Why is it that love never comes in the way that you need it to when you need it? It works in mysterious ways, and I hate surprises. Another birthday, another year older, closer to leaving and going away and forgetting. Forgetting everything, everyone. Forgetting me. I want to be the one who isn't forgotten, or replaced. I want to be the one that you love regardless.

You are sheerly you and I am small and undefined. Your imperfections make you perfect and mine make me weird and lower my value. You are unique, I am crazy. I am jealous, but I don't want to be you. I don't know what I want. I want to be the favorite. So much competition, not enough positions. No jobs. No open roles. I want to be what you want, but all I am is me. When will that be enough? When will you smile with your eyes? I want to be beautiful, I want to be your muse. I was just guessing. You don't know how lucky you are.

"Tell me you love me/Come back and hold me"

I am going in circles, triangle sheet music is just rhythm. I felt stupid, but I had to know. Nothing is better left un asked, and no one should leave things unsaid. You are beautiful.

If you are reading this, I love you.

~E

You Can Always Be Gone...

Ear Candy: "Champagne From a Paper Cup" by Death Cab for Cutie

Thank you so much Claire...

You saved my life.

I love you.

~E

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes...

Ear Candy: "Collide" by Howie Day

So tonight was OC night, which was fine and all, but honestly, the only real event of the night was the ride home. Ginge drove me home, which was fun, because it was like old times. We talked about everything that had happened, and I told her that I missed her so much. And she told me she missed me too, and that she had never hated me, and we both apologized. I know that I can never hope to have back what we used to have, but I am so thankful that I can have at least this with her. She is a best friend like none I have ever had, and when I lost that, you can bet I felt it. Even after everything that was said and done, she still means so much to me. There are so many songs that make me think of her, so many memories that make me smile, or cry... And I still can't go get bagels in my jimmy jams without missing her. I know we will never be close like we were, but I need to at least be ok with her, and to know that we are ok... I need that. And there are tears streaming down my face (I fell so stupid when I cry in front of people) and I don't know if they are happy or sad, or relieved, but they feel good. It feels so good to get all this out. So Gingey, (I am not even sure if she reads this or not, not that any of this is anything she hasn't heard...) I lurve you darling... Thank you for tonight... For everything. I owe you.


If you are reading this, especially tonight, I love you.

~E

All I Really Want Is You...

Ear Candy: "To Forever Embrace the Sun" by Sky Came Falling

You know that the second best feeling in the world is? Having a crush on someone. It just makes me feel alive... I dunno, I just love it! The heart pounding when you see them, the unsuppressable grin when they say hi, just wanting to be with them. The first best feeling in the world is knowing that someone has a crush on you. But for now, I'll settle for second. And second ain't bad! Just when I forgot I was living, I get brought back. I love that.

I apologize for being girlish and crazy. But I won't say that it won't happen again, beacause that would be crazy talk.

I love you.

Laters, E

Tell It Like You Still Believe...

Ear Candy: "Amie" by Damien Rice

So today in Ms. Butler's class, and old student of hers came in to say goodbye. He graduated last year, had just turned 18, and had enlistend in the infantry of the Marine Corps. I had never met him before, and I was not even sure that I had seen him around school before... He looked vaguely familiar, but done up in his full out military gear, he looked less like a student and more like a stern-faced adult. His name was... something Chamberlin I think. Like I said, I didn't know him. But for some reason, seeing him there in his uniform, I just wanted to cry. He said that he was being shipped to the Fallujah-Bagdhad area, and that he would have one of the most dangerous jobs in his unit. The song "Amie" by Damien Rice was playing on my iPod while he was talking, and I just felt so sad for this boy. He was so young. And I know he is all brave and everything for going to "defend his country", but he is so young! He has his whole life ahead of him. And the thought of him never coming home absolutely broke my heart. I kept thinking, "that could be Galen... Or Pierpaolo..." And how much I love them both so much and that I couldn't bare to lose either of them. How much I didn't want to lose anymore people I care about. The guy got a sad look on his face when we said that none of us were enlisting, and all I could think running through my head when I saw his face was, "why?" And "When do you come home?" I have never met him, but in the five minutes he was in my life, I felt so sad at the thought of him going to war. I have no idea why.

If you are reading this, I love you.

Love, E

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

Ear Candy: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane (I love everything about this song)

I did nothing today. Well, nothing of significance anyway. And I loved it! After Katie dropped me off in her new car (!!!) I bummed around, played the Sims, showered and dragged my dad to the grocery store, all the while dodging phone calls from annoying people who I did not want to hang out with on my lazy day. Then I made a really good grilled cheese sandwich. It was a successful day. Now I am going to go drive around with Jess and Katie and have things be as they were. I miss those days when we were all so close. But it just goes to show you, you can never go back. But I think tonight we might try, and either way, I will always love my girls...

Laterz, E

Oh, I lost mine...

Ear Candy: "This Velvet Glove" by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

OK, so tonight was fun funny fun fun fun. I went out for thai food with Katie and Rosie... Cathy showed up half way through, and we had some delightful thai rolls and all sorts of yummy things. I love thai iced tea, ephedra content be damned!! Today I pretty much did nothing but lounge around, but it was fun.. I needed a chill day after last night's surf rock-induced fun. I love the beach. And of course, the lovely phone call from my dad "So, me and your sister had to take a trip to the Emergency room.... We're fine... Just thought I would let you know..." WTF?! He just split his head open, which in the spectrum of all the idiot injuries we have gone through, is not that bad. I think I fully freaked out Julia though... But back to tonight... After dinner (at Thai Taste, which is very good. Good food, reasonably priced, cozy intimate atmosphere...) we walked around for a while, and then went and saw Hide and Seek with Buffi and Sarah. Wow, that movie terrified me. I did NOT See that coming... But I was laughing at really inopportune moments, because the sherrif in the movie was played by the same guy that played Robert Macnamara in Thirteen Days, that Cuban Missel crisis movie we watched in history last year. So whenever he came on the screen, I had to make a comment in the Kennedy accent... BOMB! Needless to say, we were curled in eachother's laps wibbling and freaking out... I think I bit Katie. But me, Katie, and Sarah were afraid to sleep alone, so we are all crashing at Katie's house... And I am tired, so I'm out...

I love you.

Laterz, E

But yes, I did call her monkey...

Ear Candy: "Bad Dream" by Lyrics Born (courtesy of Brie via Cappy)

BAHHH!!! Guess who has two thumbs and hates EVERYTHING? *thumb point at self* This guy... Yeah, so maybe I don't hate everything... These are things that I like:
* Brianna
*Brianna's Bed
*Lap tops
*Hot Chocolate
* Brianna's little Monkey-Dog
*Destiny's Child making me "Lose My Breath"
*When Brie dances like a black person +++++
* Not having to go to French
*Proposing to my Katiekins with roses
*Late night conversations with RoRo involving action figure-sized hobbits...

Yeah, I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that relate to what I am doing right now... Um, this week has sucked my ass so hard it is not even funny... But that just means that the universe owes me a really good weekend. Git 'r Done. Heckacopter tonight a la Phoenix... I am not even going to try and compete with the Puppycat groupies.... LAME. Erin = too cool for that. Erin= too modest for words...

Here's a theory for you to completely disregard: Anything can be accomplished by wearing a slutty shirt. Unless you are... er... rather "portly", then we will do anything to make you change.

That was mean of me. I am feeling bitchy and this is my blog. Fuck off.

Cleaning Brie's room. Late.

Laterz, E

Follow your heart, not your comforts...

Ear Candy: "Time of No Reply" by Nick Drake

So today sucked. A lot. I am so so tired of it sucking and of only writing blog posts that ooze emo and bum people out.

So I was talking to Khouansiva today (I love her so much. She is truly amazing in every way possible and she doesn't even see it.) and she asked me what I want. It's a very simple question, but I came up with a lot, and I felt the need to get it down...

*I want things to make sense
*I want certain people to like me and to go to turnabout with me and to stop being a dillhole.
*I want my old friends to stop hating me and treating me like dirt and talking down to me, and to get over themselves, and for us all to get along. I miss them, Gingey especially...
*I want everyone to stop yelling at me and being mad at me for things I didn't do.
*I want a part in a play that means something, and for people to realize that I deserve to be there just as much as they do...
*I want a vacation where people actually call me and I don't have to pull teeth to see people
*I want a real hug with a squeeze that makes me feel better
*I want friends that aren't only friends with me because they want something, and that I know I can count on.
*I want to be happy. I am so fucking tired of being unhappy.
*I want... I want my mommy... There is nothing I can do about that one.

I want a minute of normality... I am so tired of all of this, of everything. I need to go to bed.

Mario and Brittany need to stop fucking to we can finish filming our project. I take a while to edit. BAH.

I love you.

Laterz, E

I Didn't Lose My Mind... Someone Took It...

Ear Candy: "Dear Can" by !!!

GAH!!!

I am so so so soooooooo NOT ok with people telling me what to think or do, or pressuring me into their way of thinking. Contrary to popular belief, not only do I have a conscience and the ability to make decisions, I use them!!! And people speaking for me and basing things off the crazy things I say when I am mad (which I usually NEVER act on) is completely stupid and don't blame me when y'all put words in my mouth.

Fuck this, why am I defending myself? I didn't do anything wrong.

Get over yourselves.

Laters, E

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Ear Candy: "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles (l'original, bitches!)

OC party was fun. O.C. = heroine for the brain. I like it better than heroine because there is no needle involved. Apples are not kosher. Krispy Kreme is. I miss Frankie very very much. I want to pay his phone bill. Not shaving legs is nasty. Not wearing deoderant is worse. Ryan is good at spelling. Gwen Stefanie should never rap. Last night was both super fun and super depressing. Birthday parties and Damien Rice = bad combination. Michael is a good guy. I am up way to early. I am excited for shopping. Kacey is throwing a party, I get a free cup. I probably wont go. Everyone is going to turnabout. No date. Everyone is dating someone. They're lame. I am tired. My dad is buying me a car. I hate sounding spoiled. I hate driving stick.

I love you.

Laterz, E

Naptime Rebels!

Ear Candy: "Naked Girl" by The Velvet Teen

SO yeah, went to the Phenomenauts show with Katie. There was much fun to be had.

Opener bands = LAME LAME LAME
*Left Alone -should have been kept that way
* Mastema -who brings a four year old kid to a rock show? If I were in a band, I would stop rocking when I had kids... Or at least keep them at home!
* Freak Accident - So lame we were forced to go to Deaf Dog, which is not lame.
*Mongoloid - trying to be the Phenomenauts, only dumber.

Night in recap: Fun bus ride on warm comfy bus to Petaluma. Cold walk to Phoenix from bus stop. Petaluma = cold as fuck. Opener bands = suckage like whoa. Deaf Dog = yum. There were these little pocket-sized punks that I swear could not have been older than 12, and they were all rebellious and anarchistic, and I have to question, what were they rebelling against, nap time? Hence the term the Naptime Rebels. There was one in particular, a very rowdy, annoying boy with a lot of black curly hair and a bow that for no fathomable reason we referred to as 'Lunchmeat'. Much amusment (word to not being able to spell!) there. Phenomenauts were awesome, def worth the wait. Rockage was achieved, although Lunchmeat staged dived and kicked me in the eye. Will have mark there, which will be referred to as a battle wound.

I am tired. I can't stop shaking, I am so tired. And my heat got fixed today!! YAY!

Erin = heading off to her nice toasty bed *grin*

I love you.

Laterz, E

It was only a kiss...

Ear Candy: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

I love love love this song times 10. It boggles my mind how people write songs... I write poems all the time, but setting them to music just seems difficult. Especially in a world where it is so important to be unique and different and to distinguish yourself from everyone else. If you have to make your sound different than everyone elses's, what do you base off of?

Sorry to everyone if I have been in a funk lately... I am not entirely sure what is up with me. But I know I get very difficult to be around at times. And that I talk a lot. I have a lot to say, and this theory that everyone needs to hear it. Perhaps I take the theory too far? New resolution: Blog more, talk less.

Song change: "Let Go" by Frou Frou

I love when the people around me amaze me, or surprise me. In a world where I am constantly feeling separated, it is always nice when someone says or does something (usually little things that they don't even realize they are doing) that bring me back. Shane is awesome. I don't actually know him that well, but he is really cool to talk to. For no reason that I can understand, I got up early today and went for a run. I hate running, but I was moved to go, so my dog and I went and did our hearts a favor. I can't wait for swimming to start. Unfortunate fact about swimming starting: It starts on Valentine's Day, one of the three most depressing days of the year. BAH to that.

Last night was really funny. I was sitting with my dad and my sister on the couch eating our dinner of sushi and this really yummy tofu thing my dad made (the table is too covered in our paper work to actually eat at) and I go to let the dog inside (he has a habit of running away when the garage door opens, but he always comes back) and he comes running in with something in his mouth. We all kind of look at him, and then my dad says " is that a loaf of bread?" It was. SO my sister starts chasing the dog around the house trying to get the bread back, my dad is continuing to marvel at the fact that the dog has a loaf of bread, and I am falling over I am laughing so hard. I think I am the only one that finds the situation amusing, and I am not even sure why I laughed.

I need to do something.

If you are reading this, I love you.

Laterz, E

You there, in the adorable scarf...

Ear candy: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel

So yes, today was definitely a day of Arthurian Legend films. Props to Ethan and Dillon for their supremely well-edited project film, I was impressed. I must say, the presentations def made me feel quite shitty about the poster I made at three in the morning. And this is looking to be a weekend where I do absolutely nothing and just study. Not cool, but will accept it. Hell, I probably need to study for French. I slack off way too much in that class. I think the only way we know some of the phrases is because Madame yells them at us waaay too much and tries to get us to speak more French.. ("Ah non, Beatrice! En francais!" "Nicholas! Pas en anglais") Yeah, kinda like that...

So here's a theory for you to completely disregard: Everyone has gone crazy. Completely and totally insane. All my friends for one, seem to have caught spring fever like, three months early and are all boning eachother. And then they are all emotional and snippy and vague. I am so completely confused by everyone around me... What ever happened to using your words?

Phenomenauts tomorrow at the Phoenix. I think Katiekins and I are going to be hitting that shit up mad style... We haven't been to a show in entirely too long. Can I just say that I love Katie so so so so much. I know she doesn't read this, but she is still fabulous.

Song change: "Little Piece of my Heart" by Big Brother and the Holding Company

This is one of those posts where I really don't get around to saying much, because although I have quite a lot to say, or to write about, or that I want to say and whatnot, putting it into words is the tough part. If you really care that much, get me all liquered up and I'll probably tell you. That or attempt to make out with you. It's like a fifty-fifty chance...

If you are reading this, I love you.

Laterz, E

E-Dating to the MAX

Ear Candy: "Asleep" by The Smiths

Ok, so I saw thin in Shane and Brie's blogs, and it made me laugh. Plus, I kind of liked the idea of the application, not that I think it would ever catch on. But this is all stuff I ask people, so I figure I should answer it too... PLus, I am procrastinating. BAD!

NAME? Erin Elizabeth Sweeney
EMAIL/SCREENNAME? If you know me, you have it
AGE? 15 almost 16
LOCATION? Northern California
DRINK? yes
IF SO, WHY? socially, not excessively and not very frequently
SMOKE ANYTHING? on occasion
IF SO, WHY? because Brie is very "pursuasive", and because it seemed fun.

WHERE DO YOU STAND POLITICALLY? On the political spectrum test we took in history last year, I was three points away from being a commie... uber liberal about says it...
WHERE DO YOU STAND RELIGIOUSLY? I was born Jewish, and we celebrate the holidays, but I don't think my heart is in it... I am not even sure if there is a God. But I am all for other people having a religion, just so long as they don't force it on others.
WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE TOPIC OF SEX? I think that sex is a very important part of a relationship, and that although it is totally possible to have sex without love, love makes it better.
HAVE ANY STDS? Never.
WOULD YOU LET ME HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? The more the merrier!
VEGETARIAN? No red meat or pork or anything.
VEGAN? don't have the self discipline and it's to hard to get protein.
DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH MOVIES? Yes.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SITTIN AROUND SOMETIMES AND JUST DOING NOTHING? I love it. It keeps me sane
WHAT ARE YOUR MAJOR INTERESTS? Dance, singing, acting, writing, music... I love being creative
MUSIC? I listen to a little bit of everything.
MOVIES? Nothing too scary
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT KITTENS AND PUPPIES? They're adorable, more so if they are house broken....
WHERE IS YOUR PLACE OF RESIDENCE? My paren't house in SR
WHERE DO YOU BELIEVE THE FREE HAND SHOULD GO DURING SPOONING? Wherever is most comfortable
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT? The piano or guitar
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Italian or Thai food
HOW WOULD YOU TREAT ME? with as much respect as you give me.
DECRIBE YOUR ROOM. Always cold (heater broke) and something my parents decorated when I was little. CDs everywhere, usually pretty clean.
HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED BEFORE? No. Nothing good can ever come from it.
WOULD YOU TAKE ME TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? Didn't we already have this one?
DO YOU CALL EVERYDAY? I won't call if I have nothing to say, but I will always call when I say I will.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE ME? Probably because I see something in you that I'm drawn too.
DO YOU LIKE ANIMALS? Yes.
IF SO, WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE? I don't have one. And is that really fair to the ones I don't pick?
DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? of course!
DO YOU DANCE? All the time
DO YOU READ? As much as I can
DO YOU LIKE WALKING/RUNNING? I love going for walks, running is the worst.
WOULD YOU BURY SOMEONE THAT THREATENED A FRIEND? What, like kill them? No! I am not the mafia!
WHATS ARE YOU MOST SCARED OF? Being alone. Being abandoned or unwanted. The dark. NEEDLES
FINALLY, WHO/WHAT WOULD YOU PICK IF IT CAME DOWN TO IT......................
- THE SIMPSONS OR FAMILY GUY... Family Guy.
- NAS, JAYZ, or NERF HERDER... Nerf Herder
- YOUR BROTHER OR BEST FRIEND... I don't have a brother... Best friend!
- YOUR BEST FRIEND OR boyfriend... a guy is never worth losing friends over. Best friend.
- YOUR boyfriend OR YOUR BROTHER... yeah, still don't have a brother... So, boyfriend.
- YOUR FAMILY OR YOUR FRIENDS... This is worse than Sophie's Choice! Both.
- BOOK OR DVD COPY OF THE O.C.. huh? How is that even the same?
- FLUFFY SMALL DOG OR NORMAL TO LARGE DOG- normal to large dog...
- MORRISSEY OR ROBERT SMITH..... Ooh, that is really tough... I'm listening to "Asleep" right now and can't imagine one without the other being fabulous. But I guess Morrissey...

DO YOU????
PAINT? I like to, but I'm not good at it
RIDE A BIKE? when I get the chance
DRIVE A CAR? not legally, but I love driving. I can't wait to get a liscence
SKATEBOARD? I fell down too much and gave up
LIKE TO COOK? yes.
LIKE TO BE COOKED FOR? yes.
LIKE ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES HARDCORE? of course.
HAVE A BRAIN? yes.
THINK FOR YOURSELF? yes.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST........DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN A FEW LINES THAT WOULD MAKE YOU BETTER THAN THE NEXT. Wow, I don't even know...

Texas Smells Like a Hangover

Ear Candy: "Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco

Have you ever had the feeling that you are going to cry at any moment, and you have absolutely no idea why? (I am not sure why I am addressing that to 'you', as I am pretty sure that no one reads this. But that is ok, because I guess I do this for me and not everyone else, right? Right. I like being right...) But anyway, I am having that kind of feeling... It could be the fact that I have a very depressing play list rocking the iPod, or the thought of all of these family/love related holidays approaching (i.e. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day (ok, so in four months, but I like to think on the big scale...)) and I get to be alone on them, or maybe it is simply the everyday suckage that life ushers in. Whatever the case, fuck it. I am tired of this funk that I am in right now. I was so pissed off today, and I was really not even sure why. My new German jacket is awesome, my hair wasn't even curling, and there had been no serious brawls in my house this morning involving the flinging of breakfast foods (see yesterday morning). But I was just bothered! And did I even have any right to be? My whatever is so inconsequential in comparison to the plights of the rest of the world. I want to be in Asia. I want to help those people. To grab them and hug them and cry with them and tell them that everything will be ok. Because I so desperately want everything to just be ok. For everyone. Haven't we had enough of this yet? And my heart goes out to those in my everyday life, to those with difficult decisions to make, and perhaps even more so to those who have already made their choices.

I can't stop thinking about this quote Mr. Schloemp said at the beginning of the Children's Hour, "no one willingly chooses evil, they are simply confused about what is good". I know that I for one have never even thought that anything that I do, or decisions that I make are the wrong ones. But that is rather snobby and self righteous isn't it? I mean, think about it... I know I do.

Song change: "Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavigne

Wow, I really like this song. I want to write down the words and then wear them. I hear the song and feel it. Wow, now I sound completely ludicrous, and perhaps even more hippie than usual... But as lame as it is, this song is great. Her new album (well, new-er) is fab. I really didn't like the last one and the emphasis on image that the last one had, but this one is definitely worth listening to.

I am an empty shell. It’s like I have forgotten how to feel. I am sleeping, and I forgot how to wake up. But what if my proverbial alarm goes off and I sleep forever? But at the same time, there are people that I love, and I am scared to love them. I am scared to let people know I have feelings, or whatever. I hate opening up, I always get screwed over and hurt. Look at me bitching. Pas chouette.

I want to be a princess. Mostly because I like going to balls (I have never been to one, but they look fun!) And also because if I am a princess, I think it ups my chances of being carried off by a shining knight with a white horse into the sunset and living happily ever after. SO what happens when I've picked the knight and I am not sure he is down with happily ever after? Or hey, princesses also seem to get kidnapped and conquered when the palace gets stormed. I'm down. (Sorry... Is the frustration showing a bit?)

Song change: "At the Stars" by Better than Ezra

Wow, I have really lost my mind over break. It's not that I have gone crazy, simply lost the ability to think. Also pas chouette. I blame school for my newly discovered mental retardation. It is really not good on me. Everyone made friends without me. If this was P.E., I would get picked last for every team for every game. That's why I swim: no one has to pick me. I pick myself, and we are going to go swim. By ourselves. Did I just become two people?

SO it has been brought to my attention that I never write in this. Point. Originally I made this simply so I could comment on other people's journals... But now I am going to put this to good use, or attempt to anyway... I generally only write in these things when I have something to say. I am not sure if I do, but we'll see...

If you are reading this, know that I love you.

Love, E